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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'real' parents.

87 replies

thesilentsinger · 27/06/2011 22:18

Why do people so often refer to the absent father as his 'real' dad? Surely the 'real' dad/mum is the person who is there, the person who supports, the person who is on the holiday photos, the person who cleans up sick and helps with homework. It really annoys me.

I get that when there is a biological parent still on the scene, it's different but if it looks like a Dad and it smells like a Dad, it's a Dad. (or mum as the case may be).

Bit of background - I am married with 2DCs. My eldest is not my DH's biological child. His 'father' ended our relationship after starting another when I was 8 months pregnant. (Nice!). Other than a couple of phone calls in the week following his birth, we've had no contact whatsoever with him. He didn't respond to my early efforts to maintain contact and then being a single parent and homeless was somewhat more pressing.

Anyway, now my life is great. I have been with DH since DS was 13 months old. He is Dad. My DS knows about his father and refers to him by his first name if he ever mentions/asks about him. But DH is his Dad.

OP posts:
allnewtaketwo · 28/06/2011 10:16

Or in other cases, maybe the TV becomes the parent

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 28/06/2011 10:17

Actually Tazmin, if DC are with a paid childminder from 8-6.30 monday to friday, that's 52.5 hours per week. There are 168 hours in a week. So the DC are still with their parents the majority of the time.

What irritates me is that people think it's up to them to define someone else's family relationships ie who your 'real' parent is. People who were/are raised by their bio-parents should basically STFU with their opinions on something they generally know sod all about.

SignOnTheWindow · 28/06/2011 10:20

Well my DP died when I was pregnant with DD2. There is no way, no WAY in the world that he is not their 'real' dad. He didn't get to bring up his daughters, but if anyone ever referred to him as their 'biological father' or, worse, as a 'sperm donor', I would probably have to be restrained from punching them in the face...

Insomnia11 · 28/06/2011 10:27

I've actually heard people say "I'm giving up work to become a real mum now". Hmm

Original poster
thesilentsinger · 28/06/2011 10:29

SignOnTheWindow so sorry to hear about your DP.

I think though, this is different. You DP never had the opportunity to be the active Dad in DD2s life and was taken from them. He did not make the choice to abandon them and then have nothing to do with them.

Whoever you are with now/will be with in the future, your DP will always be your children's 'real' dad because he wanted to be their dad, and you can tell your children how much he loved them and all the things he wanted to do with them.

OP posts:
SignOnTheWindow · 28/06/2011 10:34

thesilentsinger thank you for your lovely post. Am feeling a bit sensitive today - of course you are right that it's totally different.

YANBU in your original post of course!

Rockerchic · 28/06/2011 10:45

I'm sorry but the man who is meant to be my "father" is a worthless piece of shit and I'm being mild here. I hate the man for what he put my lovely mother through, he beat her, mentally tormented her a d had affairs. This man chose not to contact any of us when he walked out with a 19 year hussy. I was only a baby and don't remember any of this. The man as made 1/2 hearted attempts to contact me and bro and sis. They see him once a year and me well no way. I have a dad who I love very much why would I let that scum into mine and DD life.

Rockerchic · 28/06/2011 10:49

Signonthewindow so sorry to hear about your DP.
I would never class someone like that as a "sperm doner" and it's a horrid word. I've strong views on this as my "real" dad didn't want to know us. I was lucky to have a dad my stepdad and he's the only dad I know.

Original poster
thesilentsinger · 28/06/2011 10:50

SignOnTheWindow Smile

OP posts:
SarahBumBarer · 28/06/2011 11:08

It's not a particularly helpful term. Nevertheless I think basically up to the child to decide what feels "real" to them. Not to say that they should not perhaps be reminded at times about who has actually done what for them.

To those of you saying that too much emphasis is placed on biology - by whom? What would you say about a child making contact with a birth mother or father and being told "Oh you are placing too much emphasis on biology"? I say this from the perspective of DH having been recently contacted by a child (young adult) which he fathered as an actual sperm donor. I would have thought that was a pretty apalling response to make to them. Clearly DH is some part of "real" to this person and I don't think they should be criticised for feeling that or that anyone should feel annoyed at them.

meltedchocolate · 28/06/2011 11:20

Sperm donar is a revolting term.

Original poster
thesilentsinger · 28/06/2011 11:21

But again, Sarah, this is a different situation and of course that young person shouldn't be criticised for making the decision that they wanted to meet the man that had fathered them. There will be physical similarities, maybe characteristic traits and interests that they are curious about. That is completely understandable. I don't think anyone would be annoyed with them.

