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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it 'normal' for IL to visit GC once week?

95 replies

addictedtofrazzles · 08/06/2011 19:47

sounds weird when i read it back but I need some perspective...

IL's are obsessed by their grandsons (2.5 years and 11 months). She drives me nuts.

Husband wants them to have one afternoon a week to play with them etc.

I feel trapped and cross as no one I know has thus binding sort of arrangement.

Aibu?

OP posts:
usualsuspect · 08/06/2011 20:11

If loving your grandchildren and wanting to spend time with them is being obsessed,then

I'm guilty as charged

RedHotPokers · 08/06/2011 20:11

YAB a bit U.

My parents live over an hour away. Approx once a month either they come to stay with us or we go to stay with them. DD also goes ot stay with them for a few days each school holiday. They LOVE spending time with their GCs, and I LOVE the fact that my DCs have such a good relationship with them, despite the distance.

If they lived nearer, I'm sure we would see them at least one afternoon a week.

InTheNightKitchen · 08/06/2011 20:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RhinestoneCowgirl · 08/06/2011 20:12

The issue sounds to me to be more about that you feel 'dumped' with entertaining your in-laws, rather than about the amount of time they spend with their GC. Would they be up for having the children at their house?

I'd love my children to see their GPs more often (yes, even the in-laws!) but there are hundreds of miles of motorways in the way.

Original poster
addictedtofrazzles · 08/06/2011 20:13

Some really useful feedback ladies - I really thank you. Showofhands your post has made me cry (am a hormonal wreck - af 3 days late...but that's a whole different thread! And perhaps I will put my reaction down to those too?!). Thank you all xx

OP posts:
TarkaLiotta · 08/06/2011 20:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

exexpat · 08/06/2011 20:14

I think you might have got different responses if you had put it as 'is it reasonable for me to have to spend one afternoon a week entertaining my in-laws when DH isn't there (and doesn't want to be)' rather than asking whether it is normal for grandparents to see the grandchildren once a week.

I think the latter is normal/reasonable, but the former may not be.

olibeansmummy · 08/06/2011 20:17

Sounds just the right amount to me!

NinthWave · 08/06/2011 20:18

ShowOfHands that is such a lovely post. As the mother of two boys with my own parents/ILs not living locally, I agree with every word.

Librashavinganotherbiscuit · 08/06/2011 20:21

I think you are being unreasonable about thinking that once a week is excessive for GP to see their GC, I do not think you are being unreasonable about not wanting to be tied down every week to the same time/day.

Abelia · 08/06/2011 20:24

Not necessarily excessive, (and better if you can leave them, don't do tea and entertaining!) but I would find it irritating to have a set afternoon that must happen every week without fail. If something nice comes up that clashes, will there be flexibility for the GPs to miss "their" slot, or to move it to another day?

That's what would worry me, that somehow you get tied in and then they get totally possessive about their day and offended if it has to be changed now and again.

PatriciatheStripper · 08/06/2011 20:24

Is anyone really insisting on it being so inflexible? I would imagine that it would be a mutually convenient arrangement, that would vary a bit sometimes. Depends on locations and transport, perhaps.

exoticfruits · 08/06/2011 20:27

You don't have to be there all the time. Make the most of them and leave them to it and go to the supermarket etc. You are wasting a huge resource! Send them all out to the park and catch up with some housework or have a rest. Drop them around their house for a couple of hours and go out.
(I do find it peculiar that people think DH should take them, as if you are not part of the family!)

exoticfruits · 08/06/2011 20:28

Don't get a routine.

Allinabinbag · 08/06/2011 21:00

Why on earth can't you get into a routine of having the GP's over one afternoon a week, it's really a short amount of time given you have four and a half other days to do whatever you like. As for having to be the one to entertain, well, if you are at home in the day, surely you will be the one in when they arrive, if your husband is home in the day, he could do it. My husband also finds his parents a bit tricky, so I actually prefer hosting them, much less stress for him, then he does the same with my rather difficult relations. But one afternoon a week for family is really nothing, we spend every Sunday at my grandparents and my other granny came for 3/4 week visits a few times a year, I loved spending time with them and think it's sad if you can't help sort that out.

ticklebug74 · 08/06/2011 21:11

What I would give to have grandparents close by, my parents are a 24 hour flight away and inlaws 2&1/2 hour drive away. My DC miss out on so much. Grandparents have so much to give. Send them my way - I will happily make them tea so my DC could spend some time with a different generation. I think you are being a little unreasonable.

