Wild expectations of grandparents

[Morningtee]

Just reading an article from the I paper called ‘the do’s and don’ts of grand parenting as children go back to school’ I’m sure the article was written with well meaning intent but as a Gen X I’m just increasingly shocked at some of today’s young parents expectations of grandparent role. Even a paid childminder wouldn’t put up with some of the advice in the article. I had a great relationship with my grandparents but they didn’t play the role that seems to be expected of modern grandparents which seems more about serving the needs of entitled millennial/Gen Z parents than the grandchildren. Indeed a number are quite happy to destroy the entire relationship between grandchild and grandparent if their wild expectations are not met

My parents were fantastic with my children. They has them for weekends and for a few days during school holidays. They spent time with them doing fun things and gave them extra attention and love.
They didn't provide regular child care. They wouldn't have been up for that andi wouldn't have asked. I used paid childcare in various combinations. We worked opposite shifts etc.
I am hoping I will have grandchildren. I would do as much as possible but am years off retirement unless I win the lottery.
I think it all very much depends on the family. But also pressure on families would be less if childcare was not so scarce and expensive.

Good grief don't tell them that. People today think pensioners have had an easy life, what with their fantastic triple lock increases and million pound houses. They won't cope if you tell them how it really was for millions of people.

Tbh, you are right, no resentment this way, keep it professional.

I said when my older siblings were born (in the early 1970s) they had a washing machine by the time I was born, much to my mother’s relief!

I really really would love to hear the voice of my grandmothers’ generation on this. They became grandmothers in the 70s and while mine didn’t provide regular childcare there were many that did as I saw them at the school gates. I wonder what they thought and how much was demanded of them?

Totally, always going to get complicated when using GP/friends/relatives as main source of childcare, have the GP for emergencies and you’re super grateful to them for helping you out of a pickle and they probably actually enjoy the day they’re had with the kids and will pleasantly be surprised with a £50 voucher

This was always my view, and fortunately have never had such an emergency that family have needed to step in

As a single parent my dad is an absolute godsend! Had my boys in the holidays when I was at work, takes them to their dad cos I don’t drive and he lives 90 minutes drive away, helps with diy and if I’m short on money will transfer me £50 to get some shopping in etc! He’s an angel and 74 next month! Couldn’t do life without him! He loves me and I’m the only child of his with younger children and I always helped my siblings when I was teaching and off in the holidays so now he sees I could do with a bit of help he is always there! When I was little he always said “dad can fix everything” and he really can 💕

Why do you think it's unusual? There have always been some well off people and others with less. Many rented rather than buying.

Takes a village and all that. As a sp I could not have worked if it was not for my dps. I will be forever grateful to my, now deceased parents.
If my dc need help in the future, i'll be right there to help as well.
Thats what families do, well in my circle it does

Out of interest OP, how many times in the last year have your family helped uou out with childcare? Whether as an emergency, or voluntarily?

I think some do expect too much of their parents who want to enjoy their retirement, travelling, hobbies etc. They’ve been through the child raising bit already, often with not much help from their parents. Looking after small children is very tiring, especially if physically frail , and expensive, if expected to finance days out to amusement parks etc. There needs to be communication about what help can be provided and when. Most Grandparents are willing to help, especially in emergencies, but they don’t want to be taken for granted, and they don’t want it as a full time job!

First, most people don't inherit a home from parents because they have siblings.

Second, how old are people, normally, when they inherit money?

The same here. I didn't have a washing machine in 1977 and used to borrow my neighbours spindryer. 2nd hand cooker and fridge.

That’s interesting, maybe where you lived, was just definitely 95% mothers in the playground in the 1980s at my school, the majority of whom were SAHMs or housewives as they would have called themselves then, now at my younger DCs school it’s almost equally as likely to be a dad, childminder or grandparent

See, this is what families like ours do, so natural isn't it. I suspect you are a commoner like me though. No 'expectations"/ 'entitlement, just a loving family who help each other out

I have relatives who are currently housesitting and looking after their three grandchildren while their adult child and spouse are on holiday...

I think that part of the issue is that the current generation of parents seem to have higher expectations of what their lifestyle is going to be.

I do recall being looked after by my grandparents once when I was a child, but that was because my mother was in hospital and my dad was on shift work.

My grandparents would put me on the bus back to town in the morning and my dad would meet me between shifts to make sure that I got to school okay. (I've just realised that I can't recall how the return journey was made...It was about 60 years ago.)

I can't recall hearing of any working class couples going on holiday without their children at that time. There were some children from a middle class background at my school too. Perhaps some of their parents went away on holiday without them.

London 1980s
maybe neither of us have any sort of idea of what level of involvement grandparents had back then at a more general level? So hard to assess level of entitlement. I had childminders as well as my mum collecting me

Parents care for their children and their children’s needs, and so it will be for their children and the children they have, and so on. If you get help from grandparents, it should be looked on as a bonus, not an expectation. When I had mine, we planned ahead - could we afford them? What would our plans be for child care? But now, it’s the self entitlement of today’s parents where they seem to have the children first, then ask themselves these important questions. Then the predictable resentment against the grandparents that when they retire it should be a given that they take on the responsibility of childcare. And if they don’t, then low contact or withholding contact with the grandchildren. I’m a grandma, and young enough to still have lots of energy. I look after my toddler GD for one weekend every month and see her every week, and step in to babysit if they need me. But I take my hat off to those retirees who provide childcare for five days weekly, some of which are in my friendship circle. Work from when they’re 16, juggling raising children, retire at 66/67, then expected to jump straight into providing full time childcare for your dgc, because it’s an expectation.

I do think helicopter parenting has something to do with this. If parents fulfill every imaginable need of their children growing up and intervene for them constantly, these parents create an expectation in their young adult children that this will continue through adulthood. You only have to check in periodically on MN to see the effects of this.

One of my DCs is very local so does help out once a month or so but haven’t asked for more than a pick up/ half hour as looking after kids is stressful (not that mine are worse than anyone else’s) and don’t really want to put upon them. Asked DM to come and look after DC once in last year when sick and other DC also looked after DC the year before once due to the sickness

I don’t really relate to what you are saying at all. I come from a working class background where family lived in the same town. Everyone helped each other out. I’m an older millennial and my mum would regularly leave me with my grandparents whilst she went to work, particularly in the school holidays. She couldn’t afford childcare and it wasn’t so prevalent in those days anyway. There was always an aunt or cousins or various other family members generally around and an expectation that everyone helped each other out.

By the time my mum retired, she was much more affluent and had much higher expectations for what her retirement would be like. The last thing she wanted to do was take on responsibilities for grandchildren. She wanted to be off travelling and having fun.

I didn’t have an issue with that. I was in a fortunate position because I had a highly paid enough job that I could afford childcare.

As my children got older, my mum started to visit to see them, which meant that she witnessed my weekly routine firsthand. She was absolutely stunned watching me gallivant back-and-forth to different childcare settings, after school clubsand central London. My husband is a shift worker so on his working days, I am basically a solo parent. Her view was that it was much much easier in her day and she couldn’t believe how much I know had to pack into my week and how much I had to pay for help.

👏👏👏

My impression is that many of the posters on Mumsnet come from reasonably well-off middle-class backgrounds. I'm not saying that as a criticism: it's just that they have no idea of what life is like for working class people.

I recall reading an article in Good Housekeeping some years ago, about what life was like for people in the 1930s. There was talk of people being able to afford servants/housekeepers...

In those days, my family members were the housekeepers. (My mum and all her sisters were in service.)

Also off topic I got a 2nd hand twin tub and I still say it was the best washing machine I ever had. Wish I had one now.