I suppose I am talking quite specifically about the men who knowingly father a child with a known woman that they are in a relationship with later deciding they want nothing more to do with either the mother or the child they conceived with her and deliberately removing themselves from that child's life then being referred to as the 'real' Dad as though the man who nursed them through illness, took them to school, paid for their music lessons, was proud when they won a race, supported them through bereavement etc etc etc was somehow invalid or not quite as important as the person who wouldn't know them if they passed them in the street because they're not the 'real' Dad afterall.

That's all.

That's not what your DH did.

OP posts:
xstitch · 28/06/2011 11:21

I don't like the term sperm donor either. Unless of course it is a sperm donor literally in terms of IVF.

Maryz · 28/06/2011 12:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

slipperandpjsmum · 28/06/2011 12:11

SpringchickenGoldenBrass love your first post. I could have written that myself although I lost my beloved Dad 6 years ago. Couldn't agree more with your posting.

Tazmin your post was totally ridiculous and offensive no doubt to many parents and childminders. I think you have missed the point of this thread!

xstitch · 28/06/2011 12:13

That's horrible of her MaryZ

NotJustKangaskhan · 28/06/2011 12:21

I refer to my 'real' parents as my 'natural parents'. I don't like the terms 'birth mother' or 'sperm donor' (outside an IVF or surrogate setting) because, as crappy as they were/are and as much as I'm happy not having contact with them, without them I wouldn't exist. Particularly my mother, who made a lot of bad choices during my pregnancy and afterwards, but pregnancy is a PITA and she deserves some recognition for going through that even if she didn't do it so well.

Kewcumber · 28/06/2011 20:16

I think Sarah has hit the nail on the head of what I wanted to say - which is that in fact all this posturing by us parents about who is "real" is irrelevant. Our children will decide for themselves who their "real" parents are and the biological link will matter more to some children than others. It isn't really for us to decide how our childrne should react to having an absent parent.

What is relevant is whether we should put up with people not within the intimate circle of family using terminology which we or our children might find offensive.

I am in the "firmly correcting" camp but not taking offence unless it is obviously intended to offend.

Kewcumber · 28/06/2011 20:18

I'm assuming Tazmin that you didn't really expect a serious reply to that ridiculous coment?

Kewcumber · 28/06/2011 20:22

"a relationship to a parent isnt just science its a bond or connection" - what a lovely idea but no, it isn't, not always. Giving birth or providing sperm does not always give you an automatic bond or connection. I know you can't imagine that but sadly (for the child) its true.

confuddledDOTcom · 29/06/2011 11:38

Do you object if the child - whether as a child or grown up - refers to their father as a sperm donor?

Kewcumber · 29/06/2011 11:48

nope entirely their choice - though if a child obviously learnt as I can't imagine a child coming up with that description unprompted. It concerns me that any parents uses derogatory language about any absent parent to a child (not privately or on a forum - again perfectly reasonable to sound off about dick-head partners).

My mother was extremely scathing of my father and I know how conflicted it made me feel and how uncertain I was when she occasionally said "oh you're just like your father" - not always intending it to be an insult. The thing is that there are aspects of me that are just like my father and knowing that my mother thinks he is an unmitigated arse makes me feel uncomfortable at tiems. And I'm 46. Can't imagine how a child processes that.

Having a semi-absent father has actually been quite a useful experience when learning to parent a child with an absent father.

I call my father a useless git at times and thats quite true.

Xenia · 29/06/2011 11:53

It's a matter of English and most of us want accurate Engilsh. Some women think they can snowpake out the genetic father of their children and yet genes are massively important and that is a huge heritage for any child.

GooseyLoosey · 29/06/2011 11:57

Interesting. We recently told the dcs (aged 6 and 8) tht dh is adopted as we wanted this to be a natural part of their lives rather than a terrible secret which they found out by accident.

Their first question was "who is daddy's real mummy then?" We patiently explained that Granny was his real mummy and we had no idea who had given birth to him. Their family as they knew it was still their family.

They accepted all this just fine as children do but I was surprised about the "real mummy" comment. It seemed to be instinctive.

Original poster
thesilentsinger · 29/06/2011 12:15

Xenia I agree. I haven't removed the genetic father of my DS. Genes are important.

My DS gets some of his looks, some aspects of his personality, some of his habits and physical characteristics from his Father who he has never met because despite us living together, being engaged and me being part of his family for several years, he wants nothing to do with DS and never has done.

But they are not the only thing. My DS gets many of his mannerisms, interests and habits from my DH with whom he shares no genes.

And whilst it is true that one definition of real: is "actual and not alleged", another is also "being no less than what is stated; worthy of the name"

DH is worthy of the name, his Father, isn't.

OP posts: