Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To have said this to sil?

100 replies

Doobies · 12/12/2010 11:06

Dh's brother and his wife announced that she is pg. We were quite surprised because they are corporate high flyers and we never thought they would have kids.

Anyway, went round there for drinks and congrats and got talking about how much life changes when kids come along ( we have a 9 month old ds)

Sil said that life only changes if you let it and she doesn't plan on letting the baby take over . She said that not everyone finds it tough and it depends on your personality as to how well you cope.

This last comment got to me a bit so I replied "your gonna get a bloody great shock love if you think your life won't change. A baby turns your world upside down, you need to be a bit mentally prepared"

Bil called dh later that night to say sil was in tears after we left and they are both upset with me. I don't think what I said was that bad.

OP posts:

Laquitar · 12/12/2010 11:38

It is like going to house warming party and say 'are you mad, 25 yrs mortgage, you might starve'.

Or going to wedding and say 'marriage is hard work'.

Just don't spoil the celebration with realism.

triplejump · 12/12/2010 11:38

Doobies - maybe she is on MN and so knows that you still being a negative. What was the trying to conceive comment about?

We obviously are only hearing one side of the story.

triplejump · 12/12/2010 11:40

Laquitar has got it exactly right!!

otchayaniye · 12/12/2010 11:41

I love the idea that corporate high fliers aren't expected to breed.

That's the really judgmental issue here.

ShanahansRevenge · 12/12/2010 11:43

YANBU at all....you might have saved her from a shock indeed.

orangepoo · 12/12/2010 11:43

OP - I think I would have kept it zipped in your position.

Their lives might not change - they could get a day nanny and a night nanny in from day 1 if they choose (assuming they are really rich and are OK with that).

Having said that, I suppose she did sort of wave a red rag saying that how well you cope depends on your personality . I should think it has a whole lot more to do with the baby's personality.

Her initial comments seemed to indicate that she thinks her personality is made of steel so she'll have no prob with a baby. But then she's crying over a few (true) words! Anyway I think you should probably apologise and quit with the parenting advice unless asked.

CrazyChristmasLady · 12/12/2010 11:44

I don't think it was harsh. She sounded like she was having a dig at you tbh, about the personality type not coping comment.

Someone needed to say it to her. Of course a baby is going to change your life!

BearCrimble · 12/12/2010 11:44

I think the SIL was rude and unnecessary with her original dig and then proved that by what she said when Doobies tried to make amends.

Sadly SIL will probably sail through early motherhood just to be even more annoying.

CrazyChristmasLady · 12/12/2010 11:46

Oh and my 19 year old brother thinks that his children won't have any noisy toys (because he hates them) and he is going to sit with his ipod in.

I did tell him I would be reminding him of that one day (whilst laughing at him).

He is a good uncle though and adores his nephew. I would just say he is glad he doesn't have any of his own at the moment.

mamatomany · 12/12/2010 11:46

For some people life doesn't change, I know several people in DD age 6's class who you genuinely wouldn't know have two children, they work full time, are out most nights and have regular weekends away alone.
It doesn't have to change but most people want their lives to which why they have the DC's.

Limara · 12/12/2010 11:47

SIL ''Not everyone finds it tough and it depends on your personality as to how well you cope.''

Q. How would SIL know this to be true, she hasn't had the baby yet?

She was insensitive especially if she know's how Doobies has coped/not coped with motherhood.

I will say that maybe Doobies shouldn't have said what she said but then she would have got home and fumed about it.

At least both of them has made their point and Doobies has apologised.

Doobies as you and everybody else knows motherhood is rewarding and tough, keep the communication lines open between you and her.

Maybe this high flyer will come crashing down and maybe you'll be there to pick her up. Yeah, I'm naff

otchayaniye · 12/12/2010 11:47

Isn't it also a condition of being pregnant with your first child that possess all sorts of ill-founded ideas and unrealistic preconceptions (forgive pun)?

Before mine I (we) was booking a c-section, hiring a maid-cum-nanny, I was returning to work 5 days a week at 3 months, I had bought the Gina Ford books, I was planning on only feeding for 8 weeks, booking flights for holidays etc.

Then it turned out I did AP, never bought prams, strollers or a cots, am breastfeeding past 2 years, went back to part time work at 15 months and my hitherto high flying husband is a SAHD out of choice.

I really would have taken against you for trying to prick my bubble.

