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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In not really understanding why some couples have mine and yours money?

127 replies

lesley33 · 30/03/2011 11:29

What I mean is couples who don't share money but instead agree a contribution each partner pays towards joint expenses. I knew a couple where the wife earned more and so could afford top, and did, go on expensive holidays that her husband couldn't afford.

Unless one of the couple is seriously terrible with money, why wouldn't you just share money to benefit the whole family? By family I mean the parents and children.

OP posts:
nocake · 30/03/2011 11:31

If that's the way they prefer to work (and we do) then it's entirely up to them and nothing to do with you.

CMOTdibbler · 30/03/2011 11:33

Because they are happy that way - its all you need to know

Ephiny · 30/03/2011 11:35

For us it's because we initially had similarly paid jobs, then I quit mine to do something I found more interesting and enjoyable but for about 1/3 of the pay. I still pay 'my half' of everything, and it's important to me to do that, it wouldn't sit well with my self-respect to expect DP to support me and subsidise my lifestyle choices just because we happen to sleep together. He probably would tbh, but I won't let him, it doesn't seem fair.

He almost certainly will end up paying for most/all of the childcare when needed though as I won't be able to afford to...though to be fair he wants a child more than I do!

TheSmallPrint · 30/03/2011 11:35

We do that and have done since before we were married. I like to think I can do what I want with the money I've earned without having anyone question what I spend - and I have seen that happen a lot when it's in a joint account.

I wouldn't go off on holiday without my DH though just becasue he didn't have enough money - that is one of the things we consider a joint expense so will come out of the joint account.

kreecherlivesupstairs · 30/03/2011 11:35

I too find it odd, me and DH have always had a joint account (except when we lived in Thailand in case I cleaned him out, banks decision not his).
I haven't worked for ten years so my contributing to the pot is out of the question. He has never mentioned it.
I do know a couple who borrow money off each other, say 5 euros, then remind the other to pay it back. Different strokes for different folks, but it would not suit us.

AbsDuCroissant · 30/03/2011 11:35

The example you give is a bit weird TBH, though I know a couple in a similar position (one can afford fancy holidays etc. and the other can't, so either they don't go or one pays for both, and it causes resentment). DP and I don't have DCs (so this may change) but we don't "share" money. We both contribute to joint expenses, and then the rest of what we earn is for us to do with as we like. We don't even have a shared bank account - we just split paying for stuff and the refund as necessary. However, this works for us because we earn almost the same salary (I could see having to change this arrangement if suddenly one of us had to stay at home or couldn't work for whatever reason, or took a massive pay cut etc. etc.). Also, we've both been earning our own money for a number of years now and it would be odd (to me at least) to hand all my cash over, even if it's shared.

So, I think YABU for not understanding, as there are many (IMO) legitimate reasons for having "yours and mine" money.

manfromCUK · 30/03/2011 11:36

We do it so there's no need for "discussions" about personal expenditure items. At the moment I earn more so I pay a larger share of joint expenditure - after that anything else is mine to spend on my clothes and daft books/music/DVDs/hobbies that DP doesn't like.

We go on holiday as a family though.

upahill · 30/03/2011 11:36

I've never understood it either to be honest.
I follow my mum and dad's way and DH's parents were the same.

We both earn, in the past I have earned more than him and now he earns considerably more than me. I'm on a decent wage (atm waiting to see if I'm going to be made redundant) and he earns at least 3x more.

He has his buisness account and transfers a significant sum into every week and I put the majority of my wages there.

I put some of my wages into a savings account for both of us.

However I ask him for money which some people may be alarmed at but it is nothing bad. He usually has a load of cash on so rather than going to the bank I'll say have you got twenty quid I'm going out to lunch.

Money is not an issue for us. Either of us can have what we want when ever without the other keeping score.

Bogeyface · 30/03/2011 11:36

My parents are like this and while it isnt how DH and I work, I think each to their own. They each make a contribution to the bills etc and to their savings and keep the rest. They dont even know what the other one earns as my mother always refused to tell Dad saying it was none of his business!

But my Dad (the high earner) wouldnt go on a flash holiday on his own because my mother couldnt afford her half of the cost! They pick a holiday and pay for it out of their savings pro rata.

Seems a bit complicated if you ask me, and dont get me started on them "lending" each other money, but my mother is the control freaks control freak especially where money is concerned.

I think that what works for each family is fine, but living the high life while your OH sits at home unable to afford it is not on at all. The fun of a holiday or whatever, is doing it WITH your OH surely?!

kreecherlivesupstairs · 30/03/2011 11:36

Acually, my DH does go on holiday without me and DD. Every year he goes back to Thailand to scuba dive.
Me and DD do our own thing.

BigBadMummy · 30/03/2011 11:36

If that works for them, who are we to question it?

