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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is it 'normal' for IL to visit GC once week?

95 replies

addictedtofrazzles · 08/06/2011 19:47

sounds weird when i read it back but I need some perspective...

IL's are obsessed by their grandsons (2.5 years and 11 months). She drives me nuts.

Husband wants them to have one afternoon a week to play with them etc.

I feel trapped and cross as no one I know has thus binding sort of arrangement.

Aibu?

OP posts:

MrsGravy · 08/06/2011 19:50

Yes. In my opinion you are being really unreasonable. 1 afternoon a week doesn't sound remotely excessive for close family. My parents try and make sure they see the kids (and me!) once a week and I think it's lovely that they want to spend time with them. What exactly is the problem? Is it that you don't want to commit to the same time? That it eats into your weekend? That the ILs are awful?!

tribpot · 08/06/2011 19:50

Would this be an afternoon off for you? My sister has her granddaughter one day/half-day a week and she really enjoys it. If you're expected to be there and entertain ILs + children then I would be kicking off I were you.

SardineQueen · 08/06/2011 19:50

Assume they live near you? Where do your parents live?

Both sets see the DCs at least once a week, we all live near each other. I think it's quite normal.

personally if they were offering to take them off my hands one afternoon a week I#d bite their arm off! I recognise that may just be me though...

ilovedjasondonovan · 08/06/2011 19:52

I would love my ILs to beable to spend time with their DC, but they live too far away.

glassofwhiteanybody · 08/06/2011 19:52

Sounds OK to me provided it's OK for you to go out and do other things. If you're expected to hang around and join in with them, then that's quite a big commitment. I also think it depends whether you work ie how much time you have with the children

Groovee · 08/06/2011 19:53

My inlaws used to take the children once a week before I went back to work. Was a nice break.

emsyj · 08/06/2011 19:53

My ILs have DD one day a week (whilst I'm at work). They live nearby. I think this is a nice amount of time for them to spend with her.

I think it would be very normal for grandparents to want to see their grandchildren at least once a week, if they are interested in them and love them. Surely you would want interested and loving grandparents involved in your child's life? YABU.

FairhairedandFrustrated · 08/06/2011 19:54

My IL's see my little ones at least once a week, but usually far more.

My parents often don't even see them once a month.

IL's live nearby and babysit one evening a week.

My parents live 40 miles away, mum doesn't drive and if I need a babysitter I have to drive 40 miles and pick her up, stay sober and drive her 40 miles back home again cos she won't stay over.

I love my IL's though, and would be very happy for them to see the children as often as they want to.

Original poster

addictedtofrazzles · 08/06/2011 19:56

Yes and no! I would have to entertain them with endless cups of tea and then they would probably take them out for an hour or so. I think I am cross because DH doesn't like spending time with her either, so to ease his conscience, I feel like I get landed with her irritating habits and crap chat!!! I also feel put out that I have to commit to a day where I have to turn things down because the grandparents are coming. It sounds stupid, I know.

OP posts:

WincyEtNightie · 08/06/2011 19:57

Completely depends how near they live IMO.

One afternoon a week not any more intrusive than staying for a whole weekend once every few months for example.

My ILs are kind enough to look after my DC once a week whilst I'm at work. Apart from that, we see them as a family about once every 2-3 weekends.

I think YABU to be honest but only if you can't, as others have said, turn it into "down time" for you. If you are expected to wait on ILs on your own whilst DH is out once a week I can see why that would be galling.

SardineQueen · 08/06/2011 19:58

Your DH needs to take his children to see his parents for a few hours every weekend.

That should do it.

WincyEtNightie · 08/06/2011 19:58

x-post. The tea thing doesn't sound so good!

BooyHoo · 08/06/2011 19:59

why cant grandparents have teh DCs at their own house. you and DH couold drop them off and go off for teh afternoon.

i dont think once a week is excessive TBH. i take my dcs to my parents' house two evenings a week and the dcs go to my EX's parent's house once a week.

scarletfingernail · 08/06/2011 19:59

They are your in-laws but they are not their grandson's in-laws.

