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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think you cannot ware white to a wedding

88 replies

maypole1 · 29/06/2011 13:27

right been invited to a wedding first issue is that they have asked for money which I think is extremely rude to e honest my oh wants to give £500 which is what his cousin gave to us for our wedding, I tried to point out to my oh
A- we had a wedding list
B- we didn't ask for cash
C- I felt very embarrassed
D- she was single and living with her mum so had no over heads at the time
E-we had our wedding here

On the other hand she is having her wedding abroad

We have bills we can barley pay now

And i think its really rude asking for money

The other thing is I have a White dress with pink polka dots on it that is fairly new never been worn oh wants me to were that I am trying to explain to him just like asking for money for a gift its rude to ware White to a WEDDING

Which of us is correct .

OP posts:

redexpat · 29/06/2011 14:54

I don't know why asking for money is relevant to the question of wearing white to a wedding. As long as you dont look like a bride it's fine so accessorize. If you're not sure why dont you just ask the bride?

It really isn't considered rude to be asking for money these days. Most people live together before they get married and dont need anymore toasters. It's also not rude to send a list. Far more rude to ignore the wishes of the couple and do what YOU think is 'correct'. It's their day. If they want money give them what you can afford. Don't beat yourself up about it.

tazmin · 29/06/2011 14:56

if i wanted to wear white i would

i would never give £50 for a pressie

a) i would never give money
b) if i did (which i wouldnt, whats wrong with a toaster from argos) it would be about £20 max

mum23girlys · 29/06/2011 14:57

Personally I think your white/pink polka dot dress sounds lovely and will be perfect for the day especially with some nice coordinated accessories.

£500 way ott!! I remember my cousin and his wife gave us £50 and I was mortified. Felt it was far to much (6yrs ago). They made excuses not to come to wedding but I found out later it was because he was being paid off and couldn't afford it. Would really have prefered to have them at our day than for them to give us so much. Was really sad when I found out. If you're having to stretch your budget to attend the wedding then please don't put yourself under even more pressure by giving more than you can afford as a gift.

TobyLerone · 29/06/2011 14:57

I would never presume that I knew better than the bride and groom what they needed/wanted as presents

AgentZigzag · 29/06/2011 14:58

It must be difficult for you to be amongst so many imperfect plebs BornInAfrica.

meditrina · 29/06/2011 15:00

Give what you can afford, and feel good about doing. If not cash, then something else you think they'd appreciate.

You are right about not wearing white to a wedding (unless the bride OKs it, but even then it might raise eyebrows on guests other than the immediate attendants). Whether this dress is suitable depends on how spotty it is - does it look white from a distance? If it's defintely spotty, and you can add colour (shrug, little jacket or wrap, bag, shoes, hat) then it might be OK.

ChunkyChick · 29/06/2011 15:01

Could you wear your pink polka dot dress with a light pink shrug or something, to de-emphasise the white?

sausagesandmarmelade · 29/06/2011 15:08

its not rude asking for money depending how you ask for it. I asked for money for my wedding and everyone obliged and no one thougt i was being rude. Some people gave me vouchers for shops which is just as generous. I already live with my DH so i didn't need bits for a house, we only live in a flat so I didn't want it crammed with rubbish.

Sorry....but asking for money is the height of rudeness.

How do you know that no-one thought you were being rude?

You say you didn't want your house crammed with rubbish

How ungrateful....

We didn't ask for a thing when we got married. We didn't want people opening up their invites and then seeing a request for a gift...so we left it.
As it goes....everyone (without exception) gave us something. Mostly money and vouchers....but also some beautiful gifts which were very much appreciated. I think people respected the fact that we didn't ask for anything....it made a refreshing change!

HeidiKat · 29/06/2011 15:29

They might even not use the cash for household items and might put it towards their own debts if given cash !!!

I don't see a problem with this either, if the couple in question don't need household items and you are giving money as a gift then what's the problem with it being used to clear debts and give them a good start to married life. A gift should be given graciously or not at all, it's not up to the giver to dictate how and when it will be used.

Sarsaparilllla · 29/06/2011 15:45

Sorry....but asking for money is the height of rudeness

But getting the money and vouchers you didn't ask for is fine?
What would've been the difference if you'd just said it, it just makes life easier for the guests imo.

What's the difference, you're either going to spend the money, or not, nobody forces anyone to buy them a wedding gift at all, it's just a guideline that if you do want to give them something you don't end up getting them something they don't want

e.g. we asked for no engagement gifts, we ended up with 3 sets of champagne glasses, not being ungrateful but they're never going to get used, I'm sure when we got married if we didn't give some kind of guidance the same thing would happen!

Sarsaparilllla · 29/06/2011 15:47

I think people respected the fact that we didn't ask for anything....it made a refreshing change!

