Is it 'normal' for IL to visit GC once week?

[addictedtofrazzles]

sounds weird when i read it back but I need some perspective...

IL's are obsessed by their grandsons (2.5 years and 11 months). She drives me nuts.

Husband wants them to have one afternoon a week to play with them etc.

I feel trapped and cross as no one I know has thus binding sort of arrangement.

Aibu?

Much the best to leave her to it then and not watch! If they are OK alone make themost of it!

She does sound odd, but not a danger to the children, so I absolutely agree about leaving them to it. In fact, it might be a great opportunity to book a weekly class of your own doing something you've wanted to do for ages.

Are you able to choose what day / time of day?

We tend to be out and about doing things every morning, and I would hate to be committed to a regular morning/lunch slot with inlaws, as that would get in the way of other plans.

But the afternoon/early evening routine is pretty consistent, pretty much 100% at home from lunchtime onwards - DD (2) naps from about 1.30-3.30 while I do chores & entertain DS (4), then we do some playing in the garden together, then tea, then some playing inside, then baths. Actually having an extra pair of hands (or two) would be nice one afternoon a week.

But I would hate to have a morning 'tied up' once a week.

SHOWOFHANDS, I think i love you :o

Could you not drop them off at their house one afternoon a week and leave them to it?

Or nip to the supermarket without kids while they're at yours?

Believe me once you get into a routine of having a few child free hours a week you really appreciate them.

Sounds like she'd prefer to have them to herself anyway.

Sounds fine to me but then my MIL's first comment on being told of impending Grandson was " Huh ... Well, don't ask me to babysit! " so in truth I'm a bit jealous .

im not especially close with my mum in the sense of seeing each other regularly maybe twice a month at a push and the family in law live down south so DD doesnt see much of her extended family. i love having my mum up and so does DH but we both hate when his mum visits, whilst she and i get on for about half an hour after that we have nothing to talk about so if i was in your shoes i'd say no yanbu if you have nowt in common with the woman you shouldnt be expected to give up your time to entertain her when she could take GC at her home and give you and your OH time for yourselves

As they are still so young asking the GP's if they'd watch the children one afternoon a week, while you do those house work jobs that are tricky with lively toddlers around makes sense to me! I hate having a hot iron on in the same room as a toddler for example. Or you could use the time to do the supermarket shop - another "hotspot" for Mums of littlies. I bet the kids would far rather an hour in the park with their Gran than a tescos queue!

It doesn't sound to me as if you resent their love for their grandparents, rather that you are expected to "entertain". I've yet to meet a Granny that objected to their daughter in law scrubbbing the oven/getting the iron out etc to make a nice home for her darling son and grandkids ; ) It just takes a bit of nerve to ask at first.

Show em where the kettle is, don your marigolds and go scrub the oven/bleach the loo/trim the privet hedge etc. They can even take the kids out for an hour to the nearest park to help avoid any bleach smells. It sounds as if they'd LOVE to feel genuinely useful & that they were contributing summat. Honestly as a lone parent this is how I use rellies when they visit and NOONE has ever objected!

Nowadays (son is school age) I get them to hear my lad read/help him with his maths/explain WHY my rules on bedtime etc make sense as opposed to his playground buddy who is allowed to play in the street till 10 pm etc. A grandparent that can back you up on the discipline/morals front is worth their weight in gold as kids get older and peer pressure kicks in you'll discover. It's only as an adult I understand just how good for me those phone calls where I rang my Gran to moan about my Mum & Dad's "unfair rules" as a tween and Gran persuaded me round to Mum's way of thinking were.

When I was little we lived across the road from my paternal grandparents, so I saw them most days as I would call at their house even if my parents didn't, or they would be in the garden or the street. And their back garden shared a fence with my school so I could talk to them at break times if they were in the garden.

