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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel like a performing monkey?? not for sensitive ears!

80 replies

natandjacob · 13/08/2011 10:55

DP has a very high sex drive, he could have it every hour of the day if possible. I, on the other hand, dont. Dont get me wrong, I like sex as much as the next person but not to that extent.

The problem is that I feel like no matter what I do, and how many different positions we try he always wants more. He's never satisfied!

How often does everyone else do it? how experimental are you? It's really stressing me out cos I feel like a performing sex monkey :( He wants to plan it all the time and never just wants to leave it and see what happens. He gropes me at every given oppurtunity and complains when i get undressed in the dark. I know a lot of women would give their right arm for all of this but I just feel under so much pressure to keep him satisfied, am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 13/08/2011 13:27

The thing is, some people just prefer quantity over quality... it would drive me mad. It's not at all flattering either, when you think that men can use melons, apple pies and goodness knows what else, does he fancy those too? How can you not feel objectified, OP, and how can you not mind when you encourage him to use porn if he feels like it? He's getting the wrong message from you.

It sounds like a habit that has nothing to do with tenderness or consideration for you and I wouldn't tolerate it at all.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 13/08/2011 13:28

Contraceptive in the food? ... hit it hard with a cold teaspoon, that will do it.

chubsasaurus · 13/08/2011 13:34

Christ I'd castrate him and I have a high sex drive. Sounds awful.

BeauFauxQuo · 13/08/2011 13:39

The porn use may be fuelling his high sex drive and also encouraging him to see you as a sex object.

I think the whole sex issue needs exploring in your relationship, possibly couple conselling?sex therapy? Counselling for him to explore his compulsive need to have sex?

Sounds like he could be a borderline sex/porn addict.

Original poster

natandjacob · 13/08/2011 13:54

think i gave the wrong impression on porn. he doesnt use it that often but he does have to wank a lot. well, i dont know if it is a lot cos i've never really been a "self pleasurer" is nearly every morning a lot?
does sex therapy actually exist? thought that sort of thing only really happened in the USA!

OP posts:

Anifrangapani · 13/08/2011 13:58

Put bromide in his tea.

Dignified · 13/08/2011 14:18

This is all wrong , and as others say dont let him convince you that women are queing up to be groped and mithered for sex . Theyre not . Ive exerienced this myself with my exH , ex for exactly that reason .

Someone else raised the issue of control and i would urge you to ponder that rather than thinking its a sex issue . I dont think it is . This guy knows you dont like being groped but continues to do it anyway regardless of how you feel . Thats not on and is quite a statement in itself , and a symptom of the lack of respect he has for you , as is complaining about you getting dressed in the dark . Some men will do this sort of thing deliberaley to reduce you to a sex object and humiliate you .

Theres a chapter in Living with the Dominater that details the Sexual Controller . You should read it . Its your body , take back some control and start saying No . No to being groped , No to demanding sex or planning it , and the right to get undressed whereever you want .Expect to be sulked at , called frigid or told youve got a problem .

Fooffy · 13/08/2011 14:23

What bothers me is, you say you are flattered he fancies you that much. If that was me I would be more worried that I could be anyone or anything. As long as it had breasts and an available hole it could be any nameless faceless thing. Maybe that needs addressing. Has he stopped seeing you as you?

Helltotheno · 13/08/2011 14:24

'Though I do agree with what you say about it being nice that he fancies you so much,'

Hmmm, well it's not really that her fancies her per se is it? He just wants a constant convenient orifice and her's happens to be it... Way to treat his wife like a sex object :(
No advice for ya hon except to say I'd be out the door like a shot, me... life's too short....

TheOriginalNutcracker · 13/08/2011 14:26

Xp was very much like this, even to the point of waking me in the night for sex, which i find one of the most selfish things a person can do.

We had lots of discussions about it, and he'd change for about a week and then go back to how he was.

It's one of the many reasons he is my ex.

Helltotheno · 13/08/2011 14:30

X posts Fooffy but I agree with you completely..

Original poster

natandjacob · 13/08/2011 14:35

i honestly dont think he would cheat on me just to get some sex, it just seems to be my body he goes mad for. he's very faithful so im not worried in that area.
he does have a control issue though but i dont know how to handle it. i must admit i am a bit of a doormat, i like to be looked after in the relationship, dont like having too many responsibilities. does wanting this mean i'll always end up with a controlling man? sorry if i sound a bit all over the place, im just confused by what i want out of this relationship and my thoughts aren't very clear at the moment :(

OP posts:

Dignified · 13/08/2011 14:46

Nat , there is only one sort of man who makes his partner feels pressurized into having sex , or who gropes at her knowing full well she doesnt like it . I would be honestly surprised if he was faithfull , this sort are usually heavily into porn and those nasty sex sites .

