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Original poster

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr - my adoption approval panel date is being moved because I'm fat

97 replies

bran · 29/02/2008 14:21

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGG!

I'm the same weight as I've been all through the assessment, the same weight as I was when we adopted ds and the same weight as I was last time we were approved. How is it that they have only just noticed 12 days before panel that I am fat!

It's so fecking annoying.

OP posts:
motherinferior · 29/02/2008 14:22

Oh sweetheart

I know there have to be all kinds of provisos about health and longevity and That Sort Of Thing, but wtf??

fryalot · 29/02/2008 14:22

what?

they can do this?

Mercy · 29/02/2008 14:23

What does your weight have to do with it? Confused

Original poster
bran · 29/02/2008 14:31

Well, to be fair, I am fat. Very fat. About 5 stone above my ideal BMI. But I have been for years, and I'm otherwise healthy, fit and very active. As I say, it wasn't an issue at all last time around, but I can accept that they may have changed their priorities on this. Couldn't they have kicked up a fuss earlier though and not had to cancel the panel date?

DH is going to hit the roof, and probably make my life miserable for the forseeable future. [grumpy]

OP posts:
Original poster
bran · 29/02/2008 15:52

Sorry, I didn't finish post as ds woke up and wanted me (he's off school with a temperature).

Mercy, they consider general health because they want the adopted child to have a good chance of not losing a parent before they reach adulthood, which is good obviously. They also specifically consider weight issues in case an overweight adult has either an eating disorder or a bad diet that they might pass on to their adopted child.

I don't really have a problem with them considering it, just that they waited until 12 days before panel to consider it.

I don't get on terribly well with our social worker, she's a bit patronising which I really don't respond well to, so keep your fingers crossed that I don't tell her to shove the panel up her arse.

OP posts:
misdee · 29/02/2008 15:55

oh poo

anything that can be done?

Original poster
bran · 29/02/2008 15:58

Nothing to be done misdee, I'm not sure what they're going to suggest at the meeting. Just wait and see I guess.

OP posts:
Mercy · 29/02/2008 16:10

Thanks for explaining bran.

I hope it all works out for you in the end. Good luck

happystory · 29/02/2008 16:16

How upsetting for you. I know all about the powers of these panels.

I'm sure you have thought of this but could you let them have an overview of your daily life (swimming, going to the park etc) and what your ds eats and so on. Awfully invasive I know but if they are going to make you turn cartwheels like this perhaps you have to play them at their own game...

hifi · 29/02/2008 16:34

hi bran, sorry to hear. thats really bad that they waited so close to panel.
i do know they are being more strict about weight now. one lady who fosters, and wants to now adopt her charges ,is having problems as she is very overweight. she has had the children for 6 years and it hasnt been a problem. somehow its a problem now. fingers crossed it might all work out.

Mumcentreplus · 29/02/2008 16:38

So sorry to hear your sad news hun..hope it all works out for you..

Original poster
bran · 29/02/2008 16:56

DH has just made me laugh. He emailed back "Aren't you the same weight as when we adopted ds? X and Y (two social workers we've had lots of dealings with) must be heavier than you. Clearly weight doesn't affect becoming a social worker."

I'm overweight because I have PCOS, and a fondness for carbs. I don't eat junk food or obvious sugar (eg sweets, chocolate), I don't drink much (less than 5 units a month). I can, and frequently do, walk at London speed for at least an hour without losing my breath. My bp and other health indicators are all normal. TBH when we got ds and he started eating the same food as us we had to make his food less "healthy" because the low-fat, high-fibre, low-calorie type of adult food that we eat is wrong for a toddler, especially a small, skinny one.

What I will probably end up doing is cutting all carbs out of my diet (I love brown basmati rice) and taking Metformin which is a drug that often makes the metabolism of women with PCOS operate more like a normal metabolism, but I was hoping not to as there are some unpleasant side-effects.

None of this is particularly a problem, it's just the last minute nature of it, and the patronising tone of my sw. There is a disproportionate number of over-weight women among potential adoptors, I wasn't the only, or even the fattest woman on the training course. And I would bet that there are lots of women with PCOS who want to adopt because they are infertile, so if it's an issue why not address it at the beginning of the process?

OP posts:
hotbot · 29/02/2008 17:01

RIDICULOUS, esp inview of yuo having 1 healthy lovely ds

edam · 29/02/2008 17:03

WTF? This is madness. Are they really going to leave children languishing in care because willing, decent adoptive parents are 'too fat'?

Christ on a bike, SS are madder than a box of frogs. Can't believe they put you a situation where you have to take pharmaceutical drugs in order to be 'acceptable'. In what universe is that deemed 'healthier', for heavens sake?

