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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DP is being ridiculous and selfish

81 replies

MummyKnows · 16/12/2010 07:36

a few weeks ago I ordered some stuff from argos. The next day DP decided he would order some stuff too. Cut long story short, DP's stuff was delivered first. Mine is still to arrive!! still, that's just the way it goes isn't it? So anyway two weeks ago I ordered some books off amazon. Half an hour later DP decided to order some books off amazon Hmm. Then the snow hit and nothing got delivered for ages. Then yesterday my books arrived. No sign of his. So he went off on one, swearing, moaning, kicking off saying it was "fucking stupid" that mine had turned up first when the orders were only half hour apart and that he was "fucking fuming". His main concern was that my books had arrived before his. God forbid I get something without him!! yet it was fine that all his argos stuff came before mine!! so I said to him "if your books had arrived and mine hadn't you wouldn't give a shit, would you?" and he didn't even answer.
Am I over-reacting or does this show a really spiteful and nasty side to his nature?
We're planning on marriage next year but this kind of thing really puts me off him and makes me wonder if we'd really be suited long term.

OP posts:
JamieLeeCurtis · 16/12/2010 10:46

If he's this competitive now it would be a nightmare if you ever had children, as others have said.
The little things are annoying you now because you don't seem to like him very much. He sounds childish

ChaoticChristmasAngelCrackers · 16/12/2010 11:24

"I really struggle when someone asks "why are you marrying him?""

That says it all to me. I think you'd be making a big mistake if you married him Sad

chaya5738 · 16/12/2010 11:34

I wouldn't want to raise a child with someone like that. Teamwork/true partnership is crucial for happiness when you become a mum.

englandsmistress · 16/12/2010 11:38

Wow... are you aware that what you feel for this man is CONTEMPT?!

madonnawhore · 16/12/2010 11:41

Sorry, haven't read the whole thread but it seems like a bit of a disproportionate reaction from him. These things happen, he shouldn't get so upset.

Also, what's with the ordering more stuff right after you just ordered something? Couldn't you do it both together at the same time and save doubling up on postage?

Ephiny · 16/12/2010 11:44

It sounds like he has contempt for you as well and is going out of his way to show it - turning the heating off when he goes out and you're still there? It's your choice what you do, but I definitely don't think you should be getting married, sounds like it would be a miserable experience for both of you.

madonnawhore · 16/12/2010 11:44

Ok, just read the whole thread. Sorry but he sounds like a twat. The fire thing really made me Angry on your behalf. How inconsiderate.

maktaitai · 16/12/2010 11:46

Wow. Do you know what, I envy you. You aren't married, you don't have children together, you can have a quick convo about how things aren't working out between you, either you or he can look for somewhere else to rent, and bingeau! Freedom!

Is it possible that he's being deliberately horrible so that you break up with him and he gets the sympathy?

Script:
'I think we should break up, it's not working out.'
'What! Why?'
'Well, why do you really want to marry me?'
'What do you mean? Of course I want to marry you, I asked you/bought you a ring/didn't say no when you asked me, didn't I? What are you going on about?'
'You do spend a lot of time doing stuff that makes me feel crap. I think we'd both be happier on our own'.
'You really do talk some shit sometimes. Pass the cornflakes'.
'Yes, that remark there isn't really what I'm looking for in a life partner. I'm going to work now, and tonight I'm going to stay at Jane's. I'll ring you when I've found somewhere to live'.
'Oh, this is about Jane is it? I know what you women are like when you get together'.
'What, we talk to each other, have a laugh? As opposed to knowing every blackhead on David James's face? Yup, terrible we are'.

Exeunt.

diddl · 16/12/2010 11:48

"It's every little thing though lately that annoys me which is what makes me wonder if its more to do with ME than him"

Sounds as if you´ve outgrown him tbh.

FunkySnowSkeleton · 16/12/2010 11:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ninedragons · 16/12/2010 11:55

Are your friends and family asking you why you are marrying him?

Because that's not normal. I was never once asked that, because they could see exactly why I was marrying DH.

Anniegetyourgun · 16/12/2010 11:56

Well, if you're marrying this one because you think that maybe you won't be any happier with someone else, that is a bad reason, don't you think? If you already want to rip his head off for eating cornflakes after three years, imagine how it'll feel after 30.

For the record, there are lots and lots of men who aren't as strange, selfish or competitive (with his own fiancée ffs!), so it's not a straight choice between this one and a lonely future with or without cats.

ConstanceWearing · 16/12/2010 11:57

YANBU now, but if you walk down the aisle with him, that would probably be unreasonable :(

monkeyflippers · 16/12/2010 12:42

It sounds like he has some serious issues. Makes you wonder what his childhood was like. Did he grow up in a competitive home where he always lost out or something?