I would order that book and start educating yourself about controlling tactics , id also join the support thread for emotional abuse . Do you live together , have dcs ?

YaMaYaMa · 13/08/2011 15:06

Sorry, OP, but from what little you've said he sounds vile. I dont know any women who'd give their right arm to be treated like that.

He sounds domineering, whiny, manipulative and unpleasant

TheFlyingOnion · 13/08/2011 15:10

wow some posters seem to have really leaped to conclusions about this poor guy!

He has a high sex drive, I don't see how posters have then managed to make the leap towards objectifying his partner, being a cheat and being addicted to porn! I also don't think "leave him" is what the OP came on here to hear...

You just need to find a way to let him know that you would like things to change. If you find it hard to articulate what you want in person, why not write a letter? At least you'll be able to marshall your thoughts and explain exactly how much of a problem this is for you.

I would also personally be directing him towards as much porn as he needed to use...

TheFlyingOnion · 13/08/2011 15:11

Emotional abuse?? What rot....

Helltotheno · 13/08/2011 15:13

'i must admit i am a bit of a doormat, i like to be looked after in the relationship, dont like having too many responsibilities'

Maybe you should work on your lack of assertiveness? It doesn't automatically follow that because of the way you are, you'd attract a controlling man but let's face it, a person like you is more likely to. Oh and... being looked after doesn't and shouldn't equate to being a 'doormat'. Being a doormat is not a good thing; partners looking after each other is...

If I were you, I wouldn't delude myself into thinking he's just attracted to your body. A body is just a body and there are lots of nice ones around.
He really just wants to get off all the time and it seems like you're just there for that purpose.

catgirl1976 · 13/08/2011 15:16

I agree wwith TFO. The poor man has a high sex drive, which is only an issue as it is higher than yours. Talk to him - you sound like you have a good relationship so you should be able to communicate with each other.

Not sure why people would suggest you leave him when you have clearly no desire to do that. And a wank every morning and a bit of porn doesn't make him some sort of addict / odd ball.

Just have a good talk with him and get him to understand how you feel and how your sex life would actually be improved by him listening a bit more to what you want.

TheFlyingOnion · 13/08/2011 15:16

Maybe he's so much in love with the OP he wants to express it all the time, and thinks that sex and groping is the way to do it?

Why are people presuming he "just needs an orifice"? Urgh!

catgirl1976 · 13/08/2011 15:17

Some very strange attitudes to sex on here.

DontGoCurly · 13/08/2011 15:24

Nat my DP is like this too. I went along with it for the first two or three years but then I did start to feel objectified. So I started being less available and now he is a lot more grateful when he does get it which is when I feel like it too.

I dont always feel I have to give full sex either. I with some people think the more you give the less it's valued.

I was insecure at first because I thought he might sniff around elsewhere (I know pathetic of me) but thankfully he didn't and seems a lot more appreciative of what we have and I'm a lot happier too.

The world is very pornified and a lot of single men use porn daily and so expect a relationship to be like a non stop porn flim. It takes a while to readjust expectations for some.

You can't be a porn star for him and have a normal life too. It just isn't sustainable. Don't be afraid to talk to him about how you're feeling and explain that the emotional and physical demands on you are just too much.

picnicbasketcase · 13/08/2011 16:00

How do any of you people find the time to do it every day? Can't get any time alone during the day (especially since it's the summer holidays at the moment), too knackered by night time and just want sleep.

People on here do sound a bit to quick to judge this man. I would find it offputting to be pawed at all the time but telling the OP he's up to no good is a bit excessive.

Dignified · 13/08/2011 16:00

Emotional abuse?? What rot....

Really Onion ? Do you think it ok to constantly touch someone sexually when they dont like it ?

I dont know why people are suggesting trying to get him to understand how she feels . Shes stated clearly that shes told him repeatedly how it makes her feel yet still he continues . Theres not a problem with communication , theres a problem with respect .

SaffronCake · 13/08/2011 16:02

Not having mathcing sex drives is something that happens and is blame-neutral, this however is a whole other story...

"He gropes me at every given oppurtunity and complains when i get undressed in the dark."

WTF? You are not meat!!!

smugtandemfeeder · 13/08/2011 16:18

My DP is like this. He is on the autistic spectrum and has a very addictive personality. I have found it helpful to write down what my boundries are as talking to him about it doesnt work, he just feels hurt and as though I dont love him. He doesnt seem to have much empathy for my side of things so writing it down is very helpful.

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