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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ban them from looking after DS!

92 replies

hiss42 · 16/09/2011 14:53

My DS is 4 weeks old. DP's parents have been moaning about having him for the night (erm... he's 4 weeks old..?). I obviously said no (really nicely, he's BF and he is so young!) but they asked to take him out for the morning shopping. I couldn't find a reason to say no, and I'd be able to catch up on some housework.

When they got back after two hours, I thought it was weird they attached the car seat back on the pram, and pushed the pram into the house, rather than just carrying both in. It's one of those ones that has adaptors. After about an hour of them being here, I asked how they got on with folding the pram etc. After a shifty look at each other, FIL admitted that they hadn't been able to get the adaptors off, and so had put the car seat in with them on. This meant the seat was belted in, but rather than being flat down on the seat of the car, it was balanced on two plastic prongs.
(www.mamasandpapas.com/product-urbo-sola-zoom-glide-car-seat-adaptor-cybex-aton/279325301/type-i/)

At this point I said oh, you have to click this simple bit, which FIL did though verbal instruction, not me showing him. I also said to them I know how hard it is if you dohn't know how to do it, as when me and my mum had taken DS to asda when he was a few days old, we were in the car park for an hour stressing out as we didn't know how to get the adaptors off, and we'd had to do the exact same thing!

After they left I thought the situation over. Although I had put DS in the car in the same way they had, firstly I am his mum and therefore it's my judgement. Secondly it was a 2 minute drive, compared to the 20 minutes they did. It was not a light decision on my part, I started to push him home in the pram, so DP could take it apart when he got home and my mum take the car back, but the midwife called and said she was outside so we were in a rush!

I texted FIL and asked why they hadn't just called and asked me how to do it. He said that he didn't want to worry me and that he felt it was safe. I wasn't that annoyed until I read that response. The fact my 4 week old wasn't secure in his car seat was a really idiotic thing to drive back any way. I'm so angry they took that decision without calling me or DP and trying to hide it by putting it back on the pram.

AIBU to be annoyed at them? i know i did it too but it was a different situation entirely and that was my decision as his parent to do that and they had no right?

OP posts:

TracyK · 16/09/2011 16:06

For future - could you get an extra car seat - a fixed in one to stay in their car - so that it doesn't need taking out and clipping to the pram? Then that would solve 1 problem.

griphook · 16/09/2011 16:06

from your post you say that the car seat was balanced on two prongs. I have adaptors on my seat so I can picture what you mean, and tbh I think yes they were irresponsible to drive in a car when the seat would have be balanced rather than on the seat, and yes I think they were very wrong to try to trick you aswell, a quick phone call could have avoided this.

But you were also irresponsible as you did the same thing. So your midwife was waiting, well it was a two minute drive you could have walked and if car safety is so important to you then you would have made her wait or re booked.

I also wonder why your pil felt the need to try to trick you, I wonder if they are scared if you and are well aware that you don't like them.

whilst I think yu have a right to be cross I think you need to treat and speak to them the same way you do your own mum.

ErnesttheBavarian · 16/09/2011 16:07

does your dh know baby is yours all yours and no one else is allowed to so much as look at him without your permission?

Does your dh have a say in whether or not his parents spend time with his son?

Bet when you want a night out or free babysitting you'll not think twice about clicking your fingers.

When you're daydreaming about your 4 week old bleeding to death as a toddler due to their negligence, you can safely think you're over-thinking it.

Was it even unsafe?

Your post has actually annoyed me (or amused? rolling eyes anyway), feel v sorry for your ils tbh.

Original poster

hiss42 · 16/09/2011 16:10

Me and DP are only 21 so FIL and MIL are only 49 & 47. Perfectly capable of using a phone tbh.

The inlaws/.my parents debate is stupid. Of cousrse I wouldn't feel the same if it was my parent, because they are my parents. Me adn DP have been together three years, I only met them a year ago. They may be related to him but doesn't mean that I trust them as much as my parents.

OP posts:

griphook · 16/09/2011 16:14

maybe you need to try to get to know them better, they are his grandparents and I'm sure they have his best interests at heart.

