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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In not really understanding why some couples have mine and yours money?

127 replies

lesley33 · 30/03/2011 11:29

What I mean is couples who don't share money but instead agree a contribution each partner pays towards joint expenses. I knew a couple where the wife earned more and so could afford top, and did, go on expensive holidays that her husband couldn't afford.

Unless one of the couple is seriously terrible with money, why wouldn't you just share money to benefit the whole family? By family I mean the parents and children.

OP posts:

Original poster

lesley33 · 30/03/2011 14:56

"What happens though if one partner dies?"

I don't knwo what the legal situation is. But when my MIL died, the business account which both MIL and FIL ran was frozen. On the same day it was frozen FIL contacted bank and explained that he needed access to some of the account to run the business. Bank let him spend an amount that they deemed his share of the business while probate was sorted out.

Personally we have separate ISA's for tax purposes, so in an emergency we would raid these savings.

OP posts:

helendigestives · 30/03/2011 14:56

My ex, who earned four times what I earned, would expect us to pay equally (i.e. the same) towards food and evenings out. I tried to explain that I normally wouldn't shop at Waitrose/buy alcohol/go on day trips/have an evening out because I was very poor (on disability benefits), but he wanted equality, rather than fairness. [shrugs] It was infuriating and a massive contributing factor towards our split.

Me and DP are unmarried, rather poor, been living together for about eighteen months. From day one, 'my' money and 'his' money have just been 'our' money. Now we both check with the other about any big (more than £x) purchases and are just very open about how much money there is and what we can afford to spend. It works well for us.

Jenstar21 · 30/03/2011 14:57

We have our own accounts, and a joint 'house/living' account. We both put the same percentage of our salary in, which at the moment, is more from me than it is from him, and mortgage, bills, childcare, food, etc., all comes out of there. We also have a joint savings account for holidays, new car, etc. I like to have my own money where I can buy a handbag or shoes or something from, and knowing I still have that security of having some of my own money. He feels the same - can go out with the lads without worrying we'll not be able to afford petrol for the rest of the month or the like. It works for us, but we're not secretive about it....

EcoLady · 30/03/2011 14:59

DH and I pay the same proportion of our salaries into the joint account. That gets used for all household finances and family expenditure. The rest is our own, to do with as we wish. We have joint savings, that come from the joint account, and we have our own savings too. I recently spent my savings on a new car.

upahill · 30/03/2011 15:19

Those that have seperate accounts and are very patucular about 'mine and his' money how do you get on with weekend money?
You know the 'just because' money that you go and blow at a weekend having a laugh and having fun.

Because the majority of our money goes into a joint pot we can take a couple of hundred out for the weekend and have meals, go to gigs,and so on and not think about splitting bills or totting up who had what.

Ephiny · 30/03/2011 15:30

We just take turns to pay for things like meals out - more or less, no one is keeping track of who spent what exactly, just like 'oh you paid for x the other week, let me get this'.

Or if one of us 'invites' the other to something they wouldn't normally have gone to, then that person pays. e.g. if I drag DP along to a classical concert or something, then I'll buy his ticket. Often we go out and do things separately anyway though.

NotActuallyAMum · 30/03/2011 15:36

My parents are hilarious on this. They have set things that they each buy and will not budge on it. Typical conversation:

Dad: You owe me £6.40, I paid the paper bill this morning
Mum: Ah but I got your magazine yesterday, that was £1.45 so I only owe you £4.95

If either of them win anything on the lottery it's split exactly down the middle, even if it means one of them giving the other a penny change. They've been known to put a penny in the charity tin at the local shop "because we can't split that any more". I kid you not

DH and I laugh like drains at them (when we're out of earshot obviously!)

They're both 69, married 49 years

ENormaSnob · 30/03/2011 15:39

I prefer keeping our money seperate and paying 50/50 to bills etc.

