Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it 'normal' for IL to visit GC once week?

95 replies

addictedtofrazzles · 08/06/2011 19:47

sounds weird when i read it back but I need some perspective...

IL's are obsessed by their grandsons (2.5 years and 11 months). She drives me nuts.

Husband wants them to have one afternoon a week to play with them etc.

I feel trapped and cross as no one I know has thus binding sort of arrangement.

Aibu?

OP posts:
skybluepearl · 08/06/2011 21:48

we come from large familys and the kids do not see grandparents weekly. IL's aren't interested and my parents live too far away. I think you should go by how you feel. If once a week feels too often then it is too often. I'd love to see my own mum more often and i know she would love to be more apart of the kids lives. The IL's are a different matter though.

exoticfruits · 08/06/2011 21:52

Why on earth can't you get into a routine of having the GP's over one afternoon a week, it's really a short amount of time given you have four and a half other days to do whatever you like

I didn't mean don't see them! Just don't get a routine of a set day. An afternoon a week is very little, I think that you would get cheesed of as a grandparent is your DIL thought it to much.
Having said that you might like to have a set day when you go out.

The DCs are plenty old enough to leave some of the time.

exoticfruits · 08/06/2011 21:55

I'd love to see my own mum more often and i know she would love to be more apart of the kids lives. The IL's are a different matter though.

This is so unfair-I can't believe people do it. Both lots are equal relationship to the DCs. It doesn't really matter how you feel.

FreudianSlipper · 08/06/2011 21:59

why do you want to deny such a wonderful and important relationship not jsut for them but for your children too, relax, what is the need to have stringent plans put in place and enjoy the time to yourself

my mum sees ds once a week, used to be more and they love there time together. nothing is more important to my mum than ds, i share the same view so fien with that :) and she spoils him, not too much but that is what nanny and granddads are for. he does not get to see his other granny much as she lives in scotland but she gets down as often as she can

exoticfruits · 08/06/2011 22:10

They actually seem very nice, I thought from OP they were stifling you-not one measly afternoon a week!

jellybeans · 08/06/2011 22:15

It was too much for me but my ILs were totally agressive, rude and overbearing. We reduced it to about once every 3 weeks which is much better and now we all get on quite well.

exoticfruits · 08/06/2011 22:23

There is an easy get out if you don't want to spend the time yourself. Just say 'could you come around every Thurs afternoon and I can get out to the supermarket without them' and leave them to it. I found it very usefulfor PIL to babysit at my house, it even meant that we could go away for a night, they knew the routines and how everything worked-and the DCs loved it. Failing that, drop the DCs around at their house. Most people want more babysitting -not less!

Playdohinthewashingmachine · 08/06/2011 22:31

I suppose it depends what they do with their one afternoon a week, really.

My parents would come and sit on my sofa and talk about themselves and wait to be served drinks and food. They would give the children several large bags of presents and then ignore them. The children would get bored and wander off to play. My parents would continue to sit on the sofa and talk about themselves - I'd be expected to sit listening. That'd last about 3 hours, sometimes without them managing to even speak to each of the children. They would regard this 3-hour sofa-fest as "seeing our grandchildren".

Now your ILs don't sound quite as bad as that but it's hard to tell. I say all this because most of the posters on this thread are imagining two lovely grandparents turning up and spending the afternoon playing and talking with your children while you get a break. How they behave is a big factor in whether weekly visits are reasonable or not!

But I do think that if you are expected to be there, "entertaining" for the duration of the visit, then the visits need to take place at the weekends quite often, so that you can go out and your dh can do the job. He really shouldn't be expecting you to do something that he isn't prepared to do himself.

vintageteacups · 08/06/2011 22:37

On a day when it doesn't suit you, just call them and say "ooh, sorry, can't make today, can we make it [free day] instead?

exoticfruits · 08/06/2011 22:53
  1. I thought OP IL were besotted with the grandchildren so would want to pay them attention.
  2. OP has two DSs so she will one day be the dreaded MIL, too dreadful for her DIL to see, except from duty or have to see them when her DH can fit it in ,'because they are his parents.

What goes around comes around IMO. If your DSs get the idea that you are friends with PIL and they are an important part of the family, they far more likely to treat you as part of the family,when they have their own. Take the grudging attitude of 'I suppose we have to put up with them' and you will find that happening to you as a grandmother (especially as you have boys).

Mackrelmint · 08/06/2011 22:57

Wow, well op if yab as u as all these commenters seem to think then I am vvu! Luckily my ILs are at the other end of the country but I think it would drive me mad if we saw them every week. I just find them stressful albeit perfectly nice people.

Perhaps because I grew up with only one relative (grandad) in the country, who we saw maybe 3x a year, i have a diffeent view of extended family perhaps to those who had a lot of contact with theirs.

I do get what people are saying about gc relationships and so on but totally empathise with you as well for finding this current arrangement a pain.

Don't think you are being so terribly u to not want to be tied down to this arrangement and if it were me I'd explain to dh and ask him to negotiate something more suitable with them.

Someone mentioned how you should be a nice welcoming dil for the gps - well yes that wld be lovely but it's much easier to be welcoming and cheerful if you feel like the arrangement suits you as well as them and is not just imposed on you.

realhousewifeofdevoncounty · 08/06/2011 22:59

Haven't read whole thread, but I think YAB a bit U. For the first few weeks/months even, of dd's life, my mum saw my dd nearly every day as obviously I'm off work and she works just round the corner from me, and we are close. However my dp's mum has seen her much less, as my dp doesn't make the effort with his mum as much as I do, and I feel a bit sorry for her as this is the only gc she has living locally and she dotes on her. We get on well, and occasionally she will contact me to ask to come round etc, but naturally I am more inclined to be in touch with my own mum more.

