Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To ban them from looking after DS!

92 replies

hiss42 · 16/09/2011 14:53

My DS is 4 weeks old. DP's parents have been moaning about having him for the night (erm... he's 4 weeks old..?). I obviously said no (really nicely, he's BF and he is so young!) but they asked to take him out for the morning shopping. I couldn't find a reason to say no, and I'd be able to catch up on some housework.

When they got back after two hours, I thought it was weird they attached the car seat back on the pram, and pushed the pram into the house, rather than just carrying both in. It's one of those ones that has adaptors. After about an hour of them being here, I asked how they got on with folding the pram etc. After a shifty look at each other, FIL admitted that they hadn't been able to get the adaptors off, and so had put the car seat in with them on. This meant the seat was belted in, but rather than being flat down on the seat of the car, it was balanced on two plastic prongs.
(www.mamasandpapas.com/product-urbo-sola-zoom-glide-car-seat-adaptor-cybex-aton/279325301/type-i/)

At this point I said oh, you have to click this simple bit, which FIL did though verbal instruction, not me showing him. I also said to them I know how hard it is if you dohn't know how to do it, as when me and my mum had taken DS to asda when he was a few days old, we were in the car park for an hour stressing out as we didn't know how to get the adaptors off, and we'd had to do the exact same thing!

After they left I thought the situation over. Although I had put DS in the car in the same way they had, firstly I am his mum and therefore it's my judgement. Secondly it was a 2 minute drive, compared to the 20 minutes they did. It was not a light decision on my part, I started to push him home in the pram, so DP could take it apart when he got home and my mum take the car back, but the midwife called and said she was outside so we were in a rush!

I texted FIL and asked why they hadn't just called and asked me how to do it. He said that he didn't want to worry me and that he felt it was safe. I wasn't that annoyed until I read that response. The fact my 4 week old wasn't secure in his car seat was a really idiotic thing to drive back any way. I'm so angry they took that decision without calling me or DP and trying to hide it by putting it back on the pram.

AIBU to be annoyed at them? i know i did it too but it was a different situation entirely and that was my decision as his parent to do that and they had no right?

OP posts:

Floggingmolly · 17/09/2011 10:27

You did the same thing yourself - enough said. And no, a shorter journey is not statistically safer than a longer one. You are being very unreasonable.

Inertia · 17/09/2011 10:33

YABU to think it's ok for you to transport your child in an unsafe manner because you are the mother- in an accident he wouldn't come to any less harm just because it's you that's taken the decision.

YABU to not show/ get your inlaws to practise setting up the pram and car seat.

YANBU to expect your inlaws to be honest with you.

YANBU to not want your baby to be taken away from you when he is so tiny. And you should not feel forced into this - your child is not a toy to be taken turns with. I would tell them that you are not comfortable with anybody taking him out without you while he is so tiny and you are still establishing a BF routine, but they are welcome to look after him in your house while you take bath, for example.

Overnight with a BF baby - how ? Which one of them plans to lactate?

Firawla · 17/09/2011 10:35

i dont think you should let them have him again so soon if you are not comfy. i wouldnt have let them have him so early in the 1st place, he is 4 weeks old ffs - they can wait! and he is bf too, so its normal for you to keep him with you. i think it will be better for you if you stick up for yourself & say no if you are not comfy. that's not the same as banning them but if you feel he is young to be left with people just say so firmly, they will have no choice but to accept it really. its different when they are a bit older. also yanbu about the carseat, it is wrong they didnt bother to phone and ask, and also tried to hide what they did. yabu on that for doing the same thing yourself though but they are still more U for doing the same and insisting on taking a tiny 4 weeks bf baby to the supermarket. if you're not happy with it its of no help to you and clearly just them wanting to show off with him.

NeedaCostume · 17/09/2011 10:37

I don't understand why you are being flamed OP, as your reaction seems very understandable, if a bit over the top. But you are a first time Mum to a tiny newborn and you can be excused for being a bit overprotective and anxious, particularly considering your traumatic birth.

WRT the grandparents - well, your baby is 4 WEEKS old and should stay with his mother. There is plenty of time in future for them to take him out and fun showing him off, e.g. when he is 4 years old. Don't let other people pressure you into situations you don't feel right with - that is your big learning from this incident.

There is no need to deny them access though. This is a time to be gentle and moderate and calm with everyone, including yourself. Invite them over for a cuppa and let them cuddle him for half an hour in your living room before ushering them out for a bit.

DuelingFanjo · 17/09/2011 10:41

Yabu about this but yanbu to not want to leave such a young baby with other people. Trust your instinct and if it upsets you to do so politely decline explaining the baby is very young and it will be a long time before you will feel comfortable about being apart but they are more than welcome to come on walks with you. I really don't understand people who want to separate young babies from their mum. It's not kind.

