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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think you cannot ware white to a wedding

88 replies

maypole1 · 29/06/2011 13:27

right been invited to a wedding first issue is that they have asked for money which I think is extremely rude to e honest my oh wants to give £500 which is what his cousin gave to us for our wedding, I tried to point out to my oh
A- we had a wedding list
B- we didn't ask for cash
C- I felt very embarrassed
D- she was single and living with her mum so had no over heads at the time
E-we had our wedding here

On the other hand she is having her wedding abroad

We have bills we can barley pay now

And i think its really rude asking for money

The other thing is I have a White dress with pink polka dots on it that is fairly new never been worn oh wants me to were that I am trying to explain to him just like asking for money for a gift its rude to ware White to a WEDDING

Which of us is correct .

OP posts:

childfreeatm · 29/06/2011 16:54

Good compromise :)

TheRhubarb · 29/06/2011 17:00

We asked for money at our wedding. It is the norm now and as someone who has written about wedding etiquette I reckon I have the upper hand here

It very much depends on how it is done, but wedding bibles usually recommend a short note included in the invite which states that the couple consider guests' presence to be enough but if people insist on providing a gift then money or vouchers would be appreciated.

When we got married we were planning a 3 month backpacking honeymoon so we asked for funds to go towards this.

How exactly have they worded their request on the invite?

For a compromise how about vouchers for their local restaurant for when they return? That would give them something to look forward to and would cost considerably less than £500.

There could be a presumption that because your partner's family are well off then you must be too. It would be as well to right this misunderstanding with those closest to you so that the happy couple don't expect a huge cheque from you.

microfight · 29/06/2011 17:01

Asking for cash is like inviting someone to your wedding but asking them to pay for themselves plus a bit more maybe, it is an obvious transfer of the cold commodity cash.
A gift should be something that the guest has chosen, even if it came from a list. Cash is totally impersonal.
Your guests at your wedding should be remembered by you and apart from the day itself the gift should remind you of the person who gave it to you through your life. I can still remember who gave us certain gifts and do think of the people often when I see items around the house.

Would it seem rude to you if you were invited to a dinner party and the host said don't bring any wine or chocolates, if you're going to bring anything bring cash?? RUDE!!!

TobyLerone · 29/06/2011 17:08

Would it seem rude to you if you were invited to a dinner party and the host said don't bring any wine or chocolates, if you're going to bring anything bring cash?? RUDE!!!

Actually, no. If it were family or a friend, then I would think that would be perfect acceptable.

And I have never been to a wedding or a dinner party which wasn't hosted either by family or a friend.

TheRhubarb · 29/06/2011 17:13

A wedding is completely different. Would you sit down at a dinner party and expect a favour at your table?

Weddings cost money and per head it can mount up to around £150. Therefore a gift from the guest is a token of luck to the bride and groom and appreciation at being invited to share in their special day.

The more traditional gifts have gone out of fashion since more and more couples are living together before getting married, which is why monetary gifts are now seen as acceptable and a politely worded note asking for such is not against wedding etiquette.

microfight · 29/06/2011 17:32

I am surprised that you would think it acceptable, I have to say I wouldn't. If I was asked to a dinner party I would be happy to contribute with a dish of food if that was the type of party or bring something as a gesture but I would be quite surprised if someone politely suggested I give them some cash! I am not talking an 'all into tesco to buy BBQ food and split the cost party' I am talking a proper invite to a dinner party. Just like a wedding it would be rude.

microfight · 29/06/2011 17:34

I have to say I have been to a wedding where the couple were totally broke and asked people to bring a dish, this was a lovely way to share in the day and much nicer than asking for cash!

oohlaalaa · 29/06/2011 17:38

If it has pink polka dots it's okay.

Re the money. Awkward. If my cousin gave us £500, I'd want to give the same back. I understand your pov, if you don't have it though.

Sarsaparilllla · 29/06/2011 17:40

A gift should be something that the guest has chosen, even if it came from a list. Cash is totally impersonal.

If it comes from a list there's no difference in whether you give them the money and they buy it themselves or you buy them the gift, I don't see why so many people seem to see gift lists as fine but money as not

My friends got married and asked for money because they wanted to buy a new sofa, they couldn't exactly put '1 sofa' on a wedding list could they, because it's too much for anyone to get alone?

I think some people get confused between people stating a choice that if anyone would like to get them a gift, money/vouchers would be their choice, it's not asking for money, it's giving people a direction if they choose to give something

microfight · 29/06/2011 17:46

Sarsaparilla

It is very different, I have selected things from lists because there was a point of comedy between us from the specific item. I was also given things from our list for similar reasons. I have been remembered and remembered others for the choice they made for a gift albeit from a list. Cash is just not the same.
I also don't think it makes any odds how beautifully worded it is or how you say we just want your presence etc. If you mention cash on an invite it's just awful!

