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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think DP is being ridiculous and selfish

81 replies

MummyKnows · 16/12/2010 07:36

a few weeks ago I ordered some stuff from argos. The next day DP decided he would order some stuff too. Cut long story short, DP's stuff was delivered first. Mine is still to arrive!! still, that's just the way it goes isn't it? So anyway two weeks ago I ordered some books off amazon. Half an hour later DP decided to order some books off amazon . Then the snow hit and nothing got delivered for ages. Then yesterday my books arrived. No sign of his. So he went off on one, swearing, moaning, kicking off saying it was "fucking stupid" that mine had turned up first when the orders were only half hour apart and that he was "fucking fuming". His main concern was that my books had arrived before his. God forbid I get something without him!! yet it was fine that all his argos stuff came before mine!! so I said to him "if your books had arrived and mine hadn't you wouldn't give a shit, would you?" and he didn't even answer.
Am I over-reacting or does this show a really spiteful and nasty side to his nature?
We're planning on marriage next year but this kind of thing really puts me off him and makes me wonder if we'd really be suited long term.

OP posts:

TheUnmentioned · 16/12/2010 07:41

Maybe he has ordered a secret Xmas pressie for you and is worried it wont arrive?

ledodgy · 16/12/2010 07:41

I think you are both being childish.

Original poster

MummyKnows · 16/12/2010 07:44

nno it was nothing for me, I know what he ordered. and ledodgy, I don't care about who's stuff comes first though, like I said, I'm still waiting for my argos stuff but I wouldn't dream of kicking off saying it was unfair that DP had got his first etc!
it's like when we go shopping if there are four bags he will make sure he only carries 2. god forbid he carries more than me!

OP posts:

altinkum · 16/12/2010 07:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ledodgy · 16/12/2010 07:46

If it pisses you of this much now I wouldn't get married to him because it will piss you off even more later.

Morloth · 16/12/2010 07:48

Well doesnt he sound like a barrel of laughs. Are you actually prepared to put up with that sort of shit forever?

spidookly · 16/12/2010 07:48

Do you want to spend your life with someone who has temper tantrums about unimportant events and measures out "fairness" in numbers?

lady007pink · 16/12/2010 07:53

Ledodgy and altinkum, re-read the OP - HE is the one being childish not her.

Goblinchild · 16/12/2010 07:54

YABU to put up with it, if one of my children was reacting like that, they'd be laughed at by the rest of us. And they'd grin and realise what a ridiculous response it was to have.
You are marrying him? Why?

Original poster

MummyKnows · 16/12/2010 07:54

no but he makes out that im just after feminist treatment all the time like he'll say "but why should I have to carry more bags than you?" etc
like yesterday we'd left the house and I asked him to lock the door (I could see he had his keys in his hand) he came back toward the door, was just about to put his key in and asked where my keys were, I said somewhere in my pocket but I was struggling with my bag, had my gloves on and my pocket was buttoned up (like I said, his were clearly ready in his hand) so he said "oh, you can use yours then" and walked off!! even though it would have taken literally seconds just to lock the door.
He also has a habit of barging through doors before me. Like the front door, we'll both be stood there, if I don't have my keys on me he'll unlock it but he makes sure he gets in before me. its just little things like that but its really starting to grate on me.

OP posts:

Goblinchild · 16/12/2010 07:56

How long have you been together?

Original poster

MummyKnows · 16/12/2010 07:58

About three years. it has gradually got more noticable.in the beginning he would open car doors for me, now he makes sure he's in first.

OP posts:

BreconBeBuggered · 16/12/2010 08:02

He sounds like a six-year-old in a permanent strop. Is that what you want in a man?

Goblinchild · 16/12/2010 08:03

You need to sit down and have a proper talk about how a partnership works, especially one that's going to be long-term. It's not a competition, or filled with point-scoring as to who is first. He needs to understand how grown-ups function together in a relationship of equals.
Does he have a hobby or an activity where he can work off his need to be first?

pommedeterre · 16/12/2010 08:05

I think the reason you think he is BU is a bit odd. I think some of his other behaviour like having to copy you in terms of buying things and getting so angry over a missing amazon delivery in the snow are U and a bit worrying. He sounds dumb.

verytellytubby · 16/12/2010 08:10

He sounds odd.

Callisto · 16/12/2010 08:16

He sounds dreadful and a bit weird. Not husband or father material imo.

Ephiny · 16/12/2010 08:20

He sounds very childish and seems resentful and angry with you all the time and determined to take that out on you in spiteful little ways. I wouldn't marry him, at least not without some serious thinking and talking where you get to the bottom of what all this is about and find a way to resolve it.

What you said about 'feminist treatment' was a bit of a red flag for me - some men seem to take feminism/desire for equality as excuse to treat women as badly as possible, missing the point that in a partnership you're supposed to help and support each other. My DP does help me with carrying heavier shopping etc, though we both have quite feminist views, because he does happen to be bigger and stronger than me and it would be silly for him to stand there watching me struggle with something that he could manage easily. Similarly if I can see he's struggling with doing something I offer to give him a hand. There's no question of 'why should I?', nor should there be if you love and care about your partner.

PortlyBlackSantaUpAChimney · 16/12/2010 08:23

What Callisto said. What about things like night feeds and nappy changing?

You need to have a serious talk about these things. The last thing any child needs is a selfish and competitive parent.

PortlyBlackSantaUpAChimney · 16/12/2010 08:23

Sorry, what i mean is - will he be arguing who does what with the children right down to "Oh i was up 2 minutes longer than you in the night"

toddlerama · 16/12/2010 08:29

Don't marry someone who is already pissing you off! You would be mad to!

destructogirl · 16/12/2010 08:30

That shopping bag thing is just like my exH.
Even when I was heavily pregnant, carrying the shopping bags had to be equal. He would work out and lift weights, he was much stronger than me.
Then after the baby was born (I was very ill afterwards), he would insist I mowed the lawn (with a push mower, up a hill) because it was my turn and we had to be fair and equal.
Yes, it sounds like a warning sign, have a good think beore marrying, I wish I had.

LaurieFairyonthetreeEatsCake · 16/12/2010 08:36

Do not marry him.

My dh does all the heavy stuff in the house, not because I'm some delicate flower but because he is a foot taller than me and muscley.

And I pick the decor cos he couldn't care less / is colour blind.

Equally valuable but different strengths.

He also opens doors for me and carries things because he loves me.

You are not loved or cherished and it's not hard to imagine that you deserve better.

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 16/12/2010 08:37

can you imagine trying to work out who contributes what in parenting responsibilities with this man?

or being on maternity leave and bringing in less money than him - imagine how he'd wield that?

can you imagine being reliant on him to take care of you a bit whilst you were nursing a newborn and exhausted?

i've missed whether you have children or not but he doesn't sound like a man i'd want to have my back as a mother.

MsKalo · 16/12/2010 08:37

There is a great saying I think someone on here mentioned it in another thread - 'when someone shows you their true self, believe them'

He is showing you his true self - do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone like that? You don't deserve being treated like that, it may seem small but it is not and he will get worse and worse. What he is doing is so disrespectful to you. Do u have kids?

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