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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In not really understanding why some couples have mine and yours money?

127 replies

lesley33 · 30/03/2011 11:29

What I mean is couples who don't share money but instead agree a contribution each partner pays towards joint expenses. I knew a couple where the wife earned more and so could afford top, and did, go on expensive holidays that her husband couldn't afford.

Unless one of the couple is seriously terrible with money, why wouldn't you just share money to benefit the whole family? By family I mean the parents and children.

OP posts:

Bluemary3000 · 31/03/2011 14:59

I have always found it odd how couples in a long term relationship keep their own money that they earn, only paying for their bit of the bills. I have always believed in what is mine is his and vice versa.
We have always both worked, varying amounts to each other over the years and all of our money has always gone into one account. We then have money which we have agreed to go into our own accounts. pocket money of sorts. This way we both have always spent the same money and anything left over, gets saved and used for nights out, holiday etc.
Out of most of my friends in long term relationships, I know I am the unusual one!!

bessie26 · 31/03/2011 17:25

DH & I put roughly the same % of our wages into the joint acc to cover all the bills and giving us with some money of our own.

Then, if one of us wants to buy something frivolous (for example new red boots, or golf clubs) we can pay for it ourselves, rather than spending money from the joint account.

Ragwort · 31/03/2011 17:32

Well we are like you Bluemary, - have been married 25 years and just opened a joint account when we got married and everything is 'pooled' - for many years we earned roughly the same, then I went part time (DH earned a lot at that time ), now I am a SAHM and also DH's income has reduced - bad planning or what - but we just share what we have. I never 'question' his spending and likewise never feel I have to 'justify' what I spend. I am sure it helps that we have very similar spending habits and have never gone overdrawn or spent more than we have. I guess we are pretty old fashioned though .

I had a friend who, if her DH spent £x on clothes, a hobby or whatever would immediately spend exactly the same £x on something for herself, regardless of whether she needed it or not, just couldn't stand the thought of her DH spending 'their' money (the marriage didn't last ).

nystateofmind · 31/03/2011 17:46

I earn so much money that we've gone beyond the who pays for what

GloriaSmut · 31/03/2011 17:51

I don't want a joint account. Neither does my dp. We also travel without each other from time to time. But none of this is indicative of a failing relationship. Instead it's a matter of personal choice. I realise this way of going about things mightn't suit everyone but I wouldn't presume to be judgemental about people who conduct their financial affairs differently.

Happylander · 31/03/2011 18:01

We do it as I grew up watching my dad spend my mums money and his on booze despite at times there being little food in the house. From an extremely early age I was never going to rely on a man or allow a man to take my money. DH however, does believe what is mine is yours etc despite things going horribly wrong with his first wife and her emptying his accounts and having them frozen. I have relented and have a joint account for bills and I pay half, we put a little bit extra in each month to cover any weekends away seeing friends, car probs etc.

Another reason why we have joint and separate accounts is because I was getting fed up with getting filthy looks when I said we had no money for him to see his daughter more often as it costs £300 a time. So at least with separate accounts it is entirely up to him to save what he can, after he has paid his share of the bills, to see his daughter and therefore if anyone says anything I can just point in his direction. I ask him for no money towards our son for clothes, swimming, playgroups etc and I buy the vast majority of food as he doesn't live with us during the week normally. We're both skint though lol

scottishmummy · 31/03/2011 18:02

my salary is my money. joint acc for mortgage and nursery & bills

have absolutely no intention of sharing my money. it is mine,i earned it.notion of our money is a nonsense. we pay proportionately for nursery, and split bills

droves · 31/03/2011 18:12

Dh and i have separate money and a joint savings account.
I pay grocery and clothes and treats for the children and myself, the phone bills ,gas &electric bills ect, MY store and credit cards.
Dh pays the rent ,council tax, the car insurance , mots and repairs for both cars and treats us both .He also has maintenence payments to his ex , and things like half the cost of uniforms ,shoes for his son with her to cover.

DH pays for all nights out and trips for me to hairdresser/salon.

It works out sort of even, .

I insisted that we both have our own money because my ex-h was abusive .
He controlled everything to such an extent that i had to beg him for "extra" money in the £30 he gave me to buy food so i could get sanitary products for myself.

Ex would scrutinise the receipts and i spent even 1p more than allowed all hell would break loose.

I was working , id bring in wages equal to his but i didnt have a clue as to were it went.He got me to hand over my wage to him and i wasnt "allowed" my own bank account. The childrens childbenefit was i my name , but he would frog march me to the post office when it was due and take it from me as soon as we were away from the counter.(back in the day when it was paid by book).

DH's ex ran up debts , that he paid off .She also ran up debts after they separated and is trying to pin them on him ...(things like brighthouse & catalogue ,& provident, she uses her old married name to get and tell them shes moved to our address ).I get phonecalls about her debt at least once a week ....so i need my own seperate money , incase something goes wrong .

