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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

This is a WWYD not AIBU. I have had very little sleep over the weekend throgh worrying.

67 replies

TheLadyEvenstar · 18/07/2011 22:42

DS1 is coming up 13, obviously he wants freedom etc he has AS.

However on Friday he was once again excluded from school - this is the 5th time since he started in 2009. This time the head of learning had to beg the head of the school not to permanantly exclude DS1.

He was recently diagnoses with aspergers and the school were meant to put some measures in place to help him - as of yet they haven't.

However I really fear he has signed his own fate with the latest incident.

On Wednesday he made some comments to another boy. I am unsure as to what instigated it - if anything tbh. I am so ashamed of him for what he has said as it has not come from home and I am concerned as to where he has got the attitude from.

Anyway as a result of the exclusion I have banned all trips for the next 2 weeks, taken his mobile away and also his PS2. He has had a total tantrum today screaming at me that he is bored and really just going into one, calling me names etc resulting in him losing his tv for 2 days.

I am not sure if I have done the right thing tbh but I don't know what else to do, I am at the end of my tether. I have an appt tomorrow with the dr who diagnosed AS, and hopefully she can give me ideas of strategies to put in place.

I have been so worn out with it all today that I have spent an hour crying. I just feel like I am failing as a mum to DS1.

OP posts:
MissVerinder · 18/07/2011 22:48

If you were failing as a mum, you wouldn't care and wouldn't be posting on here :)

I have worked with older teenagers with Aspergers, and you would be surprised how many of them just repeat stuff they've heard on the television/computer games/read weeks after the fact and on a random basis. It can be a particular problem for some, as it is socially unacceptable, and ends in incidents like the one you're experiencing; not everyone understands what's behind it.

If the school have done nothing to help him, surely you have some recourse here?

joric · 18/07/2011 22:51

You are very right to show your DS that actions have consequences- this is stressful for you but ignore his tantrums. He has done wrong.
As for school, use this incident as an opportunity to sort out provision for your son's SN. The school are on very shaky ground iif they try to permenantly exclude your DS and have not addressed his needs.
Good luck for tomorrow.

GypsyMoth · 18/07/2011 22:53

for your own sanity,for your other smaller ds and for your ds1 you cant remove everything. these kinds of punishments arent working for him. if he's got nothing to do at all,then its setting him up to fail further. i say this knowing from your previous posts,a bit about him.

i would put in place a system for him to earn everything back.

just my take on it

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 18/07/2011 22:53

Miss, I am so - i don't know tbh. I am angry but then wonder if he realises the impact of what he said.

Basically he called an asian boy ( thats relevent) taliban.

This was obviously classed as a racial comment which was passed straight onto the head of the school.

The fact they have done nothing to help him has hindered him I believe and I do know that when teachers call me I am having to repeats about the dx of AS time and again, because the information has not been passed over.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 18/07/2011 22:54

he hhasnt been at this school long has he?

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 18/07/2011 22:54

ILT,

You are right and this is the thing. If I don't remove the items he "gets away with it" if I do then he is bored and creates more - this is why I feel so shitty as I don't know what to do for the best.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 18/07/2011 22:55

ILT, since yr7 he is going into yr9 in September.

OP posts:
joric · 18/07/2011 22:59

School needs to respond to his SN first- with the correct support this sort of thing may not have happened. I am not defending your son at all as what he has said is inappropriate to say the least but school will need to look at the whole picture. use this incident to springboard appropriate support. Don't just accept a telling off/ warning from school... Your son needs more than detentions and exclusions .

bubblesincoffee · 18/07/2011 23:00

My ds has AS too. Get in touch with the national Autistic Society. They have a fantastic telephone helpline, and their website is huge. If you look for them and phone them, I am sure they will be able to help you cope emotionaly, and give you information on strategies that you can use to help deal with his behaviour.

They may also send information to his school, which at the very least would send them the message that you are serious about making them help him.

DogsBestFriend · 18/07/2011 23:02

I'm at a losss to suggest anything wrt DS but it does strike me that school is failing him if they are supposed to put measures in place to assist with his SN and haven't done so.

That being the case you have grounds for appealling the decision to exclude - if I were you I'd post on Education and ask for help from pr47bridge in your title - he really knows his stuff on education law. Also have a look at the ACE and IPSEA websites and call them. ACE has a download on exclusions which offers info on SEN children in this situation.

DogsBestFriend · 18/07/2011 23:02

*Sorry - you MAY WELL have grounds for appealing the exclusion.

