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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think you cannot ware white to a wedding

88 replies

maypole1 · 29/06/2011 13:27

right been invited to a wedding first issue is that they have asked for money which I think is extremely rude to e honest my oh wants to give £500 which is what his cousin gave to us for our wedding, I tried to point out to my oh
A- we had a wedding list
B- we didn't ask for cash
C- I felt very embarrassed
D- she was single and living with her mum so had no over heads at the time
E-we had our wedding here

On the other hand she is having her wedding abroad

We have bills we can barley pay now

And i think its really rude asking for money

The other thing is I have a White dress with pink polka dots on it that is fairly new never been worn oh wants me to were that I am trying to explain to him just like asking for money for a gift its rude to ware White to a WEDDING

Which of us is correct .

OP posts:

microfight · 29/06/2011 13:31

I wouldn't give money for a wedding but people are welcome to ask. As to you giving £500 that you don't have, well that's just bonkers. I also wouldn't wear white to a wedding either.
YANBU

SexyDomesticatedDab · 29/06/2011 13:33

Pippa did.

AgentZigzag · 29/06/2011 13:34

So you're struggling to pay bills you have now and your DP wants to give £500 to someone for their wedding (amazingly OTT IMO) and pay to go abroad for the wedding, so all the flight/accom costs and extras you have like food/car etc.

That sounds unreasonable to me.

I suppose it could be rude to turn up in a white bridal type dress to a wedding, but yours has pink on it, and you don't sound in a financial position to buy a new one.

Original poster

maypole1 · 29/06/2011 13:34

Were just going as guests. Not part of the wedding party

OP posts:

SuePurblybilt · 29/06/2011 13:34

So you'd have to pay to get to the wedding and give £500 and you can't afford it? Don't go then, send a gift or a lower amount, say £100. I still think that's madness but you obviously do give big cash gifts in your family so I can see why you'd feel bad for giving them a used fiver in a card .

I think a white polka dot dress would be OK if you upped the colour a bit with everything else. Pink cardi/shoes/bag/hat?

But if you can't afford it, don't do it. Any of it.

RoseC · 29/06/2011 13:35

I've given money (not £500!) to a couple who had been living together for several years, so had all household items, and would not have been able to afford a honeymoon otherwise (invitation said donations towards honeymoon). Usually I think asking for money outright (rather than towards something) is rude and I'm a bit squeemish about 'money towards' - I certainly wouldn't do it myself.

White dresses are definitely a no for the wedding. I've also been told not to wear the same colour as bridesmaids by my mother, but no one has ever said anything (done it twice by accident). YANBU

PissesGlitter · 29/06/2011 13:35

i think asking for money is rude, and you dont have it to give so thats just madness

also think wearing white or ivory to a wedding is rude (we had 2 guests turn up in almost the same colour as me and everyone mentioned it)

TheRhubarb · 29/06/2011 13:37

someone please drag me away

AgentZigzag · 29/06/2011 13:38

What they gave when you got married is irrelevant, it was their choice and unless they were coerced into giving you it, it was what they could afford.

If they think less of you because you can't afford to give the same back, that's also up to them.

It'd make me think less of them though, your money gift from them wasn't a loan to be repaid at their wedding.

poppyandsneeze · 29/06/2011 13:40

Asking for money is rude. If you get the money given to you as presents then thats great.

We didn't have a wedding list, so people clubbed together and gave us vouchers.

Give a voucher for a store - if you can only afford £50 give that, if not give £100 in a voucher.

They might even not use the cash for household items and might put it towards their own debts if given cash !!!

As to a white and pink dress, would be okay with lots of pink accessories. But why is your oh asking you not to buy and new dress and wear a white dotty one ?? is it because, he knows you both are skint !!! Remind him of this when he goes on about the £500 in cash wedding present.

Current climate, if you are going to a reception in another country and have to pay for that and possibly a new outfit, buy them a £100 voucher tops !!! If they aren't immediate family i.e. sister/brother etc. then they will appreciate what you can afford to give them.

Original poster

maypole1 · 29/06/2011 13:41

Its a kind of 50s dress, we will have to get flights only as we will stay at oh parents summer house I said a £70 cab home from the wedding to the summer house is still cheaper than a room for to at the hotel were their getting married.

Personally I think asking for focuses is pushing it but money and if we only give £50 which is more what I had in mind (even though I think it's a bit cheeky) we will be talked about by every one but we just don't have the same income they all do

Yes summer house (blush) his family are well of but we as a couple are not

OP posts:

childfreeatm · 29/06/2011 13:41

You shouldn't wear white, and I don't see a problem with asking for money in place of a gift if you don't need any of the usual household items etc that feature on a wedding list. You are spending money anyway if you give a gift, and surely it's better placed as money rather than an unwanted/unneeded gift?

I am marrying later this year and will be asking for money in place of a gift, to give to my local hospital who cared for my mum before she died. Problem?

£500 is far too excessive, just stick a tenner in the card or something.
It seems people have a problem with the money idea because the couple know exactly how much you gave - they still do if you give them something from a wedding list!

I struggle to see why giving money in place of a gift is a problem. If you can't afford it, just give them a card!

Debs75 · 29/06/2011 13:44

When my friend got married, in white with bridesmaids in white her other friend, who was pissed that her dd's were not bridesmaids turned up in a long white dress and with her dd's in white bridesmaids outfits from BHS.
Friend was not happy at all as the dd's were sat near the top table and loads of people asked her who the tiny bridesmaids were. She felt very outshined at her own wedding
If like another poster said you team the dress with pink shoes, cardi or bag it won't look too bad.

