Should I worry that my 13-year-old has no particular accomplishments?

[Insecurepanda]

My 13 yo dc is not accomplished. Is ok but not great at school. Does not play any musical instruments (gave them all up in primary), has no hobbies apart from playing video games and hanging out with his friends. Doesn’t have much drive.

he’s a really nice person. Gentle, funny, kind, thoughtful, a good friend. But I feel like I’ve let him down by not getting him to be accomplished in some ways.

Is it too late? Is there anything I can do? Or should I just appreciate that he seems happy and let him get on with it?

I agree with PPs about finding a sport that he can enjoy. He doesn't have to excel. He doesn't have to compete. But health is so important and exercise is key to that. Healthy, strong bodies as children really help us in adulthood.

I went abroad in my early twenties - not a lot of confidence- everyone could swim well(it was a hot country) , dive, play squash, tennis - I could do none of those . So I would say get him good enough at a sport, any sport, to join in - healthwise it’s good anyway

Came on just to say this. My DC do loads of sport, they float somewhere between middle of ability to bottom but they enjoy it. So important for their mental health, strength and long term health.

Or maybe air cadets ? Something like that, it looks a lot of fun. I only suggest it as it’s something I would have loved and I was very much like your son.

I would go against the grain of the thread a bit here and say you should encourage/push/cajole him to do more.

Kids dont need accomplishments but they do need interests and hobbies.

To learn to be bad/middling at something and still enjoy it. Builds resilience and grit. Shows you nothing is off limits.
To learn to be social outside the school and home environment. Makers you grow up and be your own person.
To learn to give back (loads of clubs are voluntary and seeing that modelled by other adults is great)
To be a rounded person who cares about more than work / school.

To be competent - having basic competence in something like singing or swimming means that when you start uni / move to a new town / need a new start as an adult, you can join a club and get going more easily.

My kids are not Grade 8 musicians and they moan about going to practice/DofE hike but I think I have seen them at their happiest when they have been doing their own things.

OP, my (now late-) father would have said this about me. I always felt like a massive disappointment, and that is bloody horrible to grow up with. (There were also things I'd have liked to do that he dissuaded me from, for example I now sing, and have singing lessons, and could have done that while I was in school, but no, not a good enough hobby 🙄).

He sounds like a lovely person, and that is wonderful - embrace that!

Sounds like he has lots of good qualities already- that's an accomplishment in itself. There's plenty of kids pressurised into doing activities/hobbies that they don't want to do.
If there's anything that he has a talent in then he'll find it eventually. If he's happy in himself then just let him be.

I’m not sure they do play the piano etc to each other when they meet up - I think they probably drink and eat too much and talk shit to each other like the rest of us

I'm worried about the fact that most of the people in charge of the entire planet have not many accomplishments. I'm also a bit concerned I have none but less so as I just need to feed the cat and that's about it. 🤣

Being gentle, funny, kind and a good friend is a great start
Is there anything that he would like to do/see/learn about

The kind of accomplishments a 13 year old could have are pretty meaningless in the grand scheme of things. Sounds like your son's doing well at being a decent lad. Perhaps he would benefit from a structured hobby, but you can't force these onto kids.

Are there any cadets groups near you? They're often very appealing to teenage boys.

I think "accomplishments" is the wrong word. It doesn't particlarly matter if your child is good at something or not.

I would be a bit concerned that he doesn't seem to have many interests outside of gaming. I mean, if he spends a lot of time hanging out with his friends doing things that aren't gaming, fine, but I would be concerned about a 13 year old who does nothing except go to school and come home and game.

DS (15) isn' tparicularly "accomplished" - no awards or medals or whatever. But he plays sports, is enjoying exploring London with friends now they're a bit older, is starting to be interested in food preparation, has a few tv shows he likes to watch etc. Over the holidays him and his friends spent a day at an amusement park, a couple of days out swimming in a local river or on a trip down to the beach, saw a few movies etc. I feel that's all good. He's becoming well rounded.

he’s a really nice person.

I mean, for most 13 year old boys that's quite the accomplishment! Source: Was once a 13 year old boy.

he's a really nice person. Gently, funny, kind, thoughtful, a good friend

Those are his accomplishments right there. What more could you want? Be proud of him for who he is.

‘I’m a rubbish person’
good god, please don’t judge yourself by how much other people do. You have no real insight into their lives or that of their children.
its often incredibly stressful to pursue multiple achievements and very middle class to feel you must.
your son sounds like a normal child his age.
if and when he finds a passion then you can support and encourage it.
until then support him with everything he does and loves including social time with his friends, school work, looking at options, take an interest in his gaming and above all else let him know regularly that he’s loved.
never mention your low self opinion and that you think he’s under achieving

I was never particularly good at anything growing up and actually i do think it’s terrible for self esteem. Aren’t most people good at something?

13 is a great age to start guitar or drumming if he’s interested. Also a good age to try out a hobby such as canoeing.

It sounds as if he has loads. I would definitely value someone being a really nice person, gentle, funny, kind and a good friend above being able to play an instrument or do a sport or speak a language. And I would think their parents had done a really good job and were likely very lovely people themselves.

I gave up everything in secondary, I did all the sports and instruments in primary, but secondary was brutal and I didn’t have the headspace for extra curricular activities.
i did have a lot of fun, found a music scene in my mid teens that I was heavily into, and then went out to things to do with that for a few years. Then travelled, uni, job, and found different sports and activities I liked as an adult.
my life is fine, you can pick new things up at any age. Some kids are naturally motivated by grades and rewards so will burn through say, music grades, some have a natural ability for something like a sport, some people find their groove as an adult.

No. Most people are average. It also depends on how you define “good at something “. Being able to do it and enjoying is enough. Picked for the team, getting medals, accolades etc. is a step further.

I do agree with this. Thinking of my friends, none has any particular accomplishment. They’re lovely, funny and kind people who are doing ok at their jobs. Some have interests and skills that they’ve developed over time, but nothing they’d have been good at when they were at school.

Are the women supposed to be like Regency ladies, who could sing, draw, paint and dance? Some of the men I know play sports but just locally.

Most of us are pretty average.

I've got a good friend to did all the clubs as a child. Her DPs' idea but she says it was important. She still enjoys playing the violin, but hearing her talk of what she did sounds exhausting.

Our 12yo isn't at all accomplished. We've made him try various sports but nothing has stuck. He doesn't want to join anything apart from straight after school clubs. He's a nester and he's happy.

That being said, he wants to design rockets so I'm sure he will be persuaded to start relevant activities in a few years.

That rules me out then. I'm not in that club.

"Nice person. Gentle, funny, kind, thoughtful, a good friend"

Those sound like accomplishments to me.......................

I think having interests and doing activities you enjoy is important, but you don’t need to be accomplished. I would I encourage exercise, if he doesn’t like team sports, will he go swimming with his mates? Neither of my two were particularly good at anything but enjoyed football, tennis and golf (DS2) and performing arts, drumming and guitar (DS1).

13 is a tricky age though as they often grow out of childhood hobbies and are still working out who they are. My nephew is nearly 13 and very similar to your DS.