Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr - my adoption approval panel date is being moved because I'm fat

[bran]

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGG!

I'm the same weight as I've been all through the assessment, the same weight as I was when we adopted ds and the same weight as I was last time we were approved. How is it that they have only just noticed 12 days before panel that I am fat!

It's so fecking annoying.

Bran - I had a similar bu difernt problem - I am about 8 stone overwieght for exaclt y the same reasons. My sw didn't have a problme with it but my GP did (along with my being single) my GO recommended another opinion which delayed panel approval (I went to panel but it was adjourned without an approval because of the medical). I panicked big time. My SW was very supportive and lovely lovely medical advisor rang up the GP doing the second medical and siad "we're not interested in what you think of her, just in whether you think she is medically fit to parent a child" The GP had actually written on the medical that she wanted a second opinion because she "didn't know me"! I did point out that another medical form someone else who didn;t know me asn;t going to be a great help

You now that this is just one of those adoption blips don't you? it will all get sorted after the appropriate number of people have rattled their sabres.

bran - unless the SW is medically qualified i dont see how she has the authority to disagree with the medical opinion of your GP and the panel medical advisor. i think you should speak to her senior ASAP. she is out of order

lets face it, the panel who approved you last time, the matching panel for your Ds and the court who granted the adoption order obviously didn't think that your weight affected your ability as a parent

as there are no questions about your lifestyle or your parenting ( you are not feeding your Ds crap or are too inactive to care for him), this is purely a medical issues and she has no remit here

whilst it is true SW cannot have a medical opinion on bran in practice it is easy for a sw to be difficult and delay things. It sounds a bit like this is whats happening.

Yes, what Kewcumber says is true. In this case my sw feels that the panel will turn us down as adoptors if we go forward next week, and they don't usually send people to panel unless they are sure they will be approved.

The good news is that her supervisor is coming with her to see me next week. She used to be our social worker before she got promoted and she's great, sensible, diplomatic and much less of a jobs-worth.

I'll let you know how it goes.

bran - do you have a good relationship with your GP? have you seen a copy of your medical report that your GP wrote for panel

i think you shoudl get a copy before the meeting in case there are any issues there.you dont want to be ambushed.

it might be worth speaking to your Gp too and explaining that you are having hassle from SS. In my experince most GPs dont have a lot of time for SW and will be keen to help you

esp as they knwo you an experienced adoptive parent

good luck

I have the GP report, it's fine, it has my weight on it but no comment about it. I don't have a copy of the SS medical advisor's report so I don't know exactly what she has said, but if she has said anything negative my SW hasn't mentioned it. What my SW seems to be completely focussed on is that the panel will turn us down because I'm fat.

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this right now

I know its probably no consolation..but you know, don't you, that this says nothing about you and the kind of parent you are and EVERYTHING about the sw?

if she considers this a big issue she should have raised it WAY before now. She is a poor SW and probably prejudiced as well

i really don't see how the panel can turn you down over a medical issue in the face of positive medical reports from their own medical advisors. Does she realise that this is what she is saying???????

So although your weight has no health or longevity implications, does not affect your lifestyle or your parenting, it "bothers" the SW??????

I would defo try to speak with your GP on phone or on person and get them on your side. Doctors get really cross when their clinical judgement is contradicted by SW without medical qualifications

Do you know what strikes me? I know so many overweight people whose children are a perfectly normal weight! Our parents' generation just didn't have the knowledge about a healthy diet that we have today.

If you are overweight yourself that probably makes you even more determined to ensure that your children lead a healthy lifestyle! I know it doesn't always follow, and that you do see fat people with very fat children, but in your case the proof is there before their eyes.

I speak as someone who has always had to watch my weight - my bmi is currently about 26 so slightly overweight. I have recently started jogging as I've come to the conclusion that I don't want to eat less, so the only way to shift weight is to burn more calories. If you don't see any more posts from me it'll be because I've given myself a heart attack!

Nothing useful to say, but as a fellow "fat but not unhealthy or lazy" adoptive parent, you have my deepest sympathy.

And I agree with fortyplus; being fat myself since childhood has made me even more determined that DS will NOT be.

Right! I just had a very interesting meeting with my sw and her supervisor. It turns out that the new-ish medical advisor has "major reservations" about my BMI and said that I need to start a weight reducing program urgently. Also the panel have been not approving couples where the medical advisor has had negative feedback about BMI, including some couples who were previously approved and are only back at panel for an annual re-approval. So rather than putting couples through the strain of panel and then refusal they are pulling them out until they have had a meeting with the medical advisor on weight issues, followed by a training session for the panel on how to interpret medical advice.

