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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think DH doing this is NOT the same as me doing it?

93 replies

LRDTheFeministDragon · 12/06/2011 13:38

DH thinks I am being unreasonable. He plays a game over the internet that involves him talking/shouting to the other players. I work at home (I'm a student) and he always asks me if it's ok for him to make a noise. I almost always say yes but just now said no, because yesterday he did if for a long time and I ended up with a headache (and it wrecks my concentration). He said he wasn't doing it for more than a couple of hours and we had a bit of a row as I think he was doing it for longer. He responded by saying that he doesn't make a fuss when I mutter to myself when I'm working. Now, I can see this could be annoying, but a) it's much quieter and b) I'm working! I said it was different as I'm working and he's playing - he doesn't see the difference. What do you think?

In the interests of full disclosure, I should say it's an ongoing annoyance to me that I work at home but work on my laptop as he has the desk for his computer, which he uses to play on because he can't play the sort of games he likes on a laptop. I don't know if I'm partly being cross because of that/he's partly feeling attacked because of that.

OP posts:
Original poster
LRDTheFeministDragon · 14/06/2011 11:30

Oh, Sarah, I'm so sorry! I read that completely wrong ... I think the Sainsburys 'men cooking' thread has skewed my mind!

I do agree with you it's important for me to accept this is something he enjoys and gets something out off.

dreaming - yay, another sufferer! Grin

OP posts:
DamselInDisarray · 14/06/2011 11:33

I think you need a bit more space so you can enjoy the fact that your DH's hobby keeps him busy. Grin

We've finally gotten to the point where we have 2 public rooms in the house, so DH can play in the front room while I MN get on with something else in the back. It's great.

dreamingbohemian · 14/06/2011 11:33

Thanks Damsel!!

Original poster
LRDTheFeministDragon · 14/06/2011 11:37

Grin Tell me about it Damsel! I absolutely love where we are now (we used to be in a single room in a shared student house and I love having my own kitchen - minus mice!). But we are going to be glad to move when we can. It's one of teh big things making me want to get on and finish the PhD so I can earn some money.

OP posts:
Sarah159 · 14/06/2011 11:45

hehe no worries :) just mentioned it cos it helped me to accept the gaming and removed some of the conflict - I was able to say (through slightly gritted teeth I add) "I know how much this means to you, I'm not trying to stop you, but we need to find a way that works for both of us". We also have an ongoing argument about what I say and what he hears (not usually the same thing) and sometimes when women say they don't like something (and mean something needs to change) men hear "I want you to stop because my needs matter more than yours". Frikkin mine field in rl never mind the computer game!

bufforpingtonchick · 14/06/2011 11:53

The messages from posters saying it's immature, silly, etc - I wonder how tolerant they are of their own DP's interests tbh!

My DH loves football Sad and while I can't stand it myself, I would never presume to tell him what he can and can't do.

It sounds like you have a great relationship with your DH where you want to give each other space, but the literal space issue makes it hard. 13 hour days do sound a bit mad, I second the recommendation that you go to a nice cafe to work if you can? Nicer for you, he can do his shouting at the computer thing, win-win.

Logically of course your reasons for muttering away totally trump his for shouting at the comp, but as with everything in relationships, it's ain't about who's right but finding a compromise that keeps everyone sweet.

Good luck with the study btw! Smile

Fleurdebleurgh · 14/06/2011 13:35

I play my shouty game about 2 nights a week for 3.5hrs a time. I only watch about 2hrs of tv a week though, not a huge fan.

d0gFace · 14/06/2011 14:50

Fleurdebleurgh - WoW nerd! Wink

Andrewofgg · 14/06/2011 21:09

Male speaking. Damn it, OP, if you lie down in the road you'll be treated like a doormat; and if it is DH doing it it is not because he is a man but because he gets more chance to do it than anyone else, male or female. Men who imitate the doormat get treated as one by their wives/partners.

Stop whingeing here and tell him to behave like an adult. Giving up the sodding games might be a good start.

d0gFace · 14/06/2011 21:15

Andrewofgg, less QQ more pew pew!

Andrewofgg · 14/06/2011 21:24

Please translate, d0gFace, I'm still not conversant with all the MN abbreviations. Which reminds me, what is a pita around these paets?

d0gFace · 14/06/2011 21:43

www.mumsnet.com/info/acronyms

Original poster
LRDTheFeministDragon · 14/06/2011 22:02

Gosh, thanks Andrew, that was helpful of you. If you'd read the thread instead of telling me I'm a doormat and it's all my fault, you would realize I have bloody talked to him. It's not like I sit here thinking 'ooh, if I bitch on MN maybe it will all go away'.

I've said every way I can think of how I feel. I have lost my temper and yelled and I have talked it over. He is still, as we speak, sitting there playing his game. He only accepts the solution might be to get 'another' desk. Which we do not have space for, and which would not get me out of his noise. I have asked him and asked him if he couldn't let me have the computer and the answer is always that he needs to play his games, it's his only time to relax and he can't do it on a laptop. He has a point. I'm not about to ban him as if he's a three-year-old, so what exactly do I do to differntiate me from a 'doormat' in your opinion?

OP posts:
Ephiny · 14/06/2011 22:10

LRD - sorry if I'm getting you mixed up with someone else, but I seem to remember on another thread you mentioned your DP wasn't particularly happy or supportive when it comes to your work (you're doing a PhD, aren't you?). If there's something like that at the root of these problems, maybe that's what you need to address instead of fighting over the computer/desk which is just a symptom?

Easier said than done of course, and ignore me if I've got this all wrong...

Original poster
LRDTheFeministDragon · 14/06/2011 22:20

Ephiny, I don't think that was me ... he's generally lovely about the work, the only thing that really annoys me is this. I don't think he consciously thinks my PhD isn't that important, he just thinks I am being silly about the desk and if I were serious I'd cram in a (tiny) desk somewhere (where?!) else in our already packed living room. He can be lovely but is sending me into a rant at the moment because there are certain things I object to, that he'll insist simply aren't true - like I'll ask him to take his smelly socks off when he's been at work all day and wants to sit with his feet up on the sofa. He'll insist there's no smell ... and it drives me nuts. Same with the desk/game issue - I'll say it's noisy and he'll insist it was quiet.

Sorry, I am fucking fed up but not a doormat.

OP posts:
Ephiny · 14/06/2011 22:34

Oh sorry, ignore me then Blush.

You don't sound at all like a 'doormat' fwiw.

Original poster
LRDTheFeministDragon · 14/06/2011 22:37

No, don't worry - really easy to mix people up.

Thanks for saying I don't sound like a doormat. Actually, I don't know why I was cross at that ... I should be flattered, it's usually th oposite reaction I get! Grin

Gosh I feel better ... that rant was soothing ..

OP posts:
Andrewofgg · 15/06/2011 06:55

d0gFace: Thank you.
OP: How do you cope with a three-year-old in an adult's body? I don't know, and there are times when we all - male and female - have that problem. Best of luck.

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