To have said this to sil?

[Doobies]

Dh's brother and his wife announced that she is pg. We were quite surprised because they are corporate high flyers and we never thought they would have kids.

Anyway, went round there for drinks and congrats and got talking about how much life changes when kids come along ( we have a 9 month old ds)

Sil said that life only changes if you let it and she doesn't plan on letting the baby take over . She said that not everyone finds it tough and it depends on your personality as to how well you cope.

This last comment got to me a bit so I replied "your gonna get a bloody great shock love if you think your life won't change. A baby turns your world upside down, you need to be a bit mentally prepared"

Bil called dh later that night to say sil was in tears after we left and they are both upset with me. I don't think what I said was that bad.

otchayaniye, I totally disagree.

We are financially stable/secure. It would be quite disengenious for me to suggest that the parents I come across every day (through work) who often do not sleep at night wondering how they are going to feed and clothe their children are finding parenthood as easy as me.

I don't find it at all easy. I have 3 children. They have no living grandparents. My DH works long hours often in the States for 2wks at a time. I cannot begin to imagine how much harder it would be if I was poor.

She was BU to be so patronising to you, implying that life only changes if you're weak and disorganised. So she deserved what you said back. She's probably all hormonal though, hence the tears.

Pregnancy is no excuse to go around insulting people and not expecting it right back at you. Don't give it out if you can't take it.

While I take on board what you say montysorry and your experience, the point I was making is that how hard you find parenting has little to do with money. It's more than that. It's about the shift from childlessness to having children. It's about responsibility, a lifelong bond, emotions, your own mental state. That doesn't change with a few more $$$ in the bank.

Of course, you can argue that people on the poverty line have more worries than those who do not, but that doesn't mean that richer people find it easier.

I've lived in China, SE Asia, the Middle East and Russia (before it was consumerist) and am soon to move to India (and have spent time there) Some of those people are poor in the truest sense of the word. But they wouldn't regard it as harder necessarily.

I think if you took two women of very similar mental status and outlook then the one with the disposible income will invariably find paranting easier.

When I had 3 under 5 at home and it got too much I could bung them in the car and go to a play centre for the afternoon. I could wander around John Lewis and buy what I fancied. I knew I could feed them well and that they'd be fine for winter coats and boots. I can take pleasure in taking them swimming or watching DS play cricket or DD1 play tennis.

I absolutely appreciate that there is extreme poverty elsewhere in the world but in many of these communities, whilst poor, the mother has an abundance of emotional support from the other women around her.

I think it's naive to think that the mother in the tower block wondering how far this weeks money will stretch and which child needs a coat more is having it as easy as me.

Though I agree with your point that it's about more than money. Many affluent, well-supported mothers will struggle and many mothers on the breadline will cope just fine.

I just disagree with your statement that money makes no difference to how easy you find it. Because, all things being equal, it can tip the balance between coping and not.

Too many assumptions in your post Montysorry. You can't really take two women of similar mental state to prove your theory that rich people find it easier to parent.

They may find it easier in practical terms, but tougher mentally and the guilt at not being present harder. Some poor people may find the day to day burdens extremely tough but other parts easier (or not)

How do you know that the woman in the developing world has an abundance of emotional support? Again, too easy an assumption. They don't all live a picturesque 'noble savage' existence surrounded by female family members. What about China, where there are millions of families splintered apart. Or Korea where many women seek work abroad and leave their children behind.

It's impossible to disentangle.

Well I didn't say all women in the developing world have support but many of them do.

Frankly, I think it's a bit ridiculous to suggest that being secure financially doesn't make parenting easier.

A woman like me with 3 children under 5 and no family to support her is always going to find it easier without also having to worry about money for food or heating the house or providing the sort of Christmas they want for their children.

The mental and emotional stress of bringing up children when you have little or no money is immense. I see it everyday!

I wonder what the women I see tomorrow would say when asked if having more money coming in would make parenting easier for them?

Doobies, sorry for hijack.

you could have responded in a much less passive agressive way to her passive agressive comment tbh.... somthing like
"That feels like a veiled criticism of my reponse to becoming a parent which I'm finding rather hurtful"
which would have had the benefit of being true and therefore placing the 'nasty' ball firmly back in her court....

tbh I don't think dc come along and turn your life upside down etc. I think some people do deal with dc in ways that the dc comes along and slips into their life and others everything stops and then there are those inbetween where it changes a little or a bit more.

everyone is differnet and your comment was imo a comment that you want your sil to fail

Fair enough, ragged. I guess I just meant that sometimes people might mildly insensitive comments without intending an insult and it's best to bear that in mind before getting all snidey with someone. We all have our buttons but people won't always remember, esp when they're taken up with the most exciting event of their own lives... Plus if this is SIL's first pregnancy, it sounds like telling the family was a pretty special occasion which is now marred by a tiff.

ivykaty, think that is a tad harsh, no?? I don't think she wants SIL to fail, she was just hurt by a perceived jibe.

Op i do think ywbu in a way as someone said the correct response would have just been "congratulations" not a lecture about how hard she would find it. If someone responded to me like that whenever they heard it was pregnant I would have found it bloody annoying and not @ all helpful really! Also its true what sil said not everyone does find it hard, so if she feels she will cope just leave her to find out for herself. Overall she may find it pretty much okay, that is not necessarily a judgment on you although her comments were quite rude and does seem they may have been directed at you so can't really blame you for retaliating.
Both of you are to blame really. But you have tried to apologise, she didn't accept so just leave it for now you have done your part

You've apologised, OP, well done. She's decided to maintain her bitchiness by reiterating her earlier barb - leave her to it.

can you say sorry that you were a bit harsh/have upset her but that having a baby is very special/rewarding but there are usually lots of sleepless nights and sick bugs etc to get though en route. I know lots of high flyers and some have had postnatal depression - i think that its been mosty related to them being so used to having complete control and then having lack of control when baby arrives.

I think some posters forget the timing of OP's comment. Sil's has just announced her pregnancy. They went there to congratulate them. It doesn't matter who has a point (and yes, OP has a valid point) but it was not about OP, it was Sil's moment. She was probably expecting 'wow new blood in the family, dd is going to have cousin...' . There is time and place for everything and this wasn't the right time to talk about how hard babies are.

sounds like there's an element of competition involved here.. no doubt behind the scenes when you were struggling they were a tad critical so now she's up the duff, she's probably shitting herself it'll happen to her too, hence overstating how well she's going to cope.

it would have been best to just nod and bitch afterwards but hey ho. think you should just let it calm down and get in touch another time to see if she wants to go for a coffee or summat.

Also, regardingte 'coping',there is no law that applies to everybdy. Apart from family support, income and hired help, dh etc also yes some babies sleep more than others or feed easier and some parents cope better with stress, some people need more sleep and routine than others, some not.
We don't need to bitch about the pregnant woman and say 'oh she will see, just wait!'.

Some people even get stressed about christmas and they start posting in August. Some dont get stressed until the 24th, they don't need to apologize.

But the OP didn't rush in with 'oh you'll struggle' She just said that having as baby changes things.

And it does, for everyone. Even those with huge support and finances. There is suddenly this other person to think about other than yourself.

I love DH dearly but I'm not sure I knew how overwhelming love could be before DCs. For instance, I would never have thought myself capable of murder before DS was born yet suddenly, in an instant, I knew I wouyld kill to save his life or give mine up in a heartbeat. Poor DH never had that effect on me.

And do you know what???

I think this all smacks of a woman (SIL) who up until this point has seen her SIL (OP) struggle with DCs and has been quietly saying to her own husband, 'Why can't she get a grip? It doesn't have to affect you like that or take over your life.'

Yes, baby changes things i agree.

But if i visit someone who has just found out she is pg i will mention the positive changes and i will raise a glass.

There is plenty time for the negative ones later

YABU. You were very harsh and should have bitten your tongue.

This is totally unreasonable OP, and very offensive "Dh's brother and his wife announced that she is pg. We were quite surprised because they are corporate high flyers and we never thought they would have kids"

I'm a corporate high flyer and would really, really like to have a child - they are not mutually exclusive.

You sound like a 'parent snob' to me.

I HATE how whenever someone gets pregnant, people start bringing out the negative stories about childbirth, parenting etc etc with that patronising 'ooh you don't know what you've let yourself in for'.

WHY do people feel the need to tell expectant mothers about their awful birth experiences

I remember thinking similar to your SIL when I first got pregnant with pfb. I now know it's all bollocks obviously- life has totally changed but it's not a bad thing.

I don't think your SIL was having a dig at you by the sound of it it does sound like you had a little dig at her. Was there any need? Couldn't you and your DH just exchanged knowing smiles and had a giggle about it after? SIL would soon realise she'd misjudged soon enough anyway.

OP - what you said may have been true, but the timing wasn't superb.

However, the SIL needs to toughen up a bit! All during her pregnancy she'll have family, friends, old ladies in the street telling her 'advice' and stories and she can't cry about them all.

I have memories of my mum teasing me when I was a teenager and in early adulthood about my low pain threshold. I was the sort of person who cried a river if I cut my finger or banged my knee. Mum used to poke fun at me and tell me to never have a baby cuz I'd never cope with the pain. She even joked about it when I did get pregnant in my mid 20s.

She had a 2.5hour labour with me, took all the pain relief the hospital offered. I had a 17 hour labour with DS and only used gas&air.

Basically, yes your SIL will struggle with some things, we all do! But she might surprise you. Let them work it out in their own way, in their own time.