Reading between the lines the SWs are very concerned (and more than a little pissed off) that quite a large proportion of their potential adoptors are not going to be approved, and they are going to beat the medical advisor and the panel with big sticks to make them see sense.

I have said that I consider my lifestyle to be healthy and as such I will not agree to go to panel until I have been given clear and firm targets about what an "approvable" BMI is, at which time dh and I will decide whether it's achievable or not, and will drop out if not achieveable. I won't accept wishy-washy targets, it either has to be X BMI, or X average number of pounds lost per week, or X hours of exercise per week (if they want to go down the lifestyle route). That way I can decide whether I need to take Metformin or not. Most important is that I don't want to be left uncertain for months on the possiblity of being approved as it would be unfair on ds who is looking forward to a new brother or sister.

So, on the positive side, my SW is much less negative than I thought (in fact she was fairly annoyed on my behalf as she had been quite thorough on writing up my lifestyle in her assement to show that it was healthy and active). On the negative side, I'm not likely to be approved unless the panel can be beaten into submission persuaded to lighten up a bit.

ooh blimey bran - that doesn't bode well for me - I hope its not a general move amongst medical advisors to panels...

oh bran I'm sorry to hear this

I can understand why you want a definite target so you can decide what to do

Its my understanding that panel medical advisors are usually consultants in community medecine and not specialists in obesity. So she will need to tread very carefully in laying down rules

i have a suspicion that this is just part of the general process of setting the bar higher and higher, as there are fewer and fewer babies and young children available for adoption and most of them coem from a high risk background

they used to approve prospective adopters with a history of mental health problems, but now thats very difficult

Hi Bran- have only skim read but would like to help you if poss. I do lymphatic drainage massage and mainly help people to lose weight. If you're not wanting to take metformin maybe you could consider visiting a qualified herbalist. This will help sort hormones out and get metabolism back to normal.When that's sorted you can move onto herbs that will help the lymph system which in turn will speed weight loss. (I am currently taking lymph specific herbs cos I ate like a horse during pregnancy and put 4 stone on. I lost a stone in the first week of taking these herbs)
Also check out LECITHIN GRANULES- this is a soya product that helps body break down fat. (It's bloody marvellous!)
Dietry-wise make sure you limit complex carbs to breakfast and lunch and don't mix with protein. Cut out bread and pasta cos they'l stodge up your guts and thicken lymph with mucous which will lead to sluggish elimination of waste and the storage of fat.
Cut out cheese.
If you're interested there's an excellent book Raw Energy by Leslie Kenton. This is a fantastic way to lose weight and lose years off your face and you'll feel amazing! I did it for 2 years and felt incredible. I wish I'd never stopped but I do love pizzas and cake!!
If you're anywhere near Leeds I can recommend a very good herbalist and a fabulous colonic hydrotherapist. (colonic irrigation done correctly is very effective in kickstarting wieght-loss)

Anyway I hope some of this will help you and I wish you lots of love and luck with your adoption process. xx

Dawn French

"She is perfectly content with her weight, she adds, but it became an issue during the adoption procedure. "I was told that I had to lose weight ? it was non-negotiable. That was hard for me. No-one had ever said that to me before, and I had never agreed to do it before. I'm actually the sort of person for whom it's quite a big deal not to [lose weight]. I'm so comfortable after all these years, and I thought, 'who are they to tell me this, unless they can prove to me that I'm going to die?'.

"What they were looking at was charts. I had to be in the middle of a chart, and I don't want to be in the middle of anybody's chart. But I was told, 'These are the rules'. I had to lose five stone, and I did. They said, 'Are you going to whack it back on straight away?'. I said 'I don't know. I've never done it before. But I'm not going to spitefully eat loads of doughnuts, if that's what you mean'.""

Are you thinking of doing it all again Kewcumber? Do you think you'd go back to Kahzak again? It would be a wonderful trip for Gerkin.

I'm not sure whether this is specific to this medical advisor or whether it's a general bar raising as KristinaM suspects. I'll just have to wait and see I guess.

Thanks for all your advice manuka, I'm going to have a look at that book on Amazon.

I remember that Dawn French had to lose all that weight MP, in fact the first time around for adoption I was expecting them to ask me to lose weight because of what I'd read about her experience, but nobody seemed bothered at all then. Which is why it's a bit more of a shock this time. I love the "not ... spitefully eat doughnuts" comment.