DH and I have a joint account for the mortgage, his salary goes in to it. My (similar amount) salary goes into my separate account. I pay for most other things on a daily basis.

If we go out for dinner he tends to pay.

It all works out in the end.

That works for us, but it won't work for everybody.

Why does that scenario bother you so much?

worraliberty · 30/03/2011 11:37

Money is just money in this house...always has been. But I do understand why some people keep it seperate.

DH and I are very similar in spending very little on ourselves, but some of our friends are always treating themselves to expensive handbags, shoes, golf equipment, fishing equipment etc....so they tend to have seperate accounts for that sort of thing.

Mumofaflump · 30/03/2011 11:38

Me and DF work like that. We have a joint account that we both contribute to which is where all our bills, household stuff and things we both want (Meals out together etc) come from. We also have our own accounts which pay for things like mobile phone contracts, clothes, personal treats like my shoe obsession and his PS3 games etc. This works best for us and has kept money arguments at a minimum for the 6 years we have lived together.

I can't understand how couples don't argue when all the money is lumped together!

AbsDuCroissant · 30/03/2011 11:38

Oh yes, I and I agree I wouldn't want to have to justify spaffing away money on stuff I want to, and likewise I don't think DP would want me periodically going "you spent HOW MUCH on a new suit?!" because that's not how we roll

Underachieving · 30/03/2011 11:39

YABU

It's not your business.

Bogeyface · 30/03/2011 11:43

Kreecher, is that because you dont want to go with him though? Is it your choice not to go?

My problem is that the wife in the OP is going alone because her DH cant afford what it would cost to go. Keeping money seperate is one thing, but refusing to treat your OH to holiday or something is taking it too far imo.

Ephiny · 30/03/2011 11:47

You can have separate finances and still have one partner paying for the other's holiday though, that seems like a separate issue to me (and I agree seems a bit odd).

We do go on some separate holidays though, nothing wrong with that in itself.

Quenelle · 30/03/2011 11:47

We've done this ever since there has been money left over after bills. Before that there was no point.

I'm happier not knowing how much DH spends on his interests. And I like not having to justify how much I spend on myself.

However, there is less point nowadays because there's not much money left over after bills to spend on ourselves.

kreecherlivesupstairs · 30/03/2011 11:49

bogey yes, I don't want to go with him. We spent four years living in Thailand and I loathe the seaside. DH works bloody hard so IMO he 'deserves' (wrong word) to have a fortnight doing what he wants to do.

Chil1234 · 30/03/2011 11:50

YABU not to understand. How about 'because some men are totally crap with money and will suck it all out of your joint account quicker than you can say 'all my worldly goods' '? I was always advised to keep a bit put by for myself and when my wonderful, fabulous, could trust with my life but was crap with money husband left me with a big fat mortgage to pay and an overdraft on the joint account to match, I was very pleased I had my own.

Don't judge other people until you've walked a mile in their shoes.

ZeroMinusZero · 30/03/2011 11:51

How strange that some have come on to say 'its none of your business'. The WHOLE POINT of mumsnet is to have conversations like this and to discuss each others opinions. Touched a raw nerve?

BikeRunSki · 30/03/2011 11:54

We each pay a similar percentage of what we earn in a joint expense account.

We have generally earnt withing +-£1000/year of each other, so it was never much of a big deal. We have to jiggle the percentage occasionally when something changes: mat pay, part time work etc.

DH is quite happy to spend £200 on a pair of handlebars, and £1000s on a bike. My priorities are different.

mamateur · 30/03/2011 11:54

We are both freelance, my accounts have to be audited, DP's don't. DP is zero rated for tax, I pay tax. We literally couldn't pool our money - I don't know my profit till the end of the year, DP only knows his profit at any given time so we pay in equal amounts into a joint account to pay for joint stuff. If I really wanted something but couldn't afford it I would tell ask him to pay for it and vice versa.

JaneS · 30/03/2011 11:56

It wouldn't work for me, personally. My ex took advantage financially and still owes me a significant amount of money, and it did make me nervous initially with DH. But my feeling is, I quite like my DH and wouldn't really enjoy spending on things if it meant he was scrimping and saving, and I think he feels the same way about me! Grin

MooMooFarm · 30/03/2011 11:56

YABU - Dh and I have our own accounts & joint accounts for household & family stuff. If one of us uses our 'own' account to buy something household-related it's no biggy and the other one doesn't have to pay them half - it's not an exact science and not about splitting everything 'fairly'.

It's mainly because if you only have joint accounts, I don't understand how you can buy anything without the other person knowing about it, and how much it cost. Which is a problem every time you want to buy a gift/surprise for your partner.

Don't understand why you care how other people manage your money though Confused