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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No I'm NOT, I'm really really NOT! But I am so bloody soft!

104 replies

TheRhubarb · 22/07/2011 16:23

I need to rant, I really really do, more at my own stupidity really.

There is a mum whose ds is going to the same secondary as my dd. I have taken her son under my wing a bit as he has learning difficulties and I've helped him to deal with some bullies, so I have a soft spot for him. I know they are a bit short of cash so last week I told her that she could get second hand uniforms from the reception at the school and that I was going today for my dd's uniform. She thanked me and asked me to get the number of the school for her, I did wonder why she couldn't do it herself but it wasn't a problem so I got her the number.

Then yesterday she approached me and asked me if I could pick up her son's uniform today as I was going for dd's. She had even written the sizes down for me and told me that she had no car etc etc and if I told her how much she owed she would pay me back.

I thought that was cheeky but like the fool I am, I agreed, however we are away this weekend, it's dd's birthday and we are short of cash ourselves.

I went to the school and she had already phoned them and told them I would be be paying for her son's uniform! I phoned her mobile, it was off, I phoned her home phone and left a message to say how much it was and that I need the cash after school today.

So after school I seek her out and hand over the uniform whilst explaining what I'd managed to get for her. She then says she doesn't have the money as she wouldn't get paid until Monday! Well what could I do? I had already handed the uniform over, I had stupidly paid for it out of my own money and now she wasn't going to pay me back until next week! She claimed she hadn't been home all day so hadn't got my message.

I'm now thinking that I will never see that money again and I am kicking myself for being such a fool! The money I had saved by buying second hand has just been wiped out by this woman. I am so very very stupid!

OP posts:
Filibear · 22/07/2011 16:26

This reply has been deleted

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oldraver · 22/07/2011 16:29

No your not being stupid, but you do need to be very firm with her and go and get the money on Monday. If she doesn't have them money then, I would ask for the uniform back as you need the money that was spent out on it.

She could just be genuinly short or trying it on, but dont let her.

worraliberty · 22/07/2011 16:30

What makes you think she won't pay you back?

sleepindogz · 22/07/2011 16:31

some people are very very good at taking others for mugs - as soon as you twig or stop being compliant, she will latch on to someone new

Original poster
TheRhubarb · 22/07/2011 16:35

I don't know she won't give me the money back but it doesn't look good. Firstly she tells the school that I will pay for her son's uniform Hmm

Then she claims not to have received my telephone message.

She also then presumes it will be fine to say she hasn't been paid and so make me wait until after the weekend when she says she will drop the money round Hmm

What is really galling is that we are trying to save, hence buying dd second hand uniform. It's her birthday this weekend and we are going to stay at her grandma's in Lancashire, 200 miles away so that cash actually was needed this weekend. Sad

OP posts:
diddl · 22/07/2011 16:39

But why did you pay?

Wouldn´t the school have held onto it?

starfishmummy · 22/07/2011 16:45

Hindsight is wonderful but I probably would have just told the school that the arrangement I had was just to collect the uniform and that I had not agreed to pay for it.

Hope you get the money on Monday Rhubarb

Original poster
TheRhubarb · 22/07/2011 16:48

Well I did ask the school but they close over the holidays so she wouldn't have got the uniform in time for his first day, she would have had to gone onto their specialist school shop and that would have cost a small fortune.

As it is she's got 2 sweatshirts, 2 polo shirts and a rugby top for PE all with the school logo on for just a fraction of the price. As it was I had to shell out for brand new polo shirts for dd as they didn't have any in her size.

I should feel as though I've made a huge saving, but as I've just paid for her son's uniform I don't. I do hope she pays me back and I will be phoning her on Monday to make sure. I will chase this. But it's really annoying to think that I'm out of pocket for this weekend.

OP posts:
TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 22/07/2011 16:49

I really hope you get the money back.

If you don't, then might I suggest going into the school, explaining the situation and asking them to give you your money back and get it back off her? I don't know whether they would do that, but they might, do you think?

diddl · 22/07/2011 16:52

She was taking a risk, though-how did she know that you weren´t trying to phone her to say that you didn´t have the money??

BobbaFettBountyHunter · 22/07/2011 16:54

It sounds as though there's been a miscommunication along the way, she said she would pay back what she owed you, and you agreed so she probably assumed you would be paying for it, how else would she have got it before school ended?
She probably called the school to sa that because she assumed this is what you meant. She also said she would pay you back, tbh you should have specified a time or day before you went to collect it, she might not have known you were desperate for money or you were saving, people aren't mind readers.
I think if you keep harrassing her about paying it over the weekend she might think you're a bit of a freak, just text her asking if she wants to stop over for a coffee on monday when she drops off the money.

Original poster
TheRhubarb · 22/07/2011 17:06

Tbh I was taken aback when she asked and would assume, as most people would, that when she said she'd pay back that she would do so straight away.

I left a message for her asking for the money back for this weekend. Even if she hadn't got the message she would have done by now so she knows we needed it.

