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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'real' parents.

87 replies

thesilentsinger · 27/06/2011 22:18

Why do people so often refer to the absent father as his 'real' dad? Surely the 'real' dad/mum is the person who is there, the person who supports, the person who is on the holiday photos, the person who cleans up sick and helps with homework. It really annoys me.

I get that when there is a biological parent still on the scene, it's different but if it looks like a Dad and it smells like a Dad, it's a Dad. (or mum as the case may be).

Bit of background - I am married with 2DCs. My eldest is not my DH's biological child. His 'father' ended our relationship after starting another when I was 8 months pregnant. (Nice!). Other than a couple of phone calls in the week following his birth, we've had no contact whatsoever with him. He didn't respond to my early efforts to maintain contact and then being a single parent and homeless was somewhat more pressing.

Anyway, now my life is great. I have been with DH since DS was 13 months old. He is Dad. My DS knows about his father and refers to him by his first name if he ever mentions/asks about him. But DH is his Dad.

OP posts:
reelingintheyears · 27/06/2011 23:42

SGB....i've seen you on adoption stuff before and you sound like you think like me....

Sorry to hear you've lost your Dad.

nadia77 · 27/06/2011 23:48

thesecondcoming why would you feel sorry for the kid i had bf got me pregnant found out i was pregnant didnt want to know and yes i classify him as sperm doner! my kid grew up in happy household had everything and more went to private school and holiday abroad oh and i did this on my own! i dont feel sorry for the kid i worked studied and looked aftered dc and i was only 20 then! you shouldnt feel sorry for the kid they are sometimes better off then being in 2 parent family

Kewcumber · 27/06/2011 23:56

So sorry about your Dad SGB.

"real" as others have pointed out is subjective - when applied by outsiders its just a clumsy way of saying birth or biological. People generally don;t think about the opposites ie if X is the "real" Dad then what is Y? Unreal? Imaginary?

Its why adopters generally prefer the "birth or bio" tag rather than "natural" as the implication is that not being natural the adoptive paretns must be the unnatural ones!

But don't stress about it - most people are using it as a throw away term and arent really thinking that deeply about it. Just practice a line to be used repetitively when necessary along the lines of "well DP is about as real as it gets - which bit of him don;t you think is real?"

Kewcumber · 27/06/2011 23:59

nadia I don;t think tsc was feeling sorry for your child being raised in a single parent family but sorry for any child who hears 50% of their genetic make-up refered to as "the sperm donor".

Most adoptive paretns I know go out of their way to avoid being disparaging of their childs birth paretns and beleive me most of them have done things a lot worse than disappear. They do it becasue its not good for a child to hear their genes dismissed so scathingly.

TheSecondComing · 28/06/2011 00:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

reelingintheyears · 28/06/2011 00:02

imo...real is better than birth/bio....Smile

Truckrelented · 28/06/2011 00:08

I feel a tiny bit sorry for these 'real' dads as they can't realise all the pleasure in being a Dad they've missed out on.

Their loss I suppose, I just can't understand it, it would have devastated me to have someone else be called dad instead of me. (and fulfill the role)

reelingintheyears · 28/06/2011 00:11

I know a Dad who has been denied that role deliberately....
It breaks his heart.

ohnoherewego · 28/06/2011 08:06

Yanbu. I find the term "real " when it means birth parents deeply offensive. I have 2 sisters who were adopted into our family as babies before I was born. 40 plus years later some people think it's ok to say they are not my "real" sisters; well they're not bloody plasticine are they?
When I was pregnant with my mum's 6th grandchild her aunt actually said " How lovely;your first "real" grandchild" WTF!
As a previous poster said people place too much emphasis on biology. It's the last area where people think it's ok to be non p.c. If you were adopted at birth and have had no contact since then the people who conceived you are your birth parents and not your "real" parents.

lesley33 · 28/06/2011 08:18

YAB a bit unreasonable. I understand that parents who bring up a child, whether they gave birth to the child or not, are abolutely key people for the child. I also understand that these parents might feel unhappy at the child's biological parents being referred to as the real parents.

But for many many children it does seem to matter that they know who their real parents are and they will often refer to them as this. You only have to look at all the adults conceived by sperm donors who say they want to know who their real fathers are.

Not having been in this situation as a child myself my natural reaction would be to say that men who did nothing more than be paid to have a wa.. shouldn't be at all important to the child. But the evidence of many adults conceived this way contradicts this view.

Biological parents, even when they have never met their child or have been very very poor parents do seem to matter to many - although not all - children.

TitsalinaBumSquash · 28/06/2011 08:27

My 'real' Dad is my stepfather who has looked after me and my sisters since I was 4.
He was there when my Mum died, he gives advice, patience, care and attention.
He is proud of us, he is scared for us he goes through every step of our lives with us ready to step in for anything we need whenever we need it.

