Dad has "told fibs" to be allowed home from hospital

[Doubleknow]

He's been in for 10 days after a hip replacement. He's doing OK, but the recovery isn't happening as quickly as he expected. (He's 85).

I've visited most days, but never spoken to a doctor or OT, both he and Mum have full capacity, so all the important conversations have been with them.

He's desperate to come home, but still very frail and not very mobile.

They live in a big house with no downstairs bathroom or bedroom. (I know, but as I said full capacity).

He has "fibbed", his words, to be allowed to come home. He's told them he has a bed downstairs (he means the sofa) and downstairs bathroom (there is a small downstairs loo) and, I strongly suspect, that he has a wonderful daughter nearby who will be at his beck and call!

Mum is elderly and disabled herself, but very stoic and will get on with doing what needs doing, which would include caring for him and the house with only one working leg. They are both determined not to have outside help. Neither has had a bath or shower in months, although they are very particular about being clean, and they don't seem unwashed, so must be doing a decent job.

I will do bits, but I can't offer "care" and in any case they're not expecting that, they just want the hospital to believe it so that he's "allowed" to come home.

I think I just have to leave it and let them struggle, as is their choice, but it seems all wrong.

Are there other options?

Oh dear! I'd follow @LadyGardenersQuestionTime advice and let the team discharging him know what's what and then step back, asking your parents what they think solutions should be. You have obviously pointed out to them what the consequences might be of not having proper support in place. It's up to them to either dismiss that or consider it and then live with the results.

You can get all sorts of adaptions like rising inflatable type things for the bath or steps and a chair so infirm people can get in and out of a bath easily and either bathe or shower on the chair, my mum had one. Stair lifts these days are also not the big bulky things that they used to be. Sleeping on the sofa will probably be ok for a while or a reclining chair could work, main thing is that he does his physio regularly so he gets more mobile as it heals. Maybe a visit from someone that can show them details of whats available would help not sure who, maybe physio, charity, age uk or mobility organisation in your area could help.

Symathies op. Been there, played this game, several times over.

Try to hang onto the fact that it's because this generation are so fabulously stubborn, that they have lived so long and achieved so much. They don't go down gently, and they hang onto their standards and expectations as long as they can. My mum was insisting on perfect lipstick at all times when all else was failing!

@Doubleknow Just to say also that the only thing that persuaded my dad to have a pantry downstairs converted to a shower room was the fact that you get a 17% discount on your council tax if you do this for a disability

You could suggest they get a wetroom with a build in bench. It would help resale and help them without looking "too disabled/old people-y". A lot of people are looking for downstairs living space too.

DM did a similar thing. She is 82, lives alone.

Discharge team said her neighbours help her. No they don’t.

I knew if I let it slide she’d be onto my sister who lives closer than me with demands for care so I told the hospital DM had lied and no one was coming to take her home until an OT assessment had been done.

Lo and behold she now has a care package and I claimed attendance allowance to pay for it.

I'm sorry your experience wasn't positive. It must vary hugely on the trust/hospital you end up in.

In my ortho trauma ward the physios were on you like a rash every day as they want their bed back. They need you to be able to walk to and from toilet and do at least a few stairs then they can get you out.

It often meant most felt rushed and not ready to leave so it had a different affect of making people feel pressure.

They dosed them with morphine and came round harassing everyone out of the bed at least daily. This is a very highly rated hospital. But they do not want you there a second longer than you need to be.

Dad has apparently said to mum that they will look at getting those rising armchairs for both of them. She's saying they'll need to get rid of a sofa to fit them in (they will, at least one) he doesn't think so. So they'll bicker over discuss that for months first, and then if the decision is to go ahead will spend months more researching options and prices.

Ooh...this is something that could persuade him. Does that follow for other adaptations?

Have you told them wet rooms are the in thing currently and generally add value to a house, they don't need an 'oap' style wetroom

We had a stair lift fitted for my late mum. Once it was taken out you would never know it had been there. No wall damage as it was screwed into the actual stairs but once removed you can't actually see any of the screw holes on the very plain light coloured carpet. Worth a shot.