He is childish, inconsiderate, and a bullbag.

monkeyflippers · 16/12/2010 12:48

or a ballbag (sp.)

notmyproblem · 16/12/2010 13:26

Yep, well on your way to contempt for each other. More than halfway in fact, and it's a one-way street.

For some reason people seem to think that marriage and relationships need to be 1% love and 99% hard work but really, it's not like that. Why would you ever choose to be with someone you didn't respect, don't really love and who drives you crazy? Why would you want to have children with such a person?

It's true that often the little idiosyncracies that you found so endearing in a person early in the relationship turn into the very things that annoy you later, but those are generally few and minor. The basics of respect and compatibility are still there.

Ask a mutual friend this question: when she's hanging out with you and your DP joins you, does she think "hey there's her DP, the conversation can only get better" or does she think "oh no, her DP is here, this is going to become a drag and I better make my exit soon".

My litmus for a good relationship is that the former happens, not the latter. Partners should enhance each other, not detract.

2rebecca · 16/12/2010 20:04

I like Merlin, and I tend to turn fires up sometimes and then turn them down if I go out, to me that's being considerate because if my bloke had wanted the room hotter he would have had the fire up higher before I come in.
If you don't want him to turn the fire down then tell him before he touches it.
I do wonder why you are marrying him though.

If you met him now would you choose to be with him?
If he told you he didn't want to be with you any more would you be disappointed?

HansieMom · 16/12/2010 20:50

He sounds about 9 years old and not a very nice 9 year old at that. Does he feel he got gipped in his childhood, and he is making sure that doesn't happen again?

He is definitely emotionally stunted. Time to give him the heave-ho?

blackeyedsusan · 16/12/2010 21:20

please think very hard before you marry this person. from oyur posts it does not sound like you are compatible. don't get stuck on the railway track of arranging a wedding. these things can be called off or postponed til you are sure.

Ask your friends and family who know him in real life.

SnowyIcyFrostyRinglets · 16/12/2010 21:43

Think very very carefully about this one.

I've called off a wedding. It's not fun. It took me about 2 years to get over it.

You sound like you are where I was. And my (very close) friends and family were so relieved when I admitted I was having doubts. Ask them what they think.

If you marry him you'll wake up next to this man every day (theoretically) for the next 40 odd years.

If his cornflake crunching annoys you now it will drive you insane before your first anniversary.

If I were you, I'd be running for the hills. He sounds immature and unpleasant.

If you were getting married tomorrow, would you walk down the aisle? Could you? Would you go through with it?

Morloth · 16/12/2010 21:59

Even if it is you and not him (and I am not saying it is).

That doesn't matter, marrying someone is huge, dropping a boyfriend (even a live in one) when you don't have kids etc is pretty easy really.

Disentangling yourself from a husband/father of your kids is a real PITA.

Only you know how you really feel about him, but do not settle. When DH and I were getting married I was just about sick with excitement and joy because he was just so awesome, obviously after 13 years of marriage and a couple of kids some of the excitement has settled down (Xmas Wink), but we still like to be with each other.

Don't settle.

cees · 16/12/2010 22:12

He sounds like a real twit. He has a very childish attitude. Tell him to man up and stop this stupid tit for tat crap.

Greenwing · 16/12/2010 23:14

I agree with all others. If anybody has actually asked you WHY you are marrying him, that is a big warning sign. If you are asking yourself the same question ... you have your answer.

Maintaining a relationship can be tough even when you start out adoring each other. When children come along it can be incredibly tough (as well as fulfilling and wonderful). If he is like this now you may end up going through a divorce and being a single mum in future.

Time to get out now? Perhaps you posted, even if subconsciously, needing to get this feeling backed up by Mumsnetters? The message is coming through loud and clear! Be brave and get out. There are some wonderful, kind men out there (I have one yet marriage and parenthood are still hard work).

TyraG · 17/12/2010 06:17

Run far, run fast, don't look back. What a douche bag!!!

The only time DH and I are competitive is when we're playing trivial pursuit and even then it's all in good fun.

jumpyjack · 17/12/2010 06:36

Another one saying run!

I wish I had posted on Mumsnet instead of marrying a man just like this 10 years ago (and I use the term 'man' here very loosely). I wish I had known it's not normal to feel indifference and irritation with someone before you even marry. And that being a team is probably the most important thing in a marriage, especially if you have children.

Instead I walked down that aisle. 10 years on I have finally got free of the marriage, but can never actually be free of him because we share two children. Who I obviously don't regret, but I do sorely regret my lack of self awareness and low self esteem that made me settle for someone I had already outgrown before we were married.

Was it on here that someone said a man at 26 is all the man he will ever be? This is what he is offering you - you can, and should, do better.

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