Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To blooming well refuse to pay this debt and tell MIL to p*** off?

103 replies

MetalSian · 12/08/2011 15:54

About a year ago my DP decided to borrow £2600 from his Uncle to buy a car... pretty much behind my back.

He also increased my overdraft to £750 and took out £700 as a deposit for said car.

Now a year down the line I am being told by his mother that she needs to talk with 'us' about paying his uncle back.
DP is supposed to be paying back £50 a month but was unemployed and only been in a new job for a month so money is tight =/.
Apparently as we are a couple we are both responsible for the money.

To which I replied:
'Please don't tell me I am responsible for a debt that I had nothing to with and had no choice over, I am not going to argue about it, please do ring DP and talk to him about it.'

This carried on for a little while longer with her not getting the picture that I refuse to put any money towards something I had no choice about.

And the last thing I got was: 'will talk to u both together cos im sick of the divided loyalty between families here' (Yes, she doesn't manage to type in proper English).

AIBU? Should I be responsible for paying back this debt as well?
Fed up of being piggy in the middle and everyone moaning to me instead of talking to DP [Angry].

OP posts:
evenlessnarkypuffin · 12/08/2011 16:02

So he borrowed the money behind your back and 'increased my overdraft to £750 and took out £700 as a deposit for said car' Shock How did he access your bank account?

The only question I would ask is what happened to the car? I know you had no part in getting the car but once it arrived did you use it/benefit from it?

evenlessnarkypuffin · 12/08/2011 16:03

'increased my overdraft to £750 and took out £700 as a deposit for said car'
I would have reported him to the police for theft BTW

smoggii · 12/08/2011 16:07

Do you use the car, by that I mean even get lifts in it? If you do, it's a family car and therefore a family debt. Your DH needs a swift kick up the a*se for borrowing money behind your back and if it were borrowed from a bank you would have to pay it back or they would come after you both.

Just because you borrowed it from family doesn't mean your DH can take the piss and not pay it back and if he doesn't have the money he needs to either ask you to pay it on his behalf from the family pot or get a loan from elsewhere to pay it back then sort that out. Why should his uncle be out of pocket?

Your MIL is taking the right approach and asking to speak to you both to make sure you are both aware what is going on. If she didn't include you you'd be complaining that they were making more decisions on your family finances without you.

Original poster
MetalSian · 12/08/2011 16:07

=/ I know that wasn't good, believe me. He had depression and a load of problems at the time however.

And this has started because he is thinking about 'breaking' the car, so selling it in bits as he thinks it will make more money.
She asked why then started telling me 'we' needed to pay his uncle back.

OP posts:
scurryfunge · 12/08/2011 16:08

It is a debt that you will have to deal with as a partnership,assuming you are still with him. If you are not going to deal with the fraud aspect on your account, then the money still needs to be paid. Sell the car or work out a way to pay it back. Have you not noticed the car for a year?

gapants · 12/08/2011 16:09

You have a joint bank account? Sorry but that does not ring true what you have said.

Also, if he could no afford to buy a car, then where did you think the car magically appeared from?

Lastly, as much as I agree you MIL needs to talk to your DP, maybe they cant and need your help in getting him in one place in order to do this.

Also FWIW in my relationship, his debts are my debts as we are partners and everything is shared. Even if it is a big shit pie. I would be livid, but I would also share the burden as part of the furrows of a partnership and decide if if could be with such an irresponsible man, or not.

AgentZigzag · 12/08/2011 16:11

I would just carry on being firm and persistant, the same as you're doing at the minute.

You're not responsible for what your adult partner does with money.

Did he sell the car when he lost his job and make payments with the cash to his uncle? Because that would be my first port of call, get a smaller car/do without.

It's a debt he can't afford and he should be trying to sort a solution out, not burying his head in the sand.

Tanif · 12/08/2011 16:11

Tell your husband that unless he has his own fully equipped garage that breaking a car is the stupidest idea in the world and will categorically NOT make him more money unless it's a particularly rare/exotic/sought after model.

And of course while he was breaking the car you'd have to get used to your whole house being covered in oily bits of car. Not fun.

AgentZigzag · 12/08/2011 16:13

I would agree normally that in a relationship his debts would be her debts too, but someone being deceptive and sly calls all the bets off.

LineRunner · 12/08/2011 16:14

You can't increase someone else's overdraft.

MerylStrop · 12/08/2011 16:20

YOur poor MIL is in an impossible position here.

I would make no bones about telling her that your DPobtained the loan and bought the car behind your back and even stole from you to do so.

But why did you not deal with this at the time?

Original poster
MetalSian · 12/08/2011 16:21

He can increase my overdraft by going into my account online.
Yes I am an idiot as he knew my password.

