Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

AIBU to go out even though BFing?

87 replies

goingornot · 24/06/2011 20:40

(Namechanged because I don't know if I am being a thoughtless cow or not).

I bought tickets to a concert I really want to see, (it's this Sunday), a few months ago even though I was pregnant. My reasoning was that the baby would be a month old by the time I went and Bfing would be established and it would all be OK.

DS was a couple of weeks late and so he's only 2 weeks old now. The concert is not very far away and not that long. I reckon I'll be out of the house for about 4 hours at the very most. DH is very unhappy that I am thinking about going and says that I am 'selfish''uncaring' and 'unnatural', amongst other choice epithets. Am I? I would express enough to cover the 2 feeds. I don't think he feels confident about looking after the baby and our other child (4) on his own.

I'm not feeling amazing tbh, baby blues are hanging around and I think this would really cheer me up and I do just want very much to go, but it's not important and I could easy forgo it. Is wanting to go or going being unreasonable? I honestly can't tell.

OP posts:

RitaMorgan · 24/06/2011 22:25

It's only 4 hours - if the baby will take a bottle and you are happy to express and you want to go, then go. Your DH will be fine.

DP was perfectly capable of looking after DS for 4 hours at 2 weeks while I slept, I don't see that this is much different. You can feed the baby before you go and if DH carries him in a sling he'll probably sleep the 4 hours.

stuffthenonsense · 24/06/2011 22:26

I couldn't leave my baby so young so I don't understand-thats not a judgement by the way, some people are back to work full time when baby is still weeks old!
However

You reckon 4 hours, my DD(14y) went to a concert on wednesday, the start was delayed due to technical difficulties, and there was traffic bedlam afterwards, she was more than 2 hours longer than she thought she would be.
Of course, yours might go smoothly, but leave enough milk for extras, just in case.

harecare · 24/06/2011 22:33

I do hope you listen to the Father of your baby about his concerns. Post the same question in breast/bottle feeding and you'll get a completely different answer to many of those posted here.
Your DH is not at all unreasonable to be worried about your DS for the time you are away. It is unreasonable to assume he is being selfish because he simply can't be arsed to be responsible, I doubt very much that is the case.

BitOfFun · 24/06/2011 22:36

I think you should go. You are a person that would benefit from a bit of a break. Your husband is perfectly capable of looking after his own baby for a few hours. Don't let anybody make you feel guilty or unnatural.

Mumwithadragontattoo · 24/06/2011 22:39

It doesn't sound very practical to me. Your breasts will be so full and uncomfortable if the baby would usually have two feeds during the four hours you're out. A two week old breastfed baby needs it's mum, I think, as you are still establishing feeding and baby needs the comfort of feeding to settle. I suppose you could go if it is near your home and you could come back if you're uncomfy or baby is really unsettled.

hairfullofsnakes · 24/06/2011 22:39

As you are bf it sounds very difficult. Have you used a bottle before? I agree with the concerns of gruffalogirl about nipple confusion etc

I'm only saying this because you are in the early stages of bf and four hours seems a long time to be away when bf by the way :)

Mumwithadragontattoo · 24/06/2011 22:41

I think all the people who say this is a good idea either bottle fed or can't remember what bfing a 2 week old baby is like.

Oakmaiden · 24/06/2011 22:50

I breast fed and I remember it was very difficult to start with.

All the more reason why the OP ISN'T being "selfish" or "uncaring".

Really, the baby will be fine for a few hours with Dad, and even if it all goes wrong and the baby won't feed from the expressed milk and gets in a right tizz then it still won't be the end of the world. If OP feeds before she goes then it is likely the baby will be fine for at least a couple of hours, and not even notice OP isn't there. And it is very unlikely that baby will refuse to take milk from a bottle. And assuming feeding is currently going well then one bottle of Expressed milk is also unlikely to irreparably damage breastfeeding.

bringinghomethebacon · 24/06/2011 22:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mumwithadragontattoo · 24/06/2011 22:58

I don't think OP is "unselfish" or "uncaring" at all. I do think she is being overly ambitious in wanting to go out for 4 hours leaving a two week old wholly breastfed baby.

RitaMorgan · 24/06/2011 23:07

I think the OP probably knows her own baby. Mine would have been fine for 4 hours with his dad at 2 weeks, he wasn't a cluster feeder and didn't mind who held him.

seeksnewnamewithgsoh · 24/06/2011 23:08

I couldn't have left DD at 2 weeks but I can understand you wanting some 'you' space. I wanted it, but didn't actually make myself have it until DD was about 4 months old. By then I knew I could trust my boobs not to leak after 45 mins away from her, and that she could be distracted with a bottle of expressed milk, and that she was consistently sleeping through the evening.

But surely a 2-week-old bf baby does nothing but feed in the evening? Or was that just DD? I don't think it's as simple as 'the baby will be ok for 4 hours', especially in the evening when they cluster feed.

If you really want to go, don't feel guilty about it. If you think you'll feel guilty, I'd be inclined to give it a miss.