I wouldn't recognise my biological father out of a line up and tbh I don't care. IMO he missed out and the man that raised us gained a relationship with his 3 lovely daughters.

lesley33 · 28/06/2011 08:31

Titsaline - I totally understand why you feel the way you do and I think it is perfectly reasonable. However, to many adults, their biological parents do matter to them - even if they have never met them or they have been poor or absent parents. And some of these adults refer to their biological parent as their real parent.

allnewtaketwo · 28/06/2011 08:35

those of you who like the phraise 'sperm donor' - are you equally fond of the phrase 'egg donor' for women who are crap mothers/neglect their children?

nadia - "bf got me pregnant". Did he rape you or did you have consenting sex as an adult? If the later, then how is he a sperm donor when you chose to have sex with him, knowing that act may result in a child. You, in doing so, were accepting that he may be the future father to your child

lesley33 · 28/06/2011 08:41

I agree with you allnew. BTW when I referred to sperm donors, I did mean actual sperm donors who are paid by the NHS for this.

knittedbreast · 28/06/2011 09:05

its not a lazy way of saying biological dad-that just sounds to sciency and a relationship to a parent isnt just science its a bond or connection

confuddledDOTcom · 28/06/2011 09:06

My mum gave her dad a mug that says "anyone can be a father but it takes someone special to be a dad" growing up that's how we were taught to see it, father and mother are acts anyone can do but dad and mum is a continuing act, not necessarily of the father and mother but it's the hardest part.

I have a cousin who is not my uncle's biological child but he brought her up as his own. My brother has two children he's bringing up as his own. My aunt was cuddling my brother's first biological child when he was a baby and asked Mum what it was like to have her first grandchild. Mum said he was her third and my aunt said "yes, but it's not the same is it?" I think Mum resisted asking if that applied to her daughter too - not to mention Mum being adopted herself!

CareyFakes · 28/06/2011 09:14

I hate the phrase 'sperm donor' it is insulting and I can't see that being a responsible phrase to be used in front of said child.

My DD has no 'Dad' she has a 'father' whom has nothing to do with her, and never will. If I meet someone, settle down etc, that person will become her Dad if both DD and he are happy with that.

If someone refered to DD's father as 'sperm donor' I'd be highly offended and likely to rip them a new arsehole.

GeekCool · 28/06/2011 09:18

As an adoptee I've always hated the term 'real mum' when people ask about my biological mum. My 'real mum' is my mum, who has brought me up. My bio mum gave birth to me and I will always appreciate being placed in an amazing family, but she isn't my real mum.
If that makes sense Hmm

Irksome · 28/06/2011 09:20

What about 'real dads' who get booted out though, and then have to watch their children encouraged to think of step dads as 'real' or equivalent? There's too much emphasis on and assumption that the 'real' dad is a bastard sometimes.

MediumPretty · 28/06/2011 09:49

"I understand that parents who bring up a child, whether they gave birth to the child or not, are abolutely key people for the child".

They are not "key" people, lesley, to the child they are mummy and daddy/mum and dad. And it really wounds them when children in the playground say "your mum's not your real mum". And the use of the term real is sometimes used deliberately to wound (my dd has been there) or carelessly by people who should know better.

I agree it's a different matter when a birth parent has been frozen out by his partner and her new DP but just because a minority of adopted children have a natural curiosity about their birth parents doesn't negate the love and strong bond they have for the parents who raised them.

Loathe the term "sperm donor" (when used incorrectly) and why refer to your child as "the kid"?

WinterLover · 28/06/2011 09:56

I agree with Irksome What about 'real dads' who get booted out though, and then have to watch their children encouraged to think of step dads as 'real' or equivalent? There's too much emphasis on and assumption that the 'real' dad is a bastard sometimes

DP got kicked out of the family home when his DD was 6 months old as his exW had been having an affair for about 8-9months (yes while pregnant) and she decided she wanted to move her 'boyfriend' in. DP had no say in the matter, had his DD 3 days a week from the start until exW married and wanted DD to only have 1 dad as it was too difficult for DD to understand she had 2 'dads' so stopped contact. Now DP gets to see DD every weekend and in the holdidays, DD has to call step dad 'dad' and is frequently told that her step dad is her 'real' dad and DP is just her weekend dad!!

Words like that tear DP up!! Luckily though she's now 5 and knows the difference and corrects step dad when he pretends shes his daughter!

Original poster
thesilentsinger · 28/06/2011 10:06

Obviously not everyone's family situation is as clear cut as mine. It's appalling that a biological father who wants to be involved and sees themselves as the Dad is elbowed out of the situation by a mother who would rather her new DP have that title instead.

In my situation though, it annoys me when people ask if DS wants to meet his 'real' dad. Because is real dad is the one whose been there from the start.

For the record, he's shown no interest in meeting his biological father. And has actively said he isn't interested. My DH and I are fully aware that this might change in the future and if/when it does, I will do my best to do right by my son and if that means trying to contact his 'father' I will do my best to do that.

We never criticise his 'father', I answer questions about him as honestly as I can and if he asks about characteristics/traits that come from his father I tell him about them positively. I did love him once and could never hate him, without him I wouldn't have DS. I don't have any respect for him though!

My child is the most important person in this decision, not me and DH or his father.

OP posts:
tazmin · 28/06/2011 10:09

I guess if you are calling the mum and dad the people who bring up the kids, where does that leave the 'parents' who leave their kids in nurseries/childminders 8 am to 6.30 pm every day? Surely then the carer would the one taking on the majority of caring so would become the parent in your argument

GeekCool · 28/06/2011 10:12

tazmin that's a ridiculous comment and made purely to be inflammatory.

GeekCool · 28/06/2011 10:13

That's really annoyed me infact. What about when children go to school, do the teachers then become their parents? Ridiculous.

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