I'd find it quite irritating actually because if I did want to get something I'd worry I was getting the wrong thing, I'd rather people just had a list/asked for money/vouchers etc makes no difference, my budget for the gift would be the same anyway

childfreeatm · 29/06/2011 16:02

Tamzin "if i wanted to wear white i would

i would never give £50 for a pressie

a) i would never give money
b) if i did (which i wouldnt, whats wrong with a toaster from argos) it would be about £20 max"

Nowt, but what use is it if you already had one? £20 is more than generous, why not give that seeing as you are spending anyway

Nobody has given a proper reason why they won't give cash but will happily get something from a list - if you are uncomfortable with the couple knowing how much you give them they will anyway if you are shopping from a list they've prepared so it makes no sense.

diddl · 29/06/2011 16:12

The idea of a wedding gift is to set people up in their home, isn´t it?

If people have everything then tbh I don´t want to give money that they can spend on the wedding itself/honeymoon/debts.

I´d rather give the money to a good cause.

hellospoon · 29/06/2011 16:28

Oh for fuck sake ware? Seriously are that thick? Wear. Good lord this place is getting worse.

TheRhubarb · 29/06/2011 16:31

"Seriously are that thick?"

When correcting bad spelling and grammar it is usually a good idea to be able to construct readable sentences of your own

childfreeatm · 29/06/2011 16:33

*The idea of a wedding gift is to set people up in their home, isn´t it?

If people have everything then tbh I don´t want to give money that they can spend on the wedding itself/honeymoon/debts.

I´d rather give the money to a good cause.*

My view on giving a wedding gift to someone is that I love that person and am very pleased for them and want to show it by giving them a gift, whether it be money or from a wedding list, to wish them well on their new step in life.

If that's your reasoning then give a donation to a good cause in their name and present them with a card saying that's what you've done!

hellospoon · 29/06/2011 16:39

You got me rhubarb, however I missed a word due to fast fingers.

hellospoon · 29/06/2011 16:39

You got me rhubarb, however I missed a word due to fast fingers.

AgentZigzag · 29/06/2011 16:40

Arf at Rhubarb0

I much prefer the nice way you pointed out the OPs grammar and spelling Rhubarb than the other two posters trying to put her down for it.

There's just no need.

If I'm not sure where to put those pesky apostrophes I just leave them out.

I'd be right miffed if someone implied I was thick as shit for not being anal enough to google it (especially if I was in a hurry to point out how unreasonable a poster was being )

notso · 29/06/2011 16:41

If you can barely pay the bills then perhaps you should not go to the wedding at all and save the money.
You can wear white to a wedding as long as it's not a wedding dress it's fine.

microfight · 29/06/2011 16:42

I agree that asking for money is the height of rudeness. I don't think just because you are set up for kitchen goods is a good enough reason to ask for money.

For those of you who asked for money and think that no-one thought you were rude, you are probably mistaken.

diddl · 29/06/2011 16:44

Well, I´ve never been to a wedding where the couple have everything & want money.

I suppose I feel that it´s the entitlement that I don´t like.

We´ve got everything for the home, so we´ll have your money!

childfreeatm · 29/06/2011 16:46

I agree that asking for money is the height of rudeness. I don't think just because you are set up for kitchen goods is a good enough reason to ask for money.
For those of you who asked for money and think that no-one thought you were rude, you are probably mistaken.

You aren't explaining why though - as far as I understand it, the option for money is given if you want to give a gift of some kind. There is usually a message that says something along the lines of "your presence is enough so we're not bothered about a present, however if you want to give a gift we have everything for the home can we have money please instead etc."

Original poster

maypole1 · 29/06/2011 16:51

well to those who were being rude about my spelling

and to those other kind ladies thank you for your help it seems its a split on weather to give money i might go half way a give vouchers

OP posts:

aldiwhore · 29/06/2011 16:53

We've been asked for money too and though its something we didn't do I have no problem in sticking £30 in an envelope for them. We had a list and some people didn't like that (we had it for relatives who wanted to club together to a 'set' of something) and we didn't mind if they gave us a gift that wasn't on the list, or gave us cash, or gave nothing at all.

We live 300 miles from our friends and its costing us a lot to go to their wedding, considering its in school holidays in a holiday area, we're taking our annual holiday at that point now, something we wouldn't usually do, just so we can be there for their day, so £30 imo is a perfectly acceptable amount of cash to give.... knowing my friend, she'd be happy just to see us whether we could give cash or not.

Yes you can wear white, but I'd avoid a white maxi dress with a veil. White with polka dots sounds lovely to me, and I was Bridezilla!!!! Unless of course, she'll be wearing a white polka dot dress.

YABU, or rather, you're projecting YOUR standards onto her wedding, and YOUR standards onto your DH. That's NU! But it doesn't make you right. If you want a new dress, tell your DH to give half of what he wants to (considering they're marrying abroad, your finanacial situation etc) and if he can afford the other half to buy you a dress you'll be happy to wear.

Lots of people wore white to my wedding and didn't look like the bride, and with hindsight I could have looked a complete mess, all eyes would have been on me anyway because that's what people DO at weddings (unless laughing at the person who is clearly trying to upstage the bride and only succeeding for the wrong reasons).

Sorry for the long post, but although I wouldn't ask for money, with the amount of weddings I've been to this year I'm starting to think its the least wasteful option and not as rude as my social conditioning seemed to think.

Have a lovely day.

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