Kladdkaka · 18/07/2011 23:06

(((hugs)))

Been there, got the t-shirt and the tranquilisers. My daughter wasn't diagnosed until she was 16, long after she'd gotten herself into a complete and utter mess.

Most of her bad behaviour was a result of anxiety and stress that she was unable to deal with. You have to manage the anxiety in order to improve the behaviour.

Was his tantrum actually a tantrum or was it a meltdown? I would never punish my daughter for a meltdown. I'd wait for her to calm down and then hug her and reassure her of how much I loved her. (Tantrum and I'd punish her)

Also be very careful with taking stuff away if you are trying to address the anxiety. Special interests are part and parcel of AS, they are the anchor which can keep an aspie calm. If you take away access to special interests you are punishing them, yes, but you are also increasing anxiety immensely and ultimately making the problem worse.

There is a forum www.wrongplanet.com for people with AS and their friends and family. It has been a lifeline for me in dealing with some of my daughter's behavioural issues.

NonnoMum · 18/07/2011 23:09

bTW - the school is OBLIGED to provide work for him, and you can request non-internet/computer based work.

That should help keep him busy, especially if the Head of Learning looks over it at the end of the exclusion.

Kladdkaka · 18/07/2011 23:11

Also wanted to add, I used to sit on school exclusion appeals. Every appeal I heard where the school hadn't done all that they could to improve behaviour before exclusion was won.

bellavita · 18/07/2011 23:16

He needs to be doing school work. Ring up tomorrow and ask them to get some work together for you to collect.

Claw3 · 18/07/2011 23:21

Thelady, this is perfect evidence to request statutory assessment.

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 18/07/2011 23:30

joric

This is what I was worried about. If the school had addressed his needs in the first place maybe this could have been avoided. Until Tuesday gone - prior to this incident - the school were not willing to accept there was a problem with DS1's schooling as "He is so bright".

bubblesincoffee

I have emailed NAS today. On a side note, there was a second meeting on Thursday which I attended where the Ed Psych refused to carry out a statutory assessment as it would show the school had failed. I contacted my brother who I initially wanted to write me a letter requesting the SA myself, and he has contacted the school himself to arrange a meeting with the head. myself and him. He runs a disabilty claims company so knows what he is doing.

DogsBestFriend

I will run it past my brother now I know I may have grounds to appeal against it.

Kladdkaka

Was it a tantrum or a meltdown? well I am not sure. I had asked him to dry up - prior to this he was moaning that he was bored as he wanted to go out. So it could have been a bit of both. It is impossible to hug him as he pushes me away all the time.

I am only taking away consoles/tv I never take his "special interests" which are dr who and halo lego. I maybe shouldn't have taken his phone as he uses this to talk to "friends" from school. Although the reason I did take it is because of the content of a message to someone where they had put

"wuu2" and he replied "NM smoking some weed" now I know he wasn't as he was in his bedroom which is next to the living room and I would have smelt it.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 18/07/2011 23:31

I phoned and emailed the school today to ask for work for him they just say "Get him to go on SAM learning" or "Mathletics"

OP posts:
bellavita · 19/07/2011 06:24

No, that is not good enough. They have to provide work. Tell them the computer is broken.

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 19/07/2011 06:34

Bella, I will call them again this morning.

TBH I really do feel this could have been avoided.

I found DS1's statement of what happened last night - after posting this thread. And according to it "A cussed B and I laughed. B then cussed me and I said what I did. I know it was inappropriate but it was the first thing that came to my mind".

This imo makes it worse as there were 3 children involved in insulting eachother.

OP posts:
joric · 19/07/2011 06:43

'Get him to go on SAM learning???!! You are joking!!! Not acceptable at all.

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 19/07/2011 06:45

Joric Sadly I am not joking. In the past when he was off ill/excluded I have asked for work and that is always the answer.

I only want whats best for him and yet in some ways I seem to be fighting a losing battle.

OP posts:
hairfullofsnakes · 19/07/2011 07:17

You poor lady - I hope you get the advice you need x

Kladdkaka · 19/07/2011 08:46

What happened to A and B have they been suspended too?

Kladdkaka · 19/07/2011 09:52

The more I think about this, the more I think that the head has completely over-reacted. He has a disability, one of the problems of which is lack of impulse control and blurting out things which he shouldn't say. Not only that, he was provoked by the actions of others.

No wonder he is angry. As a 12 year old aspie I would have been bubbling with anger and resentment at this because it isn't fair. I bet that he says he knows he shouldn't have said it and that he knows this is why he is being punished, but I also bet that from an emotional perspective he doesn't understand it at all.