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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ban them from looking after DS!

92 replies

hiss42 · 16/09/2011 14:53

My DS is 4 weeks old. DP's parents have been moaning about having him for the night (erm... he's 4 weeks old..?). I obviously said no (really nicely, he's BF and he is so young!) but they asked to take him out for the morning shopping. I couldn't find a reason to say no, and I'd be able to catch up on some housework.

When they got back after two hours, I thought it was weird they attached the car seat back on the pram, and pushed the pram into the house, rather than just carrying both in. It's one of those ones that has adaptors. After about an hour of them being here, I asked how they got on with folding the pram etc. After a shifty look at each other, FIL admitted that they hadn't been able to get the adaptors off, and so had put the car seat in with them on. This meant the seat was belted in, but rather than being flat down on the seat of the car, it was balanced on two plastic prongs.
(www.mamasandpapas.com/product-urbo-sola-zoom-glide-car-seat-adaptor-cybex-aton/279325301/type-i/)

At this point I said oh, you have to click this simple bit, which FIL did though verbal instruction, not me showing him. I also said to them I know how hard it is if you dohn't know how to do it, as when me and my mum had taken DS to asda when he was a few days old, we were in the car park for an hour stressing out as we didn't know how to get the adaptors off, and we'd had to do the exact same thing!

After they left I thought the situation over. Although I had put DS in the car in the same way they had, firstly I am his mum and therefore it's my judgement. Secondly it was a 2 minute drive, compared to the 20 minutes they did. It was not a light decision on my part, I started to push him home in the pram, so DP could take it apart when he got home and my mum take the car back, but the midwife called and said she was outside so we were in a rush!

I texted FIL and asked why they hadn't just called and asked me how to do it. He said that he didn't want to worry me and that he felt it was safe. I wasn't that annoyed until I read that response. The fact my 4 week old wasn't secure in his car seat was a really idiotic thing to drive back any way. I'm so angry they took that decision without calling me or DP and trying to hide it by putting it back on the pram.

AIBU to be annoyed at them? i know i did it too but it was a different situation entirely and that was my decision as his parent to do that and they had no right?

OP posts:
happygilmore · 16/09/2011 18:05

It sounds like you had a traumatic birth and don't want to be separated from your baby, which is completely understandable. Keep him close to you just now, no-one has to take him out without you.

I do think you are being UR about this, but I think people are being harsh to a new mum who obviously has had a tough time. I think you will feel differently about your ILs in a few months.

slavetofilofax · 16/09/2011 18:20

I haven't read the thread, so in response to the OP only, yanbu at all.

They made a judgement over something they were unsure about, and they made the wrong call. They are not the parants, they do not have the right to make those choices over safety. They absolutely should have phoned you and asked what they should do.

The fact that they took it upon themselves to make a fairly big descision, would make me wonder what else they would do without my knowledge.

From the way they looked at eachother nad went to lengths to cover up the mistake, they knew they we doing something they you, the mother, would not like. That is a Big Deal when we are talking about a tiny baby.

They wouldn't get a second chance with me.

Bootcamp · 16/09/2011 18:22

Yanbu to be cross. Put it down to a one off. I would however put your foot down at their demands to take your baby, he is so little and you obviously don't want them to.

GetAwayFromHerYouBitch · 16/09/2011 18:22

I think happygilmore has a good point. I understand how you feel. You aren't unreasonable to feel how you feel, but don't go off the deep end with them.

OTOH, I take issue a bit with your statement about taking him for their own entertainment and not to help you out.

Like it or not, they are related to him. Think how you feel about him, and imagine how they felt about their own son, and so how they might feel about their grandson.

TakeThisOneHereForAStart · 16/09/2011 18:23

YABU (and I am normally the first to side with the DIL over the PILS).

But in this case, you did the same thing. Okay so you are his mum and it's your call.

But since it happened to you before it happened to them, you or your DP should have showed them properly how to fix the seat to the car, not just told them verbally.

And it does sound as though this is a convenient excuse. You said already that you had to let them take him because you couldn't think of an excuse. And you said that you weren't annoyed until they said they hadn't wanted to worry you. But if you weren't annoyed, why send a text to question them after they had already explained?

Perhaps they were concerned that you would react like this and that is why they didn't tell you. They should have asked, but as you say, you did the same thing and no harm was done either time. You learned from your experience, there's no reason why they won't learn from theirs.

I had a traumatic time with my LO's birth, and the forceps and episiotomy. And I know about not wanting to let the baby out of your sight. I felt terrible when LO was just in a different room for a few minutes, went on for weeks, and I think I drove myself and everyone mad. It's not easy to try and let go of that anxiety, but you will feel better if you can.

And I know it's not easy to trust your PILs in the same way as you would trust your own parents. But your DP is probably feeling the same way about yours.

No harm was done, let it go, and perhaps try to get to know them a little bit better.

And if they offer to help in a way that doesn't suit you, perhaps you could try something along the lines of "No, that's okay, but what I would really appreciate is if you could do...instead please, that would be a big help."

SauvignonBlanche · 16/09/2011 18:28

YABU to talk about 'banning' them.

GetAwayFromHerYouBitch · 16/09/2011 18:31

The taking him for the night thing - that does sound silly, and undue pressure. But I'm guessing MIL didn't breastfeed and has no idea (or has forgotten). I FF myself, but am better educated about BF than some. Possibly she has no idea about BF.