Fifis25StottieCakes · 24/06/2011 23:12

Your only going out for 4 flipping hours, get yourself away and cheer yourself up. It will be good practice for the OH of having the 2 DC by himself.

harecare · 24/06/2011 23:13

Oakmaiden - The OP isn't selfish or uncaring and you're right that the worse that may happen is the baby getting in a tizz. But that's probably what DH is worried about. He'll be at home with no boobs to settle a tizzy/distressed baby. That will make him feel helpless and resent the baby and the OP. He could be the best Dad in the world, but he doesn't have the essential equipment to care for his baby as well as the OP. He may have worded his fears badly and should apologise for his choice of words, but he's not wrong/lazy/a prick to not want to get DS in a tizz.

Can you sell the ticket/give it to a friend? They'll be soooo pleased to go and you can negotiate an amazing day of pampering from DH for making the sacrifice.

CalmaLlamaDown · 24/06/2011 23:37

Your husband is unreasonable to make you feel guilty but it does sound like he has reacted this way because of concerns about settling/feeding the baby which is not unreasonable. Do a mini trial run with husband giving bottle feed and you not in the same room for an hour or so tomorrow and see how it goes?

enjolraslove · 24/06/2011 23:41

Both dp and I went out to a mayball when dd was 5 days old. She was with gps. We were out for 3-4 hours. I held my phone the whole time do they could call if needed (we were 15 mins away). She didn't wake at all! But I did then have to go to a and e as I managed to tear
My stitches.

Original poster

goingornot · 24/06/2011 23:51

I've been monitoring him this evening and he's been fast asleep with one feed since 7.30 pm.

If I fed him before I went - he might not even wake up? Oh, I don't know. I'm all in a muddle about it. I do think DH is just worried and expressing his concerns badly but he's making me feel like crap and it's not helping. I think a trial run is a good idea.

The baby wakes up at between midnight and 1 am and stays awake for a while (he's got his day and night mixed up, but that's another story) and I'm tired and hormonal and teary and I want a little bit of cheering up for me, but it may be bad timing. I'll see.

OP posts:

chipmonkey · 24/06/2011 23:57

When ds3 was born he was 8 weeks premature. When I left hospital I had to leave him there. I would go in every day for about six hours and then leave him overnight with the hospital staff. For the other 18 hours I was not there, the staff fed him expressed milk. He survived and was bf for 2.8 years. Different circumstances I know but after having ds1 and ds2 joined to my breast for a long time after birth, it did make me realise that it didn't have to be that way. I generally found with mine that once someone fed them they were happy!

You are neither selfish nor uncaring. That description better fits your dh.

cory · 25/06/2011 00:05

Another story to add to chipmonkey's. At a few weeks old my breastfed ds was taken on the train halfway across the country with his dad (and a supply of milk) and not returned until the next day.

All right, it was for something rather more important than Barry Manilow- we thought FIL was dying and this would be his only chance of seeing his grandson before he passed away. But we all came through all right, no nipple confusion, my breasts not too uncomfortable with pumping, just took up breastfeeding where we'd left off. And FIL recovered.

I wouldn't do something like that unless it was for a really serious reason, but 4 hours at a concert really doesn't sound that bad.

CalmaLlamaDown · 25/06/2011 00:09

Hope it all works out well. You are obviously NOT 'selfish and uncaring' because you are putting so much thought into the consequences of going out.

iwantbeer · 25/06/2011 00:24

Yanbu. If baby will take a bottle then it will do DH good to look after them. Sounds like he is trying to lay the guilt on thick which is very unsupportive of him imo. You deserve a break so dont let him tell you otherwise.

auntmargaret · 25/06/2011 00:39

YANBU. This is your second baby, am assuming you BF DC1? You know your children, you have just gone through pregnancy and CB, what is so wrong with a little me-time? I think H is being a bit harsh.

confuddledDOTcom · 25/06/2011 05:28

Similar to chipmonkey. My children were 31weeks, 35 weeks and 34 weeks. All spent time in the unit and all needed to be fed other ways although with the exception of my youngest who I'm just warming a bottle for while she gets some more from the tap, they've avoided the bottle but I have two nurslings waiting for me to get home for their share.

If it helps the hospital formula for calculating how much milk a baby needs is 150ml per kilo per day. If you use that and then divide by 6 you'll know how much he needs in 4hrs.

PinkSchmoo · 25/06/2011 07:24

Go - your DH is being a right arse as he is worried about looking after the lo on his own. Probably hasn't had that much hands on time? It'll do him the world of good to have a dose of total responsibility for the baby and I'm sure he'll be fine. He is being very selfish trying to make you feel bad to avoid a situation he is uncomfortable with.

Make sure you enjoy the trial run too - maybe some quality time with the 4 yo?

Btw have 7wo in the house so I remember where you are.

PinkSchmoo · 25/06/2011 07:26

Come back and tell us how it went.

Enjoy!

Flip

1 2 3 4