Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to go out even though BFing?

87 replies

goingornot · 24/06/2011 20:40

(Namechanged because I don't know if I am being a thoughtless cow or not).

I bought tickets to a concert I really want to see, (it's this Sunday), a few months ago even though I was pregnant. My reasoning was that the baby would be a month old by the time I went and Bfing would be established and it would all be OK.

DS was a couple of weeks late and so he's only 2 weeks old now. The concert is not very far away and not that long. I reckon I'll be out of the house for about 4 hours at the very most. DH is very unhappy that I am thinking about going and says that I am 'selfish''uncaring' and 'unnatural', amongst other choice epithets. Am I? I would express enough to cover the 2 feeds. I don't think he feels confident about looking after the baby and our other child (4) on his own.

I'm not feeling amazing tbh, baby blues are hanging around and I think this would really cheer me up and I do just want very much to go, but it's not important and I could easy forgo it. Is wanting to go or going being unreasonable? I honestly can't tell.

OP posts:
GreenEyesandHam · 24/06/2011 20:42

Depends.

Who is it you want to see?

Oakmaiden · 24/06/2011 20:43

You'll be fine. Baby will be fine. Go and enjoy yourself.

reallytired · 24/06/2011 20:44

If you can express milk then why not go to the concert.

"DH is very unhappy that I am thinking about going and says that I am 'selfish''uncaring' and 'unnatural', amongst other choice epithets. "

It takes two to make a baby.

"would express enough to cover the 2 feeds. I don't think he feels confident about looking after the baby and our other child (4) on his own."

Well practical experience would be a good idea to improve his parenting skills.

catgirl1976 · 24/06/2011 20:47

Erm its his baby too! The baby will be fine and it sounds as though a little time with his DC on his own might not hurt.

Ragwort · 24/06/2011 20:47

I remember going out for the evening when my DS was 10 days old (my mother was babysitting) - I just felt I needed to go out and be 'an individual' - one person I met was horrified that I could leave my young baby. I personally think you are not being at all unreasonable - surely your DH is a competant dad who can cope - (are you coping alone at the moment or is he on paternity leave?).

In all of these sort of situations I say (rather unkindly Grin) 'what would happen if I was run over by a bus?'.

realhousewifeofdevoncounty · 24/06/2011 20:48

Go. Please. My dd was only about 5 weeks when my mum had her overnight for the first time. She was fine, I was sore and full but I pumped and I was fine! If your dh is so unhappy having her then can someone else can? TBH I wouldn't want to leave my dc with someone who wasn't 100% happy and confident about having her. But that's just me. Personally I think he is wrong to make you feel guilty and YANBU about wanting to go. x

Grabaspoon · 24/06/2011 20:50

Surely if it's a concert - your older child will be in bed for most the time.

Another one saying Go.

inabit · 24/06/2011 20:52

I think you would should definately go. The first few weeks are difficult and tbh it sounds like it would do you the world of good.

Your DH is probably worried about being alone but is being unfair trying to make you feel bad.

When I had DD (6) my DP left everything to me and it drove a wedge between us where she's concerned. He helped more with DS (3) and they have a much stronger bond - start as you mean to go on I think - and don't feel guilty:)

leftblank · 24/06/2011 20:52

YANBU You deserve a treat. Enjoy yourself. And i agree, it will do your DP good, get his confidence up.

thisisyesterday · 24/06/2011 20:52

personally, there is no way on this earth i would have left my 2 week old baby to go to a concert, so i admit that i find it hard to understand why you would want to.

that doesn't mean you're wrong to do it though...

what is baby like though? generally settled? has he taken a bottle before?

GreenEyesandHam · 24/06/2011 20:53

Let's not be too hasty here people.

I've heard Barry Manilow is in town...

Seriously OP, you should go if you feel up to it

TakeMeDrunkImHome · 24/06/2011 20:54

How on earth are you being selfish and uncaring! What a nasty thing to say. Absolutely you should go, my god it's just a few hours out. I can't comment on the BF issue as I FF but you are allowed a night out for goodness sake and if you can express enough for baby then what is the problem? Your H is a parent too, would he be selfish and uncaring if he wanted a few hours out as a PERSON rather than a parent. GO and have a great time.

TakeMeDrunkImHome · 24/06/2011 20:55

Oh, but if it is Barry Manilow then YABSOFRIKKINGU Grin

kaid100 · 24/06/2011 20:55

My wife BFs and when she (rarely) goes out for a few hours, she leaves a supply of expressed milk so I can feed the babies. I suspect that he doesn't want to do the hard work of being in sole care.

