Things you learned about life from MN

[VoltaireMittyDream]

I grew up before the internet and reality TV, so all you could know about people came from fiction, and the world around you.

I never knew any cocklodgers growing up.

All the men (and most of the women) I knew were uptight, tortured workaholics - which wasn’t great either, and the men still demanded a disproportionate amount of emotional and administrative and domestic support from their female partners.

But until I joined MN I had no idea how many men out there take no pride in a work ethic or professional identity, and feel no responsibility to pay their own way. And it is SO common on here - across class and education levels and cultures and nationalities. All these freeloading men! I never knew!

I also had no idea how much variation there was in couples’ approaches to money. Long-married couples with strictly separate finances who insist on being paid half for a pint of milk. Families where all child related costs come out of the mother’s earnings & the father’s money is all his own. Couples where it’s totally normal to talk about money, and couples where it’s completely taboo.

And sex! I’m in awe of the people who have sex every day even when their fastidiousness requires them to cover the bed in special sex towels beforehand and boil wash the sheets immediately afterwards and hose themselves down with disinfectant before and after.

I also had no idea how all-consuming elder care was until my own experience brought me to the Elderly Parents board, and I discovered a whole massive parallel universe of ageing parents whose ‘independence’ comes at vast emotional, professional, and financial expense to their daughters.

What other different realities have people had their eyes opened to on here?

See, this is interesting, because no woman I know IRL, of any age / generation, has a male partner who does laundry or the food shop or meal planning or Christmas shopping or holiday planning or any cleaning beyond maybe loading the dishwasher. Literally none.

It’s not just that I only hear the complaints. When I visit the homes of happily married friends and relatives, the men feel their only responsibility is to chat with the guests while their wives do all the cooking and topping up everyone’s drinks and setting the table and serving and cleaning up and seeing to the kids.

It’s only on MN that I hear about men who do any significant amount of domestic work.

Yes, it definitely skews older. Average age of regular users must be well over 50.

So discussions around housing, finances, childcare etc. are generally irrelevant to my generation (millennial). I got lectured on climbing the property ladder and gaining financial security by someone who was… 68. 😐

And rhe “mental load”

Wow, that’s like something from the 1950s. I don’t know any men who don’t share equally, we all work, and have careers. And the men do half the chores, inc child care, I’m 57 and I’d not have tolerated anything else.

@VoltaireMittyDream can I ask how old you are?

Im 41 and don't know any of my peers in relationships where the men aren’t domesticated.

@Crushed23 I would say 55 plus. I started a thread on it once and was called ageist. I wasn’t trying to be rude but if everyone replying to someone is 15/20 years older it is a skewed perspective and not always relevant. I don’t know where to find more people my age as I don’t like instagram efc.

@VoltaireMittyDreamWondering where on earth you live that that’s the norm! I don’t know anyone in real life where the husband isn’t hands on with kids and chores, other than one couple where she is a SAHM and they also have a nanny and cleaner/housekeeper (so no need for either of them to do much).

The ‘HAM’ threads have probably been the most eye opening for me. I had no idea that so many women are obsessed with them in that way. I find it weird and creepy and wonder how little these women have going on in their own lives that they spend so much time criticising two strangers and dissecting their every movement.

Also the number of anxious/afraid/neurotic people. Don’t like answering the phone, left shaking at minor confrontations, panicking at every cold/flu/covid going around, too anxious to go to work because of some minor issue, working themselves into a state because an invisible boundary has been crossed, usually related to MIL and/or their baby… I don’t know anyone like this in real life.

I agree it’s not always relevant.
On the other sude theycan have exoerience you can kearn from. Like protecting yourself in case of divorce, thinking ahead about pension etc…
So many things I didn’t think about at 30yo but came back to bite me when I was 50yo.

Also I discovered MN more than 20 years ago, when I had my second dc. I stayed and now ofc, I’m part of the ‘older’ generation iyswim

@HallowenStorm yes sometimes it’s very useful to hear from people at that stage and I have always found the money board very useful.

And I think it makes sense that people stay, I have after my first dc. But the platform doesn’t seem to be attracting new younger users so much, I guess too much competition?

People rarely say what they really think of you.

I read a post or thread where a poster was talking about how much 'research' she did about people she'd met on holiday. Assessing how much their home cost, how much they'd earn etc etc etc. Said poster seemed to think this meant she qualified as a PhD level researcher, bless her. Made me wonder if anyone I'd met on holiday was as sad as she was.

I didn't know that medical staff need consent to do whatever to their patient, and that I don't have to do it.

And as others have said - the script and how many awful men there are out there.

Boundaries.
Wish I'd known how to draw them when I was younger.

That some woman get divorced and choose not to date again until their children are fully grown adults. Someone on here swore blind that she wouldn’t deem it acceptable to do so until her youngest turned TWENTY FIVE.

A few years ago now - but was so happy and relieved to see others felt like me about the gender wang issue. At first it felt like the world was going mad. Thank god for terf island.

I’m actually shocked at how horrible step parents can be on here. Totally gobsmacked!

What Ive learn here?
Autism
Boundaries
the FOG
Some dynamics in marriage
About English/British culture (I’m French. I’m still discovering things after 25+ years in the U.K. 😁)
how much my (our?) lives are shaped by sexism and misogyny.

I’ve learnt how bad parents can be too.
it opened my eyes to how my parents are/were and the cptsd I have from that time.

The Relationships board made me realise how abusive my previous relationship was. I'd never heard of the script or gaslighting. It was a genuine relief to understand that I wasn't going mad when I remembered things that he told me never happened.

The class obsession was something I didn’t know about (2nd gen immigrant)

Awww that’s a shame…mine fully looks after me, I’m the disappointment in my relationship 🫣

I’m currently sat in my kitchen playing on my phone while he looks after the chilli he is making

This is quite specific, but I see that a fair few people seem to be fully aware of neurodiversity and the various traits of people with ASD, for example, but the concept of adjusting their own language or expectations in order to help out someone who doesn't think like them is almost an affront. (E.g. not wanting to clarify an ambiguous request, or assuming someone is simply being spoilt or difficult if they find a situation problematic).

I learned just how low many women set the bar in a relationship. I’m still regularly astonished at how many stupid, selfish, grim men manage to convince women to have babies with them.

i learned that women can be each others staunchest allies and their harshest critics. The support that women get on here is incredible, but equally they get torn apart.