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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'real' parents.

87 replies

thesilentsinger · 27/06/2011 22:18

Why do people so often refer to the absent father as his 'real' dad? Surely the 'real' dad/mum is the person who is there, the person who supports, the person who is on the holiday photos, the person who cleans up sick and helps with homework. It really annoys me.

I get that when there is a biological parent still on the scene, it's different but if it looks like a Dad and it smells like a Dad, it's a Dad. (or mum as the case may be).

Bit of background - I am married with 2DCs. My eldest is not my DH's biological child. His 'father' ended our relationship after starting another when I was 8 months pregnant. (Nice!). Other than a couple of phone calls in the week following his birth, we've had no contact whatsoever with him. He didn't respond to my early efforts to maintain contact and then being a single parent and homeless was somewhat more pressing.

Anyway, now my life is great. I have been with DH since DS was 13 months old. He is Dad. My DS knows about his father and refers to him by his first name if he ever mentions/asks about him. But DH is his Dad.

OP posts:
AllDirections · 27/06/2011 22:20

YANBU, there are the biological ones and there are the real ones (parents that is).

HidinginaHardHat · 27/06/2011 22:21

It's a lazy way of saying biological parent.

DP is the DC's dad the ex is the DC's sperm donor and occasional lookerafter. One is dad the other is the father. Nothing to get tetchy about it's just a matter of semantics.

As long as you know the difference whats the problem?

AuntiePickleBottom · 27/06/2011 22:21

i like the phaze sperm doner.

however i think it's better to call them the bio parents rather than real

xstitch · 27/06/2011 22:21

I agree with you but everyone's definition of real parent is different.

I am apparently not dd's real mother but that is another story.

I refer to biological father, real father/dad is the one who is there for the child.

MummyTigger · 27/06/2011 22:24

I agree - people put far too much stock in biology. In my opinion the person who was there for you is the true father. In my case - my stepdad, who's been there every single time my "real" dad has let me down. And even then, my "real" dad, isn't even my "real real" dad, if you see what I mean.

To me, my stepdad is my father, and he'll be the one bouncing his grandson on his knee, and he'll be the one giving me away at my wedding in a few years time :)

flossymuldoon · 27/06/2011 22:25

We have an adopted son. We are his 'real' parents as we will be there for him always. We refer to his biological parents as 'birth' parents.

Original poster
thesilentsinger · 27/06/2011 22:25

Well Hiding there it isn't really a problem but it irritates me!

I like the phrase sperm donor too.

I suppose it just diminishes the role of the Dad when the absent waste of space gets referred to as the 'real' parent.

OP posts:
itsastrawpoll · 27/06/2011 22:28

YANBU.

Slightly different, but my SIL was adopted at birth and has no contact with her biological parents.

PIL refer to her father (the man who adopted her, and is now dead) as "the person who she calls her dad Shock)

hiddenhome · 27/06/2011 22:32

Yeah, my ds1 has a 'real dad' Hmm

He moved 200 miles away when ds1 was 2 years old.

He dragged me into court to claim all his rights.

He doesn't pay a penny in child support and I've only ever had 4 years of child support in ds1's entire 12 years.

He slags me and dh off and tries to turn ds1 against us.

He drops visits when it doesn't suit him to have ds1 - doesn't even ask me if it's okay to do this Hmm

Doesn't send ds1 a penny in pocket money, doesn't even send him a comic or packet of lousy sweets. Can't even get his birthday card to him on the day of his actual birthday - it's normally about 4 days late Hmm

He's a bloody nuisance Angry

HidinginaHardHat · 27/06/2011 22:33

Psst silentsinger Psychoville is immense :o

strandedbear · 27/06/2011 22:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Truckrelented · 27/06/2011 22:40

When does a Dad not become a real Dad then?

If he gets the standard every-other-weekend access and his ex's new DP sees their children 12 nights out of 14 does he become more of a real Dad?

And if there are sperm donors, if the mother doesn't have residency is she an ovum and out?

LaurieFairyCake · 27/06/2011 22:41

Yep dd has a mum and dad. We are just her carers.

Her dad hasn't seen her for years and her mums had the majority of the children taken by the local authority.

She's lived with us longer than anyone and that's 'real' enough thanks - I don't need a 'mum' title. Smile

Rockerchic · 27/06/2011 23:14

My real dad is the one that brought me up since I was 5 he's the ones the cuddled me and loved me and supported me, he's my real dad. The other man is just a biological thing, ive no attachment,no love, no feelings.
My dad is the only parent I have now and I love him with all my heart :)
I'm so grateful hes in my life and made my moms life to special.

Lonnie · 27/06/2011 23:21

hm.m.m. I can see both sides to this one,..................... my biological father is my real dad he didnt bring me up my stepfather did but no doesnt make him my dad it makes him my stepfather My dad is my dad to quote op he looks and smells and feels like my dad and just because he wasnt there day to day doesntnegate that he is my dad (parents divorced when i was 5)

my gf whose partner f offed with someone else and has seen his dd twice (she is13) well her dd's real dad is her step father again looks smells and feels like a dad

different situations have different meassures

reelingintheyears · 27/06/2011 23:28

I'm adopted....at six weeks....

My Mum is my Mum.....my 'real' Mum is my Mum....

You know,the Mum who brought me up.

The other one is my 'Birth' Mother ......who wasn't in a position to bring me up.

reelingintheyears · 27/06/2011 23:29

Rockerchic....Smile...yes.

TheSecondComing · 27/06/2011 23:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

reelingintheyears · 27/06/2011 23:35

Truckrelented i do see your point.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 27/06/2011 23:36

I have just lost my dad. I was adopted as a baby and have never traced my bioparents, my dad is the man who took me to school and told me jokes and would drop everything to come and fetch me if I was in trouble, and was interested in everything I did. That was my dad. Biology is irrelevant.

millie30 · 27/06/2011 23:37

I call my stepmum 'mum' as she raised me and is a great mum. I refer to my natural mother as my 'real mum' but this is because she died when I was little and didn't chose to leave me. In my case saying 'biological mother' would seem a bit too clinical.

AmberLeaf · 27/06/2011 23:38

strandedbear I think IIRC that people said that to you because your circumstances were that your DDs 'bio' dad had not actually had the opportunity to be the 'real' dad. So i think many felt the term 'bio' dad was unfair, What posters are saying here confirms that. [ie the dad that is there day to day is the 'real' one]

Rockerchic · 27/06/2011 23:38

I think this is a hard one and some class "biological" one as a mother and father even though they've done bugger all in your upbringing or life.
Others class like myself the one that actually brought you up as your real mother and father.

Rockerchic · 27/06/2011 23:39

Sorry to hear about your dad springchicken

AmberLeaf · 27/06/2011 23:39

TheSecondcoming I agree re sperm donor.

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