DuelingFanjo · 17/09/2011 10:41

buttonmoon78 · 17/09/2011 10:43

hiss42 Fri 16-Sep-11 16:10:58
Me and DP are only 21 so FIL and MIL are only 49 & 47. Perfectly capable of using a phone tbh.

The inlaws/.my parents debate is stupid. Of cousrse I wouldn't feel the same if it was my parent, because they are my parents. Me adn DP have been together three years, I only met them a year ago. They may be related to him but doesn't mean that I trust them as much as my parents.

I don't know whether this has been picked up on already but... grow up. Presumably your dp trusts them?

Yes, they made an error of judgement but so did you.

TidyDancer · 17/09/2011 10:46

YABVU. I was on the fence until that ridiculous second post. It won't be long before you look back and laugh at yourself for this one, trust me. But you really do need to unclench and realise that they did nothing worse than you did. They are caring and loving GPs and that's all you need to gather from this.

cory · 17/09/2011 10:52

hiss42 Fri 16-Sep-11 15:57:03
"no I don't want them on my side! They are the exact type whereyouleftit is describing! They want him for their own entertainment, not to help us at all. They never leave us alone, yet never offer to give us a lift to the supermarket etc. And I was pretty much forced into letting them have him, as "they didn't have another day off at the same time for another two weeks"!.

I realy think it was different and yes Ormirian I am his mum so I can screw up. That's the point, I just don't think it was their judgement to make. Obviously an accident could of happened in the car park, so the length of our journeys wasn't really what I was getting at."

What you are missing here is that this is not about either you or the grandparents, it is about your son. You don't own him, he is a person in his own right. You don't have any more rights to put his life in danger- if this actually was a dangerous situation - than anybody else just because you're his mum. If there is danger and he does come to harm, he's not going to shrug his shoulders in years to come and say "oh, that's all right, it doesn't matter because you're my mum but of course I would never have forgiven granddad".

And you don't have any right to muck up his relationship with his grandparents for no good reason just because they don't happen to be your parents- as far he is concerned they are as much his grandparents as your parents.

"The inlaws/.my parents debate is stupid. Of cousrse I wouldn't feel the same if it was my parent, because they are my parents. Me adn DP have been together three years, I only met them a year ago. They may be related to him but doesn't mean that I trust them as much as my parents."

You are missing something else here: your dh is just as much your son's parents as you are. If you decide you won't trust his parents because they are not yours, then he can decide not to trust your parents because they are not his.

LeCielEstBleu · 17/09/2011 10:53

YABU in that you made the same mistake with the seat yourself BUT I can totally understand you not wanting ILs to take your little 4 week old out without you, plenty of time for that when he's a bit older. It's early days and your hormones are all over the place,don't give in to things you are not happy with or you will just become more resentful. My PILS were a right royal PITA over this as soon as DS1 was born .It's difficult to let your baby go with people who are not directly related to you but they are still his grandparents, so you'll have to work on that relationship for the sake of your DS, your DP and your own sanity.

Journey · 17/09/2011 11:03

YABU. You had the same issue with the car seat as your FIL. If you knew the carseat could be a problem (or needed explaining on how it work) why on earth didn't you tell your FIL? You were totally irresponsible.

clam · 17/09/2011 11:15

What's the problem? You clearly don't care for your ILs and now you've found the perfect excuse reason for them to be denied access to your son. Let's just hope your DH goes along with the plan.

LIZS · 17/09/2011 11:23

yabu - he felt it was safe just as you had. You knew it might be tricky yet didn't warn them or ask them to phone if it was a problem. I'm not sure why you feel deceived if they owned up. A little anxiety is normal when your baby is out of your sight and "control" but you seem to be building this up to more than a simple human error (like your own) and I wonder if all is well with you otherwise. A traumatic delivery and sleep deprivation could yet trigger other issues such as pnd, not necesarily but worth considering. Next time (and there should be a next time) forget the hosuework and do something for yourself - relaxing bath, sleep etc.

diddl · 17/09/2011 12:52

I think the point is that OP felt that she couldn´t say no & now wants an excuse to do so.

No excuse is needed other than no, that doesn´t work.

I am the same age as the OPs ILs & the thought that someone might be scared to say no to me-about their iwn child is horrible tbh.

LoveBeingAMummyAgain · 17/09/2011 13:41

You should have made sure they knew how to use it. Especially seeing as you had a problem with it. In fact think you are projecting anger at youself onto them.

MilkNoSugarPlease · 17/09/2011 16:48

Jesus Christ! Yabvvvu

pranma · 17/09/2011 18:46

YABVVVU
Your child is safe,his grandparents love him.You are lucky.

Flip

1 2 3 4