As for giving £500 as a gift. Ask DP if he can afford it out of his disposable income this month? I bet he can't

AgentZigzag · 29/06/2011 13:47

Does it matter if they are so gauche as to bitch about your financial position behind your backs?

It's got fuck all to do with them.

I think £50 is a very generous gift, anything more you'd perhaps only 'expect' from parents or those wanting to show off.

TheRhubarb · 29/06/2011 13:49

Ok look, wearing white is fine if it has pink polka dots. It's a nice summery colour and you won't be the only one. However just check that her bridesmaids are not wearing similar dresses.

As for money, it's fine to ask for money but not ok to expect it, especially as they are getting married abroad. People will have paid quite a lot for the trip and I'm sure there are many grumblings from other guests so I think you need to sit down with your partner and work out just how much you are spending on the wedding. Once it's all added up I'm sure he will see sense.

And I am really really sorry but it's like looking at a restaurant or cafe menu board and seeing something misspelt. You just can't take your eyes off it and have to resist the urge to correct it in chalk.

It's wear and barely not ware and barley. Sorry!

jester68 · 29/06/2011 13:49

Well my brother is getting married on saturday and no way will we be giving £500 as a gift!!!!

Not sure yet what to give as we are totally skint having had to buy for partner- new trousers, myself- a top, and our 2 girls dresses plus shoes for the eldest. We also have hair cuts booked for friday which will be about another £30

My top is a white floaty one with a big pink flower print on the front- hope that is OK???

diddl · 29/06/2011 13:57

I think white with a pattern is fine tbh-possibly unless it´s also long & floaty & accessorised with veil!

sausagesandmarmelade · 29/06/2011 14:02

Money requests for weddings will never sit right with me....even if made with those cringeworthy poems (designed to sweeten the ask).

£500 is a huge amount....
You don't have to match what people give you!

As for the dress. It's fine....it has pink dots...it's not a problem. Wear it!

White is becoming more common nowadays...and less couples seem to mind...especially when it's not the only colour being worn (as in your case).

mamalovebird · 29/06/2011 14:12

I just got married and we asked for donations towards the honeymoon which people paid to the travel agent directly. Some people gave us cash, others chose to give us a present and some gave us nothing at all other than their much appreciated presence at the day. We're in our mid 30s, met 3 years ago so have two of everything anyway & don't own a house yet so I didn't want to do a gift list. We did get a substantial amount of money from DH's parents but only because we paid for the wedding ourselves and they wanted to contribute something but I wouldn't expect that kind of money from anyone else. I would normally spend around £100 on a gift for close friends and between £30-50 for other people depending on whether it was the whole day or evening rection we were invited to.

Our photographer wife wore a white dress, 50s style prom dress and I didn't mind at all, but I appreciate other brides are more bridezilla-y than I was.

the pink polka dots on it should look fine with a few co-ordinating acceossories.

MadYoungCatLady · 29/06/2011 14:34

Personally I do not see the problem with asking for money - would you rather buy them something they dont need or want? Weddings these days are not so focused on traditional etiquette, and nor should they be.
I very much doubt the bride expects the same amount in return from you and DH. If she does she is a cow and does not deserve it. A gift is just that - a gift. Whatever quantity. If you don't want to give them money, buy them something instead - but I wouldn't not give them anything because they chose to get married abroad. I imagine they may see a gift list as seeming materialistic seeing as they have asked their guests to fork out money to attend their wedding and may see this as a less materialistic option.
Your dress does not sound like it resembles a wedding dress so I wouldn't worry about it. Unless you are after a new dress, then nooooo you can't wear it you def need a new one :o

GrimmaTheNome · 29/06/2011 14:43

Asking for money is a bit off (unless its in the way childfree is doing, which is lovely), but I suppose its sensible. Its simple - work out what sort of amount you'd have been happy to spend on a gift, and give them that much. I'm not skint at all but I've never spent anything like £500 on a gift - I've never seen anything costing that much on a wedding list. I reckon your DH is way off the mark.

White with polka dots and non-white accessories sounds lovely. Nothing wrong with that at all.

childfreeatm · 29/06/2011 14:44

I have to say if I was holding my wedding abroad I wouldn't expect any gift at all given the expense and loss of holidays from work etc. I'd just be chuffed you were there. Weddings aren't about gifts, they are people you care about coming together to witness your commitment to your partner.

My bridezilla concession is the white thing though. It bugs me. Thats in the case of a full white dress with no pattern etc.
If you are dressing it up with pink and it has pink dots etc you'll be fine.

TobyLerone · 29/06/2011 14:46

They might even not use the cash for household items and might put it towards their own debts if given cash !!!

I fail to see why this is any of your business after you've given the money. Whether they spend it on a new knife block or a bouncy castle for the garden is no concern of yours.

DesperateHousewife21 · 29/06/2011 14:51

its not rude asking for money depending how you ask for it. I asked for money for my wedding and everyone obliged and no one thougt i was being rude. Some people gave me vouchers for shops which is just as generous. I already live with my DH so i didn't need bits for a house, we only live in a flat so I didn't want it crammed with rubbish.

You don't need to give them 500 pounds if you can't afford it thoug so YANBU on that front.

BornInAfrica · 29/06/2011 14:52

Rhubarb0

It's wear and barely not ware and barley. Sorry!

Thank you for doing this before I had to and I don't see why you need to apologise, frankly. The OP is difficult to read with so many grammatical and spelling errors.

By the way - wear what you want to wear and give what you are comfortable giving. End of.

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