GloriaSmut · 31/03/2011 18:13

I'm with you there, scottishmummy. My money is mine. All mine. I'm quite prepared to share nicely at times but that doesn't presume it then becomes "our" money. Fuck no!

scottishmummy · 31/03/2011 18:18

most couples i know dont do shared accs,maintain separate accounts. certainly majority i know do

flyingspaghettimonster · 31/03/2011 19:31

I find it weird too. Each to their own - but I like my grandparents' ways the best - he earned all the money and handed it straight to her, she then gave him an allowance for his recreational activities...

we have a similar system now - always had a joint account even before uni, but these days I am in control of the bank accounts and if he wants to buy something he'll ask if we can afford it first... I can understand one person controlling both accounts to prevent accidental overspending, but both keeping separate finances seems scary to me - surely that would make cheating a lot easier?

Ragwort · 31/03/2011 20:03

Do you think it's an age thing? I am mid 50s and happily have a joint account with DH - I guess I am a lot older than most mumsnetters . Not really sure what friends of my age do - not something we discuss .

scruffybird · 31/03/2011 20:07

We have a joint account and a joint savings account. I thought most people were the same, but obviously not

pointydog · 31/03/2011 20:10

Because they are still individuals, have different ideas about spending and saving, are used to keeping hold of all their own earnings.

Why not? I can't see that it matters.

CPtart · 31/03/2011 20:20

Because I'm a saver, he's a spender. He earns far more than me and we pay proportionally into a joint account for bills. The remainder of our respective monies is for each of us to do with as we wish.

bikermoll · 31/03/2011 20:22

My Mum always told me keep separate bank accounts as she and Dad had always done They were very happily married for 60 years and never argued about money but as Mum said " you never know" . I followed her advice and have always kept my own bank account and paid the mortgage from this . My ex partner paid the other bills from his account . We never argued about money and it worked very well for us for nearly 30 years . Sadly we have now parted company but I am grateful that I took my Mum's advice and even since splitting up with ex we have still not argued about money and no we are not wealthy or in highly paid jobs .

HelenBaaBaaBlackSheep · 31/03/2011 20:30

I think it's pretty normal to have separate accounts as well as a joint one for shared stuff - I've never understood how you do a big splurgy present for your DP when you share an account as basically they end up paying for it themseves?

Ragwort · 31/03/2011 20:48

Perhaps that why it works for us HelenBaaBaa - my DH and I are totally not into big splurgy presents .

HelenBaaBaaBlackSheep · 31/03/2011 20:57

violethill · 31/03/2011 21:01

Just works better for some couples, doesn't have to be a big deal. I don't think it has to be a sign of anything sinister

Weloveboo · 31/03/2011 21:24

For me it's a feminist issue. When we had kids I found the idea of intractable division of labour (he the breadwinner, me at home) pretty alien. Having kids in our mid-30's means we both have careers, and similar earning potential. So our ambition is to share the work & share the child care. It's a bit precarious chopping and changing, to be sure, but the idea is that we operate as a team. It reduces the pressure on DH to support the family adinfinitum & allows me to keep my hand in at work & have a break from being at home. This might be a long winded way of saying that, at least in our house, and maybe I'm crazy, whoever has the money at the time pays for stuff! Although no joint accounts, just transfers! Money is such an unspeakable subject - yuck!

Particles · 31/03/2011 21:33

DH does well for himself and earns more than twice what I earn. We have separate accounts from which he pays the mortgage and bills and I pay the childcare. If I want clothes etc I don't have to ask or justify to him, if we have a holiday planned or there is an expensive present or item I want to buy then I save. Essentially he is supporting me but I an also earning (and spending) my own money and keeping that little bit of independence I wouldn't otherwise have.

fairtradefloozy · 31/03/2011 21:45

Our sanity is in our joint and own accounts. Money is important to me to feel secure. DH would pretty much spend everything if he could, so its best that we do it the way we do for us.

We both pay salaries into own account and transfer an agreed amount each month for day to day expenses plus saving up for holidays, some joint savings and the general running of the house/cars etc.

We worked it so we both have exactly the same amount of money each per month in our own accounts. That is ours and we don't question each other on it. We have some joint savings, we have our own - we more or less know what each other have, and if either of us really needed it, the other would definately offer.

What works for us would not work for others but tbh its a personal issue, so I don't ask them and only tell them if info is volunteered.

sarahtigh · 02/04/2011 21:12

some mentioned inheritance if no will and if you are married/civil partner if accounts are joint and house in both names they get that but a husband/wife does not automatically get 100% of the estate , they get the first £250,00 and half of the rest and all personal effects the other 50% is shared by children so if total was 500,000 they would get 375,500 ( they only have the interest on their share above 250,000 and then divided between children equally and kids share 125,000 so if not married really important to have will and also to have house in joint names ( 2 ways that can apply a.) you both own 100% so if one dies the other party owns all the house or b.) you both own 50% or whatevern may be in a legal agreement and can live it how you choose so if you left your half to your kids it could force partner to sell up to give them their share

if you are not married or in civil partnership and you leave no will your partner gets nothing unless it is in joint names

maypole1 · 02/04/2011 21:20

I know my sister and her bloke go fifty fifty on everything I pointed out to her her he earns 50k and she earns 28k so their not paying the same into the kitty and he wonders why she hasn't got any money left he pays 25k so dose she but it should be the proportion of her wage its wired.

We don't have mine and yours in our house we have ours

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