It works for us.

upahill · 30/03/2011 15:39

Ephiny That just sounds like hard work!!
We usually like to plan in the week whose doing what at the weekend and see what films are on, what gigs are happening or decide if we want to go away. We don't 'invite' the other to an event and pay for them that seems bizarre. Some weekends we could be eating at Nandos other weekends we weekends we could be pushing the boat out so it wouldn't be fair if one person took it in turns to pay.

Not being critical - I'm just fascinated how differently people do things.

FabbyChic · 30/03/2011 15:42

I got married at aged 32 to someone who was not the father to my children.

We had seperate finances I earnt £200 a week more than him take home. He gave me £100 a week towards the house, worked for us whilst we were married for 7 years. The house was rented and was in my name only, so when we split he left with just his clothes. Why would he take what I had paid for, plus I had children.

ethelina · 30/03/2011 15:43

We've never had a joint account. Not needed one yet. Don't see a problem.

orangeeyebrows · 30/03/2011 15:48

we always say we are the same company so all bills/money get pooled

we take out without asking the other and share any savings

just easier that way

Ephiny · 30/03/2011 15:59

upahill, it isn't hard work unless you feel the need to keep track of every penny and make everything perfectly equal, which we don't! There isn't really any concept of things having to be 'fair' between us, we don't begrudge each other anything, it's just a case of being respectful and polite really by offering to pay when you feel like it's your 'turn'. It seems to work anyway.

By 'inviting' each other, I just mean if there's something one of us particularly wants to go to and is dragging the other along for company - surely not that unusual, most couples don't have exactly the same taste and interests?

To me it sounds like harder work to pool everything - I would feel I never knew how much money I had or would have by the end of the month, if someone else was accessing 'my' account. It's bad enough having direct debits coming out, which manage to take me by surprise somehow, especially the once a year ones like tv licence which gets me every time...

I guess it's a question of what you're used to though, and what works for your particular relationship.

vonnyh · 30/03/2011 16:19

We don't have a joint account. Never have had. Been together 19 years and it's never been an issue. Even when I was off on maternity leave, DH paid a sum into my bank account so i didn't have to ask for money. Works for us, and I don't think there is a "right2 way for couples to organise their money. It depends on the couple. If you have all money joint, it doesn't mean you're more "together" or "committed" than couples who have decided to do things differently.

ChorltonChick · 30/03/2011 20:59

This is an eye opener for me..I assumed most married couples would have joint finances. More fool me!

We once went on hols with couple who made each other pay back eg 5 euros for cigarettes etc.

I found it so embarrasing when they got going. Esp when settling the bill after a meal!!

redandyellowandpinkandgreen · 30/03/2011 21:14

I agree it's a bit pointless but we still do this. I would object to paying for his beer and fags! Thing is, if one of us is worse off than the other at any time we will pay for more things anyway so we might be better off just combining it, it just seems like a hassle.

I'm not sure I would like not having my own bank account.

notsohappymummy · 30/03/2011 23:02

bly hell!
Either you are a partnership or not!! If your partner,husband, shows signs of being tight , get rid!
love each other , share the good times and bad. BUT why don't you have a joint account for mutual bills AND separate accounts for personal use, presents to each other etc.
I work with women who have to account for every last penny to their husbands( Who then demand the best steak/beer/wine).
I have a joint account with my husband. I would like to have a separate account ONLY because I would like to be able to buy him surprise presents without him knowing. We pretend we don't know what we buy for each other. We met and married within a year I love him lots and I am a bit ped because I am sad tonight.
Sorry agaiin I am being a bit PMT tonight

zonkin · 30/03/2011 23:27

DH and I have been together for 22 years and got a joint account when we moved in together many years ago. Through the years one or the other of us has earnt more/supported the other through study, etc. We are a family unit and the money either of us bring in is family money and we make decisions as a unit.

