Dad has "told fibs" to be allowed home from hospital

[Doubleknow]

He's been in for 10 days after a hip replacement. He's doing OK, but the recovery isn't happening as quickly as he expected. (He's 85).

I've visited most days, but never spoken to a doctor or OT, both he and Mum have full capacity, so all the important conversations have been with them.

He's desperate to come home, but still very frail and not very mobile.

They live in a big house with no downstairs bathroom or bedroom. (I know, but as I said full capacity).

He has "fibbed", his words, to be allowed to come home. He's told them he has a bed downstairs (he means the sofa) and downstairs bathroom (there is a small downstairs loo) and, I strongly suspect, that he has a wonderful daughter nearby who will be at his beck and call!

Mum is elderly and disabled herself, but very stoic and will get on with doing what needs doing, which would include caring for him and the house with only one working leg. They are both determined not to have outside help. Neither has had a bath or shower in months, although they are very particular about being clean, and they don't seem unwashed, so must be doing a decent job.

I will do bits, but I can't offer "care" and in any case they're not expecting that, they just want the hospital to believe it so that he's "allowed" to come home.

I think I just have to leave it and let them struggle, as is their choice, but it seems all wrong.

Are there other options?

I don't do much. They don't expect (or want) me to help. They just want the hospital to think I do.

Just because they might be furious, doesn't mean that it was wrong to have the conversation.
If he's lying about his ability to go home, it's going to be very difficult for them if he does that anyway.
It's also going to be more difficult for you.

Phone the ward, ask to speak to the OT, tell them the truth of the matter. Go from there.

He has mental capacity and can do as he wishes, even though these decisions are unwise.

The important thing is that you set some limits on what you do as, if you are filling the gaps, then they will have no motivation to recognise that things are not working out and take some sensible decisions.

You might want to get this moved to the Elderly Parents board. Lots of experienced peeps.

Getting out of hospital as soon as possible is absolutely the best thing for recovery as soon as the hospital don't need him there for regular observation. After an operation my recovery during the 6 days I was kept in hospital was really slow, I felt so awful I thought I was never going to get better and was in a lot of pain that needed hospital-grade painkillers to deal with so I was afraid that going home would mean I lost access to an effective pain management plan, but just being home made a huge difference because the stress that your body carries when in hospital actively hinders recovery. I needed a lot less painkillers as soon as I was home because (I realised afterwards) part of the pain was exacerbated by that stress.

The minor holes needed for installation of a stairlift are easily patched over. My PIL needed one for my FILs last few years of life and it was extremely easy to have it removed and the holes repaired and MIL sold the place with no trouble at all.

Honestly, I would ask to speak to the nurse in charge and let them know the reality of the situation.

Sorry but you need to be having completely frank coversations with them, they need a walk in/sit in shower put in downstairs. They could live another 10+ years, without having a shower is just mean to themselves for no good reason.
Tell them the next buyer could pay to get that taken out.
It might be 5-10k to get done but I would say that it's worth it for an element of independence and the chance to have a shower/bath.
I would also consider putting a bed downstairs.
They sound stoic but it's better to do this now (when they have mobility) than wait until they absolutely have no other choice. I am speaking from experience with family; within a year of diagnosis of a motor neurone disease a family member was wheelchair bound and passed away. We had to rush to install beds, a stair lift, hoists etc. downstairs but luckily a bathroom had already been sorted which was a huge help in the last 6-9 months.
I obviously hope they remain mobile and in good health, but it is one last thing to think about if anything happens in the future.

A stair lift would sort out both of their issues as it seems like your mum can’t manage the stairs as well. Both sleeping upstairs in a bed, access to bathroom No need to move things around anywhere

I agree. The burden of care is going to be on your mum who by your own admission is not in good health. Or on you, who is not willing to be there 24/7 (and I can’t blame you).

It will only take one small slip or trip and either he is back in hospital in a much worse state, immobile and vulnerable to chest infections, or your mum will be injured trying to help him get up or exhausted trying to care for him.

They need a care package and an OT assessment so he can make a decent recovery at home and she isn’t put at risk of injury. We are moving into autumn/ winter, colder, slippery underfoot outdoors, risk of flu or other respiratory illness especially if they are less mobile. If they don’t get something sorted with support there is a distinct possibility that one or more of them will need to be in a care home before long.

