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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To blooming well refuse to pay this debt and tell MIL to p*** off?

103 replies

MetalSian · 12/08/2011 15:54

About a year ago my DP decided to borrow £2600 from his Uncle to buy a car... pretty much behind my back.

He also increased my overdraft to £750 and took out £700 as a deposit for said car.

Now a year down the line I am being told by his mother that she needs to talk with 'us' about paying his uncle back.
DP is supposed to be paying back £50 a month but was unemployed and only been in a new job for a month so money is tight =/.
Apparently as we are a couple we are both responsible for the money.

To which I replied:
'Please don't tell me I am responsible for a debt that I had nothing to with and had no choice over, I am not going to argue about it, please do ring DP and talk to him about it.'

This carried on for a little while longer with her not getting the picture that I refuse to put any money towards something I had no choice about.

And the last thing I got was: 'will talk to u both together cos im sick of the divided loyalty between families here' (Yes, she doesn't manage to type in proper English).

AIBU? Should I be responsible for paying back this debt as well?
Fed up of being piggy in the middle and everyone moaning to me instead of talking to DP [Angry].

OP posts:
Original poster
MetalSian · 12/08/2011 19:55

He does have good points, just when he does things like this it seems to start to outweigh them.

Most of the time he is great, and don't get me wrong I love him to bits, but he can't seem to see when he is wrong.
And when he turns into complete dickhead mode, he is well a complete dickhead xD.

OP posts:
Wamster · 12/08/2011 19:57

Tell her to mind her own business. Crikey, do you want her interfering in every aspect of your life? She sounds a nightmare. But, I have to say, irritating though she is, I think you have greater problems with your dp.

Wamster · 12/08/2011 20:02

I don't know how you and your dp work things out financially, but a lot of couples work it out their own way, so no, she cannot assume anything and, really, it's nobody else' business (apart from banks, of course!). Tell her to s*d off. You owe her no explanation.

joric · 12/08/2011 20:17

Let him sort it out with his mother- just say to her 'you'll have to talk to him, I don't know what he's planning to do about this'
Don't start thinking you are wrong to be with him (believe me, my DH can be a bit of a :( )- just make sure you protect yourself by being wary of agreeing to things such as debts in your name. Have standard replies for your interfering MIL... Always along the lines of 'talk to DH, he will sort out the mess he has got himself into- I'm afraid I can't do it for him'.

Original poster
MetalSian · 12/08/2011 20:24

I think it may be worse than I thought.

I think he has tried taking out a pay day loan to buy this new car =/.
I must have done something reallllllllllly bad in a previous life.

How could he be so stupid.
From being paid on the 1st of the month (to last until 1st Aug) he has £16.00 left.

slaps head
I feel like I am living in a fucking soap!

OP posts:
FakePlasticTrees · 12/08/2011 20:29

can you live like this for the rest of your life?

MoaningMcMyrtlepants · 12/08/2011 20:36

I am afraid at this point I would tell him that either he sells the car and pays off his debt to his uncle and you and he accepts the cheap run around while he SAVES for a better car or you will be packing his bags and he will have to find some where else to live, probably his Mum who I suspect will defiantly make sure he pays his debts. Which option would he prefer?

Goldenbear · 12/08/2011 20:43

Fakeplastictrees, I think you have a very idealistic view of relationships that may be your experience but most IME do not work like that.

fedupofnamechanging · 12/08/2011 20:46

tbh you seem to be accepting this way of life and all the time you tolerate and enable his behaviour he will not get any better.

You are not liable for his debts - you are not married and you have separate finances. I hope you've changed your banking passwords because your partner is a thief. You should have left him the day he stole from you.

It's not too late, you know. He sounds like he lives in cloud cuckoo land.

fedupofnamechanging · 12/08/2011 20:50

If he's borrowing money all over the place and defaulting, then expect a visit from the bailiffs at some point. Do you really want your child growing up in a household where his dad can't be trusted with access to money?

Original poster
MetalSian · 12/08/2011 20:52

Yeah, I will talk to him when he gets back.

It keeps happening, I don't think I can fool myself he will get better =[.
Told my parents so they will help me stick to it.
Unless he has some miracle answer.

Can't wait to be a 20 year old single mum with a toddler =[.

OP posts:
fedupofnamechanging · 12/08/2011 20:56

Metal, you are a single mum to all intents and purposes. At the moment though you have 2 kids instead of one. A partner is only a partner if you can rely on them to help you rather than hold you back.

joric · 12/08/2011 20:57

:( OP :(

takethisonehereforastart · 12/08/2011 21:00

If I were you I would want to be involved in that conversation, with all of you face to face, so there can be no chinese whispers about who said what later on.

Still make your position very clear.

You had no part in this debt, he committed fraud in order to steal from you and lied to his uncle about being able to pay the loan back, you are still in debt because of his actions and he is too stupid to realise he is making a bad situation a whole lot worse.

Have you seen the APR on those payday loans?