Sarsaparilllla · 29/06/2011 18:23

Well I've never even been to a wedding where there's been a list, I think they're totally out of fashion, nobody I know has had one

It's all very well saying it's more personal having a list but it's still a shopping list of stuff that the couple wants, it's still asking for a gift

If people think it's really so awful they shouldn't mention presents at all and ask people to give a donation to charity instead

DesperateHousewife21 · 29/06/2011 19:27

Thank you sarsaparilllla you said exactly what I was going to say.

Its not rude asking for money, what do you think they buy your gifts with then? Potatos?

You cant be all high and mighty when you were given money and vouchers too, just because you didnt ask for them. You accepted them so I could say you're being just as 'rude'.

OOAOML · 29/06/2011 20:11

Well, there's always the fairly traditional path we took of no mention of presents in the invitations, and if anyone asked us (or either set of parents) we had a list of thoughts about things we would like (non brand specific such as white sheets). We got a mix of household goods, money and vouchers. I still think of the people who gave us the gifts when we use them (eg my friend who bought the potato masher).

Surely the people you invite to your wedding know you or your family well enough to know what you like/need/already have? Or well enough to ask (at which point I think it is acceptable to express a preference)?

microfight · 29/06/2011 21:44

desperatehousewife21

Of course gifts are bought with money but the gift normally doesn't say "I cost £X"
Black and white pounds and pence as a gift is just wrong on so many levels. It shows exactly a number that someone has spent on you rather than a gift of thought.
Even if the bride and groom honestly don't look or care, the giver is acutely aware of the pounds they have spent. It puts pressure on people unnecessarily and the fact that the OP has posted about the £500 dilema proves the sort of measured gift causes problem.

diddl · 30/06/2011 08:09

Just because it has become "the norm" to ask for cash, I don´t think that iz makes it any less rude tbh.

diddl · 30/06/2011 08:11

"it", not "iz"

(In my defence, I have a "qwertz" not a "qwerty" keyboard)

DesperateHousewife21 · 30/06/2011 08:58

micro- if the gift was bought from a gift list then the bride and groom will know exactly what the present cost because they put the list together.

I agree with the £500 dilemma, I personally would not give that amount either, I wouldnt even buy a gift that cost that amount. I think it is very excessive and cant see why anyone would expect £500 from someone.

sausagesandmarmelade · 30/06/2011 09:33

If people think it's really so awful they shouldn't mention presents at all and ask people to give a donation to charity instead

Why ask guests to give to charity? Let them do what the hell they want to do with their money...

The ASKING is what it's about....it's rude, very bad mannered...however it's done.

If people have everything they need...then they don't need money!

We didn't ask for anything (as I said earlier) but people gave us money, vouchers and some lovely gifts which were all very gratefully received (because that is also good manners....to be grateful for whatever people give you).

I have no problem giving money/vouchers/gifts but would rather give of my free will rather than have it dictated what I should give....which implies that the couple would be un-grateful for anything other than what they have asked for.

microfight · 30/06/2011 09:33

desperate21
I know what you are saying that the bride and groom put the list together and I suppose some mercenary types might go back and check the exact amounts that the presents cost but they don't necessarily know the exact amount. Those who ask for cash will know whether they want to or not because the gift of money is just a number.
We won't agree on this one but I personally think it crass, mercenary and wrong to ask for money in life unless it's owed to you through lending or earned.

microfight · 30/06/2011 09:35

totally agree sausageandmarmalade

FlangelinaBallerina · 30/06/2011 09:42

There are lots of cultures where people just give money. Sometimes it's assumed. The good thing about cash or vouchers is that it's so easy. I'd much rather just do that rather than spend loads of time shopping for a present- lots of people hate shopping after all. Frankly, there's an argument that making things easier for your guests is more polite than expecting them to put time and energy into picking a present. I certainly appreciate anyone who's spared me from having to do this. Others like choosing presents, and are insulted by the suggestion that a person would rather have the cash to do the choosing themself. I can understand both views.

But £500 seems a lot of money, unless you're very well off. OP doesn't sound like she is.

sausagesandmarmelade · 30/06/2011 09:42

Thanks Micro!

pookamoo · 30/06/2011 09:45

£500 is nearly half of the cost of our whole wedding!

HeidiKat · 30/06/2011 11:26

In my experience people tend to take the piss when writing a wedding list anyway, I was at a wedding last year where there were things on the list relating to the couple's hobbies rather than household items, and even a nintendo wii which I think a few people clubbed together to get for them. I don't really see a difference between getting people non essential luxury items from a wedding list or giving them cash to buy themselves luxuries such as a honeymoon.

childfreeatm · 30/06/2011 12:34

For all those who wouldn't give cash to a couple who had all their household items already, and so would refuse to give anything at all, or give the couple something they already have, what's the point? Isn't that rude?

To ignore somebody's wishes because you don't agree with them? You intended to give them something as a good luck token but they ask for cash in place of gifts you get all spiteful and declare it rude?

Nobody has given an explanation of why it's rude, you just keep saying it is.

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