If they're anything like my parents it's best to mention it once and leave it. Mine have always come up with a 'solution' (that was my original idea) but I never have a 'told you so' response. Eg they were struggling to carry the hoover upstairs so I suggested getting a second one and keeping it up there. A few months ago Mam had the idea herself and so we went to get one.

Mine don't like supermarket delivery as they can't choose their own produce or check sell by dates. I suggested every few months they could bulk buy the boring but heavy stuff like washing powder, washing up liquid, bottles of bleach etc and they can still do the food shop themselves.

What about suggesting a food delivery from a favourite restaurant? Present the idea as a treat. Favourite food in the convenience of their own home.

If they have some money to spend, check out accessable bathrooms that don't look like accessable bathrooms. You'd be surprised at how stylish they can look. Hand rails could easily be removed by new owners and you'd never know.

You're blocking every suggestion OP. Are these your views or theirs?

I'm not blocking anything. I know they're all very sensible suggestions that I have made many times. These are their reasons for not having any of it.

My FIL was in hospital and a rehabilitation centre for probably 6 weeks after breaking his hip (he fell rather than it was a planned op)

I can sympathise as I had reservations about the safety of my uncle when he lived alone but as he was of sound mind, and adult social services were not involved, then it was virtually impossibleto intervene (he had stairs without full bannisters, with loads of clutter piled on the stairs, and no downstairs toilet or bathroom. His mobility was quite poor, and he told me that it took 20 min to get up the stairs - i was paranoid about him falling down the stairs but he never did)

Can they turn a downstairs room into a bedroom and squeeze a shower in anywhere? If not, you need a stair lift.

Yes, let them be furious.

And if you feel up to it, meet fury with tears and hysterics as you having to watch them suffer. Will be interesting to see how careless he is if nothing else.

I think this is OP waiting what the parents have said (or would say in protest).
It's so hard to help someone who won't help themselves.

Go into the hospital and tell the discharge team the truth of the home situation and how much you can/can't help. They won't tell him that you have been in but it may make them realise that it isn't safe. Do it today. @Doubleknow

PS
We are in a similar situation. Ancient listed property. Some of it is 13th century. Steep wood panelled staircase that is unsuitable for a stair lift. Every room on a different level. My father had a fall 2 years ago, broke 8 bones and needed CPR, then spent almost 3 months in hospital. We (their children) want them to sell and move to a more suitable property, but the house is part of their identity and they have said they will only leave in coffins. It will kill them one day. My biggest fear is my father (a very bent 6ft3) falling back down the stairs on top of my mother (5ft3) because she insists on standing behind him as he climbs the stairs. One day that house will kill them, but they won’t listen.

Yes I’m another one who has exactly the same with parents and in-laws. Saying they can cope, won’t spend money on carers/adaptations despite having plenty.
Do not waste any time trying to persuade them it won’t work and you will get stressed and worn out. Instead decide what you are prepared to do, present that to them and stick to it. They will not learn if you keep saving them. In my experience they have to have a crisis for anything to change.
I know that sounds harsh but why is their wellbeing worth more than your?

OP I feel for you. Very similar situation when.mum had her knee replaced last year. She and my father were very clear that they had arrangements in place for when she left hospital. But frankly they hadn't and it was a complete shit show. They too refuse to adapt their home and also refuse any outside (not family) help. Ok for family to rush round helping them. I honestly don't think there is anything you can do except leave them to it. Help up to your own capacity but no more. That sounds harsh but if you have tried to persuade them to get help and they won't make sure you look after yourself.

Walk in showers aren't for old people. 😂 They're standard! It would probably be attractive to buyers.

My sympathies OP. Mum was like this & it was a bit of a nightmare!

Get rid of a lot of stuff, then. Do they not want their home to be fit for purpose? Homes should be adapted throughout life to suit the inhabitants' current situations. Why are they prioritising a faceless future buyer over the two of them who live there now?! Some people really aren't willing to help themselves.

They want everything to go back to normal as quickly as possible, with absolutely no hiccups.
And pretty much act like the surgery never existed.

The real situation, however, is banging on the front door and won’t go away.