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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel like a performing monkey?? not for sensitive ears!

80 replies

natandjacob · 13/08/2011 10:55

DP has a very high sex drive, he could have it every hour of the day if possible. I, on the other hand, dont. Dont get me wrong, I like sex as much as the next person but not to that extent.

The problem is that I feel like no matter what I do, and how many different positions we try he always wants more. He's never satisfied!

How often does everyone else do it? how experimental are you? It's really stressing me out cos I feel like a performing sex monkey :( He wants to plan it all the time and never just wants to leave it and see what happens. He gropes me at every given oppurtunity and complains when i get undressed in the dark. I know a lot of women would give their right arm for all of this but I just feel under so much pressure to keep him satisfied, am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

WheelsOnTheBike · 13/08/2011 11:01

sounds horrible, to be honest.

can't think of any positive suggetions, but I am sure we would not all want to live like that.

G1nger · 13/08/2011 11:04

How often do we do it? Much more outside of pregnancy. How experimental... well, we'll try anything once, really, but we like our certain ways of doing things ;)

Can you not just encourage your partner to masturbate more often? and/or give him non-reciprocal 'attention' which should take the pressure off of you needing to perform all the time yourself?

I don't think a lot of people would give their right arms for the kind of attention you're describing - I think you - together - need to set better boundaries such that you don't feel the need to get undressed in the dark, and so you get to keep your own physical space without getting 'groped' all the time. Plus, does your partner realise that groping is really off-putting behaviour and that there are much nicer, more attractive ways to touch you? Who needs it when they go straight for the obvious bits?

Bulmers · 13/08/2011 11:04

Have you told him how you feel? Would he reach a compromise, such as no groping out of bed?

If I was 'expected' to perform to a pre-arranged plan I'd want paying,-the selfish arse.

lubeybooby · 13/08/2011 11:04

Have you spoken to him about it? Does he have to go all experimental to be turned on/orgasm?

Just thinking he might not realise he isn't giving you as a good a time as he thinks, and might not realise you feel this way about it.

Original poster

natandjacob · 13/08/2011 11:07

I've spoken to him about the groping many times, said how it might be an instant turn on for a man but not so much for a woman but he cant seem to get it in his head. I'm not saying I want romance and candles every time but it would be nice to not feel so objectified iykwm. I do love the fact he fancies me so much but I really dont know how to get him to tone it down a bit.

OP posts:

catgirl1976 · 13/08/2011 11:08

Well it was at least once a day but now I am pg, DH thinks it's "weird" so it is pretty much not at all. I stll wouldn't "give my right arm" for your situation though - you need to be on the same page which you are clearly not.

You need to talk to him and tell him that it is spoiling your enjoyment. Let him know that you do enjoy sex with him but the way he is going about it is not enjoyable for you and see what sort of compromise you can reach. After all the happier you are the better the sex will be for him as well so it is in his own interests.

Mind you if talking fails - maybe bromide?

FabbyChic · 13/08/2011 11:09

Planning sex is never the right way to go and makes you feel like you have to as opposed to wanting to, much better when it is spontaneous.

You are going to have to learn to say no more often.

Also with regards the groping that is awful, I'd hate that sounds like what school boys do. Slap his hands away and tell him you are not a sex object and want to be appreciated outside the bedroom as well as in it.

Angel786 · 13/08/2011 11:09

Outside pregnancy 2-4 times per were, since dd... Much less! Had a bad labour so physically couldn't for 3-4 months and dunce ten shattered with an 8 month old.
Can he do some diy to alleviate himself?

doigthebountyeater · 13/08/2011 11:10

Get the contraceptive pill from your doctor and put one in his dinner every night - that will lower his sex drive nicely.

I read a magazine years ago where some woman did that!

squeakytoy · 13/08/2011 11:11

I honestly could not cope with that, and it really would result in me ending the relationship if my husband behaved like that. It would drive me mad.

hairylights · 13/08/2011 11:20

This sounds like a control issue. Women are NOT queuing up to be treated this way - don't let him con you that that is the case.

My ex was like this - never satisfied and wanting all sorts of acrobatics.

In my current relationship I have never been asked to perform in this way, and we do it once or twice a week. It's as much about me as it is about him.

I honestly think this is grounds to leave - it can make your life so incredibly miserable and knock your confidence. You've asked him to stop - doesn't sound like he has any respect for you whatsoever.

Original poster

natandjacob · 13/08/2011 11:21

dog, can you really do that?! dont tempt me....