You also don't have to pay VAT if you adapt your bathroom for a disability.

https://www.gov.uk/guidance/vat-relief-on-certain-building-work-if-you-have-a-disability

Speak to the nurse in charge. The should arrange for OT to come and assess what they have at home. It maybe well be they need some changes at home like bedroom downstairs or equipment like a commode etc. Also, they should get 6 weeks free care on discharge. Maybe it's worth pushing that so they can see what help can be done. Even if it's meals and meds!

Hip recovery is a long job it unrealistic to think he should be in hospital
he’s not had a shower in months so the fact there’s no shower isn’t really an issue
there a toilet downstairs

A bed downstairs would be temporary there’s no need to get rid of of furniture just move it
get him a urine bottle
he’ll deteriorate in hospital he needs to be home

it major surgery so surely you don’t begrudge giving them a bit of help

my dad did better at home after his as he just vegetated in bed at hospital

OT should do a home visit in discharge they can get some hand rails and raised toilet seat

Is his sofa on risers, if not the moment he sits himself round in the morning he is likely to dislocate his new hip and end up straight back in hospital.

No. Afaik no one's mentioned that. They have given him raised toilet seats, which I've taken home for them.

@Doubleknow
Disabled Band Reduction
This scheme lowers your council tax bill to the next lowest band if a disabled person lives in the property and the home has specific adaptations. You must show that a disabled person (substantially and permanently disabled) needs:

• An extra room used for treatment, care, or essential equipment.
• A second bathroom or kitchen used to meet their needs.
• Extra space to use a wheelchair indoors.

If approved, a Band D property becomes charged at Band C rates. If the property is already in Band A, the bill is reduced by 17% (or one-sixth of the Band D charge). This reduction is not means-tested and applies regardless of income.

Move it where DS offered to help me move it to the garage, but it's far too good a piece of furniture to be subjected to that.

Yes, I just looked that up. It needs to be an extra room, in addition to a "normal" bathroom. This would mean adapting the existing bathroom.

Is there a bedroom upstairs you can store it ?
do the legs come off do you can prop it up against the wall
it’s hopefully only short term

@Doubleknow regarding the raised toilet seat you will need to fit that for them as he or your mum will not be able to do it. Take the existing seat off. then assemble raised seat and then you clamp it on. If the ones they have given you do not have handles I suggest you buy one yourself as if not he still will not be able to get up by himself unless there is a handle on the wall.

And you do not want the conversation about drilling into the wall!

Anything he sits on needs to provide him with the correct hip angle (hips should not bend past 90 degrees).
You could do with getting him a home assessment by OT/physios ASAP. The risk of hip dislocation is very real, and if it happens once it can then go on to become a long term recurring problem.

Then you’ll have to make yourself unavailable so they realise that they need support.

For my dad there was a pantry off the downstairs porch. We changed the door to sliding and could fit a shower in it just. That was acceptable.
If your downstairs toilet could fit a shower they would also count that as ok

No real suggestions, but sympathy. This sounds very much like my FIL - he's been in and out of hospital now for years as he regularly falls, broke his hip on one of the last ones and had to have a replacement, is currently in at the moment following another fall. Every time he will do/say anything for them to get him home. DH has tried speaking to adult social services and they basically say there's nothing they can do if FIL refuses help and is of sound enough mind to decide for himself.

He's currently in huge amounts of pain, but tells everyone 'not to say anything to the doctors' because he's hoping they'll let him out soon, but won't if they know he's still in pain..... (He's the same about spending money on making his home safer/easier to live in or on paying for care or cleaners - doesn't like 'strangers' in the house. He also won't have a bed put in downstairs or any other adapations made because 'then it won't feel like home'. He has conceded to a stairlift after he fell backwards down the stairs....)

No idea what to do about it - other than have a level of acceptance that he's an adult and can make his own decisions, even if we know they're likely to be wrong. (And know that we'll be the ones sitting in A&E all night the next time he falls)