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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have said this to sil?

100 replies

Doobies · 12/12/2010 11:06

Dh's brother and his wife announced that she is pg. We were quite surprised because they are corporate high flyers and we never thought they would have kids.

Anyway, went round there for drinks and congrats and got talking about how much life changes when kids come along ( we have a 9 month old ds)

Sil said that life only changes if you let it and she doesn't plan on letting the baby take over Xmas Hmm. She said that not everyone finds it tough and it depends on your personality as to how well you cope.

This last comment got to me a bit so I replied "your gonna get a bloody great shock love if you think your life won't change. A baby turns your world upside down, you need to be a bit mentally prepared"

Bil called dh later that night to say sil was in tears after we left and they are both upset with me. I don't think what I said was that bad.

OP posts:
ForFestiveSake · 12/12/2010 11:10

she didn't cry about what yo said - she cried because she knows it's true and it's a scary thought which she's trying to deny.

tryingtoleave · 12/12/2010 11:12

What you said is true enough but there is no point trying to explain that to people who believe otherwise.

It seems odd of her to cry about it.

Lulumaam · 12/12/2010 11:12

if you said it how it reads, it sounds aggressive and patronising, and not at all caring or supportive. so i am not surprised they were both hurt

there are ways of saying things and how to say things..... you were out of order

you should apologise

LittleMissHoHoHoFit · 12/12/2010 11:13

I think you were a bit harsh.

Ok what you said is true, but why did you have to shatter her illusion so dramatically? You could have left it and let her find out for herself. You could have chuckled knowingly and and said 'Yeah, OK then'.

You need to call her back, apologise for upsetting her and tell her that life does change, but the stuff you thought was important pre-baby, suddenly isn't as important as you thought it was.

Tell her that you have gone through this and can offer as much guidance or sounding board advice as she needs.

YABU, sorry, but you were. Now you need to make amends. She IS in for an almighty shock. One that could land her with PND, so be there to support her, for your brother's sake.

yama · 12/12/2010 11:13

YABU

It is so annoying when people tell you things are going to be difficult. I bet she knows it deep down.

You get so much unsolicited advice when pregnant. Maybe they thought family would be supportive.

Original poster
Doobies · 12/12/2010 11:14

I think she is secretly freaking out. Feel a bit sorry for her. Apparently they were ttc so it wasn't unplanned. I found the first six months with ds the hardest. It was almost never ending. I got a bit pissed off with what she said about personality though.

OP posts:
DuelingFanio · 12/12/2010 11:15

Depends on how you said it. Seems a bit rude really to be honest. People find their own way and it might have been better to just let her comments go and let her find out forherself rather than making an issue out of it.

She may find that she can easily slot a baby in to her life after the first few months of Chaos, lots of people do to some extent.

Maybe you should apologise, she's probably feeling overwhelmed and hormonal and thought that people might just be glad about her news rather than making a big deal about how her life will change.

Is it that odd to cry about insensitive coments when you're newly pregnant?

Dunoon · 12/12/2010 11:15

Sil was bloody rude to you anyway. you could have been the one in tears after her veiled insults about personalities who don't cope.
However many people are deluded about what life will be like with a baby and you may need to perfect the knowing smile until the shit hits the fan and then be there for her when it does.

PenelopeTitsDropped · 12/12/2010 11:16

You were being honest and realistic from your perspective. But..

They have the "first pregnancy glow" and the self assurance that comes from ignorance.

Having said that. My DB & SIL are corporate highfliers and the fact they have children hasn't impacted in any way shape or form on their lives.
They might be right.

geraldinetheluckygoat · 12/12/2010 11:17

I kind of think that you shouldn't have said it. But its said now. Just ring her and apologise, Festivesake's right, she's probably terrified of letting go of her old life. I have had this said to me many times too and it does rankle, especially when said by people who you know have "observed" the way you parent in the past witha bit of a Hmm look on their face.

However, we all know that having a baby DOES change your life. Even if you use full time childcare from three months, you still have added a whole extra human being with all their needs and wants to your family. How can that NOT change your life at all? I find this view bizzarre to the extreeme, but lots of people seem to want to cling on to the thought that they will just cart the baby silently along in its car seat to everything they used to do! hahahaha is all I can say to that.

Original poster
Doobies · 12/12/2010 11:17

Hmm. Will call her to apologise then. The thing is, at the time I felt what she said about personality and coping was a little gripe at me.

Thanks all. Smile

OP posts:
humanoctopus · 12/12/2010 11:17

I don't think you were being unreasonable.

She made arrogant, judgemental comments about parenting.

You retaliated.

She's hormonal.

Its seems to me to be the first signs of the birth of a pfb :)

chitchatinsantasear · 12/12/2010 11:19

Pfft, she was just as bloody rude as you were, why should she be the only one who has the right to get upset?!

The VERY CLEAR implication was that clearly your personality wasn't up to it, and that's why you found it so tough.

She got what she deserved, and if she's crying over that then she's going to be spending her whole bloody pregnancy crying when she realises how much time off work she's going to have to take for appointments, feeling sick, etc, etc, etc!!!!

ItsAHollyJollyTee · 12/12/2010 11:19

I think you could have said it a bit more gently, but I think you were right to say it.

I also think she is crying because she knows you are right and doesn't want to accept it.

HelenRosie · 12/12/2010 11:20

The first part of what she said did seem to me as a dig at you - you've let the baby take over and don't have the personality to cope as well as she will.

So, while I think you were justified in saying what you said, you should apologise.

FakePlasticTrees · 12/12/2010 11:20

To be honest, if she's high flying and isn't planning on her life changing, then it might not.

There's a world of difference between a woman who stops work or at least takes a full years maternity leave and looks after the child and house 24/7, to a woman who takes a few weeks to physically recover, has a nanny who looks after the child, a cleaner for the house and goes back to work full time by 8 weeks. I know woman like that, and their lives haven't changed all that much.

Call her and appologise, you shouldn't have been harsh. Perhaps tell her that you'll be here to support her if she finds it a bit tricker than she thought and you will give her any support you can do.

WriterofDreams · 12/12/2010 11:23

It would depend on how close you two are, but it might be a good idea to give her a call and explain what you meant and that you're sorry about hurting her feelings. As others have said, it sounds like she's in denial and you really hit a nerve so now that the way has been opened it might be a good time to talk to her about the worries she has. She certainly is in for quite shock if she honestly thinks she can deal with a new baby with no hassle as long as she has the right frame of mind. As someone else pointed out that's the perfect recipe for PND because if she does struggle she'll blame herself for not being strong enough rather than acknowledging that everyone struggles and that it's normal.

I can see why she got upset TBH. I understand why you took what she said as an insult but it appears as though she was spouting nonsense while you were quite aggressive. Being newly pregnant is quite hard what with the adjustments to be made and the hormones flying about, so perhaps this once you need to cut her some slack and try to help her out without being patronising. You must remember all the "helpful" advice you got when you were pregnant and how much it got on your nerves ??

Laquitar · 12/12/2010 11:27

I think you were both very wrong.

She started first. You followed.

Perhaps uou have been more unreasonable because of the fact she just found she is pg. Tbh i would expect people to say 'wow great news, lets celebrate' instead of telling me how hard is going to be. Surely you could 'prepare her' at a later stage Grin.

I would go around with an apology and some chocs.

Also you said 'we were quite surprised because they are high flyers'. High flyers have babies too Confused

Original poster
Doobies · 12/12/2010 11:27

Oh dear.I have just spoken to her. She is def hormonal or just super pissed off with me.. She told me that if she wants my opinion she will ask for it and just cos I fell apart doesn't mean she will.

So much for making amends!

OP posts:
DuelingFanio · 12/12/2010 11:29

What's your relationship with her like normally?

ItsAHollyJollyTee · 12/12/2010 11:29

Also, I don't know if you expressed your surprise at her pregnancy, but please don't.

Both my father and my husband's mother said, to each other, at the family dinner before our wedding 'I never thought daughter/son would get married!'

And then repeated it when I got pregnant.

In fact my dad said to me 'You? You're pregnant? Really?'

It was very hurtful to hear both of these things for both my husband and myself.

triplejump · 12/12/2010 11:32

OP to me your comment "We were quite surprised because they are corporate high flyers and we never thought they would have kids."

I don't think you sounded supportive, I think I would be offended if by trying to celebrate my pregnancy I was told I needed to be mentally prepared.

I wonder if SIL thinks you are already judging her. All sorts of people have kids you know. I have to say you really do not know how she will find having kids, as you are not her.

geraldinetheluckygoat · 12/12/2010 11:32

oh well let her wallow in it. You've said sorry so you can rest assured you did the right thing and tried to make amends.

Also take pleasure when you visit in the first few weeks and she answers the door in an old take that t shirt and leggings, with sick on her shoulder and a crazed look in her eye! Grin

Lulumaam · 12/12/2010 11:34

she was unthinking in what she said, but it is something so man y people say/think/beleive before the baby arrives

retorting back in a patronising way was wrong

be sisterly, offer some warm words of advice/wisdom

if you found it really hard, tell her it's hard but tell her any coping strategies etc

FunkySnowSkeleton · 12/12/2010 11:37

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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