I think it is nice that your dh and ILs are making an effort to ensure your dcs have a close relationship with their grandparents. My paternal grandparents were always living close by but they never made much effort to see me regularly and consequently I am not as close to them as I were my other grandparents.

exoticfruits · 08/06/2011 23:00

I still don't understand why they need to impose and why she can't have it to suit her.Drop the DSs at IL, go shopping, hairdressers whatever. Go back, have a quick cup of tea-go home. Everyone happy! Simple.Smile

blackeyedsusan · 08/06/2011 23:55

it sounds like it is not that they want to see their gc, it is because it is imposed on you and you have to entertain them. i think you would feel differently if dh took the children to see gps....

it seems a lot to see them for an afternoon every week, 25% of you free time... 50% if your parents have the same visiting routine.. then the rest of the weekend catching up on housework?

do you get much time to be with dh and the children on your own to do fun stuff?

whizzylala · 09/06/2011 02:37

My MIL also drives me nuts and you have my complete sympathy on this. However much she loves my DCs I would hate the thought of a formal arrangement like this as I would spend my week dreading that one afternoon. When DD was new my DH told her she could come and stay whenever and I had to tell him I wasn't happy to do this unless he was around too as I don't find her easy company. He cooled off his open house policy then.
I don't think people with irritating MIL know how it feels... So whilst I agree they're not obsessed I don't think YABU in these circumstances.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 09/06/2011 02:46

Honestly, one afternoon a week isn't the issue, it's the fact that your husband doesn't like his own Mum and yet expects you to entertain her every week that's the problem.

My Mum has my daughter (2.5) one afternoon a week, but she goes to her house. It's DD's favourite part of the week, because they do lovely crafts and go to the park or swimming and read books and she just gets lavished with attentionm and they're so close, it's lovely. And it's great for me, because I know there's always a third person around whom my daughter is very comfortable with, who can look after her if need be without separation issues, etc. If MIL lived closer, we'd adore it if they had the same arrangement - I grew up without grandparents, and it feels like a shame.

But having someone whom I don't like much come over once a week and it's my problem to entertain them? That's a bit different. Can you or DH drop the kids off at his parents instead?

snailoon · 09/06/2011 04:46

I wouldn't want to see my IL's once a week or once a month for that matter. They are controlling, self-absorbed narrow minded people. I wouldn't want to leave children with them. My husband feels the same (more so). Not everyone is lovely. Maybe these GP's aren't.

blueberrysorbet · 09/06/2011 05:33

i didn't have gp's so can't comment - am a bit like tasteslikepanda.. however if it was mine, have to make special effort not to stress about being tied down one afternoon, and get it to suit me- will they come from 2-4 or something? just make them tea, get out the biscuits, play for a bit, get them to help with scrapbooks, find something they are interested in.

or one afternoon you take one dc swimming or then the other? or gps' come and help pooliside or in the pool? so you get time with your children on their own, this could be a great help.
make it fun, its the only way. they won't be young and strong forever and at least they come to you!

i am dreadful about being made to commit, but i have had to learn not to stress about getting stressed and bite the bullet. do they have lots of pics and stories about dh? that might be interesting and fun for the dc's now and when older.

Bonsoir · 09/06/2011 05:37

It is perfectly reasonable for GPs to offer to have GCs over once a week and to look after them while parents have a break! But totally unreasonable for GPs to think they are going to come over and be entertained by their DIL while they admire the GCs from a distance!

KaraStarbuckThrace · 09/06/2011 05:41

Yes I agree Bonsoir!

OP - thing to do is to turn it around on your DH - how would he feel having to entertain your parents, while they ostensibly spend time with their gcs but expecting him to wait hand and foot on then?

I think I may well be inclined though to say yep c'mon over. Then when they get here "you know where everything is, off out to shop/visit friend/go to appointment/gym back in a couple of hours". How would they react to this?

controlpantsandgladrags · 09/06/2011 06:50

I don't think a once a week visit is unreasonable, but I do think you should leave them to entertain the DC whilst you catch up with the housework or sneak off and read a book Smile Next time they come round just say "you don't mind if i just xxxxx do you? I haven't had a chance yet....."

My DC only see both sets of grandparents every 6 weeks or so because they don't live locally. I would love for them to see more of each other.

Bonsoir · 09/06/2011 07:06

The Golden Rule of Successful Grandparenting: Do Not Create Extra Work For Your Children

Dozer · 09/06/2011 07:19

Playdoughinthewashingmachine, that sounds awful! Agree with bonsoir.

Sometimes gps who talk about their grandkids and seem besotted are actually of the sofa-type!

Original poster
addictedtofrazzles · 09/06/2011 07:32

Thanks again for all the responses. I think perhaps it is more about how I feel about her and I dread having to see her very week. She is wonderful with the gc and I can defo leave them to it - In Fact I think they would prefer the time alone.

She is odd and obsessive - she has built a cot in her room for DS's to stay in (we have only spent 3 nights there in the last 3 years) and when on holiday insisted that she wanted to sleep in a room on her own with DS1 (before ds2 came along) so they could spend time together. If they cry because they are hurt she will take them out of my arms because she thinks she can comfort them better??? If she comes over she brings baby puree meals to give to DC when both eat 'normal' food and we have a fridge full of it. She buys me baby catalogues and highlights the 'dummies reduce SIDS" pages when ds1 has stopped using one at 2 yo and ds2 sucks his thumb.

Anyway, you are all right and will chat to dh tonight to make weekly arrangements :)

OP posts:
CamperFan · 09/06/2011 07:49

showofhands, so very true! OP, YABU

Swipe left for the next trending thread