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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have said this to sil?

100 replies

Doobies · 12/12/2010 11:06

Dh's brother and his wife announced that she is pg. We were quite surprised because they are corporate high flyers and we never thought they would have kids.

Anyway, went round there for drinks and congrats and got talking about how much life changes when kids come along ( we have a 9 month old ds)

Sil said that life only changes if you let it and she doesn't plan on letting the baby take over Xmas Hmm. She said that not everyone finds it tough and it depends on your personality as to how well you cope.

This last comment got to me a bit so I replied "your gonna get a bloody great shock love if you think your life won't change. A baby turns your world upside down, you need to be a bit mentally prepared"

Bil called dh later that night to say sil was in tears after we left and they are both upset with me. I don't think what I said was that bad.

OP posts:
TheMonster · 12/12/2010 12:17

And for what it's worth, I wouldn't apologise.

DuelingFanio · 12/12/2010 12:17

Is this the same SIL who only provided Quiche for sunday lunch? If so then I guess there is 'history' between the two of you?

Original poster
Doobies · 12/12/2010 12:24

Diddl - when ds was born and for the first six months I didn't cope well and whole of dh family knew about it. I got very little emotional support and I got pissed of when she made the comment because it really hit a nerve.

In terms of them being high flyers, sil becoming pg is a shock because they are totally absorbed in their careers but I understand how that comment in my op was a bit stupid and judgey.

OP posts:
thumbplumpuddingwitch · 12/12/2010 12:29

Well I certainly wouldn't apologise again - you've tried it, she threw it back in your face, she still thinks she's superior to you, let it go and enjoy the fallout (if there is any).

Do offer heaps of help if necessary - go out of your way to offer support, because you've been there and you know what it's like. Only if necessary though.

Kewcumber · 12/12/2010 12:32

Does it matter what she thinks or whether she will cope with a baby well or not so well. It is irritating when someone tells you like you are five how terribly difficult it is having babies - like you know nothing and they are too juvenile to imagine it. Surely people said it to you so you know? I found it intensely irritating.

Of course she was just as bad if she implied (or even stated after your apology) that you didn't cope well (though it seems that by your own admission you didn't).

It has been said often enough on here that the only correct to reponse to a pregnancy is "congratulations".

If you want to respond to someone implying that they are going to be a domestic goddess then just smile serenly and say "it will be 1000 times better than you imagine and 1000 times harder. Congratulations"

Career is irrelevant - plenty of us work. And if they were ttc you were obviously wrong about them not wanting childrne.

NinkyNonker · 12/12/2010 12:35

You sound harsh. Everyone/many/most have some sort of inexperienced delusions before babies come along...it isn't your job to enlighten them. Especially in such a manner.

izzywizzywoowooo · 12/12/2010 12:38

You both sound as if you were digging at each other - You've tried to apologise, I wouldn't do any more.

Kewcumber · 12/12/2010 12:39

"you need to be a bit mentally prepared" this did amuse me though - how exactly do you do that?

Get your partner to wake you every 2 hrs, nipple clamps, some kind of injection to simulate anxiety everytime you can't see your attachment object - perhaps we could nominate something for her - bag of flour?

diddl · 12/12/2010 12:47

"It has been said often enough on here that the only correct to reponse to a pregnancy is "congratulations"."

How true!

My MIL ruined it for me when we told her I was pregnant, & it sounds as if you´ve done the same for her, & that´s why she´s in tears.

northerngirl41 · 12/12/2010 12:48

To be honest, being a parent is a lot easier when money isn't an issue... You can buy whatever you want without thinking twice about it, you can have a daily cleaning lady, you can have an au pair/nanny to help with the kids. You don't need to go back to work if you don't want to. You may have got to a career stage where you don't need to be in the office and your role is more as a figurehead.

If this is unexpected news she probably is kidding herself a bit that nothing will change, but it needn't be such a culture shock as perhaps it was for you, since she may well have extra help which you didn't. She might not want anything to change now, but have a complete u-turn when the baby is here. Every pregnancy is different - what you said wasn't kind or helpful, so I'm not sure what you thought it would achieve.

LittleMissHoHoHoFit · 12/12/2010 12:52

Doobies, her chucking it back in your face, and the nasty way she did it... not nice, but after you crashed her down so spectacularly, it kind of is to be expected.

OK so maybe she isn't very nice, but that does not mean you don't have to be nice to her.

Be the bigger person. she may struggle, she may not, but you can be there for her if she does need advice.

Leave it now and don't let this escalate. Say that there are no hard feelings as far as you are concerned, and to let it be.

When she has the baby, say to her that you know that you didn't get off to the right start, but that you are always going to be there if she did want to pick your brains or compare notes.

