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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No I'm NOT, I'm really really NOT! But I am so bloody soft!

104 replies

TheRhubarb · 22/07/2011 16:23

I need to rant, I really really do, more at my own stupidity really.

There is a mum whose ds is going to the same secondary as my dd. I have taken her son under my wing a bit as he has learning difficulties and I've helped him to deal with some bullies, so I have a soft spot for him. I know they are a bit short of cash so last week I told her that she could get second hand uniforms from the reception at the school and that I was going today for my dd's uniform. She thanked me and asked me to get the number of the school for her, I did wonder why she couldn't do it herself but it wasn't a problem so I got her the number.

Then yesterday she approached me and asked me if I could pick up her son's uniform today as I was going for dd's. She had even written the sizes down for me and told me that she had no car etc etc and if I told her how much she owed she would pay me back.

I thought that was cheeky but like the fool I am, I agreed, however we are away this weekend, it's dd's birthday and we are short of cash ourselves.

I went to the school and she had already phoned them and told them I would be be paying for her son's uniform! I phoned her mobile, it was off, I phoned her home phone and left a message to say how much it was and that I need the cash after school today.

So after school I seek her out and hand over the uniform whilst explaining what I'd managed to get for her. She then says she doesn't have the money as she wouldn't get paid until Monday! Well what could I do? I had already handed the uniform over, I had stupidly paid for it out of my own money and now she wasn't going to pay me back until next week! She claimed she hadn't been home all day so hadn't got my message.

I'm now thinking that I will never see that money again and I am kicking myself for being such a fool! The money I had saved by buying second hand has just been wiped out by this woman. I am so very very stupid!

OP posts:
ZillionChocolate · 25/07/2011 21:20

Don't be fobbed off! Keep asking, and if you do end up giving up, tell the school's biggest gossip about it!

lady007pink · 26/07/2011 05:31

Any update, OP?

Whatmeworry · 26/07/2011 10:10

That is appalling behaviour, I'd tell everyone about her and avoid her from now on. Hope you got the money back.

BrainSurgeon · 26/07/2011 10:17

OP I too think you are lovely, and I think you are very very kind to let it go now that your MIL covered for the unplanned expense.
Just make sure you're a bit more careful in the future :)

ImperialBlether · 26/07/2011 10:36

I think you should be tougher now.

I would send her a text saying "My DH is going to the shops in half an hour so will collect the money you owe me then. It was £x. Thanks."

She obviously believes she can mess you about but I don't think she'll assume the same for your husband.

If I were him, I would say something when I picked it up, too. He could say, "If you'd told X that you weren't going to give her the money on time, she would never have bought the clothes for you. Do you realise we have had no money this weekend because of you?"

ImperialBlether · 26/07/2011 10:37

Why should she let it go? That means that her MIL's treat has gone to pay for another child's uniform!

Original poster
TheRhubarb · 26/07/2011 10:47

I will call her this evening when she is most likely to be in, around teatime and I will ask for the money back. However I'm not going to put myself through a lot of stress, or keep hassling her for the money if it looks like she isn't going to pay me back. I will just put it down to a lesson learnt.

If she didn't have the school uniform then her son would be the one who suffers and tbh he gave me a huge hug when he saw that I'd got his uniform for him, which is partly why I couldn't take it back on the day when she revealed she didn't have the money with her. I'm not doing this for her, I'm doing it for him. He can at least have a uniform and fit in with the rest of them.

I will ask for the money back and if it doesn't materialise then I will make sure she knows that I am angry about it. She can't avoid me since her ds will be in the same form class as my dd. But spreading gossip about her will only harm him.

Sometimes you just have to put it down to a bad mistake. I'll let you know if I get any joy from her tonight.

OP posts:
alemci · 26/07/2011 10:53

Has she got a partner or mother you could speak to. It just is not right DP. She should be ashamed of herself. She could at least bother to contact you to explain. I would be so embarassed if I put another person in this situation.

BrainSurgeon · 26/07/2011 10:59

Well done Rhubarb0 love your last post, I think you are doing the right thing - do also let her know you were unhappy with her ways.

WinkyWinkola · 26/07/2011 11:43

You're very kind and big to take that philosophical approach. That boy will be really happy.

CurrySpice · 26/07/2011 11:45

She still hasn't paid you?!? Shock

Oh OP I'm so sorry she has taken advantage of your kindness :(

ImperialBlether · 26/07/2011 12:00

Do you have a car? When you call for her, could you have your DH in the car, waiting? Stand so that she can see him.

It's not that I think she'd see him as a physical threat, more that she will know others know about it and that should shame her.

ImperialBlether · 26/07/2011 12:01

I really, REALLY think you shouldn't let her get away without paying. It's a terrible lesson for her to learn, it's awful that your MIL has paid for her son's uniform and you won't have stood up for yourself. You won't be being kind by leaving it.