I have told him he needs to sell the car and pay everyone back, which I hope he is in the process of doing.

The car didn't magically appear, he used the money from my account to pay the deposit, then the loan from his uncle to pay the rest.

And he is working as a mechanic, so it will be broken at the garage Tanif... the engine is worth £2000, which he has been offered so I hope it will work.

Sorry if that was a bit all over the place, was trying to answer peoples questions =].

OP posts:
FakePlasticTrees · 12/08/2011 16:22

If he did increase your overdraft without your permission, and then withdraw the money, he stole from you.

Behaving like that with my bank account and stealing from me would be deal breakers for me, depression or no depression. He'd be out on his ear back that. I couldn't trust him again and i couldn't live with a man I didn't trust.

Breaking up the car is a very, very stupid idea. Tell him to sell it whole. Give his Uncle whatever he gets for it and then go back to paying off £50 a month for the rest.

And tell your MIL that this is between her son and her brother, both of you should stay out of it (if the uncle is on at her, she should direct him to the person who owes him the money).

FakePlasticTrees · 12/08/2011 16:26

X post about breaking up the car, well that makes sense, he needs to do it quickly.

Thing is, in normal relationships, your DP doesn't just steal from you, if my DH needed change for something like parking, he'd ask me before going into my purse and just taking it, and that's £4-5 - for £700, why didn't he ask you? That he felt entitled to just take it says how low he thinks about you.

Also, who else does he owe money to? You can't trust this man with money, how do you know he's not got other debts? Are you prepared to hide your passwords, your bank cards, your purse at all times from him?

Wow, just, wow.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 12/08/2011 16:27

From what you've said, your dp borrowed £2600 from his uncle plus a further £700 from your bank account to pay a deposit on a car.

Fast forward one year and the car that cost £3300 is only fit to be broken up and sold for spares?

There seems to be something not quite right about this tale.

How much of this "pretty much behind my back"loan, deposit, and purchase, were you aware of before you noticed your dp driving around in a vehicle that was unfamiliar to you?

How much of the generous loan has your dp repaid to his uncle during the past year?

FTR, I'm not surprised your dp's dm is spitting feathers especially if the uncle in question is her db or bil

DogsBestFriend · 12/08/2011 16:28

Your husband is a fraud and a thief. He accessed your bank account and borrowed money without your permission or knowledge.

Why the feck SHOULD you bail him out and pay HIS debts? This isn't a family debt, it's HIS debt, stand firm and repeat as often as it takes to get through,

"I am not discussing this with you MIL nor am I paying the debt as I did not borrow any money. You need to speak to DH to recover the money HE borrowed. Please don't trouble me with this again."

ChaoticAngeltheInnocentOne · 12/08/2011 16:29

He stole from you and you're still with him?

Original poster
MetalSian · 12/08/2011 16:30

Tbh Fake he has got much better recently.
I let him now that the way he was behaving was unacceptable and if he didn't sort himself out he could leave.

My parents are giving us a car, my old crappy one, so we can use that.
I hope he will sell this one and pay everyone back so things will be sorted.

I just don't get why everyone from his family moans to me about it but never talks to him =/.
It is obvious I can't control him so why they can't just talk to him is beyond me.

OP posts:
DogsBestFriend · 12/08/2011 16:30

Good point, Chaotic.

Had this been my husband he would have come home to find the locks changed - and sod what the law says about that, he clearly isn't a fan of the law anyway!

Original poster
MetalSian · 12/08/2011 16:31

know* I am not illiterate... honest xD.

OP posts:
MerylStrop · 12/08/2011 16:31

when is he going to pay YOU back?

have you been using this as your household car? if so I don;t hink it is unreasonable for your MIL and the Uncle to expect you to share in the responsibility for repaying the loan

Original poster
MetalSian · 12/08/2011 16:31

Okay, I have to go out for a few hours, but I will be back =].

OP posts:
FakePlasticTrees · 12/08/2011 16:37

They talk to you because they assume you're a normal couple who wouldn't take on large debts without it being a joint decision, regardless of which of you is the one who'll be actually paying it back.

They talk to you because they assume you're a normal couple who see both incomes as the family income and any significant debts as family debts, and budget accordingly in times of redundancy.

They talk to you because they assume you're a normal couple whereby your DP respects what you say and will listen to you if you talk to him about it.

They talk to you because they assume you're a normal couple and you can trust each other to work as a team.

busybee1983 · 12/08/2011 16:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

redexpat · 12/08/2011 17:04

All of the above. And change your internet security settings and password. I got a letter from my bank today telling me that they are introducing an additional security measure called a key card. When you get yours, guard it closely.