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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to go out even though BFing?

87 replies

goingornot · 24/06/2011 20:40

(Namechanged because I don't know if I am being a thoughtless cow or not).

I bought tickets to a concert I really want to see, (it's this Sunday), a few months ago even though I was pregnant. My reasoning was that the baby would be a month old by the time I went and Bfing would be established and it would all be OK.

DS was a couple of weeks late and so he's only 2 weeks old now. The concert is not very far away and not that long. I reckon I'll be out of the house for about 4 hours at the very most. DH is very unhappy that I am thinking about going and says that I am 'selfish''uncaring' and 'unnatural', amongst other choice epithets. Am I? I would express enough to cover the 2 feeds. I don't think he feels confident about looking after the baby and our other child (4) on his own.

I'm not feeling amazing tbh, baby blues are hanging around and I think this would really cheer me up and I do just want very much to go, but it's not important and I could easy forgo it. Is wanting to go or going being unreasonable? I honestly can't tell.

OP posts:

StealthPolarBear · 25/06/2011 07:36

I agree with tiy - also don't think you can say a 2yo has day and night confused!
As others say, if you go it will prob be fine.

Flisspaps · 25/06/2011 07:41

H is BU with the way he has put his concerns and guilt trip on you.

However a 2 wo can't have day and night confused - this is a normal sleeping pattern for a newborn. Also if you're EBF then it's generally not recommended that you express until a bit later on as your milk supply is still settling down (AFAIK).

I'd sell the ticket, tell DH in no uncertain terms that he's not so speak to me like that again ever, and then book tickets to something else in a few weeks time when DC is a bit older and more used to the world.

VivClicquot · 25/06/2011 07:58

At 5 weeks, DH and I left our now 8 week old EBF PFB with my parents for 3 or 4 hrs so that we could see Take That. Yes, I felt guilty as hell in the cab on the way to the concert, but once I was there I was glad we did it. DD was fine, there has been no nipple confusion after taking a bottle of expressed milk and mum & dad loved spending time with her. Plus DH and I had a couple of hours in just each other's company, which was lovely.

So go. Have an amazing time. Your DH will be fine.

HipHopOpotomus · 25/06/2011 08:03

YANBU he's just freaking out
go and enjoy!

thetasigmamum · 25/06/2011 08:18

I think 2 weeks is a bit early but it's more that 4 hours is too long for the first separation. I'm also wondering if you will actually be able to express enough milk to last - it takes time to build up the production line, when you are BFing at the same time anyway. To be 'safe' you need to leave rather more in the fridge than you reasonably expect the baby to consume in that time - one bottle won't do it. And what if you are delayed?

seeker · 25/06/2011 08:29

Can you express enought milk? Will the baby happily take a bottle?

If so, then of course you should go if you want to - a father should be as capable (or incapable) of looking after his children as a mother is of hers.

But at 2 weeks I couldn't have expressed enough and neither of mine were good with bottles.

I would have just put the baby in a sling and taken him with me. Problem solved.

ZonkedOut · 25/06/2011 08:32

I think you'll all be fine! It's not something I would have done (I'm a bit clingy with my babies), but I'm sure the break will do you good. And I don't at all think you're being selfish even to consider it. After all, a run down Mum isn't good for your DCs either! You need to consider your own needs too - for their sakes as well as yours.

I expect your DH is mostly just anxious about looking after the baby by himself - he probably didn't do it with your 4 year old at such an early point. Many Dads seem to regard newborns as a black art that only Mummies can deal with!

ChopMonster · 25/06/2011 08:50

I couldn't have left DS at 2 weeks but that's only because he was a cluster feeder and was constantly on and off the breast all evening. I felt very low at the beginning so I do sympathise with you. Even though DS cluster fed, he could be settled by pretty much anyone else at that point! One evening I couldn't stop crying and felt really ill so DH took DS, I went to bed for about 4/5 hours and DH fed him a bottle expressed milk. No nipple confusion, DS settled wonderfully for his dad, I felt much better after a good sleep. Everyone benefited. Although I must admit it had taken a while to get much milk out at that stage.

You know your baby, if he'll take a bottle and settle ok for DH then I think you should go and cheer yourself up for a few hours.

slipperandpjsmum · 25/06/2011 08:51

I think your DH choice of words when discussing this with you was not particularily constructive. He is prob anxious about looking after the baby. Have you ever left the baby with him before?

There is no problem with you leaving your baby with Daddy, however, I would have been sooooo uncomfortable. At that age I was feeding my babies every couple of hours and that could change on a daily basis. I would have prob ended up engorged and so uncomfortable it would have ruined my night anyway! But everyone is different and I really don't think there is anything wrong with you going at all in principle its just practically for me it would have been tricky.

Are you any closer to a decision?

seeker · 25/06/2011 09:04

Am I the only person who would have taken him with me? The baby, I mean, not the dh.

confuddledDOTcom · 25/06/2011 09:05

I'm envious of all you who wouldn't leave a 2wo for the first time. I'd not spent 4hrs in one go with my first and third babies for the first two weeks.