We saw my maternal grandmother twice a week, we would visit her on Wednesdays after school and alternate Saturdays we would go to her house or she would come to ours. She lived about 15 minutes away on the bus with some very busy roads between us.

LO sees my parents about three times a week, because they babysit while I work.

PIL's are estranged at the moment so we don't see them. If things were normal I wouldn't object to taking LO to see them once or twice a week, (which I suspect would still not be good enough for them given the issues that we have which have helped to cause the estrangement). And it wouldn't be a fixed "we see you every Tuesday from 2pm to 6pm" or anything, more of a "are you free this afternoon, we will pop in/would you like to come over" kind of a thing that varied. As they don't work or have other commitments this flexible approach isn't impossible.

But I don't think there is any such thing as 'normal' when it comes to families and you would have to consider a lot of things. Who works and when? Who lives where? How well you get along? Who comes to whose house? How long you/they stay? Is it convenient for everyone? Would you drop the children off and leave or stay and visit too? Would you like them to come to your house while you go out and do the shopping in peace etc? Are they happy to vary the day they visit?

Not every family will need or want to consider all of those and other families will consider other things I haven't thought of.

But I don't think it is too unreasonable for them to see your children once a week as long as you can all agree on how rigid or flexable the arrangement is and as long as your DH is happy to do his share to make it work for you, your children and his parents.

I wish my DS could see his dad's family one afternoon a week! But unfortunately DP is either too busy doing shit he could just say no to or his mum is working, so he barely ever sees them

I don't see how it's "binding" to have a loose arrangement for a visit every week? I do the same with my parents, we basically have a standing "I'll come and visit unless there are circumstances meaning we can't" every Saturday. It's not binding you, you don't have to send him/go to theirs. Unless they are insisting that, in which case they might be being a bit U.

Talk to them! Try to sort something out that's okay for you all!

My DSs see my parents twice a week, usually. Mondays and Fridays after school. We go to their house as my father isn't well and it is just easier. The advantage is that if I have had enough we can pack up and go (I don't get on with my father but I don't want to make my mother suffer not seeing her GC because of him so we still visit) How would you feel about seeing your ILs at their house OP? It does give more control.

It is nice if the children can see their GP - mine either died or lived too far away when I was a child, same for DH and we both were keen that if possible the children should see at least one set regularly. Unfortunately, DH's parents live a long way away so don't get to the boys as often but we are trying to convince them to move and I know part of the bargaining for this is that we would make the effort to see them regularly which is fine by me.

There are no arrangements made with my parents, we just turn up. If we get a better offer one day we make our apologies and don't go. I don't deliberately make arrangements to clash with the visits but on the other hand if the DSs are asked round to friends for tea and they can only do Monday or Friday I don't say no. Sometimes it is me who has to go out in the evening and says I can't go because there won't be time to fit a visit in.

I say see them. The children are little and won't be for much longer. When school starts perhaps that will give you a chance to scrap the arrangement (not enough time, children too tired/busy etc). Or make it fortnightly if you want - I don't think that is particularly unreasonable. If your DH wants your DC to see them more perhaps he can deal with a weekend visit and leave you out of it completely.

I wouldn't want to commit to a weekly routine, I would have an adhoc arrangement (that can be arranged a couple of weeks in advance so not last minute, rather than something weekly with a regular time and drop the kids at their house so you get some time to yourself rather than have them come round.
I work though, so don't have endless free afternoons to entertain people, and when I'm not working am doing stuff. Dropping them off for a couple of hoursa a week may give you some free time though. Them coming to your house sounds daft, unless they live miles away and driving them there would be time consuming for you. If they are supposed to be looking after the kids let them make their own cups of tea and go out shopping or do your own stuff. I would make it clear you don't want to "entertain" for an afternoon a week and if they are coming to your house it's to see the kids and be helpful.
Seems odd that it's your husband pushing for this and not them.
My kids grandparents live miles away so every couple of months is the norm. I'd hate to be visited weekly, but did use childminders when kids younger and a nearby relative would have been useful if they were the sort of grandparent who'd let you drop the kids off and then just get on with looking after them, although at least childminders don't undermine you.