We are married (19 years this year) and now have 3 DCs and I gave up work last year to become a SAHM. Other than having a lot less money for us to spend as a family DH doesn't expect me to account for what I have spent even tho technically he is earning it. We discuss any whim/friv/personal purchases over £100 but only to check there is enough money in the pot and the discussion is most definitely not to do with being "allowed" to spend money. We had those same discussions when I was working and bringing more than half our income.

From this thread it seems that it might not be the norm to do it the way we do but I can't imagine doing it any other way and nor would want to. Money = power and control. I wouldn't want to have power over/be powered by my partner.

Our direct debits are family costs. If I want to spend money on boots, so what? He spends money on guitar bits and pieces. As I mentioned earlier we only discuss the £100+ purchases.

sarahtigh · 30/03/2011 23:35

we are both self employed in different types of business you have to have separate accounts

we share some expenses 50/50 some I pay like the phone/broadband as I use landline most; some he pays like heating as he loves he house roasting I could get a thrid off the bill but he prefers it hot and is happy to pay

it works for us but joint accounts works for my sister and my parents so horses for courses but what i think is a bit annoying is when one party earns way more but still only pays 50% and other party has no spare money at all after bills and other hads loads like not being able to go on holiday with partner as can't afford it that is weird and looks for rocky relationship

CheerfulYank · 30/03/2011 23:40

It wouldn't work for us because I only work part time and make far less than DH. I take care of DS and everything else while he works, though, I just don't get paid for that!

If it works, great. One of my good friends did this for awhile and her DH was ridiculous about it though... "you owe me this much," etc. He has control issues, however. If he were normal it probably would have been fine :)

midlandsmumof4 · 30/03/2011 23:57

@ NotActuallyAMum-sounds very much like me & DH. Been together for 30 years & it WORKS. Horses for courses as the saying goes. Although not down to the penny..........

SlackSally · 31/03/2011 00:20

Our wages come into our own account, a certain amount (the majority) of that then goes into a joint account to pay mortgage, bills, food etc.

We keep the rest separate. This is because we have different priorities for 'fun' money. I have £20,000 of students debt that needs paying off, and I'm saving quite a lot at the moment as well. DP prefers to spend most of what he earns on books, music, gadgets etc.

I don't want to spend our lives with me feeling that he's spending my savings on what I consider to be 'toys' and equally, he wouldn't want to feel that I was (inwardly) tutting. Keeping it separate avoids this. Meals out and stuff are either split in cash (if just a casual bite) or paid for by one of us, usually to treat the other.

I don't see why it's such a negative thing that one partner is not held to ransom by their other half's expensive tastes.

I somehow don't think a man would get such an accepting reaction if they said 'oh ha ha, her money is mine and so is my money'.

Perhaps those that have a very relaxed attitude have plenty of money and so don't need to worry as much?

StrawberryTot · 31/03/2011 00:23

DP and I have been together 9 years and don't have a joint account but have our own seperate ones with the household bills coming out of both, they are not equally shared down the middle the majority are out of the DP's (i get the rent, my credit card and the car insurance, oddly as i can't drive the other half does the rest). We do however have access to each others online banking, cards and pin numbers and can freely take/ put in money as and when we want although out of respect for one another we do usually tell or discuss something if its an expensive buy. Lots of our friends find it odd but its worked for us and in all honesty i can't remember the last time we ever had an argument about money.

jen127 · 31/03/2011 14:44

I have an interesting spin on this topic. I earn approx 3x DH's salary. We met when he was 38 and I was 32 and he did not want to have a joint account.
We have an account where we both contribute the same amount for bills etc.
All other bills are paid by myself. If we are having a night out generally one of us gets the baby sitter and the other the meal / beers etc.
I love holidays and have no issues taking everyone and paying all the costs for this.
If we need totravel to his family for a do , he pays ( much smaller costs though does involve flights).
At first I didn't like this but I have come to find that this works. And it works well.
Again horse for courses!!

jen127 · 31/03/2011 14:49

That sounds really boring and no spin but point was that even though he earns less he would not want to share all finances :0

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