How on earth dare she presume that I can just afford to pay for an additional child's uniform and wait over the weekend to be paid back anyway, I've never given her any indication that I have any more money than she has.

I won't be texting her this weekend as it's my dd's birthday and I have better things to do. But I will phone her on Monday to remind her. Although I don't know what to do if she starts making excuses.

OP posts:
LoveBeingAbleToNamechange · 22/07/2011 17:32

Oh dear, fingers crossed for you.

diddl · 22/07/2011 17:37

Just reading again, she did tell you to let her know what she owes, so it does sound as if the intention to pay back is there-but when?

I couldn´t ask someone to do this without giving money up front, though.

Maybe she phoned the school in case she thought that you would be prevented from buying more than one lot?

But she does sound a bit of a user putting all this on you-she could have asked if you´d be kind enough to take her since you were already going?

Dozer · 22/07/2011 17:39

You didn't have to pay for it and shouldn't have, you are too soft!

BrianAndHisBalls · 22/07/2011 17:43

I don't understand Confused She asked you to get it and told you to tell her what she owed you so it was obvious she expected you to pay then you'd pay her back?

Surely you knew therefore that you'd be paying and she'd then pay you? I understand you thought she'd pay you today not Monday but even so I don't quite understand.

FuzzpigFourFiveSix · 22/07/2011 17:45

At least presumably you'll see her around a lot so you can keep harassing reminding her.

inkyfingers · 22/07/2011 17:49

What a fantastic friend you are. But she must pay up in full. Speak to her on Monday and be polite but firm about how much she owes. She will have had the weekend to sort the cash. Don't let it go on much longer or it gets really hard to get her to pay and also will damage the friendship (which sounds like it's cooling).

Original poster
TheRhubarb · 22/07/2011 18:46

Well I would never ever do this to anyone. I would never presume that if I couldn't afford something that someone else can. How does she know when I get paid? Getting someone to pay for something on a Friday is not on.

Brian, it was my presumption that she'd pay back today. She didn't mention waiting for payday (actually she said today she had been paid but it hadn't gone into her bank? Hmm) So when she said to tell her how much she owed me I presumed it was so she could get the money to pay back when I gave her the uniform.

I would never have paid knowing she didn't have the money to pay back until Monday.

Will I ever learn to say no? Mind you she didn't give me a choice, she'd spoken to the school before she spoke to me and had written her son's sizes down for me, so I had no chance to say no. But I certainly will be doing in future!

I hate that feeling of being taken advantage of and yes I am too stupid and way too soft. Wish I could say no more often. She's not even a friend, I took her son under my wing a bit but I never did more than chat with her before and after school.

OP posts:
Tenacity · 22/07/2011 19:18

No point beating yourself over it. What's done is done.

Wait until Monday, and then chase her up for the payment.

springydaffs · 22/07/2011 21:42

Maybe she wouldn't have done that ordinarily but she ws desperate. As you say OP, the school shuts today and that was her last chance to get the uniform at a price she could afford. She may not have had the bottle to ask you outright if you could afford it for the w/e - or assumed you had it and it could wait a few days. ime people have different values around money and some wouldn't think twice about subbing a friend for a few days or weeks (or expecting a friend to sub them), whereas other people are horrified. I don't think she has necessarily taken advantage of you OP but her back was against the wall as this was the last day and she didn't have the money.

Original poster
TheRhubarb · 22/07/2011 22:40

SHE WASN'T EVEN A FRIEND!

I could understand it if she was, I'd offer if I was a friend. This is a mum who I speak to occasionally and never outside of school.

It was me who told her about the second hand uniforms, ordinarily she'd have to pay around £20 per sweatshirt, £8.50 each for the polo tops, £25 for the rugby shirt and so on. I just can't believe that she would arrange this with the school without asking me first and that she expects me to wait until after the weekend for my money back.

I might be wrong, but I doubt it. She was out of order, I am a fool, I should have just said no.

OP posts:
2shoes · 22/07/2011 22:42

she was bang out of order, she should have paid you straight away,
I hope you get the money back

Original poster
TheRhubarb · 22/07/2011 23:00

Cheers 2shoes, we can ill afford to start paying out for other kids school uniforms when we are saving up to clothe our own. I could just kick myself for not being stronger and saying NO. But then some people know just how to make you feel so guilty, like the last day of term, last chance to get the uniform, no car, money not in bank yet, sob sob. Perhaps that's how she operates, by getting favours from people. I'm a bloody soft touch and if I don't watch out my own kids are going to be doing without because I've given money to other bloody kids.

Just seething Angry and it doesn't help that dh keeps saying "why did you do that? Why didn't you say something?" BECAUSE I WAS PUT ON THE SPOT AND COULDN'T SAY NO!

Please remind me of this so I never make this mistake again.

OP posts:
2shoes · 22/07/2011 23:03

ds had a friend like that in primary, he was from a large family and me and a friend got stung so many times, in the end I refused to pay for him to go into a school disco and told the HT who was on the door his mum would pay later.
it is a hard lesson

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