Then leave it to her.

beanlet · 12/12/2010 12:56

From what it sounds like, they're probably going to have a live-in nanny from day 1 anyway, so having a baby might not make much of a difference to them, no.

Anyway, you sound a bit judgey for assuming corporate high-fliers wouldn't want to have kids.

thumbplumpuddingwitch · 12/12/2010 12:56

I do get the feeling that Doobies' comment was a bit of a kneejerk reaction to the perceived (and probably very real) dig; I doubt very much that she meant to bring her SIL down when she went round there!

KangarooCaught · 12/12/2010 13:03

You've apologised, she's been rude. Just offer congratulations when baby is born. If she does struggle, she'll never let on to you.

anonymosity · 12/12/2010 13:06

What you said was perhaps very true, but it was neither supportive or kind. The kinder thing would be to allow her to bumble along in her ignorance of reality but be there to help and support her when her life inevitably does change. It will probably hit her harder (the truth) for her denial of it now.

I agree you should say sorry.

Mimile · 12/12/2010 13:08

I am glad to read that some posters here agree that their is a middle ground, where women do indeed manage to go back to a career, high flying or not, without relying on cleaners and support from other family members.
As for your SIL, she may indeed manage to keep up with her old lifestyle along with motherhood.
Hopefully she didn't mean to hurt you with her derogatory comments, and she will hopefully learn that when it comes to parenting, it is very much a case of each to their own.

Sassybeast · 12/12/2010 13:13

You were rude, she was rude in response - it's kind of evened itself out. There is nothing worse than someone telling you how shit parenthood will be - maybe it will, maybe it won't.

lazylula · 12/12/2010 13:19

TBH, I remember I got a bit fed up of people telling me how my life was going to change once the baby got here and mostly it was in a negative way. It was made worse by the fact that I worked with children and loved my job and was constantly told how I would realise how different things were once I had my own. It was all the make the most of your sleep now, you won't get any once the baby is here ect ect ect. So, maybe that is how your sil is feeling. Incidentally, having a baby turned out to be no where near as bad as I thought (I expected the worst, got alot better). For this reason I think maybe you were BU to even point out how life would change once the baby got here, let them enjoy the pregnancy the way they want to, she may struggle, she may not, no amount of 'preparation' will change that.

otchayaniye · 12/12/2010 13:19

"To be honest, being a parent is a lot easier when money isn't an issue..."

That's nonsense. It isn't easier. I know several friends who have nannies and round the clock care. I also have friends who have free childcare from grandparents on tap. Which boils down to the same thing.

On the surface it may seem easier but it isn't.

You have the same weight of responsibility
You have the same anxieties about their development and education
You have strangers living in your house and you have to learn a way to live with that
You almost always feel guilty about some of the above

RevoltingPeasant · 12/12/2010 13:28

Sorry, haven't read all the thread, but -- why is everyone assuming the coping and personalities comment was aimed at the OP?

OP, sorry, but that seems to me a bit of a leap. How do you know she wasn't talking about her own mum, or one of her sisters or summat? I don't have children yet myself, but my mum constantly says to me knowingly, 'When you have children you won't want to go back to work, most women can't manage that' and I have to admit my reaction is pretty much the same as your SIL's.

Sounds to me like your SIL was thinking out loud about how she wants to parent (perhaps naively, but still...) and you jumped right down her throat. I think YABU.

thumbplumpuddingwitch · 12/12/2010 13:31

Because the OP has stated, further along in the thread, that she had a tough first 6m with her baby and all of her DP's family knew, presumably including said SIL. And that none of them were particularly supportive.

becaroodolf · 12/12/2010 13:33

doobies

Perhaps explain that you took her comments as a direct insult to you and that you retaliated and regret it?

She needs to know she upset you too.

RevoltingPeasant · 12/12/2010 13:36

Okay, have just seen about your apology and your own difficulties.

Sorry you had a hard time :) but do you think that might have made you more sensitive to random comments? I still am not sure she was talking about you.

But it was big of you to apologise and a bit crappy of her to be so harsh in response. Maybe leave it till the New Year and then take her out for coffee and say, 'Let's not fall out over this; after all, in a year our DCs will be playing together'. --?

KangarooCaught · 12/12/2010 13:37

Good advice from Becaroo

ragged · 12/12/2010 13:39

RevoltingP: OP has admitted that she didn't cope well after birth of her DS and that everyone in the family knew about it, so her SIL should have realised how that those words come across.
I think I would bend backwards to be gracious and try to apologise again by other means (nice card, whatever). Really put the ball in SIL's court in terms of making up, and make a big effort to make no more unwelcome comments. Empathy-producing hormones are flooding her brain right now which are probably producing a lot of internal conflict about what she thought she expected out of parenthood and what she actually feels like now.

If she's a half-decent person she'll come back and laugh with you about it all in future.

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