I feel quite sad for the grandparents when I read posts like this. I guess if I was a granny and had grandchildren living close by I'd want to see them regularly and I don't get this thing of the grandparents on the dad's side being seen as second class citizens, compared to the maternal grandparents. Unless of course they have done something really terrible.

Once a week seems perfectly reasonable as long as there's a bit of flexibility. I'd give anything for my children to still have a grandparent who could take them out for an hour or so once a week. We've sometimes had a loose arrangement where we saw grandparents on a particular day, but it's always been flexible on both sides.

Some people seem to see grandparents just as a source of free babysitting, I'm not sure what's wrong with them coming round and having a cup of tea, even if they don't always take them out. My MIL used to babysit, but she's no longer physically up to it, but I'd still be happy to have her come round and see them at home. My dad has never really babysat, at most he took them out for an hour in the pram, but dd2 loves going to visit him and gets him to read to her.

I think that's really odd about the holiday sleeping arrangements (her wanting to sleep in the same room as your DS1). My MIL also seems to think that if one of mine hurts themselves she is the one they will want to go to.

So I definitely wouldn't commit to one day a week as a set in stone arrangement. That said, agree with posters who suggest leaving her with them/encouraging her to take them out. That way you do get some time to yourself and there is less likely to be conflict as you are letting her be in charge while you are not there.

I think if you like your husband's parents and want to spend an afternoon a week with them then that's fine, but I do find the idea of little wifey having to make cups of tea and be a good little housewife and entertain her husband's parents weekly whether she wants to or not whilst her husband is busy with his important job very sexist and patronising.
In general I prefer my husband's relatives to visit when he is here, they're his relatives not mine. I'd have been happy to drop kids off with nearby relatives if I thought they were good at looking after them, and they and the kids would enjoy it and if I didn't have plans, but I'm not going to simper and make polite conversation and make endless cups of tea 1 afternoon every week.
You can play at being 1950s housewives if you want.

I agree 2rebecca unless you really get on with thepils it should be mostly dh who is there for the visit. I have huge pil issues but am always mindfull that they are dh'd folks and he loves them,wouldnt want ot be with a man who didmt tbh. I would kill for just one afternoon aweek tho,mine live away and come univited for days and dont help and expect food and drinks and dont really pay an awfull lot of attention to the children. I think they jsut like alittle holiday and some waiting on.Since my last pg with dd now 18wks,i stopped being at their bec and call and suggested they may like to help themselves to tea and coffees,this has caused some hostility so dh now makes sure hes on days off when they come. Its a juggling act to keep everyone happy if you dont get on with pils,i am also a mil and gma and adore my dil,we are very similar and closeish in age but my pils are formal,lazy and have no sense of humour and i am the opposite.

btw,mine dont offer to even hold the baby whilst i eat a meal and they have finished very odd.

I get phone calls from my ds saying "your granddaughter hasn't seen you for 3 days and is wondering where you are!" so I can't complain about access. But perhaps it is difficult for those who aren't grandparents to recognise the difference between obsession and the love that you feel for your grandchildren. However, I also had a mil who I found rather heavy weather and I wish she'd lived closer since that way she could have had plenty of time with her grandchildren without the need for a formal visit of the sort that involved sitting on the sofa being plied with tea and awkward conversation. So I'd advise changing the format of these visits or perhaps take them round to the grandparents if this is practical. Only wanting to see your grandchildren once a week is hardly obsessive.

IME it's much better for all concerned if grandparents entertain grandchildren in their own homes.

the only thing with that is that they do need their own toys,cot etc.my gs is viviting today and i have 2dds,he does like their toys but misses his cars and bikes etc.I have a garage and cars for him but i cant have too much i dont have the room.