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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think DH doing this is NOT the same as me doing it?

93 replies

LRDTheFeministDragon · 12/06/2011 13:38

DH thinks I am being unreasonable. He plays a game over the internet that involves him talking/shouting to the other players. I work at home (I'm a student) and he always asks me if it's ok for him to make a noise. I almost always say yes but just now said no, because yesterday he did if for a long time and I ended up with a headache (and it wrecks my concentration). He said he wasn't doing it for more than a couple of hours and we had a bit of a row as I think he was doing it for longer. He responded by saying that he doesn't make a fuss when I mutter to myself when I'm working. Now, I can see this could be annoying, but a) it's much quieter and b) I'm working! I said it was different as I'm working and he's playing - he doesn't see the difference. What do you think?

In the interests of full disclosure, I should say it's an ongoing annoyance to me that I work at home but work on my laptop as he has the desk for his computer, which he uses to play on because he can't play the sort of games he likes on a laptop. I don't know if I'm partly being cross because of that/he's partly feeling attacked because of that.

OP posts:
MumblingRagDoll · 12/06/2011 13:47

Go in another room. Why are you sitting near him when you are working?

Original poster
LRDTheFeministDragon · 12/06/2011 13:50

We don't have one.

OP posts:
Hullygully · 12/06/2011 13:52

I would go absolutely berserk if I was working and an adult was shouting on one of those games. My ds plays those - in the basement. But he is 14. In fact, I couldn't live with an adult that played those stupid games. Not very helpful...

thursday · 12/06/2011 13:53

i'd go and sit somewhere else. i study at home and when i need to really concentrate i decamp to the bedroom for a bit. i have to say the shouty games would drive me mental at any time, but i'd tolerate it if thats what he liked. thankfully he plays quiet games and its helpful.

does sound more like a territory issue than this particular occasion was awful thing. can you get another desk to put your lappy on? we have the same here, his pc on the desk, me on sofa with lappy surrounded by badly balanced books etc. need desk #2.

Original poster
LRDTheFeministDragon · 12/06/2011 13:56

They don't appeal to me either Hully - but he works in computers and a certain measure of geekiness is fair enough. I just feel annoyed that although he can be very good about my work some of the time, I can't shift feeling he doesn't really get that it is a bit unfair of him to hog the computer desk and make noise when I'm working.

Btw, when I said we don't have anotehr room, we do - we have a bedroom which has walls on three sides of the bed and the rest of the space that's not bed is taken up with a passageway between the door and the bathroom that's one person wide, so I can go in there if I want to sit on the bed and work, but it's not really practical for typing lots (back pain!).

OP posts:
atswimtwolengths · 12/06/2011 13:58

Do you have children, OP? What time of day is it when you're studying and he's bawling his head off?

Original poster
LRDTheFeministDragon · 12/06/2011 13:59

thursday - I don't think there's room for another desk really. In any case, it'd have to be in the same room, so doesn't really solve the problem.

It sounds bad, but I think his attitude bugs me as much as the actual inconveniences - it feels as if he thinks his palying is more important than my working, if that makes snese? And on the one hand when he is at work he works hard, and long hours, so he does deserve a good break - but then yesterday I was working from 9am to after 1am with only a couple of hours off, so I feel a bit crap at the moment.

OP posts:
DoMeDon · 12/06/2011 14:00

YANBU - he is being totally unfair. You are working, he is using the appropriate space to chuff about on a game, then making geeky noises in background. He is being childish.

I think you are annoyed as you are allowing your boundaries to be pushed. In reality you want the desk and some quiet while you work, you 'let' him have them against your real wishes and then feel annoyed. Stick to what you want a bit more, compromise is good but not to detriment of your own goals.

Original poster
LRDTheFeministDragon · 12/06/2011 14:01

at - cross-post, sorry. We don't have children yet. He plays his game some evenings after work, and usually for some time one or both days of the weekend. I usually work 9-10 Weekdays and sporadically during the weekend. I do sometimes go out to the libary on weekdays when it's still open, but I work better at writing up when I'm at home with all my books on hand.

OP posts:
Trills · 12/06/2011 14:01

Can you sort out set times when he is allowed to play his games?

