This is a WWYD not AIBU. I have had very little sleep over the weekend throgh worrying.

[TheLadyEvenstar]

DS1 is coming up 13, obviously he wants freedom etc he has AS.

However on Friday he was once again excluded from school - this is the 5th time since he started in 2009. This time the head of learning had to beg the head of the school not to permanantly exclude DS1.

He was recently diagnoses with aspergers and the school were meant to put some measures in place to help him - as of yet they haven't.

However I really fear he has signed his own fate with the latest incident.

On Wednesday he made some comments to another boy. I am unsure as to what instigated it - if anything tbh. I am so ashamed of him for what he has said as it has not come from home and I am concerned as to where he has got the attitude from.

Anyway as a result of the exclusion I have banned all trips for the next 2 weeks, taken his mobile away and also his PS2. He has had a total tantrum today screaming at me that he is bored and really just going into one, calling me names etc resulting in him losing his tv for 2 days.


I am not sure if I have done the right thing tbh but I don't know what else to do, I am at the end of my tether. I have an appt tomorrow with the dr who diagnosed AS, and hopefully she can give me ideas of strategies to put in place.

I have been so worn out with it all today that I have spent an hour crying. I just feel like I am failing as a mum to DS1.

[TheLadyEvenstar]

Kladd, they never got suspended because their comments were not racial.

I know 1 said (according to DS1) to DS1, "your mum is a slag and a bitch".

You are right, he doesn't understand that side at all. He thinks that as they were all joking around his comment was just as funny.

[knittedbreast]

I think you should get your son to write a letter to the boy he insulted apologising. you could add your own note explaining that the condition he has means he often repeats things he hears elsewhere and that he didnt mean it.

That would mean alot to the other boy, show your son how to do the right thing and also help his case with the school

what do you think?

[TheLadyEvenstar]

Knitted, he had to do that in school the day after the incident. While he was in "The unit" - so segregated from his class.

[niminypiminy]

Have you posted this on Special Needs Children or Teens? This kind of thing comes up all the time there -- children with ASDs get excluded all the time, sadly, and mostly totally unjustly because they are not getting the appropriate support. Have you thought of phoning IPSEA? The advisers on their phone line are fantastic if you can get through, and they also have good advice on their web site to deal with exclusion.

To me it sounds as if the problem is the school not understanding and supporting your son, not your son himself.

[knittedbreast]

had too? who asked him too?

[TheLadyEvenstar]

I have just been thinking about what everyone has said and as a result have spoken to my solicitor (my brother) and he has said the same that had they put the measures in place to help him then A- this wouldn't have happened B- if it had happened then it would have been dealt with easier and C it is just another example of the school failing him.

So my brother is going to call the school and deal with it, he has also told me that any further appts I am not to attend without him.

[pinkthechaffinch]

He didn't get it from home?

Are you sure about that as you have posted before about his step dad referring to you going to a 'coon club'.

[TheLadyEvenstar]

The head of learning made him write a letter. So that was all dealt with by the school.

Niminy, I will put a link to this in SN children that way I will be able to get more help.

[TheLadyEvenstar]

Pink, he said that once yes and DS1 was not here so I know it hasn't come from home. DP knows he was wrong to say that to me but as I said DS was at my mums that weekend.

[Kladdkaka]

If someone had said that to my daughter, she would have floored them. They would have been lucky to get away with a racial insult. I'm even more convinced that he's being unfairly treated now.

Now I know I'm probably not the best to advise in the situation because being an aspie myself I don't always quite understand the nuances of what is acceptable and what isn't, but if this were my child, I wouldn't be punishing her in these circumstances. I'd be fighting for her.

[TheLadyEvenstar]

Klad, Initially I punished him for the comment - I am still learning about Aspergers - DS was only diagnosed this year.

I have now returned the items I took from him and he has just asked me why. I explained to him that we have got to deal with the school as they are the ones who failed him and we need to get them to make things right.

[Kladdkaka]

How did he feel about that? How do you feel? Does it make you feel stronger?

[Kladdkaka]

By the way, my husband was a governor of our local secondary school until we moved abroad, he just said that there is no way he would have supported this suspension either. A good telling off for all 3 of them and maybe a detention for all 3 would have sufficed.

[TheLadyEvenstar]

Klad, when he asked me what made me change my mind. I asked him what he felt when he made the comment to the other child his reply was "I was having a laugh like the others" - he genuinely didn't see how it could have caused offence.

I think it makes US feel stronger to know that mummy mucks up sometimes too. I also feel guilty for not really understanding AS fully.

[sickofsocalledexperts]

A school has to make "reasonable adjustments" to your son's disability, and this can include being a little understanding when he has blurted out things without truly understanding their significance or context. I know that Aspies can "get it wrong" sometimes, not understanding that a pal can say "you old tart" to a friend, in a very jokey tone, but that it's not ok 10 mins later to call her mum a tart. Context and tone is all, and these are of course the very social things which a person with aspergers has trouble "reading".

But the racial thing seems to transcend eventhe disablity laws, so he definitely should be given consequences to racial language.

The other law though that you should bear in mind is that a disabled kid must not be "disruptive" to the education of others. So your boy has to learn what is and isn't on, or else he will be disrupting/upsetting classmates. He also has to learn to tell a teacher if being picked on, rather than lashing out and trying to deal with it himself.

I think it sounds like you are doing the right things. The only other thing I can think of is seeing CAMHS about behaviours and possibly even minimal medication? The teen years are difficult at the best of times, but with aspergers too.... you have a hard path!