Ragwort · 24/06/2011 20:55

thisisyesterday - genuine question why wouldn't you leave your baby with his/her own father (assuming he is on the scene) - I am not being sarky, I would really like to know. At what stage did you leave your baby?

pozzled · 24/06/2011 20:57

Has your DH been with you and the baby ever since he was born? I'm betting not, I expect he's at least been out for a couple of hours to do some shopping or whatever. So all the talk about it being unnatural for you to leave him is nonsense IMO.

Go to the concert. But if you haven't yet given DS a bottle, make sure you try that before you leave!

Original poster
goingornot · 24/06/2011 20:58

He's tapped into the bit of me that feels guilty for even thinking about it. But I do want to go. I probably would not have been able to with my first one, but this time, deep down, I think that the baby will be fine without me for a few hours.

It might be good for DH to do this -he's very prone to just leaving it to me to handle.

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 24/06/2011 20:59

because a breastfed baby needs its mum there. breasts aren't only about food, and at 2 weeks a baby is not really able to accept that it has to have an alternative form of comfort

so, i would have worried that the baby would get upset and be hard to comfort, but most of all i just wouldn't have wnated to be away from baby!!!
not because i wouldn't trust dp to look after it, i just wouldn't want to be parted so early on

harecare · 24/06/2011 21:01

Agree with thisisyesterday. I left DD1 at 8 weeks to go out and everyone was really shocked she wasn't with me, but by then I knew her patterns and she didn't need a feed during the time I was out.

If he's never had a bottle and he needs a feed (or cluster feeding most of the evening) while you're out it will be very distressing for him and DH and you may not enjoy yourself knowing this. It won't hurt anyone in the long term, but it's not something I could do or expect DP to allow if I thought this would be the consequence.

On the other hand if he already has an established pattern and you know he'll take a bottle then you'll all be grand.

blackeyedsusan · 24/06/2011 21:06

yanbu. 4 hours is not that long if you feed before you go, should imagine baby may only need one feed. make sure baby will take a bottle(some don't, mine were thrilled by milk they didn't have to work so hard for) is this the first 4 hours you have had away from baby? how often has he been away from baby? is that not unnatural too? or does it only apply to the mother. think it is a horrible thing to say.

assuming the children would be safe with him, go.

harecare · 24/06/2011 21:28

You'll be missing 2 of his usual feeds? Has DH ever fed him with a bottle before? I can imagine how worried he is. I wouldn't look after my sister's 2 week old baby in these circumstances. I would if I was guaranteed that the 4 hours were hours the baby usually slept, but if the hours were from say 7-11 when I can imagine a lot of feeding would be happening I would be shocked to be asked.
I agree with other posters, you are BOTH parents equally and he has just as much right to put your baby first as you.

ZXEightyMum · 24/06/2011 21:39

Four hours? He sounds like a bit of a prick to be honest. I know it is a bit of a leap of faith but yer man should be supporting and reassuring you.

Elizadoesdolittle · 24/06/2011 21:40

YANBU - If you're only going for a couple of hours, will have expressed enough milk and baby will take the bottle I don't see any issues. You already have one child so it's not like your DH doesn't have much experience with babies. I would definetley (sp) go if it was me and I like to think I'm a good mother (although don't we all!). The fact that you are considering not going shows you care but please go! You deserve a break and baby will be fine.

GruffalosGirl · 24/06/2011 22:06

I think it depends on how he's feeding. My DC both cluster fed at night for months so I wouldn't have left mine, in fact I'm leaving my 14 week for 3 hours for the first time to go to a concert tomorrow (unfortunately it's Peppa Pig though).

2 weeks is very early in breast feeding terms, I wouldn't have given mine a bottle that early in case it led to nipple confusion but then I'm a bit neurotic about stuff like that.

reallytired · 24/06/2011 22:18

Surely the baby will only need one feed at most. If you feed the baby just before you go, there is a chance the lo will sleep for four hours and not need a feed. Or wake up and just need one feed.

You would feed lo as soon as you get back. How many feeds does a newborn actually need in four hours. I did a BSL taster course when my lo was 3 weeks old. I was away for four hours and lo slept the entire time.

I really don't think one feed will lead to bottle confusion. If you are worried then you can always cup feed.