Crumbs. and arse. It's madness. Like it's only the overweight who have eating disorders and poor dietary habits to pass onto their children and everyone who is overweight has bad habits to pass on[double ]

If you haven't already, can you put in that your weight makes you more aware of the need to give a child a good diet? I know that's playing into their patronism, but it might get you where you want to be.

It is all bollocks though.

Say you've started an exercise programme involving you whittling a Krispy Kreme storage facility from a giant redwood with a small emery board. You'll need to stockpile those doughnuts. Start now.

update please bran - whats happening???

Ohh, I was just about to go an have an early night when this popped up.

Things are a bit stalled at the moment. Our SW was quite keen to get us into a May panel, but not absolutely sure that we would be approved. She also wanted to do a huge amount of stuff to 'prove' that I have a healthy lifestyle and was taking steps to loose weight, like diet sheets, exercise diaries. In the meantime I had a bloodtest in relation to my PCOS and it turned out that I was in the early stages of type 2 diabetes (no symptoms or anything, but the fasting bloodtest had some sugar in it). I was already considering taking Metformin for the PCOS (it helps with weight loss), and it is the most usual treatment for type 2 diabetes anyway so that made the decision for me.

So I told the SW that I had been diagnosed with diabetes, and that dh and I had decided to give it a break for a while to see if I could lose weight and we would get back to her in June.

Once I started on the Metformin I immediately started losing weight reasonably quickly (between half a kilo and a kilo a week). I haven't really had to change much about my diet as it was already fairly low gi, so I've just cut out the obvious treats like a biscuit when having coffee with a friend or a glass of juice with breakfast. I've also just started seeing a personal trainer which is good fun, if a bit knackering.

DS is continuing to back up that recent research that found there is no correlation between the body mass of an adopted child and his/her adoptive parents by being as thin as a rake despite eating well.

great to hear from you so soon. i was thinking about you. even Dh was asking as a ..ahem...well built chap he has some experience of prejudice like this

you sound really positive about it all well done for hanging on it there

I'm glad you've had your diabetes diagnosed - as you know it can cause all sorts of problems if it remains undetected so at least you know what you are batting against

I'm impressed with the healthy eating and even a personal trainer...you are one determined woman. but then we know that to have survived the system thus far to get DS1

are you hoping to go back to panel in the autunm? There might not be one in August and as you knwo they can get booked up so don't hang about

hope you will soon be putting up two fingers ( metaphorically speaking of course) to the SW and panel medical advisor

Thanks Kristina. My trainer is determined that I will swank into the panel all trim and svelte, and stun the panel into shocked silence. I suspect that it would need some pretty special magic knickers to make that happen.

I'm not sure when we will go to panel, I'll see when the SW thinks when we talk to her in June. TBH there is a fair chance that we won't be adopting again as we may move back to Dublin in the future (next 12-18 months although we could delay if needed), so we would have to be matched with a child quite quickly in order to get the final court hearing done before we move. And I think I would be fine with having an only child, but I know that DS would love a sibling as he is very sociable and DH is very keen to have more than one child.

I had forgotten about not having panels in August, thanks for the reminder. There are two panels a month so hopefully there isn't too much of a backlog. Anyway, it doesn't really matter when the approval panel date is if they don't have a child for us yet.

sorry to disagree about the panel date but it DOES matter. once you have been approved for a certain number of months ( i think 3??) you can join the national database and look for kids all over the country. sorry i'm out of touch so i dont know what its actually called. also you can search for children yourself using other recourses, like the Adoption Uk magazine. i think BAAf also still advertise children? your local authority may not have a match for you but someone else might.

if you decide to go ahead that is. one child is great if you woudl be happy. you will just accomodate Ds in other ways eg live in a place with plenty kids, have lots of play dates , join clubs, sports etc

you might get a sibling for him and they don't get on

We were on our training when they told me that we may be turned down because of my weight. I was heartbroken and went on a crash diet before my medical, one tiny meal a day for about six weeks. We got through though.

It is a major issue (especially in my case, being so overwight), but if it is the only health issue you have you cannot be turned down.

There is never a good time to hear that this is a problem,but my heart goes out to you having your panel date put back. Good luck!

Oh for heaven's sake, if you've got PCOS you have a reason for being overweight. SWs are clearly discriminatory and have very nasty attitudes to human beings.

Good news re. finding out about the diabetes though.

yes edam, i was hoping ( in a kind of warped way) that because diabetes is a better known condition than PCOS then she might qualify as " disabled" and therefore protected by some legislation. but all a bit immaterial really if they are moving to ROI

at poor tehshelf having to go on a crash diet. most unhealthy