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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think DH doing this is NOT the same as me doing it?

93 replies

LRDTheFeministDragon · 12/06/2011 13:38

DH thinks I am being unreasonable. He plays a game over the internet that involves him talking/shouting to the other players. I work at home (I'm a student) and he always asks me if it's ok for him to make a noise. I almost always say yes but just now said no, because yesterday he did if for a long time and I ended up with a headache (and it wrecks my concentration). He said he wasn't doing it for more than a couple of hours and we had a bit of a row as I think he was doing it for longer. He responded by saying that he doesn't make a fuss when I mutter to myself when I'm working. Now, I can see this could be annoying, but a) it's much quieter and b) I'm working! I said it was different as I'm working and he's playing - he doesn't see the difference. What do you think?

In the interests of full disclosure, I should say it's an ongoing annoyance to me that I work at home but work on my laptop as he has the desk for his computer, which he uses to play on because he can't play the sort of games he likes on a laptop. I don't know if I'm partly being cross because of that/he's partly feeling attacked because of that.

OP posts:

mumwithdice · 13/06/2011 16:14

LRD, I can completely understand the lack of time. Don't dismiss it entirely once you do have time. I have vision issues as well-3D games make me nauseous as do the quick-moving images you mention. However, there are many older games that don't do this, are 2D and move slowly. It took DH and I all nine months of my pregnancy to finish one.

Sorry if I sound pushy; it's just I really think more women ought to feel that gaming of any sort is open to them and not solely a male pursuit. I'm actually trying atm to write an essay on why gaming might be good for women so it's on my mind.

Ephiny · 13/06/2011 16:25

I would not be happy about the desk issue - surely your work takes precedence over his play, so if it's a shared desk/computer, you should get priority to use it when you need to work. This is how it works in our house anyway! In fact I have the bad habit of sitting on the sofa/at the kitchen table with my laptop, and DP is always reminding me to use the proper computer desk in the study because it's better for my back/wrists.

He does play computer games too (non-shouty ones thankfully! and he uses headphones if I'm working or sleeping) which I admit I am quietly a bit about, but it's not really for me to say what he can do to relax, and it's really no worse than me chatting on MN and reading fantasy novels :). I'd feel differently if his game-playing was interfering with my work though, or he was spending all his free time on it.

sc2987 · 13/06/2011 16:57

Could you get one of those tables which slots over the bed (they usually adjust in height) to work at? But no, YANBU.

d0gFace · 13/06/2011 21:18

''I'm actually trying atm to write an essay on why gaming might be good for women so it's on my mind.''

Im guessing the same reasons its good for men?

mumwithdice · 14/06/2011 09:58

d0gFace, well, of course. It's just that I find many women see gaming as either irrelevant or sometimes beneath them. And I think they're missing out on a lot of fun.

TechLovingDad · 14/06/2011 10:03

I play games quite a bit, but don't shout at it or anyone online. If DW is working or still watching TV, i wait until she goes to bed.

Gaming is no different to playing sport, watching films or listening to music. Just because some aren't into it, doesn't make it childish.

Morloth · 14/06/2011 10:08

Get him a gaming laptop and lock him in the bedroom.

squeakytoy · 14/06/2011 10:10

I am with Dudesmummy on this!

I play farmville but you dont hear me shouting at my pigs to get breeding or yelling "wheat ready in field number 3, deploy the tractor!!!!"

friendcat · 14/06/2011 10:18

I agree. Hope he grows up by the time you have offspring. Having one baby is hard enough.

Sarah159 · 14/06/2011 10:20

If he plays with a headset ask him to (a) turn down the volume of the speakers so he is more aware of volume levels and (b) move the ear pieces away from his ears slightly so he is aware of his own voice. I find that gamers often use noise cancelling headphones which block out everything and make it harder for them to register the volume of their own voice. Then get yourself some ear plugs or some noise cancelling headphones of your own and listen to some calm music / chill out tracks while you work

Sarah159 · 14/06/2011 10:21

ps If it is CoD you have my sympathies... fellow CoD widow here, there are lots of us about!

Fleurdebleurgh · 14/06/2011 10:26

I play an online game that involes talking a lot to several other people, occasional shouting and a small amount of screaming and cheering.

DH hates it when he is trying to watch TV and i am yelling for "Hand of sacfrifice on the MT!"

Your DH sounds like he is BU though if it is preventing you from doing something sensible.

Original poster

LRDTheFeministDragon · 14/06/2011 10:34

squeaky - "wheat ready in field number 3, deploy the tractor!!!!" made me .

Thanks for replies everyone. I think it's blown over for now - he's trying to be quieter when he's playing. I have to say I am fed up because he spent Sunday looking like a wet weekend - he claims he wasn't sulking and I think he wasn't, but he was incredibly fidgety and I am a bit cross/concerned if that's what happens when he misses one game. I could be being unfair, it could be completely unrelated ... those of you who do play games, can you say how many hours you reckon you spend doing it? And how many is sensible/healthy?