It is unfair of him to hog the desk and make a lot of noise while you are working, but it is a Sunday afternoon and I'm wondering if there is ever a time when you think it is okay for him to do this?

DoMeDon · 12/06/2011 14:02

You are also working too long! Get thee to a library (quiet) or coffee shop (different kind of noise) for change of scene.

whackamole · 12/06/2011 14:03

YANBU. He should realise that his leisure choices are not as important as you earning money for your family, and if he can't keep the noise down he should only play it when you are not working. Common courtesy imo.

Original poster
LRDTheFeministDragon · 12/06/2011 14:04

Trills - as I said in the OP, I almost always say it's fine when he says he wants to play his game. I very rarely ask him not to.

OP posts:
Original poster
LRDTheFeministDragon · 12/06/2011 14:08

DoMe - library isn't open! I work long hours but I am dyslexic so take longer than most to keep up, and I'm trying to finish my course asap because the money will run out and I need to get a job so he can go back and do his studying. He knows this, we've talked about it.

OP posts:
peppapighastakenovermylife · 12/06/2011 14:11

YANBU LRD (and get yourself back over to our thread!). How long have you got to go? The end of a PhD is like the end of a pregnancy, everything makes you see red / have a breakdown, let alone insensitive, man child like behaviour...

K999 · 12/06/2011 14:12

If the game is Call of Duty OP, you have my sympathy. DP plays this and it drives me mad! Although now, if I'm in the living room I insist on him turning it down!

Original poster
LRDTheFeministDragon · 12/06/2011 14:14

Hi peppa! Smile

I should get back to the thread ... I sometimes feel like a kid in the staffroom, as you're all further on that me, but I'll pop back now. I don't quite know how long I have - I have funding until next September but would like to finish early since the funding isn't really enough and I want a job. I'm not that close to finishing - have all my chapters drafted and am rewriting them and trying to make everything fit together, but I've not published yet and must do that and much more rewriting before the end comes into sight.

OP posts:
Original poster
LRDTheFeministDragon · 12/06/2011 14:15

Grin K999, I don't know what it's called but it's certainly noisy!

OP posts:
peppapighastakenovermylife · 12/06/2011 14:15

You are not that much further behind to me - come whinge with us about the delights of everything academic (like partners being idiots Wink)

And you can join the general procrastinating at not writing bit...

Thistledew · 12/06/2011 14:19

My ex used to watch DVDs whilst I was studying in the same room. He would use headphones but for some reason always used to choose to watch comedies or musicals, which of course meant that he was compelled to laugh out loud, or clap along to the music Hmm .

He was an abusive twat, and this was one of the many ways he tried to scupper my success.

Original poster
LRDTheFeministDragon · 12/06/2011 14:21

Thistle, sorry to bring up bad memories for you. Sad

That sounds rotten. I am aware my DH is, in the big picture, basically a very good guy and I am lucky.

OP posts:
K999 · 12/06/2011 14:23

If it's a shooty war type game where someone constantly shouts "UAV online" it's CoD.....Grin

Thistledew · 12/06/2011 14:30

LRD - no need to apologise.

My point is that it is hardly the most tricky thing in the world to realise that it is hard to concentrate whilst someone else is making noise around you. I do think you should challenge him on the fact that it makes it hard for you to study and that he should respect the fact that your studies take priority over his games.

He might deserve a break after working, but not if it is at the expense of what is your work and your future. I fear that you are right that he is not taking you seriously in this respect.

theDudesmummy · 12/06/2011 14:37

Sorry but a grown man playing computer games is just ridiculous in my opinion.

theDudesmummy · 12/06/2011 14:43

But then I am really annoying about this type of thing, don't allow the teenagers (stepdaughters) to play games either, view it as just a waste of time which could be spent reading, learning, excercising, communicating with real people, or doing something useful for yourself or someone else. My DS is only a baby now but he will certainly not be getting a playstation or whatever when he is bigger. I get pretty excercised about this type of thing I am afraid!

BTW I think your partner is absolutely wrong and if mine bothered me while I was working, with anything other than something completely vital, he would not be here any longer.