'real' parents.

[thesilentsinger]

Why do people so often refer to the absent father as his 'real' dad? Surely the 'real' dad/mum is the person who is there, the person who supports, the person who is on the holiday photos, the person who cleans up sick and helps with homework. It really annoys me.

I get that when there is a biological parent still on the scene, it's different but if it looks like a Dad and it smells like a Dad, it's a Dad. (or mum as the case may be).

Bit of background - I am married with 2DCs. My eldest is not my DH's biological child. His 'father' ended our relationship after starting another when I was 8 months pregnant. (Nice!). Other than a couple of phone calls in the week following his birth, we've had no contact whatsoever with him. He didn't respond to my early efforts to maintain contact and then being a single parent and homeless was somewhat more pressing.

Anyway, now my life is great. I have been with DH since DS was 13 months old. He is Dad. My DS knows about his father and refers to him by his first name if he ever mentions/asks about him. But DH is his Dad.

It's a step father and I think the word step is very important (and if you're not married but just living together it's a kind of step father I suppose) . Now it may well be the father does very little (and mothers run off too sometimes) but that doesn't m,ean that person isn't the father. My children's father hasn't seen some of them for years but he's still their father. Also there is no reason chidlren cannot have relationships with the genetic father's parents and relatives and uncles. Just because the genetic father is useless doesn't mean his parents have to suffer and with skype and email etc it would be a great thing and very magnaimous thing to do to ensure the child can build relationships with all those relatives even if the sillly father has run off.

Well I would be quite happy to be magnanimous and ensure that DS had relationships with his extended family members from his Father's family. But unfortunately, none of them are interested.

Not my choice, not my fault, absolutely nothing I can do about it. I tried to keep in touch and it was made quite clear that my efforts were not welcome.

Skype didn't exist (AFAIK!) 12 years ago, we didn't have internet access/email either so that was never done. If my DS wants to get in touch with his Father when he is older (he has no interest now) I will support and enable that any way I can. I would be quite happy for them to have a positive relationship - no bitterness here!

I've never denied that DS's Father is his Father, but he's not his Dad in any sense!

DH is legally his step-parent, but is absolutely his real Dad.

On a lighter point, I love this statement above "It's a matter of English and most of us want accurate Engilsh"

I don't agree Xenia - accurate English couldn't be further from the most important thing in these situations IMVHO. The most important thing is how the particuipants feel.

In your situation, from what I remember of your previous posts, your ex-husband was a present father for a reasonable length of time of your childrens lives and lived with them (presuambly) whilst you were married. This was also the case with my father and any subsequent father would very definitely have felt like a step-father to me, no matter how well I got on with him because I had learnt who my "Dad" was from an early age and that wasn't going to be unlearnt when my Dad did a runner.

But where you are talking about a parent who has never had a significant presence in their childs lives, has rarely (if ever) met them, has never lived with them and never attended a single mportant function with them but another person has then I don;t think you can presume to say that person is not a "real" paretn - particularly if you do not have a comparable experience.

I firmly believe as I said above that the only person ruly entitled to decide who are their real parents are the children.

FWIW I don't consider myself to be any more a real parent than DS's birth mother - my role in his life has been differnent but it does not invalidate the part she had to play in making him the person that he is.

"Real" is not a particurly helpful term when someone has more than one set of parents because its so subjective - if you want "accurate English" tehn I'll stick with the "biological parent" even if its sounds clinical because its accurate.

I also have a perfectly normal relationship with my fathers side of the family so I'm not quite sure how thats relevant.

Your sentiments are 100% understandable, and I empathise, but I have to say YABU. You know that 'real' in this instance is merely another word for 'biological' and that people are not stupid enough to think that a 'real' parent is necessarily the best parent. You are being a bit chippy.

My dc are also adopted. I believe that my children have two sets of real parents - their birth parents and us. We are just the ones lucky enough to be able to raise them. In the OPs situation I understand exactly why she sees her DH as the real dad.

I feel quite strongly about it. It is very common for mothers to deny all contact with fathers and seek to air brush the father out of their lives bring some new man in and make the chidlren call him dad or daddy. I think that's very wrong and even if the father has chosen to disappear that man is not the father. He's a step father and although they may all love each other as parent and child because he's been there from birth etc unless he adopts he is a step not a father.

that may be how you feel Xenia - it isn't how everyone feels. There are adult children on this thread who don't feel that way - are they not allowed to feel that the only father they have ever known must be considered their "step" father and a person they've never met must be their "real" father?

Why is your way the right way?

btw I am not suggesting for a moment that one parent deliberately excluding another from the life of their child is right.

OP - have you and your DH considered that he adopt your son?

Yes Patsy we did. We enquired about it a few years ago. The social worker we spoke to said that we'd need to get the biological father's permission before we removed DS from his family. And if we couldn't contact him then we'd need to be able to prove we'd done everything in our power to do so.

They asked why DH wanted to adopt and he said that it was because we were a family etc. The SW patronising said "yes, dear, but DS already has a family".

I can see why this safeguard is necessary - to prevent the situation Xenia is talking about excluding the Father completely, because once an adoption is completed then a child's automatic rights to the biological family are lost as well as the father's but there doesn't seem to be much common sense involved!

I know we could try and contact him but, tbh, it doesn't really feel necessary. We know we're a family, we all have the same name. It's not really an issue on a day to day basis. Just annoys when outsiders make the comments and especially in front of DS.

It's just a matter of respect, isn't it? To everyone involved, but most of all to the children.

I barely knew who my father was growing up - I know him better now - and I very much think of him as a father rather than a dad. But i do try to remember to call him Dad to his face because I know it means a lot to him and I can afford to be generous (not saying anyone else should do this, by the way).

My dd1 was conceived with a sperm donor, but I wouldn't use the term as he is a (non-resident) parent to her: his name is Dad.

dd2 is adopted, and I will refer to her birth father unless she prefers another term. It would feel odd to call him 'Dad' but if she wants to call him that it's up to her. I certainly won't call her birth mother her 'real' mother because that's what I am!

I disagree with Xenia: it is not the English language here, but being respectful and responsive in our use of language to communicate what family relationships are about. I have no biological connection to half my nephews and nieces, but I would never qualify my description of that relationship because it would sound to them as if I was distancing.

Hester, your post shows just how much this matter isn't black and white! And I agree, you are completely the real mother.

I refer to my DH's nephews/neices as "my nephews/neices" and there is no biological connection there either.

FWIW, Xenia It is very common for mothers to deny all contact with fathers and seek to air brush the father out of their lives bring some new man in and make the chidlren call him dad or daddy. I agree with this, and have seen it happen and seen the distress it can cause.

However, I have denied no one contact and I haven't airbrushed anyone out. My DS has possession of things his Father gave to me and a photo of him. He is talked about, but he deserves to know that he is loved by someone (my DH, his dad) and he deserves to have a dad, and he deserves to be able to answer questions like "what does your dad do?" without feeling he has to qualify the difference between his Father and his Dad.

They are 2 different people. That's all.