Should I worry that my 13-year-old has no particular accomplishments?

[Insecurepanda]

My 13 yo dc is not accomplished. Is ok but not great at school. Does not play any musical instruments (gave them all up in primary), has no hobbies apart from playing video games and hanging out with his friends. Doesn’t have much drive.

he’s a really nice person. Gentle, funny, kind, thoughtful, a good friend. But I feel like I’ve let him down by not getting him to be accomplished in some ways.

Is it too late? Is there anything I can do? Or should I just appreciate that he seems happy and let him get on with it?

He's only 13, he's got time to find things he enjoys and have more interests.

But, as others have said, being a kind & caring person is a great attribute and one of the most important in life - way more important than being a grade 8 pianist who is mean and selfish!

Your son sounds like he's doing fine, so there's no need to get really worried. However, I do think that having hobbies, in particular being able to play an instrument or being passably good at a sport, can be helpful to making friends if you ever move to a new area as an adult. So, without getting obsessive about it, I would encourage him to try out new activities if the opportunity presents itself.

Also OP I’d say that is a great accomplishment of yours, to have raised such a lovely boy

No need to be accomplished but I do think having interests outside of video games is a good idea.

DH speaks 3 other languages well, his whole family are multi lingual. We saw his sister recently, she apparently sometimes dreams in Spanish, he said he has sometimes dreamt in German. I’m sat there thinking, well fancy that I didn’t even know it was a thing. They also have sailing qualifications plus he has also done all his scuba diving certificates. I know a lot of slang and almost drowned when in a dinghy as a kid because I was buggering about with the oar trying to scoop up a huge fish and fell in. Those are my language and sea faring accomplishments.

I see your DS has friends, honestly op that is an accomplishment. You could be the cleverest and most accomplished human ever but you can still be an arse or friendless.

Kids model themselves on us. If we want our kids to have a challenging set of hobbies and interests, we need to model that. And some people have more time, money and energy to give to that. If you wan a child who sails, plays instruments to a high level, speaks a MFL. You’re probably going to have to be able to support those things either because you do then yourself, or can invest time, money and energy in facilitating them in being tutored and mentored to do that. And also, whilst doing that you might be missing out on time to learn other skills, like how to rest, how to feel their emotions, how to be a good friend etc, because nobody has more than 24 hours a day.

I had no accomplishments at that age, my parents didn't have the money or the energy. I got terrible A-levels too. Now have a doctorate. Him being happy is honestly the main thing. Some children find it's all too much pressure to be accomplished and end up dropping out of everything. He can always pick things up later in life if he wants to.

Having said that, a language is a very useful life skill. Could you learn something together?

Can he swim? Probably the only accomplishment which could save a life

So much more important than black belt karate/ grade four trombone/whatever 🥰
Some people (like me!) need a bit of a push to try things and make stuff happen but then enjoy it when they’re made to go, and it is true that a busy teenager is less likely to be getting into trouble so it may be worth seeing if he’d try out a new activity. But who he is is worth any amount of certificates on the walls!

all I ever wanted for my children was to be kind, work hard, think of others, have humour, be a good friend and to choose happiness

you have hit the jackpot

Niche video game knowledge may well get him a job one day. It only takes one conversation with the person on the panel who also got stuck on level 47 to walk into a c-suite role.

He will find his passion one day. Let him try things if he expresses an interest but don’t force it. Some parents big their children up, some force them to do certain instruments and sports to a point where they rebel and pack it in.

Honestly, OP, I have a long list of "achievements". They look good on paper but they're not that important in reality. It is relationships that make you happy, and not "accomplishments".

My daughter is "accomplished" too. She is lucky enough to be naturally very good at a lot of things, and if she does something, she tends to invest a lot of effort in it because that is just her personality. These things are all nice to have but they're absolutely not what makes her special. It is who she is that makes her special, and not what she does.

Life isn't a competition and it isn't about collecting an arm full of badges. It's about the people whose lives you touch and the difference that you make while you're here. Your ds sounds like he is doing just great. He will stand out in a crowd because of the person that he is and not because of a list of achievements.

I’m 54 and can’t say I have any accomplishments! He’s 13 let the poor boy be.

If you want your child to have "accomplishments" you as a parent need to be dedicated to supporting them. Success/accomplishment is hard work and I think often instigated and driven by parents who have to persuade reluctant children who then become interested in a particular hobby.

We particularly wanted our son to be challenged and overcome difficulty and learn teamwork/comradeship for the life lessons it teaches. He works incredibly hard and it's a joy to watch and rewarding to support him. It's his choice now.

At an early age and with enough dedication children can achieve anything - but this needs parents disciplined/consistent enough to enable that!

When they get to yr11 however and are applying to colleges a lot will ask what other skills they have to bolster applications. By 6th form they are looking for stuff to put on uni applications.
Those with jobs or extra curricular get more offers

Honestly I had no particular “attributes” at that age. Or even at 21. Turns out my superpower is being unbelievably good in the world of work, and being hyper adaptable so able to reinvent myself as industry changes due to tech advancements. Don’t sweat it.

Is your child happy? If he is, then well done, and don’t worry. He will find his “shine” someday, and it won’t be curated by anyone else.

This! Lol

but reading what some of the children are doing - as an adult even in far less accomplished than the average primary school kid on here. Lol

“he’s a really nice person. Gentle, funny, kind, thoughtful, a good friend.”

There you go, he is socially and emotionally accomplished with outstanding Emotional Intelligence skills. Job done.

My 12 year old turns 13 soonish - he is very accomplished for his age, but he also prefers video games, especially weird historical strategy ones which he researches (both the history and the game strategy).
By year 10, they will all be revising for their GCSEs and by Sixth Form even when they are applying to uni, UCAS don’t care one jot anymore about extracurricular accomplishments. Apparently it is all too elitist and expensive now. Means we can all relax now.

he’s a really nice person. Gentle, funny, kind, thoughtful, a good friend.

Those are his accomplishments - and very precious they are too ...

Comparison is the thief of joy.

I wonder how much pressure there is on young George to become “accomplished”, after his first day of the best education that money can buy. (Incidentally, it feels like no time at all since the MN logo had a crown on the baby, to celebrate his birth.) The same school gave us Boris Johnson, who probably feels unaccomplished that he only became Prime Minister (to many of us, the worst one in history), not World King, or God.

Nursery teachers are sometimes asked by pushy parents “will my child go to Oxford or Cambridge?”.

And I think I read somewhere that at Oxford and Cambridge, the student suicide rate is higher than the national average, perhaps due to pressure to become “accomplished”.

TBF it sounds like he can't even paint a table or net a purse

Lol, I was just going to say this!!!!

Get off this forum, its bad for you. Should come with a warning