Morloth - he is adament a laptop won't work, but it may be we can't afford one that is good enough for the purpose.

OP posts:

DamselInDisarray · 14/06/2011 10:34

LRD: you need to get yourself to a coffee shop and buy a cake to eat while you work! Also, it probably isn't very productive for you to be working 13 hour days every day. I understand you feel that everything takes you longer due to dyslexia but you really don't need to work that much. Indeed, a bit of non-work time can do you wonders as it allows ideas to tick over in the background and you can think without crowding your mind so much. I arrived at many of the best ideas in my thesis this way.

My DH is videogame obsessed. He has invited me to play in the past, but I have absolutely zero interest in doing so. Instead I get to listen to DH and DS1 talking about videogames all the time.

DamselInDisarray · 14/06/2011 10:36

In terms of healthiness, I'd say compare it to watching tv. If you'd be concerned about the length of time watching tv, then it's too much gaming. If not, it's fine.

Original poster

LRDTheFeministDragon · 14/06/2011 10:41

Damsel can I try to wriggle out by saying I do MN as well as work in that time? It's not been that much time all the way through - but I'm busy atm.

I am losing perspective here, I think. I am planning to go to the coffee shop at least on Sundays to give him a bit of space/time of his own. We talked about it and I think the problem is he feels that when I'm home during the day I have free access to the computer so it's ok, and that I'm not always on it when he isn't, so don't really need it. The thing is, it's his computer, set up how he likes it (when I did my masters it was set up in Russian, which I don't speak, so thank god he changed that), with a keyboard I can't touch-type on because it's one of those funny ones with letters in different places. I get that he wants his computer to suit him, but he doesn't get that it's not a lot of us to me!

Am I just whining now?

OP posts:

Gingefringe · 14/06/2011 10:44

My DS plays these games as well, usually when I'm at the computer desk but he's playing on a TV. The shouting and shooting noises drive me bonkers but I can just about tolerate it in a teenage boy.

Your DH is being childish and selfish if he's doing this whilst you're clearly trying to work to get your qualification - obvisously your qualification will enable you to get a better job which will go towards your joint income.

mumwithdice · 14/06/2011 10:49

Well, I game when DD is asleep sometimes. So probably not more than an hour. But then, I don't play games that require me to shout down a microphone. I'm a solitary gamer and play old games like Baldur's Gate which is a fantasy rpg. I also categorically refuse to play any games that don't offer the option of playing a female.

I agree with Damsel about the amount.

Sarah159 · 14/06/2011 10:55

I think there is a certain aspect of understanding what this means to him that's important and while it's easy to dismiss it as childish and selfish there is often more to it than that. My dh and I used to argue a lot about gaming and I could often be heard ranting "You're OBSESSED! You love that feckin game more than me!" but I've come to realise, after discussion, that sometimes a guy needs something that is their own, and yes it can be consuming but for some that is the only way to switch off their brain, to become immersed in something that takes them away from other stresses - a bit like meditation does. And this can include their set up (What graphics card do I get? Does the motherboard need replacing etc etc)

I also now understand that in between the shouting & cries of "Go to B boys, 'nade the compound" they have discussions about emotional issues that, being face to face, they would all just find too difficult to do. And I know there have been tears, affection, support and friendship that, without the bluff of the game, they would not have had. So please don't be too quick to judge gamers, there's more to it than meets the eye (or long-suffering ears)

Original poster

LRDTheFeministDragon · 14/06/2011 11:00

Sorry, but Sarah your post made me grin a bit! I don't seriously believe men need a 'special' kind of outlet for their emotions because they can't express them in real life ... are you pulling my leg because of my MN name by any chance?

OP posts:

amberleaf · 14/06/2011 11:06

YANBU

Im intrigued to know what game your DH is playing?

I've heard watched people playing COD but not really shouting, if it is COD maybe he needs to not shout so much because its really not necessary!

Sounds like he gets a little too carried away with it.

Sarah159 · 14/06/2011 11:13

oh god no! Sorry, I just mean that one of the interesting and unexpected outcomes that suprised my dh was that over time, the camradarie that the group of guys have created has allowed them to sometimes discuss things with their mates that the "general down the pub banter" wouldn't have accommodated. Don't get me wrong, the primary outlet is dicking around on a computer shooting stuff!! It's not a special outlet, I just wanted to illustrate that there are other aspects to gaming than the "oh must be a childish geek" thing. It can be a great switch off from the real world, friendships can be made and it's important to find out what someone gets from it before discounting it

dreamingbohemian · 14/06/2011 11:21

sorry, can I join Penguin in asking about the academic thread?

DamselInDisarray · 14/06/2011 11:25

Have PMd you dreamingbohemian.

Sarah159 · 14/06/2011 11:28

...as in, was saying it to people who were calling it childish etc, not at you op

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