My mother was adopted in the days when all potential parents had to do was step forward. I'm sure my grandparents would be turned down these days, on age grounds alone. And my mother would have missed out on a loving family who did everything they could for her. Would have probably ended up being shipped out to some ghastly abusive bunch of religious nutters overseas, like so many WW2 orphans.

Janni · 29/02/2008 17:12

So are they going to set you some sort of 'target weight' before they will consider taking you to panel? Has this come from their medical advisor or from the box of frogs which is L.A. Soc Services? (Been there, done that, got the DD. It only took three fecking years despite her being a child from the same LA . God I hate them )

Original poster
bran · 29/02/2008 17:15

Don't worry edam, they don't have any potential child in the system that would be a match for us, so nobody is languishing. We're a difficult ethnicity to match anyway as dh is Asian Christian and most mixed asian kids around here have a Muslim background.

I can see that having a normal bmi (it's 35.5 at the moment) will give us a better comptetive edge, so it's not all bad. Our next child has to be at least 2 years younger than ds, and he will be 4 in June. There is actually no shortage of potential adoptors for this age group, mostly it's children who are older or have severe emotional/physical health issues or are part of a sibling group that sadly languish.

I do sort of wish now that we had gone for a sibling group last time around, but I wasn't that confident in my parenting ability then (not having parented before). Anyway, I can't imagine not having ds and having a different child/children instead, so really I'm glad that it worked out the way it did last time.

OP posts:
happystory · 29/02/2008 17:23

Out of interest, bran, have you spoken to ds about having a sibling? Telling our ds he was going to have a little sister was a heart-stopping moment I can tell you!

Original poster
bran · 29/02/2008 17:25

Crossed with Janni - it took us 3 years to get ds as well, also from our own LA. TBH they will overlook loads of things if they need to get a child placed to meet their targets, I think it's because they don't have a child for us at the moment that they have all this leisure to over-think our situation.

I don't think the issue is coming from the medical adviser, although she has apparently noted that I am over-weight but healthy in her report. The impression my sw gave is that the panel will have a problem with it and may turn us down unless the "issue is addressed". She said exactly the same thing when we had a matching panel for ds but when we went to panel they didn't say a word, in fact I asked them if they had any questions for me about my weight and they looked at me blankly and said "no".

This same sw wanted us to move ds to school from nursery a term early (Sept instead of Jan) before they even started the assessment because we "might" go to panel in Jan or Feb and the panel "might" have a problem with ds being too unsettled from the move to be able to accept a new sibling.

OP posts:
Original poster
bran · 29/02/2008 17:29

Crossed with you happystory, we've been talking to him for ages about the possibility, long before we started the assessment. He's really keen as he's a total extrovert, so the more people around the better. He's getting a bit fed up with the waiting though, he keeps asking the sw if she has found a brother or sister everytime he sees her. A story about an oak tree growing from an acorn and taking a long time to do it has helped a lot.

OP posts:
Egg · 29/02/2008 17:29

Sorry have only read OP but what difference does it make if you are fat? Does that mean you can't be a good parent? Can understand if you are 50 stone or something and therefore pretty immobile but presume that is not the case.

MargeSimpsonMyAlterEgo · 29/02/2008 17:36

Hmmm. Bad. Perhaps mention to the SWs that you teach your children to appreciate other people for who they are and not what they look like...

I know how frustrating delays can be - I have a friend going through this at the moment. Hang in there.

whichwitch · 29/02/2008 17:39

Sorry but I think that is madness - and assuming that you do not have a known limited lifespan - IMO they have no right to make such moral judgements as it doesn't affect the quality of home you are giving to someone who needs your love - sorry for your family - makes me wonder where we are going with this gov.

Janni · 29/02/2008 18:37

I think in a very calm, assertive way, you and your DH need to tell your SW that you insist you be taken to panel asap. If she refuses then you need to be assigned a new SW. If the concern about your weight has not come from the medical advisor then they have no right to make such a judgment about it. Whether they have a child for you or not is irrelevant. Once you have your approval you can approach any authority or private agency of your choice. This is insane and you really need to be assertive here.

april74 · 01/03/2008 17:32

Bran thats awful, do it just before panel is shocking, especially as you have been the same weight all the way through. I agree with Janni, hope it goes well for you.

hoxtonchick · 01/03/2008 17:45

i am and for you bran. have you taken metformin before? i take it for my diabetes & don't have any of the potentially evil side effects so you never know, you might be lucky. happy to talk to your more about it if you'd like. take care. xxxx