StealthPolarBear · 26/07/2011 12:13

Rhubarb you are lovely and taking a very mature approach. Angry for you that the money your MIL gave you has bought someone else's child's uniform (and presumablt she (they?) are spending the money they would ahve spent on something else but I can't argue with your reasons. Generous and considerate.

Original poster
TheRhubarb · 26/07/2011 12:25

ImperialBlether, I understand your pov and as I said, I will phone her tonight when she is most likely to be in. I can't get my dh involved as he's working long hours at the mo, but I will tell her that I am calling round that way so will drop by for the money.

However if she says she hasn't got it, I'll make another arrangement to call at a certain time tomorrow evening. If she still makes excuses then what more can I do? Call the police?

Hopefully this will all end well and I'll get back the money I've paid, but if it doesn't I have to think about how far I am willing to pursue this. Is it worth getting other people involved? Or do I write it off as a bad experience and move on?

Hopefully she won't find anyone else as stupid as me. But let's just see what happens when I speak to her this evening.

OP posts:
Journey · 26/07/2011 12:28

I don't think you were stupid. When we're put on the spot like that things can throw us.

A few of your posts suggest you don't expect to get the money back. This is where, going forward, you need to change your attitude. You will make sure you get the money back. It's not a case of putting it down to a lesson learnt. You're owed the money. Make sure you get it back. Good luck.

CustardCake · 26/07/2011 12:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Teachermumof3 · 26/07/2011 12:42

I don't really understand your attitude, to be honest. It's not like you were friends with this this woman! How much did the uniform cost? Was it one jumper at £8 or an entire uniform at £180?

I think you are letting her take the complete %^SS if you just write that money off.

Scheherezadea · 26/07/2011 13:01

I don't quite understand, of course she told the school you would be paying - because surely that's how it works - you go there and pay, then she pays you back?! I understand the bit about her delaying the payment back to you, but why are you kicking up a fuss about her telling the school you would pay?? Surely they wouldn't let you take the uniform back for her without someone paying for it?! It's part of the deal - unless she told you she'd call up and make a card payment over the phone the same day you picked it up, but you didn;'t mention that.

mollymole · 26/07/2011 13:02

it need not be a huge hassle to you, do not ring her this evening, just go round to her house (with your husband), knock on her door and say' hello you said you would pay me yesterday so I've come for the money ' if she says she does not have it say - well then i will just have my clothing back then (it is your clothing you paid for it) and then, when school starts again take it back for a refund.
DO NOT let her take the PISS any more

diddl · 26/07/2011 13:07

I agree with mollymole.

And her son won´t suffer as she´ll have to get him a uniform.

Most likely she´ll find the money to pay you, rather than fork out for a new one.

wellwisher · 26/07/2011 14:10

Yes, agree with MM - if she can't pay you, tell her you'll have the clothes back.

Original poster
TheRhubarb · 26/07/2011 14:22

To explain, she had phoned the school up before she had even asked me if I would collect the uniform for her son. So she presumed that I would say yes and pay for it even before she asked me, which pissed me off.

I had mentally written the money off because I guess I thought that anyone who could be that cheeky would almost certainly have the cheek not to bother paying back. However I have said that I will make efforts to get my money back this evening and have explained that dh will not be able to come with me as he works long hours atm and it would involve taking the kids with us both then.

The amount is nowhere near the cost for a full new school uniform, as I said these were second-hand uniforms they were selling at rock bottom prices to go towards school funds. Her ds got 2 school sweaters, 2 polo tops and a rugby shirt which normally would have cost her around £85 but cost a fraction of that. However I had to buy 2 new polo tops for dd which meant I ended up paying more than I expected anyway and with the extra money forked out for her ds, if MIL hadn't been generous this weekend we would have struggled.

But we're ok now and I have said lots of times that I will be contacting her this evening and again tomorrow if I get no joy today. As she hasn't bothered contacting me I presume I shall have to do all the chasing. I have no intention of asking for the uniform back as I could not take that away from a 11yo boy with learning difficulties. As he often didn't have the right uniform at primary school I should imagine she wouldn't get him the uniform for secondary. So if it means he starts school with all the right uniform, feeling proud and happy then it's worth it. At least I know he's benefitted from it directly.

OP posts:
FernandoBanjo · 26/07/2011 15:12

You are lovely. She is a bitch. Try not to let it upset you too much, I probably would have done the same when put on the spot like that, and kicked myself afterwards. Grin

Karma, my dear, karma. Buy a lottery ticket. You are owed something nice.

Fuzzywuzzywozabear · 26/07/2011 16:25

I think her behaviour is outrageous but I can see where you're coming from about leaving it, if necessary. This could end up eating you up and she certainly isn't winding herself up over you - I think if you don't get the money try and use it as a lesson to be more assertive with people in the future.

I'm sorry you've been put in such a bad position, it really isn't on