Once a week I think is normal. My parents and parents-in-law both see their grandson once a week, usually with me or DH and me but sometimes on their own.

Personally I wouldn't agree to a set one afternoon a week as it makes it sound set in stone and if you ever wanted to not do it they could be offended. I think compromise is needed here and you should agree to see them once a week but sometimes you might want to be there too but sometimes you might like to do something on your own. I'd try and keep what day it happens quite flexible too so that you're not tied to it being every Tues etc. Try and keep the arrangements as informal as possible.

YABU to think that them wanting to see their grandsons once a week is obsessive but YANBU to not want arrangements set in stone.

PatriciatheStripper · 08/06/2011 20:00

Most children adore spending time with their grandparents. Do not deprive them of their company.

I saw my grandparents every day when I was a child, alas I didn't have them long and both had passed away by the time I was a teenager. My other (widowed) grandmother lived with us and it is a great sorrow to me that I never knew my other grandfather as I think we would have been great friends.

usualsuspect · 08/06/2011 20:01

She is their grandma ...yabu

ScarletOHaHa · 08/06/2011 20:03

Agree with BooyHoo. Drop them at your ILs and have your hubby pick them up.

TastesLikePanda · 08/06/2011 20:05

It sounds wierd to me but for quite personal reasons... my parents both moved very far away from their families at a young age and therefore we have never lived near any relatives at all. I have seen my cousins maybe once a decade if that.

I don't have any emotional attachments to my aunts/uncles/cousins etc... to me they are just random people.

So I have to confess I do find it strange when people spend all their time with relations but only because I never ever have.

BTW my relatives all live in this country, as do I but both of my parents were the 'unexpected later baby' of their respective families, so they were not especially close to any siblings because of the massive age gaps. Maybe this is why 'Family' is not a big thing to them?

pozzled · 08/06/2011 20:05

I think the amount of time is perfectly normal, but I don't think you should have to commit to a day. I would try to go for a semi-regular arrangement, where you see them say most Tuesdays. But every now and again, ask them to do a different day which suits you both, with plenty of notice. That way you won't feel you have to turn down anything that happens on 'their' day.

I would also insist that your DH occasionally takes the DC round to his parents on a weekend. If your MIL is hard to spend time with, it isn't fair that he leaves it all to you.

KateBC · 08/06/2011 20:05

My ILs used to have DS for a few hours on the weekend, and the occaisional overnighter (when i did sleepover shifts at work and DH was working late), but for the last couple of months i have been signed off with SPD so they have him for one day and an overnighter a week (usually). I love that DS has a great relationship with his GPs, he sees my parents about 4 days a week too! But i live on a teeny island, so its easier for me

WhoAteMySnickers · 08/06/2011 20:05

YABU.

glassofwhiteanybody · 08/06/2011 20:05

I think people are being a bit quick to say that once a week isn't excessive. I still think it depends on the circs.

ShowOfHands · 08/06/2011 20:06

You know how you feel about your children? How you would walk into traffic for them, how your heart aches just to think about them? That's how your MIL feels about your dh and those grandchildren are an extension of that. One day your beautiful, brave, wonderful boys will get married and have babies and God will you love them. A weekly visit to them won't feel like enough at all but a lovely, gracious DIL who welcomes you when you go will really help you feel involved. Do this for them, it's fabulous that they love them. It's such a shock how much you love your grandchildren. It's so bound up in the way you feel about your own children and it's a second chance to watch somebody you just adore grow up.

I see my parents at least weekly (they spend Thursdays here, plus we visit them a couple of times a week) and we see ILs as often as possible. I have lunch with MIL at least once a week and we go to theirs most weekends. DD benefits an extraordinary amount from having an extended family who adores her.

glassofwhiteanybody · 08/06/2011 20:06

Agree with pozzled - that is good advice

StayFrosty · 08/06/2011 20:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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