MigratingCoconuts · 16/09/2011 18:33

You have a responsibility to develop a relationship between your pil and your dc that is separate from you....and their own.

They made a mistake but to start banning them on one mistake is over reacting. YABU

michelleseashell · 16/09/2011 18:42

Yep you are being totally unreasonable and unnecessarily dramatic but it's completely understandable.

The first time my baby went on a visit to my in laws, I wept into his snow suit the whole time he was gone. And when I took him out in his pram, I used to be on red alert in case anyone grabbed him and threw him in the river.

You're in protective mum mode. It will pass and you'll feel more relaxed in time. Just try not to make any judgements at the minute because you're naturally going to overreact to the tiniest bit of danger.

upahill · 16/09/2011 19:36

So do car accidents only happen to other people and not you?

How come you are immune to things happen? It is perfectly possible to crash driving away from the kerb (as I did once) or reversing out of your drive (as my friend once did) as it is to drive across town.

Get a grip. They must have done a good job bringing your DP up otherwise you wouldn't be with him.

xkatyx · 16/09/2011 19:41

I dont think you are UR gosh he is only 4 weeks old hormones running mad and your first baby.
I remember leaving my first baby with my mum cause I had to go to the bank and when I got back he had been sick in his Moses basket.. I went crazy completely over the top :0/

Now We look back and thankfully we both laugh about it amongst other things.

So what I'm trying to say is, it may major now because everything is so new.

Congratulations on your new baby

X

pigletmania · 16/09/2011 20:55

Calm down, you sound very hysterical. They made a mistake, you have just began parenthood, and believe it or not you will make mistakes along the line too, some big some not. Give them a chance my goodness, if it was your parents that made that mistake would you be more forgiving Hmm. Your ds is fine, thank goodness, next time show them how it all works so that they know, and get them to practice putting in the carseat in front of you so that you can be confident that they understand. To deprive your grandchild of a full relationship with their gps because of this is vvvvvvvvvu

pigletmania · 16/09/2011 21:00

The inlaws/.my parents debate is stupid. Of cousrse I wouldn't feel the same if it was my parent, because they are my parents. Me adn DP have been together three years, I only met them a year ago. They may be related to him but doesn't mean that I trust them as much as my parents.

For that you are being totally UR, and selfish. The baby is as much your dp as yours, and as the father of your baby, he should also have a say in who looks after him. Mabey you should get to know them, for your ds sake. The baby is a person not a posession. So you and your parents are allowed to make mistakes but nobody else Hmm. Your only 21, you have a lot to learn as you sound a bit childish tbh, sorry you do.

ExpensivePants · 16/09/2011 21:05

YANBU. Your baby is only 4 weeks old and you were press-ganged into letting them take him away from you. The car seat thing was very silly on both your parts but you need to learn how to say no to situations that you're not comfortable with. It doesn't need to be a lifetime ban but it is up to you who takes your newborn off you.

fit2drop · 16/09/2011 21:09

so let me get this right , its ok for OP to carry child unsafely because she is allowed to take risks with her child...

OP you are very very very wrong to have taken a risk with the safety of your child,just because you are the parent does not give you a different option re the safety

pil did wrong but so did you, you compromised the safety of your child too ,

You are more in the wrong than the pil imo.

diddl · 16/09/2011 21:11

"and they insist on taking him away from me when he's only 4 weeks old "

You have to learn to say no.

GPs don´t have to have their GC without the parents-it´s not law!

MigratingCoconuts · 17/09/2011 07:49

yes diddl, but it is healthy and reasonable.

JugsMcGee · 17/09/2011 08:07

I have that car seat and it is impossible to get it off the pram chassis if you don't know how. We practiced before DS was born. You should have shown them before they went. It sounds like they were worried you'd react like this so decided not to say anything. They are obviously excited new grandparents. My in laws adore DS and always want to see him so I know how overwhelming it can be, especially 4 weeks after the birth.

You should say no in future if you're not happy for him to go, because it sounds like you're looking for a "see I told you so" reason not to let them have him. It's fine not to let him out with others yet, he's only 4 weeks old! They should've called, but I expect they didnt want to worry you. They probably don't understand car seat safety since they didn't have them, so just gently explain. And show them how to use stuff next time!

PickleSarnie · 17/09/2011 08:14

Yabu to ban them from seeing their grandchild for doing something that you did. If anything, its worse that youchose to drive two minutes I assume you don't have an isofix base so by the time you faff around trying to wrap the seatbelt around it, you could have walked home. Whereas the PIL's had no choice but to drive.

Yanbu for not wanting them take him for a night at four weeks.

Morloth · 17/09/2011 08:19

You are going to feel really silly about this when you are all grown up.

Chill pills, get some.

allhailtheaubergine · 17/09/2011 08:20

YABAL

diddl · 17/09/2011 10:03

Well we´re obviously an unhealthy, unreasonable family then.

youarekidding · 17/09/2011 10:16

YABU re the INlaws.

YABcompletely and utterly U to think it's OK for you to do the thing you are accusing them of being irresponsible over. Yes you are the child's mother but in no circumstnaces does that give you carte blance to endanger his life.

youarekidding · 17/09/2011 10:16

sorry YANBU re inlaws.

hocuspontas · 17/09/2011 10:23

Say it HAD been your parents. What would you have said if your DP banned them from looking after your (as in your's and DP's) baby again?

I don't actually know about these new-fangled prams and seats etc, but the seat was strapped in. Could it have come loose in an accident then?