[TheLadyEvenstar]

Klad, I actually believe that the head of the school is not aware of DS's dx. I also believe that although the school are aware they are not willing to admit it. The reason I think this is when he was in the first months of yr8 and there had been yet another meeting I suggested they dropped him down a group, the reply was "He is one of the most intelligent pupils we have in this house he will help get us where we want to be" so in their eyes he is their little prodigy.

[TheLadyEvenstar]

SOSCE CAMHS actually signed his case off as they felt I was coping well with the situation.

I have stressed to him that what he said is hurtful to some and is by no means funny.

I have an appt today with the social communications team (a psychologist) who is meeting firstly with me and later with DS to see what we can do to help him.

[Kladdkaka]

I think one of the big stumbling blocks for people trying to understand a child with AS is that the child can appear far more 'able' than they actually are. I was forever saying to my daughter, how can someone so clever be so stupid at the same time. I've since learnt that they can be very advance in intellectual intelligence but way behind their peers in emotional intelligence. My daughter's occupational therapist told me that generally AS kids are emotionally/socially around 2/3rds of their actual age. When you look at behaviours in this context they can be more understandable.

And don't feel guilty for not understanding AS fully. Nobody does. Anyone who tells you otherwise is lying. Experts can give you pointers and a general understanding but they will never understand your son and his AS as much as you will.

[drivemecrazy63]

Hi glad you posted, ive been in a similar position a few times with ds.
No1 i would insist that you come in for a serious chat about implimenting the stratagies and IEP (you have had a new IEP ?) withh senco if you have found they are not very helpful get someone to arrange it for you so they take it seriously someone like Parent Partnership/ snap whatever mediators you have in your area, when you have the meeting take notes so they know you mean buisness and also you will have notes on what they have said when they said it ect ect.
If ds is so unhappy are there other options, some part time HE or part school part SS or PRU part time there are other options so its worth chatting about.#
Next they should impliment some stratagies for when ds is upset ie whatsuits him best a walk in playground and fresh air, or a comfy quiet space. an that all teachers know that he may need to leave the room when stressed... perhaps this environment is not for him or its a simple class change that would help (is there particular character in the class whos upsetting him)
Lastly I think for your ds you may be handling his (true appauling at times behaviour) but maybe behaviours he cant help.
repeating words and phrases is quite common for AS/ASD dcs andso are meltdowns and stress.
Yes you do have to let him know certain behaviours are not tollerated but keep school and home separate if they or you punish him make it short sharp thrift thats over never to be mentioned again as soon as it occurs and NEVER should it run into the next day, this is tried and tested way SS deal with dc and it really works we let them dicipline him at school once home its over and we did the same when he was at MS .. maybe your ds needs more assistance than he used to or maybe the teen hormones are running amuck, this must be hard time for any ds let alone someone whos AS or ASD so take a deep breath and take each incident as a seperate entity, maybe see CAMHS if you are not under them already as their maybe underlying issues he needs help with

[TheLadyEvenstar]

DMC63 as of yet there is no IEP in place for him, by the schools admission they have tried to get him to follow the rules in place for all pupils.

One of their major issues is his fiddling/chewing. When he gets stressed he will fiddle with pens/lids/laces/buttons or chew pens/knuckles. They try to get him to stop by removing pens from his reach when he is not in need of using one, lids are not allowed to be on his desk and he has been sent out for fiddling with his laces.

Another issue is within french where the teacher expects the pupils to repeat word for word what she says when put on the spot. DS explained to me he hears her but he cannot repeat it as quick as she wants but he can read it and repeat it. I am looking at ways to assist him with this but am coming up stumped.

My problem is he has very few peers who talk to him, and if I was to get him an ipad for eg which he could use in the lessons he is struggling in then this would make him stand out more and have less people talk to him.

[OldRedEyes]

my little nephew is having his life made a misery through some little shit at school who keeps intimidating him. of course the school do sod all to exclude the boy, regardless of how the victim is suffering, so sorry i cant feel much sympathy for yours

[TheLadyEvenstar]

ORE, There were 3 children involved in making comments to eachother. Apparently it was a joke until DS made his comment.

Now while I don't agree with what he said and he has been in trouble for it the other child had called me a "Slag" and apparently that is acceptable.

As I said DS was wrong for what he said but he thought he was joking around like the others were.

[TheLadyEvenstar]

also ORE, in the past when DS has been bullied in this school they have done nothing to exclude the bully. So I do understand how you feel.


I just feel that excluding him was the wrong thing to do.

[Kladdkaka]

The fiddling in this way is called stimming and it's very, very common in AS. It's a sort of self medication stress relief thing. Trying to prevent it is like trying to push water up hill with a fork. The more you try, the more stressful it becomes, the worse the stimming gets. If he's getting in trouble for this in class, then they really don't have a clue.

Different aspies have different ways of stimming so they have to learn different ways of managing it to be un-disruptive as possible. You can buy things called fidgets which are designed to keep autistic fingers busy. eg www.nationalautismresources.com/fidget-toys.html

And fidgets for kids who need to chew eg www.nationalautismresources.com/chewy-tube-necklace.html

(Sorry it's an American website, but at least it gives you idea of what's available).

Would you believe that my daughter is allowed to knit in class while the teacher is teaching?

[Kladdkaka]

ORE, I don't think the OP is looking for sympathy. I think she is looking for helpful, constructive advice on how to deal with the issue so that everyone is fairly treated and it doesn't happen again. Your comment was mean spirited and uncalled for.