JemimaMop · 08/06/2011 21:18

Once a week seems fine to me. When my DC were that age they saw my mum for two whole days a week (she looked after them while I was at work) and my inlaws took them out one afternoon a week and we took them over to see them most Sunday afternoons. Now the DC are all school age my mum still comes over two afternoons a week and picks them up from school. DH pops over to the inlaws with them one night after school (and FIL helps DS1 with his piano practice) and we see them either for lunch or a walk most Sundays.

I think it is great that the DC spend so much time with their extended family.

However I was never expected to entertain the ILs, they always took the DC out to give me a break when they were little. Can this be suggested as an alternative?

WhereYouLeftIt · 08/06/2011 21:19

What exexpat said.

TBH, we tend to see my PIL maybe fortnightly, but it's not a set thing, moves around depending on what we are all doing. Sometimes they come to us, or we go to them. And I enjoy their company. Weekly, I might find it a bit of a bind.

freddy05 · 08/06/2011 21:22

I personally think that one afternoon a week is too much if you think it is. Life is very busy and time has to be used well for the physical and mental health of the family. If your DH wants them to have one afternoon a week is he there to organise it or is he putting requirements on you? We have a rule in our house, The hours that DH works are also the hours that I work, I don't tell him what to do at work and he doesn't tell me what to do at home. If I spend hours with my friends or walking around shops or watching telly thats my business aslong as the agreed tasks (childcare, meals and ironing) are done.

I moved 100 miles away from my family at he age of 18 because i needed my space, I had grown up in a town surrounded by 'family' and I hated it. The every sunday and after school monday and friday trips to see my grandparents drove me insane. I much prefered the realtionship we had with my other grandparents that was 'special occasions' and 'oh we haven't seen you in a while do you fancy coming over'. Sadly for me, due to work situations, we are stuck down the road from my inlaws. This has lead to many years of them expecting to drop in all the time and be here all the time however many times we have said that is not the relationship we want to have with them. We couldn't have been clearer, and we see them far more regularly when they respect our wishes than when they drift back to demanding time every week but they still expect more than we want to give because they are up the road. I worry greatly that eventually we will move away so as to solve the problem and that would be really sad.

If your DH wants them to come he should sort it and be there to do the work.

pranma · 08/06/2011 21:23

I see my dgc at least twice most weeks and their other grandparents see them as often as they can.It's called love.....I am so glad I always feel welcome.

cuttingpicassostoenails · 08/06/2011 21:24

I would give my eye teeth to see my grandchild once a week....or even once a month.

brightermornings · 08/06/2011 21:29

My ds (16) and dd(9) stay over at my ex-inlaws every friday. They love there GP's and I think it's important for them to have a good relationship with them.

squeakytoy · 08/06/2011 21:38

You only have a few years of your kids being dependent on you. Grandparents are an invaluable help as your children get older and you are comfortable with them taking the kids off your hands for days/weekends/school holidays.. so be careful not to push them away now, and end up regretting it in a few years when you really could do with their help.

nometime · 08/06/2011 21:41

One afternoon a week is not excessive and when the boys start at school things will come to a natural end / change anyway.

As somebody else said make it most Tuesdays (or whatever afternoon) with the flexibility to change occasionally. Why not use the time to occasionally go into town without DS's and do some boring things that take three times as long with children in tow / or could you go to the gym for an hour or something?

Stop stressing and keep it light, rise above it. Just think would you be so stressed if a friend said to get together one afternoon a week?

youarekidding · 08/06/2011 21:45

My DS sees my parents a few times a month. He sees his other GM about 5 hrs once a year.

He didn't see much of my parents the first 2 yrs as we lived abroad. Now we're in UK ex-Ils are abroad hence 5 hours.

Sad thing is ex-MIL couldn't be bothered with time with DS when she had the chance and I honestly think she regrets it now. Sad

I often think DS misses out somehow on only really knowing 1 set of GP when they're both alive iyswim?

Grandparents are great - it's easy when you have GC for a few hours to play and entertain them endlessly but I find RL gets in the way of me doing this with DS. Its 3/4 hours of pure undivided and devoted attention for them.

Also SoH post made me weep a little tear too.