Things you learned about life from MN

[VoltaireMittyDream]

I grew up before the internet and reality TV, so all you could know about people came from fiction, and the world around you.

I never knew any cocklodgers growing up.

All the men (and most of the women) I knew were uptight, tortured workaholics - which wasn’t great either, and the men still demanded a disproportionate amount of emotional and administrative and domestic support from their female partners.

But until I joined MN I had no idea how many men out there take no pride in a work ethic or professional identity, and feel no responsibility to pay their own way. And it is SO common on here - across class and education levels and cultures and nationalities. All these freeloading men! I never knew!

I also had no idea how much variation there was in couples’ approaches to money. Long-married couples with strictly separate finances who insist on being paid half for a pint of milk. Families where all child related costs come out of the mother’s earnings & the father’s money is all his own. Couples where it’s totally normal to talk about money, and couples where it’s completely taboo.

And sex! I’m in awe of the people who have sex every day even when their fastidiousness requires them to cover the bed in special sex towels beforehand and boil wash the sheets immediately afterwards and hose themselves down with disinfectant before and after.

I also had no idea how all-consuming elder care was until my own experience brought me to the Elderly Parents board, and I discovered a whole massive parallel universe of ageing parents whose ‘independence’ comes at vast emotional, professional, and financial expense to their daughters.

What other different realities have people had their eyes opened to on here?

I've mostly learned that pressure cookers can be useful and that so many women (myself included) don't set a high enough bar for men's behaviour and attitudes.

That some people (as in a couple or couple with two small children), can devour a whole 1.7 kg chicken at one meal and not (like me) manage to get 3 x meals for two adults each from it.

That most mumsnetters are polar bears and don't put the heating on until the inside temperature drops to single figures.

I learned that some people don’t have toilet brushes or a bin in their bathroom

I learnt that a lot off parents financially support their children past 16 and pay for driving lessons, cars, phones and holidays.

That people wash curtains

Like you, my main one has been how awful some men are. All the men I know in real life seem pretty decent, they all have jobs, they are all good husbands as far as anyone can tell.

Also how prevalent marital (or partner) split is. I know one couple with children who split up - everyone else in my circle of friends is still together and gets along fine, or was sadly widowed. In fact I know more people who never got married and had kids in the first place than who got divorced.

.

That opinion differs on almost every subject/thread, including the ones where you think there’ll be 100% agreement. There never is. It’s fascinating!

If you move house you have to keep a dedicated bedroom for each of your adult children forever.
Step mums are always wrong.

A serious one... how low student loans are now. Im very pleased we found put when our DDs were Primary age not when they were 16 or so!

Liighthearted... looks like im not an over protective parent like my children sometimes claim- Because theyve been allowed out of the house without an escort before they are 25.

And dont even think abput seapping bedrooms so the child living at home has theboxroom forever, while double ensuite rooms sit empty while the former occupants visit once a year for dinner

The money divide was new to me . Especially when a woman would say that she can't afford something " out of her wages" . Old school was that he made it , I spent it as I saw fit including all things family . 😀I was just better at it .
The reality of not having family support . Personally blessed in that way . And even though I didn't like her or have much in common with MIL I tried not to get confrontational.
And the Script . That men cheat and lie to their partners in mostly the same way .

Like a PP, The Script. The cookie cutter dopamine mining of cheating partners. It was so helpful but I think the relationships board may have put me off for life!

I'd never have married a man with three kids if I'd read a few threads on Mumsnet first. Weirdly, things have turned out okay.

Yes the Script! And the mental load.

I didn’t realise the level of signficant jealousy issues some people have and how it makes them judgey , as in they attack and judge rather than admit their envy,

I didn’t realise how many women have issues with their bodies, mainly due to weight.

i didn’t realise how many women love to talk about food, the food they love and food they wish to eat, with descriptors like drooling, lashings of butter, cheese, delicious etc

I didn’t realise how widespread portion control issues were, with people thinking nothing of eating large quantities of chocolate , donuts, cakes, or ordering several dishes for themselves alone for a takeaway

i didn’t realise how many women competed against other women and compared themselves.

i didn’t realise how many women attack and judge other women, about their appearance and personal grooming habits,

I didn’t realise how many women are bitter about their relationships and urge other women to end theirs over minor indiscretions, rather than urging them to talk it out and resolve

I didn’t realise how many women are desperately lonely, and want to make friends with school mums and will attack and call them cliques, snobs, queen bees etc if they don’t get invited to join,

I don’t know any women who behave like this, so it was and is a shock to me, this is how many think, feel and behave,

I think you get a different look into people's lives when everything's apparently anonymous and temporary and people can name change or delete their account if they've been "too" candid. For example, in real life I would not be able to identify a "cocklodger" unless his partner complained to me or in my hearing about him, so there might have been dozens when I was small!

Still, the question that surprises me most here is whether it's unreasonable, unrealistic, unfair, mean, etc. to expect one's husband/partner to do some of the housework and childcare (for his own children) when he's been doing none or perhaps up to 10% if asked/nagged. I fall into the trap of assuming that the OP is a SAHP and I'm prepared to say that the husband/father should be picking up roughly half of what's left when he's home. Then the OP updates to say that they both work full time or even that she works significantly longer hours than him. Just - how can he do nothing? And how can she excuse (and often love and respect and be attracted to) someone who's supposed to love her and want best for her just taking full advantage like that, having no regard for her time and effort? I probably knew that there were SOME cases like that but it's incredibly, depressingly shite that it's so common.

Low carb boot camp has given me the means to make peace with food and my body. Although I’m older I’m as fit and as strong as I ever have been in my life. I’m so glad I found it and really value the dampening down of both the drive to eat mostly rubbish and the thought that I wasn’t looking after myself properly

Cannot express how grateful I am for that.

oh and the delightful acronym ODFOD. Magic.

I’ve learned an awful lot about SEN and so called ‘invisible’ disabilities. 10 years ago I thought ADHD = rowdy children. Now I know much more and can understand why the State needs to step in sometimes to financially support sufferers.

So MN has been very educational in that respect.

I didn't know renewing insurance, booking holidays etc was "life admin" .....

I’ve learned that an awful lot of MNs are actually mums of adult dc. Nothing wrong with that but it does skew some responses to things & a lot of references are very old. It does make me wonder why they bothered to set up Gransnet though

Have learned some good things about money management on the money board.

modern methods of auctions and how shit they are. Which has genuinely been so useful!

Oh & I had no idea some were so obsessed with the RF and want to discuss H&M all day, that’s weird 😆

The sheer volume of adults who won't stand up from themsleves. Let their adult DC, their DH or whoever speak and treat them like dirt and don't have the guts to put someone in their place.