OP posts:

hairylights · 13/08/2011 11:23

"give him non-reciprocal 'attention' which should take the pressure off of you needing to perform all the time yourself? "

This is still being expected to perform all the time and just as bad.

Original poster

natandjacob · 13/08/2011 11:25

I do enjoy the acrobatics sometimes and he is a generous lover once we get down to it. very attentive. its just the issue of how often he wants it and the grabbing that gets to me. some nights i just want to sit and relax and not have to worry about him wanting sex, i want to wake up in the morning and not be pestered for a wank and start doing all sorts in the morning ( im really not a morning person!)

OP posts:

Tuppence2 · 13/08/2011 11:39

MY DP is exactly the same as yours! It's made slightly worse by the fact that we don't live together, so everytime we are together, he wants sex pretty much straight away, and is always groping me, etc... But he also a "generous lover" in the fact that, it's not all about his pleasure!
It all came to a head recently, when I had the contraceptive implant and my sex drive to a nose dive to the point where I could've happily not had any kind of sexual contact at all! And we argued about it, cos he said he felt like he was always begging for sex and i was using it as weapon! To which I said, well he is always asking for sex, so no wonder he feels like he's begging, and he needs to remeber that most of the time we do have sex, or just mess on with foreplay type stuff. But he also has to remember, that I am not always up for it 24/7. He also said that he would like me to initiate sex sometimes, but I asked him how I could possibly do that, when he's constantly on about it?!
So we have kind of come to a happy(ish) medium, where we are both making an effort to understand where the other is coming from, and he's not going off in a huff cos he's not getting any!
Though I do agree with what you say about it being nice that he fancies you so much, but it would be nice to get a break occasionally!

TidyDancer · 13/08/2011 11:50

Oh Lord, I wouldn't want your situation, OP! DP and I are pretty much a once-a-day couple, but I'd hate if he was pestering me all the time.

pjmama · 13/08/2011 12:13

My DH shows no interest in me whatsoever, whole other story. However I still wouldn't want your situation, you have my sympathy! Somewhere in the middle is needed and he needs to understand that he's not being fair to you. You could tell him that he's actually really putting you off doing it at all because he's not giving you any space and is making you feel like an object. Does he realise his actions are having the opposite effect than he actually wants?

Original poster

natandjacob · 13/08/2011 12:16

Would it be weird if i emailed him today with a sort of rota of sex?? like obviously not stating particular days we're allowed to do it but more of an outline on how often i would be happy with.
It really is putting me off wanting sex at all at the mo but i dont know how to get through to him

OP posts:

hairylights · 13/08/2011 12:29

I think you needing to email him a "rota" shows that yiur relationship has probably broken down irretrievably. If you have to resort to email to express your very valid feelings I'm guessing this relationship is dead.

Original poster

natandjacob · 13/08/2011 12:34

Its far from dead, we just seem to communicate better by writing to each other sometimes. i'm not very good at talking, always forget what i wanted to say and it comes out all wrong :(

OP posts:

Nancy66 · 13/08/2011 12:50

the rota idea is a terrible one!

My DP is younger than me and has a high sex drive but if he just started groping me it would massively turn me off.

It sounds like he has a high sex drive but no finesse. I also think that when people are constantly searching for the next big thrill - new positions, new experiments etc it's because they never really worked on finding anything that satisfied them.

It's great when sex is exciting and experimental.....occasionally. In a long-term committed releationship you also need to have cosiness and familiarity and find what works for you.

Think you have to have a very stern word with your DP

LadyThumb · 13/08/2011 13:05

I had all that, OP. It was constant. I put up with it for 5 years, then we split up and got divorced. It was pretty awful, tbh, and has put me off so much that I haven't been near a man in 19 years!

foxinsocks · 13/08/2011 13:12

I don't think a rota is that bad an idea as a short term measure just to get him to understand how often you want it

Fgs, has the man never heard of wanking? In all seriousness, does he have time/space to be able to wank if he needs to?

Original poster

natandjacob · 13/08/2011 13:19

sorry to hear about that lady, i do worry that will happen to us aswell. I dont think they realise how off putting it is!

fox I dont mind him having a wank and using porn if he needs to. in fact a lot of the time i encourage it. The man just cant get enough!

OP posts:

ledkr · 13/08/2011 13:21

I wouldnt give my right arm or any other part of my body for a man like that,he sounds like a sex pest,i would find it very off putting.
We do it when ever we both feel like it and if we arent too tired form babies. This can be every day for weeks or not at all for a week it just depends and isnt that how it should be?Pleasure not a function.

at the contraception in the food

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