Would you be any less capable of looking after your own grand children because they are you ds's and his wie doesn't know you

griphook · 16/09/2011 16:14

*wife

Crosshair · 16/09/2011 16:16

What does your dp think about it?

stabbystabbykillkill · 16/09/2011 16:17

YABVVVVVVVU

Flisspaps · 16/09/2011 16:17

No-one can insist on taking your baby away from you - you can say no and not have to give any reasons.

richpersoninapoorpersonsbody · 16/09/2011 16:17

So you have asked a question but you dont like the response given by a lot of posters so why bother?
I am not a fan of my MIL however i think you are being very harsh, you made the same mistake, you have said that you wouldnt have reacted this way if your parents had made that mistake yet your IL's cant? I'm sorry but it doesnt sound like your childs safety your are most concerned about just away of making them into the bad guys.

Pootles2010 · 16/09/2011 16:19

Don't you think he might be worried about trusting your parents? You're going to have to trust him to someone at some point I'm afraid.

What about when he goes to nursery? Or to school?

upahill · 16/09/2011 16:21

ffs!!

You are mad.
'Do as I say not as I do' springs to mind.

PurpleHat · 16/09/2011 16:22

It sounds to me like they probably didn't call you because they KNOW you don't want them having time with their Grandson, and therefore probably tread on eggshells around you.

TracyK · 16/09/2011 16:22

I think you sound like I might have reacted. Are you annoyed at yourself for letting them pressurise you into letting them take him out - and over reacting a bit?
Maybe chat with dh tonight and say that he needs to back you up on the fact that you feel its too early for you to be away from ds at the moment. Leave it a while and then try again - you are still obv. emotional after a traumatic birth - so either spell it out to them - or just make excuses for the time being.

hermionestranger · 16/09/2011 16:23

You are being ridiculous to be very honest with you. They appear to have raised your partner and not let him bleed to death at any point in his life.

If you were so bothered about your DC's safety you wouldn't have balanced his car seat, you would have shown you IL's how to use the car seat and you didn't have to let them have your baby, did they hold a gun to your head?

freybean · 16/09/2011 16:23

YABU

i feel very sorry for your PIL

Skimty · 16/09/2011 16:29

Oh gosh, it's a horrible feeling isn't it? I remember feeling really weird that my in-laws had as much right over DS as my parents. It started in the hospital when they were first to see him and now even now I'm on DC3 I'd still rather my mum saw him walk first than them (petty emotion).

I think the problem is that actually your DH's parents are as close to your DC as your parents are and that's as it should be. When MIL and FIL do strange/annoying/potentially unsafe things I have to take a deep breath and remind myself that they raised the man I love so they can't have done it all wrong.

Also, as the mum of two DS' I am very much aware that I will love their children as much as DDs.

SO, YANBU to feel like this. Please don't act on it because it will only make you all miserable

Balsam · 16/09/2011 16:41

This is not really about the car seat. You are understandably emotional after a difficult birth and resentful of them pressuring you to have time away from your DS.

He is YOUR baby and you do not have to spend any time away from him that you don't want to.

Have a nice, calm chat with your DP and explain to him that they need to back off a bit. Then let him handle it.

ErnesttheBavarian · 16/09/2011 16:59

thanks, but I don't think it's stupid.

What if your dp gets the hump with your parents and says they can't see ds, what would you say then?

You ask a Q, you get an answer.

Don't like the answer?

WhereYouLeftIt · 16/09/2011 17:03

What Balsam said.

mymummyisasquarehead · 16/09/2011 17:05

YABU!!

Whilst they probably should have phoned you to ask about the connectors, it is the same mistake you yourself made. If you had recently had the same problem, surely you should have taken the time to show them first?!

Your baby is only 4 weeks old, so a certain amount of your worry can be understood, but you did start picking about the small manner of how they brought the pram into the house from the beginning of your post.

You need to chalk it down to experience, and to ban them from lloking after him is bordering on PFBness!!

chelen · 16/09/2011 17:06

Hi, I think the whole car seat issue is a side point, you were unhappy about him going away from you in the first place. I know its really hard because people pressure you to having time for yourself etc but just stand your ground. Tell them you don't want to be apart from your son just now.

Every mum is different, they may think they are really helping but if it isn't what you want then don't feel guilty about saying thanks but no thanks.

Shutupanddrive · 16/09/2011 17:37

I don't understand why you didn't show them how to use the car seat correctly when they took him, especially as you had trouble with it yourself?

seeker · 16/09/2011 17:43

Did everyone else just know that this would be a pil thread before they opened it?

Feminine · 16/09/2011 17:47

I think you were bloody decent letting them have him at all.

I couldn't have ,not at that tiny age.

I am going to say well done for even letting them take him.

Don't worry about the rest ,they sound like normal nice Grandparents and now they know how to use the contraptions that pass as child seat/prams boosters etc...

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