PrettyMeerkat · 25/06/2011 09:09

He is being horrible to call you those things!

As long as you are sure it will work (not problems expressing and you are sure baby will take a bottle) then you should go. It doesn't matter if other people would have left their baby at that age, it's only 4 hours, it's not like you are going away for the weekend.

RitaMorgan · 25/06/2011 09:13

No way would I take the baby with me - I'd worry about volume and I was changing nappies hourly at 2 weeks.

DialsMavis · 25/06/2011 09:17

If you can leave enough milk then go for it. . I would leave plenty more than you think you need to. I went out when DD was a few weeks old but couldn't express enough to be sure so I also left a carton of ready made formula too. ( I realise this is seen as akin to leaving a carton of rat poison by most on here though ).

DD was my 2nd and I found I desperate to get back to her even though I had wanted to go out.

mousesma · 25/06/2011 09:22

DD had an expressed bottle of milk each day pretty much from birth and we successfully BF until just over 6 months. I think the problems with nipple confusion are over stressed and in my opinion you are better off giving a bottle sooner rather than later to prevent bottle rejection further down the line.

OP I think if your baby isn't cluster feeding in the evening then you will be fine to go.

seeker · 25/06/2011 11:10

I do think it depends on what sort of concert - I wouldn't take a baby to a really really loud gig, but can't see a problem if it's not Iron Maiden or something.

A poo every hour, Rita! Wow!

BitOfFun · 25/06/2011 12:12

If its only one feed, there is always formula .

Your husband will be fine with the baby. You are going to a gig, not crossing the bloody Serengeti.

PregolaLola · 25/06/2011 12:37

still havn't said if babys has had a bottle before you would have to be a total idiot to just express and hope baby takes it this time.

if baby is good with a bottle and DP can cope with it then yanbu, but if hes really uncomfortable i reckon you'll be out and worrying because of the way hes going on at you.
i couldnt of because mine would ignore an expressed bottle totally and im poo at trying to be firm with it, DS is almost seven months ive been for lunch once and shopping twice... i am the clingy one ds does not care and DP tries to make me leave... I AM CRAP ignore my advice.

confuddledDOTcom · 25/06/2011 12:41

Bottles are hit and miss. It's not that it's over stated. You could easily mix the two and go to two years or you could give one bottle and never get the baby back on or you could happily use it for weeks and then they start to refuse the breast. You have to decide how much breastfeeding is worth to you. Babies don't need bottles so you don't have to prepare them. If you want to give them later and they refuse you can try different teats or a cup or beaker depending on age or a syringe. No baby stays on the breast forever so it's not true to say you have to introduce something else to make sure they take it later.

PelvicFloor0fSteel · 25/06/2011 12:58

Your 'D'H is being an arse and shouldn't speak to you like that but....

My DS1 was 2 weeks early, on day 12 I could have happily left him for a few hours, day 13 he woke up and fed insatiably. Newborns are a bit unpredictable at the best of times, aside from always following sod's law and being difficult when you most need them to be easy.

Unless the concert is a once in a lifetime opportunity, I'd find another home for the ticket and go to something you can really enjoy properly when your baby is a bit older.

harecare · 25/06/2011 21:02

Seeker - I'd take the baby too, so long as I had a seat, I'd be much happier carrying the baby in a sling while out. I could totally relax and the baby would either sleep or feed.
I completely disagree with everyone who thinks DH is an arse. He is a concerned Dad, not a lazy one (He could be both!).
Imagine if a struggling Mum was posting in AIBU about how her DH was planning on going out with his mates and leaving her all alone with a 2 week old new born, a 4 year old who will have to be put to bed and she's struggling with BF and needs his support. The DH would still be called an arse.
If DS managed yesterday and tonight with a 7:30 feed and then sleeping til you're due back you can assume he'll do the same on Sunday.
2 nights is a short test, but if he will take a bottle and DH is confident then you're good to go. If DH is not confident why not stay at home to support him?

realhousewifeofdevoncounty · 25/06/2011 21:03

So taking a baby to a noisy concert is better than leaving it with it's own father while mum has a bit of a break?

RitaMorgan · 25/06/2011 21:15

You'd need to get ear protectors for the baby if you took it - do they do them for newborns? Can't be very comfy.

Mare11bp · 25/06/2011 21:23

Yawn thisisyesterday - OP have a great night a happy parent makes for a happy baby.

appplepie · 25/06/2011 21:43

Hi there, if it helps...... I had to go back into hospital with problems with my C section wound when DD was around two weeks. It happened very fast and i was quite poorly and DD had a few bottles of formula.

I carried on to breast feed her till she was 18 months. Nipple confusion is a risk but you can weigh that up against your own needs. You are allowed your own needs :)

Personally, I would express what you can and put in one bottle. Give that first then use formula if required. Pop into toilets in interval to check on baba and if any problems go before second half.

Who is the concert and how much are the tickets cos I;d be weighing that up...

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