If he can't pay back £50 per month to his uncle he's not going to manage after paying back a payday loan is he?

And all of you seem to think this is okay, that he would secretly access your bank account, get you into debt, steal money that you did not have with the assumption that you would either pay it back for him or live with the debt.

They are more upset that he hasn't paid his uncle back but at least he had a choice to lend that money. But everyone should be upset that he is a liar and a thief who will steal from his own partner to buy a car he can't afford.

Does he need a car for work? Or can he get there by public transport? Because it will do nobody any good if he loses his job for lack of transportation but if it's within the hours of normal public transport then he has to sell the car however he can and do without another one if it means paying back the money.

FakePlasticTrees · 12/08/2011 21:03

Goldenbear - I admit I'm in a good relationship (because i've ended crap ones early on before meeting DH), but I don't know anyone who'd really think that it's ok to buy a car without discussing it with their partner, expect for people who are rich enough to buy it outright. I don't know anyone who when their partner lost their job, wouldn't talk about how debt repayments would be made.

The thing is, this isn't about MIL interfering is it, it's about a man who's reckless with money - and I wouldn't tolerate being stolen from. If OP's DP really wanted the £700, why didn't he ask for it? He doesn't respect her enough to ask. Some people are ok with being in a relationship like that, I'm not.

OP - He won't change unless he has to. So that's has to because he's bankrupt, or has to because you make it clear he's going to lose you if he doesn't. He seems to have no boundaries when it comes to money, you need to put boundaries in.

superjobee · 12/08/2011 21:21

oh god :( i have no advice but you poor thing and your poor son having a dickhead that steals from his mum, gets you both into debt causes problems for you both and the wee one for a dad :(

be lucky you're not married because AFAIK his debt would be yours if you were wed.

Original poster
MetalSian · 12/08/2011 21:28

So just talked ot him on the phone.
I believe he is coming to get his things.
As apparently he can't see why him getting that car is wrong.

I MEAN WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry very angry and upset.
God I am so fucking stupid!

He doesn't seem to give a shit, he would rather give up and leave than for once in his fucking life do it the way I suggest.
Apparently I can't see it from his point of view.

OP posts:
lydiamama · 12/08/2011 21:35

Hi hun, I have not read the whole thread, sorry, but I think you need to show him the reality of life, he thinks you are his second mummy and will care and provide for him forever, not the right way to be when you are father and partner, is it?
Try to have a talk with you MIL and calmly explain that you did not know about him borrowing the money, and about your overdraft and any other think of the kind he has done, and she should see the problem for herself, but anyway just say that is not the way to care for his young family, so you are not paying any of the debt back because you want him to deal with it himself and so get a life lesson about money handling, and respect for others, and any nasty claim her or her brother have to do, just make them to him.
If he does not change his ways with money now that he has a child, love, it is a very bad sign..... Make him pay his part of the rent, bills, food, child clothes, toys and so on, and on if he wants to enjoy a family of his own.

lots of hugs and pattience for you hun, best luck and hope he gets the point soon enough

fedupofnamechanging · 12/08/2011 21:38

Metal, I am very sorry that you are being upset like this. It's a horrible situation to be in. If he is not prepared to change though, then it is better he goes now rather than later, when your debts have increased.

Original poster
MetalSian · 12/08/2011 21:40

Isn't it just shit when believe someone can actually be a better person.

To have stood up for him for 3 years, just to be battered down now makes it worse.
And for me and DS to come second to a fucking car.
Come on.

OP posts:
lydiamama · 12/08/2011 21:40

Just read your last post. Do not panick hun, he is coming for his things, so let him do it, and do not cry, or argue with him, try to behave like you would a normal day, that will pissed him off a lot. He is either trying to soften you by threating you with leaving you alone with your child, and he will be back soon enough, or if he is actually that much crap, you believe me, you will be better without him.

Be strong honey

nocake · 12/08/2011 21:40

You need to split your finances from him asap to protect yourself.

fedupofnamechanging · 12/08/2011 21:42

It is shit that it's like this. All you can do though is take care of yourself and your little boy. He doesn't deserve either of you x

Original poster
MetalSian · 12/08/2011 21:42

He can't get into my bank account, or my paypal or anything.
Don't worry I learnt that one.

I just want him to pay me back that £700 but he has no money anyway.

jfjbfkjbdjf,xmcn

Yes... not very good but that is how I feel.

OP posts:
lydiamama · 12/08/2011 21:54

you said he has a job now, does not him? he may not have money today, but he will in the future, and he has a chance (just one) to put right his wrong doings, and pay back to his uncle and you, and treat you the right way.
He should be really worhless if he was to abandon the most important people in the world for a car!!!!!! If he is anything close to a man, he will admit streching himself far too much for a stupid car, and will face HIS problems with his uncle and mother, and you will get your money back to spend it on you and your lovely son.
did he actually steal the money from you? or did he ask it borrowed and then not repaid?