Losing the plot with child losing everything!

[CalmGreenWasp]

I’m not really sure why I am even posting this, but can I ask for advice on dealing with children who constantly lose things. For context, this year (Jan to now)

1. Three expensive coats
2. Three School jumpers
3. Three ties
4. Two entire PE kits
5. Countless pencil cases/homeworks
6. One pair of trainers (from her actual feet that day!)
7. Three tablets (lost and broken)

any advice or funny stories welcome. I am losing the will!

Some of it will be in school lost property. It is always burgeoning. Most kids refuse to look in it.

Is this one child? This is really extreme, OP. How old?

You wanted advice so as The Queen of Accountability my advice to you is to be accountable for the part you played in giving a child 3 tablets in one year.

Also, make them pay for some of their stuff, they might not be so quick to lose it then.

Or, she's being bullied and deliberately targeted.

How old is the child? What strategies are you teaching? What sanctions are in place?

I am predisposed to losing things (executive function is not great!), but I’ve learnt strategies that have been drilled in to me.

For example… I never take sunglasses off my head out of the house, I always carry 1 bag and not anything additional. I have a plastic bag for my umbrella and I don’t leave it in the ‘wet brollies’ holder.

she also needs to know there are consequences. Lose an expensive jacket? It will be replaced with the cheapest we can find. Don’t like it… well don’t lose it in the first place.

Oh I get her to check lost property, but no, we would have more joy in finding the Ark of the Covenant than any of the above!

I was that child and all I remember was the yelling, so when I had that daughter I did things as differently as I could.

1. Note on door you leave the house by: Have you got.
2. When they put something down say out loud ‘my lunchbox is on the desk; my pe kit is in my locker.
3. reassure if they miss an action they won’t get into trouble.
4. Maybe get school to help, put a daily checklist in a pocket and perhaps teacher can remind her to look.
5. We did a treasure hunt at school each half term, everyone who found an item belonging to another child got a wee prize.

Finally, this is a very common ADHD trait.

Make sure that you're doing everything you can to prevent it. Label everything, in big bold letters, not tiny on the label. Put the tablet in an indestructible case or allow it to be used only at the table/on the sofa. Check everyday that she has what she went in with, you're more likely to get it back if you look for it straight away.

Make her feel the loss. Unless she needs a tablet to live I wouldn't have replaced after the first loss/broken one. Let her wear PE kit from the lost property basket or get a detention for not bringing it. Buy her replacements as birthday/Christmas presents. Make her buy replacements from her pocket money/do chores to earn the money to pay for it. You need to feel the consequences of your actions to learn from them.

She’s 11, I’m seriously considering glueing the clothes to her. I tell her she will haves to replace them with her own money, then don’t have the heart to follow through with the more expensive stuff.? I worry about sending her into school in cheap shoes/trainers in case she would be bullied 🙈 I could send her out with an extra bag but she would probably lose it too! 😂

Oh I feel your pain. This was my son until about 16 - he's dyspraxic, so had to have a laptop for school and we also lost one of those, and countless uniform items.
Holding him accountable didn't really help much - he would put stuff down and genuinely not remember he had, and once he got to secondary there were so many extra opportunities for him to lose stuff.

So we started routines - when he got to school in the morning he had to go straight to locker, not stop off and play with friends. When he biked in this was easy as area he and his mates hung out was after his locker, on days when it was raining and I gave him lift in car I would have to say "Where are you going now" as he got out of the car and he would reply "locker outside room 4A"

The other thing that actually worked (though it may have just been him finally growing up) was taking the pressure off. For his birthday I had 3 credit cards sized cards made that said "Get out of Trouble" on one side and on the other "this card entitles the bearer to the replacement of one lost item without the mother getting cross or shouting".

Miraculously at the age of 22 he still has two of them left.

Is she in secondary school? This level of loss is a huge red flag for how the school is run. It suggests that they have a pretty colossal issue with theft. How have they responded when you have raised it with them? Were the tablets lost in school?

Stuff is labelled and I do check each night. It just seems to be when it’s gone, it has disappeared into the ether. Pe kit advice is good, I will see if they have something like that in her school. Replacing the tablet is unfortunately necessary to do maths homeworks or I wouldn’t have them in the house at all

Is she using mum eyes to look and mum hands to move, or man eyes which glance roughly in the vicinity of the lost property room? I bet if you looked you would find at least half.

What are the consequences for breaking or losing the expensive tablets? She's 11, it's time for proper consequences and for you to follow through, otherwise she will continue to behave in this way. She's not going to suddenly become responsible overnight unless you stand firm.

She’s not being bullied is she? Losing the footwear she had on is rather odd

buy cheap. Label everything

Awh, the get out of trouble card is so sweet. I maybe should offer one of those on birthday and Christmas..

Does she have adhd or similar? If no diagnosed does she have traits?

If she doesn't and you've tried strategies to help then there needs to be a sanction. If expensive coat goes missing her replacement is an Asda one.

Unless she's being bullied and targeted as theft.

YOU need to look in lost property if not already. If she can't be trusted to not lose shoes off her feet then she's not going to properly look. Especially when you'll buy new anyway.

You are doing her no favours here. Upu need to toughen up.

attach AirTags/amazon equivalents to items- glue on the back of things if needs be. Household of ADHD here and it’s the only thing that is helping overall.

You can waterproof ones like dogs have on their collars and I’ve sewed them into the hem of expensive PE tops- the tracksuit type ones that are £40 each! So far so good

This 100%

We are very organised getting out the door, it’s coming back in. She doesn’t mention being bullied but all her clothes are labelled and it is strange that they don’t show up anywhere. With the shoes though, she lost those in a field and managed quite happily to run to the car and get in, without even noticing she was barefoot 😂

This is such a good idea especially for the coats. Thank you 🙏

I’ve was told by a paediatrician that she is “performing too well academically” and that this would not be consistent with an adhd diagnosis ..

What a load of nonsense. Half the drs i know have adhd. I'm pretty sure they performed well at school.

I'd challenge this.

I love this terminology. I will tell her to go use female eyes and hands, and not just a male glance around the room..she will like that x

Sounds like ADHD to me. Does anyone else in the family have it? It's highly genetic.

That's nonsense. Plenty of high perfoming people have ADHD.

Bollocks.
Sorry but academic high performance does not preclude neuro divergence - in fact it often goes along with it. Both my kids got all 8/9 at GCSE and A/A* at Alevel and both neurodivergent.