to be bored with myself and to want to become a Jilly Cooper character for the winter?

[BalloonSlayer]

I want to sit in front of a fire of apple logs, wearing only a Dark Blue towel.

I want a rosy-cheeked face which I have to tone down with green foundation, instead of looking like a corpse unless I put on loads of blusher.

I want to drink three quarters of a bottle of Moet before doing ANYTHING. (Including: getting up in the morning or taking an important exam.)

I want an Absolutely Filthy Mini instead of a people carrier.

I want DH to do thumb exercises so that the ball of his thumb becomes pudgy because apparently that's sexy or something .

I want to lose loads and loads of weight every time I am a bit sad about something, so that everyone who thought I was a minger before is suddenly struck by my beauty, instead of eating cakes to cheer myself up and getting fatter.

AIBU?

And I would also like to be constantly feeding people smoked salmon sandwiches (ooh, I do this already! How fab!) and Sancerre (I don't do this, it's Chablis) while looking fabulous and drifting about the house reading and drinking instead of unpacking (a la Maud O Hara)

So what does looking boot-faced actually look like? That's one that's always puzzled me...

I'd also occasionally like a gorgeous man to call me 'angel' and drive me, too fast, to a stately pile to meet his terrifying old boot of a mother. Actually, scrap that last bit, make it a London restaurant.

And I'd love to have to flog a Gainsborough rather than think about working for a living. Even if it did leave a bit of space on the walls of my long, low, mansion which is made of warm Cotswold stone and lies like a lion in the Larkshire valley.

I will loose a few pounds which will reveal ravishing cheekbones and doe eyes. I will be whisked to the South of France by a mahogany tanned seventies tennis star with porn moustache where I will float around in pastel coloured clothes.

Bootfaced is cats-bum-faced, surely?

I'd like to buy an outrageous dress for a party and eat nothing but grapefruit for three days in order to get into it.

I want to be really poor but still manage to live in a delightful tumble down cottage and have an affair and be given champagne and cashmere jerseys and have everyone fall in love with me.

I think we need Jilly on for a webchat actually.....

After being catastrophically sunburnt, my skin will mellow to a golden tan that perfectly offsets my mane of naturally sunbleached hair which is kept in place with an enormous pair of sunglasses propped artlessless on top of my head.

My huge eyes will fill with tears whenever words like "puppies" and "poor people" are mentioned.

The tetchy hero's eyebrow will rise appreciatively as I innocently bend over in my inadequate bikini.

I shall call everything and everyone "s-oooo sweeeet".

When I think Bootfaced, I see Molly Sugden for some reason. Which is a shame, cos she was lovely. :)

That's maybe more it Euphe, I couldn't really see it as cat's bum.

I'd like the workmen who come to my house to look like Richard Armitage, rather than Rab C Nesbitt.

I want to be Tori for a bit so I can eat cornflakes with double cream under my duvet at night
Then losing three stone due to about a weeks lovesickness.

I want to be totally disorganised and yet still find myself supplied with smoked salmon/Moet/cake/jam by my nicest neighbours

I want to live within stumbling distance of a pub with cosy little rooms and an open fire and a permanently cheerful landlord that serves delicious food

I couldn't bear to be as doormattish as most of Jilly's heroines so I might have to be Perdita

I want to be able to be a complete and utter screaming selfish bitch to all and sundry but at the same time dote on various scabby and/or incontinent animals and anthropomophise them to a degree that would normally only be tolerated in a four year old, as if that somehow makes up for my treatment of humans.

Haha BS, yes, I want to be Perdita too... (except I'd like to have a chance to have Ricky before my mother gets her hands on him). Still Luke... dreamy look

BS - that makes you Liz Jones, not a JC heroine

So it does!!

Do you think Liz Jones is trying to live the Jilly life for real?

We should send her a questionnaire:

1. How do you wash your dishes

a) in the sink b) in the dishwasher c) in the washing-up machine. Which is broken

1. What do you call your female genital organs?

a) my vulva and vagina b) my fanjo c) my bush

1. What do you wear on you feet when walking the dogs?

a) Jimmy Choos with five inch heels b) wellies c) gumboots

Who would you most like lying on your bed

a) Rupert Campbell-Black
b) Billy Fox-Lloyd
c) A mangy dog with fleas

d) Lysander Hawkley

What car do you (un-rich person) drive?
a) Mini
b) Golf
c) There are no other cars ever invented in your price range, sorry, it'll have to be a) or b)

What's in your fridge ?

a)jars of home made chutney

b)casseroles and pies that others have made you out of sympathy for your plight

c)Bottles of champagne and caviar, but no actual milk

d) Drive? That's what the chauffeur's for

Stop being so fatuous!