DuelingFanio · 12/12/2010 11:48

what's sad about sailing through early motherhood? Does everything have to be a competition?

more than a few chips on shoulders here I think!

JingleBelleDameSansMerci · 12/12/2010 11:48

Having been a corporate high flyer who thought her life wouldn't change overly much with a child (and whose career is now trashed), I'd say that what you said is probably right but that you possibly could have said it more tactfully...

Having said that, her response to you calling was extremely rude.

I suspect there's a lot more going on here than this isolated incident!!

pippitysqueakity · 12/12/2010 11:48

this is so much not the time to be taking stands. You were both a bit unreasonable, and I'm sure you realise it, and she will soon enough. Is it worth falling out about if you usually get on ok?
Wish I was pg again and could blame my moods on that, but no, am just an old grump, let her enjoy it, but really don't take it all too much to heart.

amelem · 12/12/2010 11:48

sounds like you both said harsh things to each other in the heat of the moment. Hope you can make amends.

jaggythistle · 12/12/2010 11:52

If you are happy to hand the baby off to GPs or whoever from day 1, your lives might not really change.

My BIL and SIL had (and have) a very busy social life, which hasn't changed a lot since my nearly 1 year old DN arrived. She does a lot of overnight stays with my PIL and her other GPs.

DH and I chose to do the opposite and spend as much time as possible with DS while he is little. DH has actually taken a year off work and we are living off one wage to do this. It has also saved the effort of finding childcare. Both GPs live further away from us though.

Depends what you choose to do I guess...

thumbplumpuddingwitch · 12/12/2010 11:53

Watch and wait, OP, watch and wait.
She was bloody rude, implying that you are somehow an inferior being, incapable of coping properly with a baby (yes, that IS how I would have taken it); and you retaliated because she irritated the fuck out of you (unsurprisingly). Smug superiority from people without DC is rather hard to take, I find. I usually respond with much laughing.

ANYway - let it go. She'll see. And who knows, she might turn out to be one of those women who refuses to let the baby inhibit their lifestyle in any way - I do have a friend who managed that fairly well after the first few months, much to most people's amazement. She's not smugly superior, either - she just has a knack of getting people to fall in with her plans, and clearly this extended to her baby!

diddl · 12/12/2010 12:00

OP-why did you think SIL was having a dig at you?

It´s true that not everyone finds it tough & difficult to cope-why would that bother anyone?

I would have hated it if someone spoke as patronisingly as you did.

montysorry · 12/12/2010 12:02

Tbh, I think if a lot more first time parents really were aware of the reality then it wouldn't be such a big shock when baby arrives and perhaps lead to less stress and depression.

The most smug parents to be we have ever known have found it the hardest when their baby came along. I support her as they're good friends but I'm sure it would have been a little easier for her had she not blindly assumed nothing would change.

montysorry · 12/12/2010 12:03

And everything Thumbwitch just said!

mistletoekisses · 12/12/2010 12:11

OP - YABU.

Come on, you've been pregnant and therefore you must know how emotional crazy pregnancy can make you.

You were a bit harsh and tactless and I would say in future that unless advice is expressly sought from someone(anyone) regarding pregnancy/ childbirth/ rearing children, just nod sagely and stay quiet.

Unwelcome advice is never received well.

And re. the baby not upending their lives? It depends on the resources available to you. I know someone who between a maternity nanny, then fulltime help managed to not let their baby derail their lifestyle too much. Each to their own.

Apologise OP, life is too short and she needs to feel supported right now.

wildfig · 12/12/2010 12:11

OP: "We were quite surprised because they are corporate high flyers and we never thought they would have kids."

Have you perhaps made her feel in the past that her personality is somehow deficient, because she's put her career before taking time out to have children? You say she's been TTC for a few months; it's probably a bit longer than that, and she's maybe found it frustrating, if she's always been able to control her business life.

Sure, she has no idea what's coming in the same way that you do. But it sounds like there's a bit more to it for everyone to be over-reacting like this.

DuelingFanio · 12/12/2010 12:15

Maybe she didn't put her career before anything. Maybe she has a career and is now going to have children and then carry on with her career. Him too.

I know plenty of people who have jobs/careers and still manage to fit a family into their lives by working together to provide childcare when needed. Not everyone wants to spend every second of the day with their children.

TheMonster · 12/12/2010 12:17

She was, in a way, criticising you. What you said, whilst it could be seen as harsh, was true. She's realise that in a few months time!

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread