Losing the plot with child losing everything!

[CalmGreenWasp]

I’m not really sure why I am even posting this, but can I ask for advice on dealing with children who constantly lose things. For context, this year (Jan to now)

1. Three expensive coats
2. Three School jumpers
3. Three ties
4. Two entire PE kits
5. Countless pencil cases/homeworks
6. One pair of trainers (from her actual feet that day!)
7. Three tablets (lost and broken)

any advice or funny stories welcome. I am losing the will!

Totally agree, I was very academic and probably have adhd. Without my secretaries to deal with administration and manage my diary, I would be a disaster!

Before retirement I headed an Autism diagnostic team. Whoever said your daughter was performing too well academically is talking absolute nonsense. Children with ADHD tend to be above average with regard to academia. It’s often the reason they fall apart outside a structured learning environment. I woul strongly suggest that you seek a second opinion.

I didn’t accept the first. I challenged her that it was hyperfocus that had her performing well at school. Would I medicate her though? Probably not

Medication is not a route I would choose; however a dx would make life easier at school by ensuring her needs are met and that she is able to realise full potential.
You may find as she gets older she may struggle with time management and exam difficulties. If you can get a dx in the near future it means everything can be in place for her to take GCSEs in her own space or with extra time should she need these adjustments.

That’s nonsense. My son has ADHD and js doing incredibly well at school.

I have air tags on anything expensive. Sometimes he just walks out of school without his coat or bag! I keep repeating the routine of when you are going to another place ,check you have your stuff. I wouldn’t be punitive because it just doesn’t help when your basic executive functions are poor.

I tell myself his mind is on greater things! Stops me losing the plot.

Why do you buy 3 expensive coats?
Why do you replace Ipads?

Replace PE and jumpers with second hand or non branded Items. Buy new cheap trainers not fancy ones.

A lot of the school stuff will be in the box of lost stuff. Go have a look. The children won't.

You need to scale back. If your child can't be bothered to take care of their things then they get a suitable replacement - not a new, expensive item to throw away or ruin.

Hand the ipad out for doing math and retrieve it.
Expect her to sit at the kitchen table working.No faffing or playing around with it.

They weren't the trainers retrieved from the field? Sorry I don't get it.

I used to teach a girl like this. She had additional needs. Her mom got annoyed about the continual cost. One of the things I did was put a hook at the back of my classroom where she left her coat on arrival. It did mean that sometimes she was cold if she had to go to another building, but it did cut down on the amount of boats lost. Don't buy anything expensive.

I’m sorry if this is an unfair inference, OP, but your comment that things just seem to disappear into the ether sounds really passive. You need to be very proactive in your communication with the school. The first step is to get permission to come on site at the end of the day and to join your daughter in going through the lost property store. As long as they are named and have not been stolen at least some of her belongings will be there. The next step is to enlist pastoral support to help your child to organise herself. If there are lockers available in the school, get her one. If not, ask if her form tutor will allow her to leave her PE kit in her form room on PE days rather than carrying it around the site with her, for example. I can see others have mentioned the possibility of bullying or other deliberate targeting. You need to consider these possibilities seriously.

I have a forgetful child. They may or may not have ADHD and at this point I haven’t pursued diagnosis because like you I would be unlikely to medicate at the moment and the strategies I have taught them would be the same with or without it (habit-stacking is working well). They lost their brand new PE kit on literally the first day on the new academic year in September. They did every right over several days trying to find it, retracing steps, checking lost property, etc, and it didn’t turn up. The combined value of the mandatory branded PE kit, plus the cheapest possible 3G compliant football boots and a pair of inexpensive trainers was in the region of £130 and I absolutely refuse to write off that kind of expense. I’m sure the form tutor thinks I am That Parent but she circulated a whole-staff email with a picture of the bag for us and, sure enough, it has turned up.

Finally, and unfortunately, there are schools with big theft issues. I used to work in one where anything nailed down was stolen, regardless of whether it was valuable- I had a sentimental but not expensive fountain pen stolen and an SD card swiped directly from my laptop. It’s possible that this is the case in your DD’s school.

Agree with you sounding passive. You can absolutely acknowledge she possible has adhd and so finds this harder while also not just replacing everything to same value like groundhog day

Otherwise where is it's natural conclusion...can't rememebr where car is in car park so just pick up a new mini?!

Definitely consider theft of her stuff if she's leaving it here there and everywhere is someone just taking it from the floor and keeping it.

I had this with my eldest. I make her replace them with her own pocket money and the replacements are second hand/Vinted ones

a child that age should understand about ownership and responsibility- the fact you haven’t followed through just shows her that she can keep getting away with it

Airtags/Tile have saved my sanity.

Get her back in front of a competent paediatrician and initiate ADHD diagnosis. I know you’re saying you wouldn’t medicate but you may well be pulling your hair out with this by the time she’s hitting GCSE.

I have tiles secretly sewn into bag linings, under the insoles of trainers, laptop covers, attached to keyrings and for my worst teen, stuck on his mobile phone which he keeps forgetting to charge. If I could get them all chipped like the dog is, I would.

If school jumpers and PE kit aren't turning up in lost property then someone is taking them. I agree with air tags hidden in expensive items. Make it difficult for anyone to take ownership of her clothing by writing her name on the fabric somewhere, where it can't be cut out. For things like coats and trainers, I would definitely replace with cheaper items if they get lost. If she doesn't have consequences then she'll never learn to take better care.

I'm confused how the tablets are getting lost. If it's being used for homework then it stays in the home. Don't allow it to be taken out of the house. Homework should be submitted via a portal or, at worst, printed and taken in if she can't keep a tablet safe.

How is she losing ipads at home?

If you've not tried not replacing stuff, you can't be sure she won't look after the next item properly.

I don’t get it either..the field was huge and over grown. Asked why she had taken her shoes off, she had no answer, asked where approximately in the field they had come off, again no idea at all. Just another life mystery. She was with two other girls, both of whom had shoes on. She was laughing and joking when she got into car, so I don’t think bullying could be a factor

I used to go through the school's lost property as DS2 was like this (ADHD). We lost several brand new school sweatshirts and PE kits that were fully labelled, but I also helped myself to a few brand new things in the lost property box that were unlabelled and unclaimed, to make up for it.

Can you ensure tablets against loss? Put trackers on them? get her to cover hers with identifying stickers which are hard to remove so no one else can help themselves. Label her trainers on the sole inside and out, and on the laces.

But if she has ADHD no amount of punishment or consequences will help her learn from her mistakes as it is a neural processing problem she can't override without medication. Like expecting a child with no fingers to play the piano because you shout at them.

Don’t get HER to check lost property - she almost certainly won’t, YOU do it.

You could have looked for them. Very easy just to leave the trainers without even looking for them.

I had replaced them with a very cheap pair.

You need to look into ND.

Surely this is wrong if you didn’t buy the stuff in the first place? I am going to air tag her stuff. I will be so disappointed if I find it going to a classmates house..I would never take anything out of lost and found that I definitely didn’t buy. Two iPads were broken beyond repair, the last one is lost. I’ve given her to Friday to search the house and if it isn’t found, she will have to blow the cobwebs off her rooster card and buy it herself..the one thing she never loses is her purse, oddly enough

If she was wearing cheaper stuff some of it would be less likely to go missing

schools round up lost property unless someone else has acquired it

like the time my DD blazer was replaced on her peg with one without her name and in a lot worse conviction …hum

How were the iPads broken? They can’t leave the house. You need a robust case and a rule that they are only used at the table. If her school has a compulsory bring your own device policy then you need insurance.

Interesting that some children don't lose things that matter to them - like their purse and mobile phone. Hmmm. But lets go straight to needing a diagnosis for their behaviour!