Should I worry that my 13-year-old has no particular accomplishments?

[Insecurepanda]

My 13 yo dc is not accomplished. Is ok but not great at school. Does not play any musical instruments (gave them all up in primary), has no hobbies apart from playing video games and hanging out with his friends. Doesn’t have much drive.

he’s a really nice person. Gentle, funny, kind, thoughtful, a good friend. But I feel like I’ve let him down by not getting him to be accomplished in some ways.

Is it too late? Is there anything I can do? Or should I just appreciate that he seems happy and let him get on with it?

To me it sounds like you’re projecting your own feelings of low self-worth onto your son. Be careful, because your feelings might affect his own self-esteem.

Striving to be special is not a good thing. The world needs ordinary, pleasant, friendly people far more than specialness. Good on him.

No, you shouldn't worry. 'Doing lots of clubs/activities' doesn't equate to accomplisments. For that he would have to really want to do it. At 13 it's fine he hasn't found anything he's that passionate about. He sounds great though. I would just ask if he wants to do clubs etc as and when they come up and school.

My dd attends a sports club and trains 4 times a week. Sounds a lot huh? But her 2 closest friends do the same club plus 3 others each and volunteering- they never get time to just chill. Kids can do too much.

Have you modelled trying different things?
Does he want to do these things?
One of mind loves anything in a group, the other thinks it is hellish. If he doesn't like team sports, running and climbing are popular. But don't take him because you think he's defective. Just try some fun things and see if he wants to delve into any. As someone else said, D of E is a good low stakes way to try new things, as you commit for a few months so don't feel the pressure to continue for years. But only if he wants to, not because you want him to.

Absolutely! These qualities are very valuable!

Love this reference!

God forbid he's just a happy, healthy and regular child.

One of the biggest harms we have done children is this concept or belief that they are 'special', they're not, they're the same as everyone else, no one is looking at them, thinking about them, reacting to them. They dont have to be exceptional, different, theres no value in that.

Children's anxieties would reduce hugely if they understand they're no different to their neighbour and thats ok.

Sounds quite accomplished to me. Particularly at 13!

When I was 13, I was in scouts, trampolining club, football, netball. I was constantly on the go, and when I wasn’t doing clubs I was out with my friends, barely at home. Yes I learnt a lot. But what I’d have done to have a bit more of a chilled childhood. Because now my social battery is fried and I’m a bit of a hermit crab. Dd 14, doesn’t do clubs, I asked her about guides etc, she has no interest, she loves watching football just not playing, we go often to watch Chelsea ladies. She also has no desire for outside hobbies. She above in most of her classes at school, she goes out with her friends, sleepovers, shopping, bowling, cinema etc. she’s loving her life and I’m not gonna force her to do anything she doesn’t need to.

OP, honestly, your DS sounds great. Those traits are a real bonus these days. Being kind and a good friend are priceless and he will go far in life. He’s only 13! So young and with his entire life ahead of him, he can be anybody he wants to be.

DD is much older, but she’s about to start her Masters in Education studies
( after gaining a 2:1 from a decent university) She doesn’t speak any languages ( yet), can’t play a musical instrument ( yet ) but shes independent, financially savvy, can cook, works during holidays ( in a front of house busy restaurant) and can get herself round the country using public transport. To me, she’s achieved loads.

DS the same. Worked from age of 12 doing paper rounds, pot washing at 16 and is now cheffing in a busy kitchen aged 18. This allowed him to save and buy his own car and book holidays this year, completely independently with friends. All great achievements, but no piano playing or speaking multiple languages.

Give him time OP..

give him a chance! he's 13!!

He sounds lovely, staying in school and having friends is an accomplishment in my book, you are lucky.

I do get what you mean though, I used to read school stories as a kid and all the girls used to have their “talent”. I sort of assumed I’d find mine and never did, I’m still not very good at anything and it does make me sad sometimes.

My Felicity took up ornamental chainsaw at 11 and has just completed her very first space violin. Something to do with the gravitational forces being different necessitated her designing and carving this in order that she can lead the moon choir next year.

He sounds like a lovely person. He doesn't need accomplishments at 13, is he the social sort? If so hanging out with his friends is a perfectly good way to spend time so no need to invent new hobbies. Like everyone he'll be a happier adult if he can find his vocation in life, but for some of us that becomes apparent later on and unless your vocation is concern pianist or Olympic gymnast then you don't need to be accomplished at it by13.

I could’ve written the exact same post when my were young teens - not a medal, rosette or a shiny silver cup to display between any of them 🤪😂 and boy did I stress about that and try to coerce them into any interest that may give ME street cred looking back .. as I was believing I’d failed them, when in fact it was my low self regard that was craving a ‘leg up’ through their achievements ..
Comparison is the thief of your own special joy and chipping away at them to join underwater archery or DofE platinum plus lol actually gives them self doubt that they’re not actually good enough as they are, so they actually told me..
Fast forward to the adults they are now and they’ve found their own levels and are just really great people and I don’t need a trophy cabinet to prove it .
Give yourself and this lovely, blessing of a fine young man a break ❤️xxx

Poor kid, sounds like he's getting the backlash for your insecurities and need to be seen a certain way by people who you don't even know or care about you.

Agree. A lot of the boys in DD's school are into banter, misogyny and idiocy of various kinds.

Yours sounds light years ahead.

Woah - this is not a good way to describe yourself!

Seriously, have you ever considered working on your own self-esteem?

sounds like he's doing great. personality counts for a lot.

Maybe get him a sport activity to get health? Some swimming lessons? Regular family swim sessions? Or regular library sessions? Sign him up for coding club? My ds1 does that and they make games.

I don’t know, DD seems to find a lot of stuff easy, friendship has always been a bit patchy though. Honestly if all you have to worry about what he’s going to write on his personal statement be grateful. He sounds like a lovely boy.

Having said that, doing something thats not video games is always a good thing. You could try encouraging him to find a hobby, martial arts? Boxing? Chess club? It doesn’t have to be academic just something that gets him out of the house and doing something, for his own wellbeing more than anything else.

I do think theres a lot on leading a life that feels worthy to you regardless of what it looks like to others. I can’t remember if it was on here but someone said their hobby was pottery, they were proper shit at it but they just liked doing it. I loved that attitude, do stuff for the joy of it.

this!

It's ok to be normal OP.

Honestly, the sooner all of us learn and accept that we are just an underwhelming meatbag like everyone else, and that that's ok, the better our mental health as a society will be. The concept of being "special" more often than not causes harm, especially to children.

Ps as PP have said if he's a good person, I'd consider that an accomplishment in itself.

He's 13. He's got a whole lifetime to achieve stuff. The best thing you can do is bolster his confidence and self-esteem.

Yep this is nothing to do with the child his fine the problem is mummy wants to brag to her mates 😂😂 I feel sorry for kids with parents like that he'll never be good enough for her